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reinventmyself

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reinventmyself last won the day on September 28

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  1. Agreed, but this is early on. The heavy handed comments would come later after a relationship has solidified. These comments cloaked in a compliment are merely entry level.
  2. Entering any new relationship you should be looking for red flags. Having been in an abusive relationship I believe it's pretty normal to be hypervigilant in fear that you may miss them like you have in the past. I honestly went into to each experience thinking all men were this way until they proved me otherwise. It was pretty miserable. That comment could go either way. It's a good thing that you noted it. But at this point continue to take notes and observe. I wouldn't jump ship at this point based on just that (unless you can give another example) (you alluded to other comments) I remember being this way and what helped me and made the difference for me was to not focus entirely on whether they were someone I could trust - but rather if I was able to trust myself. Trust myself to know the difference, know when to stay, when to leave and that I had the strength to handle whatever came my way.
  3. I think it's pretty typical that when someone tells you that they aren't looking for anything serious, they get swept up in the fun as well. But when he steps back and realizes that things are getting more serious than he planned, and he can tell you are becoming attached, he backs off to right size the situation. He doesn't plan on letting you go (yet), but instead is trying to manage this on his terms. Unfortunately it may very well be more of the same push/pull you've been experiencing. It's up to you whether you want to continue on his terms.
  4. I use earplugs. The ones that work best for me are made of silicone. It's similar to molding wax into your ears. My boyfriend doesn't really snore, rarely, but mostly breathes loud. I am such a light sleeper. But while married my ex snored like a freight train, which made me run from the room nightly. He was pretty punishing about it and for some reason he was perfectly fine with the idea that his wife would lay awake all night and chase toddlers the next day while at the same time being sleep deprived. I wish it occurred to me to use ear plugs then.
  5. I am so sorry bolt. . .and though I glanced at your posts I didn't see where she had a diagnosis? I'll apologize if this has been covered but my 15 yr old cat was doing similar things and was diagnosed as hypothyroid and once treated, it went away. You probably don't appreciate this on this day, seeing you've made this very difficult decision. My heart goes out to you. (((hugs))) It seems so unfair that we only get to keep them for such a short time.
  6. It may not be clear to you now, but in time I believe you will look back at this and thank him for ending it. Imagine a lifetime of a one sided relationship. Where your partner makes you feel less then, neglects the relationship and you live in a constant state of anxiety feeling like you need to jump through hoops to keep him. You will meet someone who you don't doubt how he feels because he shows you in every way that he does, consistently. You will feel safe, appreciated and loved. Sometimes we need to learn these lessons the hard way. You will look back clear on what you will not accept and strong enough to walk away when you doesn't happen. I am glad you are in therapy. You should spend some wondering what it is about you that you didn't think you deserved minimal decency or scraps of attention that you had to drag out of him to begin with. Don't be hard on yourself. I think most of us can say we've made poor choices at least once or twice in our lifetime. The important thing here is the valuable lessons this provides you.
  7. I have a lot of people in my life that are very special to me. Not to be confused with being in love with them.
  8. This can go two ways. Make the wrong move too soon and you probably can't recover from it. Give her two options, watching a movie and cuddling or going for a walk for ice cream. Unless you are inexperienced, you should be able to pick up on her queues on what she's up for. No harm in asking if you aren't sure.
  9. There are plenty of mature young men out there that don't objectify young women and have values more inline with your own. Stop trying to parent this one and try to turn him to someone who he is clearly not. Besides, he will view you as his mother and ultimately neither one of you will find each other attractive. This is a mismatch. Throw this one back.
  10. It appears he's moving on. I would suggest you do the same. Seeing you are so tempted, I would delete all means of access to him. Every time you do, you set yourself back and continue to stay stuck He can tell you are hurting and struggling. That's why he couldn't bring himself to tell you another firm no and instead gave you some vague answer that you are reading too much into. His actions are telling you everything you need to know. Do not reach out to him again. At the very least it will confirm his original concern about your inability to control your emotions and validate his reasons for ending it to begin with.
  11. It really does sound as if he's moving the goal posts so you can't possibly get it right, according to him. A friend of mine dated a guy for years and wanted to get married. Every time a deadline came he threw some absurd road block so it would conveniently never happen. Of course he dressed it up with how much he loving wanted to marry her, but always with an unreasonable condition attached. The final straw. She needed to give up everything and move three states away. Mind you, she had 4 teenagers and that wouldn't be possible. He forced her hand to end it. She didn't see he was being manipulative and I doubt he ever intended on marrying her.
  12. Look up 5 stages of grief . . and one of them is denial. Our psyches have a way of protecting ourselves from pain and trauma by numbing intense emotions. Give yourself some time and go easy. The feelings may come later and in different ways. And as another just mentioned, the level of emotions will be in relation to your connection with her. When my mom passed away, I was all over the place. Nothing made any sense for quite some time. I am sorry for your loss. Be patient with yourself.
  13. My ex is not my favorite person, but for the sake of the kids, my boyfriend and extended family I am happy that we can all rise above our egos and enjoy holiday functions together. We've done it a few times and it ultimately ends up being a great time. I love the fact that there is no division, no animosity. I have actually become pretty good friends with my ex's girlfriend, because without this time together I wouldn't have the opportunity to get to know her. If his ex's presence makes you uncomfortable, you can make your own plans. For you to ask him to make the compromise and not see his family sends a dramatic message that will likely come back at you. Challenge yourself to be bigger than this. Remember, majority rules. It appears that everyone else is ok with it.
  14. If you noticed these things on the first date would you consider asking him to make changes to his appearance? I think you got tripped up on your first impression and ran with the fantasy. When he didn't match your fantasy on the second date, you seem to be grasping at getting it back. You know the answer to this. You don't ask someone you barely know to be someone they aren't. You hold out from someone that meets your expectations.
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