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Everything posted by reinventmyself

  1. I can only speak for myself. If I had any inclinations of a possible romantic relationship with you, I wouldn't be going to you for dating advice. A man that I would go to for advice would be a man I put squarely into a friendzone. But that's me. I'd be careful of her wanting to fill the void with your time. . at this point. I personally think some distancing would be a good idea. Maybe after she's had some time to heal she might see you as a potential romantic connection. Right now you'd likely be a distraction.
  2. You don't wait for the strength to do it. Acting on it is what gives you strength. You do the hard thing and give yourself credit for having done so. You continue to put one foot in front of each other and tackle each step and by doing so you build on it.
  3. Get yourself into some personal counseling. Figure out the reasons why you don't believe you deserve better and why fear of the unknown keeps you stuck and making excuses. Take your focus off of him and all the miserable things he does and doesn't do. Focus on why you stay and tolerate it. Walking away from poor, neglectful treatment is powerful. Work on getting your power back and learning to say no to relationships like this. You aren't going to get this time back and you are teaching your child that women deserve to be treated this way.
  4. You may have reacted a little harsh from what you shared. I guess you could take a moment and ask yourself why. Are you interested in more with this neighbor? Because if you weren't I can't help but think his somewhat childish banter would have just rolled off your back. If a guy suggests FWB and tells me it's in my court. . I'd interpret that as him stating the terms and it's up to me to agree with it or not. If you say he makes you uneasy, then you should pay attention to that. Either way, he's still your neighbor and you are bound to see him again. You might apologize for your reaction and keep things light.
  5. No matter how you slice it, low libido, commitment fears. . . she isn't going to suddenly do a 180 and rock your socks off at this point. Are you ok with a lack luster or sometimes non existent sex life?
  6. I think there are often hidden truths behind comments such as this. You caught the first comment about your brother and likely gave it the benefit of the doubt. Second time and it's very possible your intuition is telling you something. Is she guilty? Only time will tell. It appears you are on the brink of finding out who she really is. Will a couple weeks cost you anything?
  7. first and foremost, his online activity has nothing to do with you and your worth. So don't make this about you. He was doing this before you met. You didn't say if he admitted to continuing. Would it make a difference if he pays or does it for free? I don't know, but it apparently matters a great deal to you. Would it bother you if he was looking at free porn instead? This is going to come down to your personal values. What bothers you may not bother the next. You have every right to consider this a deal breaker.
  8. having just glanced at this previous thread of yours, is it possible your boyfriend needs a little more space from you? Everyone has a different tolerance for togetherness and yours may be higher than his. That coupled with his demanding work schedule, he's probably wanting some alone time. That would be a lot easier to give him than a "break" That can be interpreted a few different ways. It could be his way of asking for space, not a break (up) Not matter how you look at it, this likely calls for you to give him some time to himself. It's a minimal request that a lot of couples can handle.
  9. You asked if she was free next Friday. There are 24 hours in a day and you didn't state a specific time. Based on her enthusiastic response "checking her timetable" is about her circling back as the day draws closer to arrange a meeting time for the date. Don't always assume the worse. It will come through in your energy and women can sense it.
  10. You seem like a really nice guy. Telling a really nice guy after a great date that you just aren't feeling a romantic connection is not an easy thing to do. Don't second guess that and think that there might still a possibility if you were to try a little harder. The only thing that will come of that is you will likely lose her as a friend too.
  11. I hear you. At the same time, this early on with someone you really don't know, I would let this one slide. If it becomes a pattern then I would cut him lose. Are you an option? Possibly. He's a free man and can date others. Try not to read between the lines and jump to the conclusion he was holding out to the last minute for something better. For all you know his elderly grandmothers drs appt got rescheduled. You just as easily fill in the blanks of something unknown with something a little less cryptic. You don't know why he responded so late, but if it's pattern in the future, you might have a problem. If he's worth figuring out, keep the date. It's just a date after all.
  12. You are exclusive. He dropped the bf/gf words early on and gave you an out just in case. What does a title prove? Life has taught me that people will only be with you because they want to. Period. Call it cute name, titles, whatever, will not guarantee you anything. If it's important to you, then ask for it. But if you are overthinking to this degree, I can pretty much bet putting a stamp on it isn't going to make you feel much better. You both have the free will to choose and you both currently have the desire to be exclusive with only each other. Title or no title, he can leave if the desire is no longer there. As far as him feeling rattled about his child meeting the new man. Try to not make this about you. There will be plenty more times that coparenting issues will distract him. You'll need to learn to roll with it a little better and not let it throw you into second guessing your relationship each time.
