morningcoffeeplease

How do I brought this in therapy? Admitting that I have been lurking around her things?

Would it be foolish for me to appreciate how she took accountability and be a better person? If I didn't snoop around, we are perfectly fine, as there's no major issue anymore after the break. Would it be foolish for me to want to work this out?

The dialogue you quoted is her monologue in voice memo, not talking to anyone. She's remorseful of what she did and took accountability, which made me hopeful and making it hard to leave as I still love her very much. What should I do?

I don't know why but I still hold hope for her. We are okay, pretty much okay if not for the fact that I snoop around. I hate myself for doing that. But I always seek and seek and couldn't seem to trust anymore. I'd like to think that all journals entries, voice memo, are her way of processing it on her own. And it's her right. Do I see this things clearly? It's hard to leave because we work on this, and wants to be together.

It's long, but I really need your advice on this. I (26F) have been with my partner (Jude, 31F) for two years. We came together with a clean slate, and we hit it off from the start. I live with her three months into the relationship. Everything was healthy and easy. Our communication is great. We support and love each other so much. In October last year, Jude’s employer held a big festival, one that she worked hard for. I helped as the host of the event. After the event, Jude bonded with one of her co-workers (Beth) from a different division. They clicked and she started talking to her more often. (I didn’t know about this during that period) I met Beth again among Jude’s other co-workers and we all went out for a drink, this was at the end of October. The next night, Jude went out for a drink with her co-worker again, including Beth, after work, and Jude ended up wasted in her car in the middle of the road. I need to get her and the car home at 2 in the morning. That night triggered a bad memory from my last relationship with an alcoholic. I know I am in the wrong here, but after that night, I had a strong urge to read her journal and there was an entry from two days ago, which read “I think I might have a feeling for B”. I confronted Jude for her selfishness in irresponsible drinking and I pester her about the entry. She denied it but eventually admit that it was Beth. I told Jude that having an attraction is fine, as long as she didn’t pursue her. I managed though sometimes I got anxious and asked her for reassurance, asking her an anxiety-driven question like “Do you still like Beth?”, which turned out to drive her to be more interested in Beth, and eventually confess to her (again, I was oblivious of this). Jude went on a business trip for a week, and when she came back, it was my turn to go on a business trip. We didn’t see each other for a good 11 days. I missed her, and can’t wait to tell her all the fun stories from my trip, but not longer than an hour after I got back in the house, she asked for a break. I was shocked and hurt, I cried in confusion. She said she needed space to recalibrate, since she’s worn out from work, to think about everything, and answer many questions. I cannot say no, so we went for a 1.5-month break with ground rules that we both agreed on. I moved out of the house and went to no contact for three weeks before we regularly contacted each other. In January, we reunified. I need time to readjust back to our house. That was when the floods of delayed trauma washed over me. I had a panic attack. For the record, I regularly talk to my therapist monthly and Jude has depression so she’s on meds. We’ve been going to couple therapy too since then. This is when started sneakily snooping on her things; journal entries, text messages with friends, and website history. I did this regularly, without her knowing. And this is how I found out those things above, and the following things I’m gonna tell you: She has been downplaying how she feels about Beth to me. Jude wrote her a letter and poem when she confessed back in October. Jude has text-drunk Beth three times until now, though only sent “Beth”, and tried to call her several times on one occasion when she was drunk. She always googled one quote from a TV series about how ill-fated their meeting is, so often when she’s drunk. I read an entry from January where she mentally declared how she put an end to this, and how she feels guilty about looking forward to seeing Beth in the office because she’s already with me. One time there’s a badly written entry at the back of her journal about how she believes Beth is her person, and how although she loves me, it’s Beth who fated to be with her. A declaration of how much she loves Beth and wants to be with her, but she doesn’t want to leave me either. She ripped that entry some weeks after she wrote it. From my bad habit, I knew too, that Beth had been rather cold and avoiding Jude pretty publicly since January, which made Jude uncomfortable because they’re in the same circle, when Jude tries to go back to being a friend and made it “normal” again. An entry in May; she misses Beth around the office although they didn’t interact. An entry in the beginning of June; how Jude struggles to get Beth out of her head, how Beth didn’t forgive Jude, and how she feels guilty for hurting me and Beth, for cheating emotionally on me. Last night, I found a voice memo recorded at the beginning of June. Jude narrated, talking to herself in the car on the way home. “I guess I never really thought of how Beth feels. I positioned myself as someone who loves her…. I fight for her for quite some time. When Beth finally got vulnerable to me, I bailed. I was selfish, I want (me) and Beth. I wasn’t sure about her feeling when actually she was indeed ready… she wants me to choose her, but she’s not gonna admit it. And that’s the answer I’m looking for, I just want her to say ‘yes, I want you’, and I’m gonna drop everything. But she doesn’t want to feel guilty for the hurt she’s gonna cause (me) and others.” On the surface, I and Jude were thriving, we went on many vacations and adventures, and concerts, and our communication is great too. The discussion about the break was never avoided, we talked about it, and Jude was always reassuring, saying that she has no doubt to be with me, and she’s with me not out of convenience, but because she chose to. Jude gave me reassurance that her feelings for other people are fleeting but love towards me is something that she consciously chooses. We regularly talked about life, and how’s the office and she told me about how Beth has been avoiding her. Her story is pretty in-line with what I found but rather downplayed her feelings. She denied that at some point during the break, she was heavily considering leaving me for Beth. But she is always reassuring and kind, saying leaving me was never an option, she didn’t ever consider it. Now I’m here in limbo, with a betrayal wound gaping big, and keep digging my own graves by continuously violating her privacy. I couldn’t help it. But I don’t know how I can move forward from here. I love her so much and she loves me too, we planned a future together, but I’m so scared that I am chosen out of convenience, and this brouhaha will repeat itself. I need your advice, what would you do in my position? TLDR: I cannot recover from betrayal trauma and I keep self-sabotaging.