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Everything posted by Jibralta

  1. I think you also have to take into account culture. I'm assuming they're both American. If a guy from another country said this to me, I might not be as critical because I don't know what's normal where he's from. But really, it's all about context. The other (very important) thing to take into account is Coly's idealization of this guy: She uses words like "incredible," "constant," "perfect," and "amazing" when she talks about his positive traits. But when she talks about something that might be negative she says "sometimes" and "but not." I don't doubt that his actions have encouraged these feelings in her.... but that's the problem.
  2. It's difficult to know how to respond without knowing more about the misunderstanding. What happened two years ago that caused her to say (or believe) that she couldn't count on you? Why was there a misunderstanding, and what was misunderstood?
  3. I get what DancingFool is saying. Yes, a relationship should be a partnership but this is more like a transaction--a nonsensical transaction! Are you saying if she does more housework or she gets a job, you'll spend more time with her? That doesn't make any sense and furthermore, she doesn't believe you. So, she went and found the companionship she craved by going out with friends. Now, while you're complaining about having the same argument over and over again, another guy is doing the simple thing that you could have and should have done but refused to do. If that's a 'usual' dynamic in your life, I'm sorry.
  4. It seems like there's a lot of threads names "Miss" lately.
  5. I agree that it's much more suspect when it's in the 'getting to know you' phase, like it is here. Especially under these circumstances:
  6. I don't think you're being hyper-vigilant at all. That bolded part has always been a red flag for me. This guy would go from 'Serious Prospect' to 'Source of Amusement' or 'Curiosity' as soon as he completed that sentence. Questions that come to mind upon hearing this from a guy are: Do you think guys just pile up on top of me when you're not around? Am I some substanceless piece of paper blowing around in the wind? All a guy has to do is say pretty things and make beckon gestures and I float away towards him? If a guy says that to me early on, I know he's a blind man and I can't take him seriously. In his mind, I am an object. That's why he sees other guys as a threat. I've tested these waters. I speak from experience. I don't get into abusive relationships ever, but as a curious person I've walked the perimeter. You're starting to get a sense of self Coly. That's good. Listen to your gut.
  7. I agree. I don't think that falling asleep is a big deal. I think it's actually kind of nice. It shows that you're comfortable. The name error is a bigger deal, but I agree that you can probably minimize/negate that slip-up by demonstrating your genuine interest in him (e.g., chatting him up, asking him out again in the very near future, etc). Calling someone by the wrong name is usually a forgivable error in the very beginning of things. I was part of something like this once. But it was me running into an old ex boyfriend and his new girlfriend. He introduced his girlfriend to me as "Jibralta," and I said, "Wow, Jay, you sure like Jibraltas." He said, "Oh my god, Stephanie. This is Stephanie." His girlfriend did not look very pleased lol.
  8. I think that's wishful thinking on your part. But it doesn't really serve you to put another person down (calling them immature and unaware) in order to make yourself feel better.
  9. I get that you don't want to create a tradition out of this, but I think it's important that you go--especially this first time. Make the effort, be gracious. Then alternate spending Christmas with your family (or having a low key day, or whatever). A flat "no" is not going to serve you well.
  10. Exactly. And then you will get sneakier and more manipulative, trying to catch him in one of his many many lies. You will just get dragged down farther and farther (how low can you go) until you convince yourself that you're less than he is. You have already started to do this: When you start believing this, you're really in trouble because self loathing will keep you trapped. What do you find so enticing about this self-debasement? Why are you willing to hate yourself in order to stay with this guy? He's a liar. A liar is not a prize. A liar has no value. Fixed that for you. Make no mistake about this: he doesn't care about you. He doesn't even care about himself. He only cares about satisfaction. So if he's responding to you sulking or being "off," it's simply because it satisfies him to playing along for the time being. Don't think for a minute that he actually cares the way that a normal person would. Eventually, he will grow bored of you. Your pouting routine will abruptly stop working and you'll be bereft as you discover that you can't sink any lower than you already have in order to 'keep' him. You will feel like an ass and that will make it that much harder to recover. Don't lose your dignity. You're supposed to feel this way when someone lies to you. It's your gut warning you to get out now. If you dismiss and minimize and your gut instincts as personal defects, you are setting yourself up for a disastrous relationship. Stop trying to "get over" them and start listening to them.