  13. I will chime in and share that I had my first boyfriend at 15 and it ended at 18. Looking back I don't believe we have the maturity to be responsible in a romantic relationship at such a young age. We are likely to form unhealthy attachments to each other and when this is all we know, we tend to hang on longer than necessary. You said this yourself. That this was all you know. To sum up my relationship. It was a parent/child relationship. Myself being the child. Like all children, they eventually grow up. I didn't want to be parented any longer and recognized it as unhealthy. He wanted to continue to be my parent. The unknown shouldn't be scary, it should be exciting. Especially at your age. Here's an analogy: A young deer goes to cross a busy highway. All this deer knows is the forest on the north side of the highway. It has never crossed over to the south side. It begins to cross over the highway. The deer gets 75% of the way to the other side. A truck is approaching. Which way do you think the deer goes? The last 25% percent, the shortest distance to safety? NO. Watch animals if you get this opportunity. The animal will always return to the side it came from. Even at it's own peril. Why? Because it's familiar. I heard this years ago. I still watch for animals crossing the road and it reminds of my own challenging life lessons.
  14. You previously passionately argued the age difference, using comparisons of 30 to 50 and so on. As you get older the maturity gap closes, but there is no argument that a 20 year old has not fully matured. There are studies that frontal lobe of a young adults brain isn't fully developed until around the age of 24. It explains why some young people do reckless things because the reasoning is controlled by ones frontal lobe. They can't conceptualize the consequences of their actions. I am a parent of two young adult men. If this was my daughter I would lose my mind over her engaging men almost twice her age sexually on line. I don't know her, but she is clearly acting out. You both are. It's not a foundation for a relationship. And don't feel bad about ending it. You are doing her a favor. Don't further romanticize it by wondering if you two were brought together under these unconventional circumstance so you can rescue her. . .or you two can heal each other. It just doesn't work that way. The goal of easing your discomfort by going about this way just pushes it even that much further away. It's a act of falling deeper into a rabbit hole and that much harder to get out. I encourage you to either stay in therapy or return to it. Sometimes it really needs to hurt bad enough for someone to be really ready for some serious change. Maybe this is your moment
  15. I'm sorry if you are feeling judged. Is it possible these things are just hard to hear? It will be hard pressed for someone to celebrate your relationship with this girl. I think you know that already. I was in a bad place, post divorce. My dating experiences were tragic and messy. I kept thinking if I tried things differently, or tried harder I might get it right. What I learned (in therapy) was it was important to get right with myself first before I took my show on the road, so to speak. Yes, it was lonely at times, but the alternative was accumulating a lot of collateral damage that I was taking into the next relationship and cycle of bad decisions just continued and my self esteem declined due to my poor choices. It wasn't until I stopped dating and focused on myself that things changed for me. No one's going to like you if you don't like yourself. I know that's an overplayed saying, but it's ove played for a very good reason.
  16. The same was said about my husband of 18 years. Still makes my head spin that they disliked him so much. But at the same time I understand the bind they were in about saying anything to me, 2 kids later.
  17. . . It's kind of like acknowledging you have a drug habit, but you will continue to use until you find something or someone to motivate you otherwise. It doesn't work that way. You abstain and the discomfort motivates you. You start working toward something healthy that feels good and it reinforces you to work harder to get to the other side. You are currently medicating your discomfort by engaging this young woman.
  18. The longer you continue to engage her the further away you get from being motivated to resolve your own issues and having the fulfilling relationship you desire. Consider this a crutch. not to mention you will be encouraging young lady who has some sad issues to continue to act out. I wouldn't be comfortable with that. You shouldn't be either.
  19. You are admittingly emotionally unavailable and you are very brave to admit the shortcomings you are wanting to work through. Unfortunately considering anything more with this basically fantasy person is perpetuating more of the same. Her being younger, the distance and never having met currently makes her pretty unattainable at the point as well. The likelihood of it coming to fruition is low, so you end up exactly where you are currently at. There must be a sense of safety in knowing that things will likely stay the same, but frustrating at the same time It's no surprise you find this attractive and tempting. Fantasies are low risk. Have you considered therapy? You are very much onto what motivates you to do these things. Have you considered getting some support for this?
  20. Seeing you are neither marrying him or breaking up with him at this point or any time soon, why stress about it? Nothing you do at this very moment is going to change the outcome, so table this for now.. Time has taught me if I don't know the answer to something, it will come to me eventually. Have some faith and remember, noone gets a crystal ball to predict the future. Live in the moment a little more.
  21. That's all well and gone but given your propensity to stall longer than most, be careful not to miss your opportunity to move this along. Enjoy!
  22. If you can describe her as someone who is a great deal younger, with possible daddy issues and sexting others, why wouldn't that be more than enough to abort this? You referred to her as your partner but have only been sexting for a week. Yet, you are wondering if you should fly to meet her?? This is the very moment you stop trying to figure out what she's all about and turn the focus on yourself. Why did you become so quickly attached to this young troubled girl? Is there something about all of this that is a wake up call for you to address something going on with you? There is a saying *that we are healthy as the company we keep*
  23. If the men responding to your lady knew that you were in on it and this was just some sort of entertainment for the both of you, I doubt they'd respond to her. (aka -both of you) Misrepresentation is a form a catfishing. Seeing you are misrepresenting yourselves and playing with fire, you basically deserve what you get.
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