  11. You didn't screw yourself over by digging, but you are screwing yourself over with the excuses that you make to stay with him. What's so great about this guy? Is Bluecastle on to something here? To paraphrase:
  12. I agree. I don't think that's something that you should get over. But it's your life and your values.
  13. It's along these lines, despite the fact that I feel totally welcome and totally supported. I'm sure I have some residual self-doubt (and distrust!!) from the last few jobs. My 3 month review went really well. The owner, Nadine, rated me higher than I rated myself on some things (and never lower than I rated myself). A couple weeks into this job, the HR lady sat me down to see how I was settling in. I can't remember exactly how the conversation went, but I was telling her how I feel like I need to relax more, and that I felt myself starting to relax. I said that my last few jobs were pretty crazy. She said, "It's called PTSD!!!" and I laughed. It was nice to finally talk to someone who didn't blow off my views as a result of me being weak or inferior in some way. I take these good experiences to heart. They are just a few out of many. Good things happen every day, positive signs of normalcy. I know that with a little more time, I'll stop bracing for the crazy to come out. I saw the crazy at my last two jobs on day one. It was loud and proud, never hidden.* And I, with my career trajectory in mind, chose to minimize and excuse it. There's no sign of crazy here. I haven't had to make a single excuse for someone. These are normal people. ____________________________ * I think 'loud and proud' is a symptom of that particular type of crazy
  14. What are you afraid of? Can you give an example of what you would consider to be a scary answer?
  15. I really like my new job. There's a lot I can say about this, but time is short so I'll be brief. It's a lot of work. I find myself working through most weekends and that can be frustrating. However, I really like my coworkers. In many ways, we are all like-minded people. This is a tough career with many challenges, and I find that the people in this company are all thinking about the problem instead of reacting to it. What a difference that makes!!
  16. I'm still reading this infernal book, The Plains of Passage. I've been eking along at a snail's pace. I'm now on page 247, which is only 17 pages farther than I was a month ago. That's because most nights, I don't even open the book. I take it off the shelf and fall asleep with it on my chest. The idea of reading the book puts me to sleep. Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall back to sleep. I came out into the living room with The Plains of Passage, read a couple pages, and nodded off. Then I went back to bed and slept soundly for the rest of the night. I've read this book before, and I'm pretty sure that I've read it more than once. I have no idea how I got through it. I'm tempted to say that my standards were lower back then (it was over 20 years ago), but I've reread a lot of my favorite books from my teens and early 20s and found that most--MOST--were good reads even for my 40 year old mind. I guess this book is just one of the few exceptions. This morning, I looked up reviews for The Plains of Passage and found that a lot of people felt the same way that I do: this book is more of a research dump than a novel. And it has a lot of sex scenes. This book is probably why I remember the series as being a little bit on the smutty side. Clan of the Cave Bear and The Valley of Horses had sex scenes, but they served the plot. Even the sex scenes in The Mammoth Hunters served the plot (although I found that the plot of that book to be on the weak side). Some of the reviews that I read rated The Plains of Passage with high marks, but those readers were generally devoted to the series. I came upon an interview with Jean M. Auel, and within the first minute she said that she set out to write a story about a woman who was raised by people who were very different than she was. While researching that theme, she learned (through Encyclopedia Britannica) that there was a period of time where Neanderthals and people like us lived at the same time. I stopped the video there and will watch it later. My suspicion is that she got carried away by her research as she was writing the series. I know this essay has been quite critical, but I don't mean to disparage her talent at all. I still appreciate the series for many reasons. But it's quite a tough read.
  17. Exactly. You've already decided. It's time to let her weigh in. You then proceed to date--again another mutual collaboration. You either deal with it, or you give up. You'll both have to cross that bridge if you get to it. If she's 19, you're not going to get arrested so you don't have to worry about a criminal record (at least not for that). If you're overwhelmingly worried about what society thinks, then date someone more age appropriate. Only you can decide what you can handle.
  18. Totally agree!! For all you know, the nudes on his blogs are his 'controlling' ex-girlfriends. By the way, how do you know it is definitely him?
  19. I think that if she's howling when she pees, then she is in pain. When my dog was deteriorating, it hurt her to pee and to defecate. I ended up supporting her hips so that she could go without pain. That seemed to help her. At least it made her stop yelping, poor thing.
  20. To me it does. Where work, school, and relationships are concerned, I think you have to make a long term plan and prioritize one at a time. But the strategy can (and should) change as the situation changes. Once you have one of them in order, it becomes easier to balance the other two. I don't know why, but I've never been able to successfully use a day planner. I've tried multiple times, starting in grade school. I love day planners and calendars and have genuinely longed to fill a whole planner with neat, organized schedules and to-do lists--just like I've always longed to have neat handwriting. But my planners always turn into a mess, and I give up. The thing is, for me, creating a to-do list ends up feeling like a meaningless waste of time when I could actually be accomplishing tasks. I know that lists are useful, and I do resort to them sometimes. But I inevitably abandon them. I think I just naturally operate on a very general, long term increment, and I like to leave open ends for greater flexibility. For example, my career change. I budgeted three and a half years for the new degree, and then left the career development phase open-ended. I knew it would take at least 10 years to become established, so I didn't nail anything down. I was prepared to go with the flow and resolved to roll with the punches as they came. And I'm very comfortable like that--much more comfortable than if I attempted to plan every step.
  21. That's good. Everyone wants kittens. So many adult cats need a good home.
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