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Everything posted by reinventmyself

  1. Agreed, but this is early on. The heavy handed comments would come later after a relationship has solidified. These comments cloaked in a compliment are merely entry level.
  2. Entering any new relationship you should be looking for red flags. Having been in an abusive relationship I believe it's pretty normal to be hypervigilant in fear that you may miss them like you have in the past. I honestly went into to each experience thinking all men were this way until they proved me otherwise. It was pretty miserable. That comment could go either way. It's a good thing that you noted it. But at this point continue to take notes and observe. I wouldn't jump ship at this point based on just that (unless you can give another example) (you alluded to other comments) I remember being this way and what helped me and made the difference for me was to not focus entirely on whether they were someone I could trust - but rather if I was able to trust myself. Trust myself to know the difference, know when to stay, when to leave and that I had the strength to handle whatever came my way.
  3. I think it's pretty typical that when someone tells you that they aren't looking for anything serious, they get swept up in the fun as well. But when he steps back and realizes that things are getting more serious than he planned, and he can tell you are becoming attached, he backs off to right size the situation. He doesn't plan on letting you go (yet), but instead is trying to manage this on his terms. Unfortunately it may very well be more of the same push/pull you've been experiencing. It's up to you whether you want to continue on his terms.
  4. I use earplugs. The ones that work best for me are made of silicone. It's similar to molding wax into your ears. My boyfriend doesn't really snore, rarely, but mostly breathes loud. I am such a light sleeper. But while married my ex snored like a freight train, which made me run from the room nightly. He was pretty punishing about it and for some reason he was perfectly fine with the idea that his wife would lay awake all night and chase toddlers the next day while at the same time being sleep deprived. I wish it occurred to me to use ear plugs then.
  5. I am so sorry bolt. . .and though I glanced at your posts I didn't see where she had a diagnosis? I'll apologize if this has been covered but my 15 yr old cat was doing similar things and was diagnosed as hypothyroid and once treated, it went away. You probably don't appreciate this on this day, seeing you've made this very difficult decision. My heart goes out to you. (((hugs))) It seems so unfair that we only get to keep them for such a short time.
  6. It may not be clear to you now, but in time I believe you will look back at this and thank him for ending it. Imagine a lifetime of a one sided relationship. Where your partner makes you feel less then, neglects the relationship and you live in a constant state of anxiety feeling like you need to jump through hoops to keep him. You will meet someone who you don't doubt how he feels because he shows you in every way that he does, consistently. You will feel safe, appreciated and loved. Sometimes we need to learn these lessons the hard way. You will look back clear on what you will not accept and strong enough to walk away when you doesn't happen. I am glad you are in therapy. You should spend some wondering what it is about you that you didn't think you deserved minimal decency or scraps of attention that you had to drag out of him to begin with. Don't be hard on yourself. I think most of us can say we've made poor choices at least once or twice in our lifetime. The important thing here is the valuable lessons this provides you.
  7. I have a lot of people in my life that are very special to me. Not to be confused with being in love with them.
  8. This can go two ways. Make the wrong move too soon and you probably can't recover from it. Give her two options, watching a movie and cuddling or going for a walk for ice cream. Unless you are inexperienced, you should be able to pick up on her queues on what she's up for. No harm in asking if you aren't sure.
  9. There are plenty of mature young men out there that don't objectify young women and have values more inline with your own. Stop trying to parent this one and try to turn him to someone who he is clearly not. Besides, he will view you as his mother and ultimately neither one of you will find each other attractive. This is a mismatch. Throw this one back.
  10. It appears he's moving on. I would suggest you do the same. Seeing you are so tempted, I would delete all means of access to him. Every time you do, you set yourself back and continue to stay stuck He can tell you are hurting and struggling. That's why he couldn't bring himself to tell you another firm no and instead gave you some vague answer that you are reading too much into. His actions are telling you everything you need to know. Do not reach out to him again. At the very least it will confirm his original concern about your inability to control your emotions and validate his reasons for ending it to begin with.
  11. It really does sound as if he's moving the goal posts so you can't possibly get it right, according to him. A friend of mine dated a guy for years and wanted to get married. Every time a deadline came he threw some absurd road block so it would conveniently never happen. Of course he dressed it up with how much he loving wanted to marry her, but always with an unreasonable condition attached. The final straw. She needed to give up everything and move three states away. Mind you, she had 4 teenagers and that wouldn't be possible. He forced her hand to end it. She didn't see he was being manipulative and I doubt he ever intended on marrying her.
  12. Look up 5 stages of grief . . and one of them is denial. Our psyches have a way of protecting ourselves from pain and trauma by numbing intense emotions. Give yourself some time and go easy. The feelings may come later and in different ways. And as another just mentioned, the level of emotions will be in relation to your connection with her. When my mom passed away, I was all over the place. Nothing made any sense for quite some time. I am sorry for your loss. Be patient with yourself.
  13. My ex is not my favorite person, but for the sake of the kids, my boyfriend and extended family I am happy that we can all rise above our egos and enjoy holiday functions together. We've done it a few times and it ultimately ends up being a great time. I love the fact that there is no division, no animosity. I have actually become pretty good friends with my ex's girlfriend, because without this time together I wouldn't have the opportunity to get to know her. If his ex's presence makes you uncomfortable, you can make your own plans. For you to ask him to make the compromise and not see his family sends a dramatic message that will likely come back at you. Challenge yourself to be bigger than this. Remember, majority rules. It appears that everyone else is ok with it.
  14. If you noticed these things on the first date would you consider asking him to make changes to his appearance? I think you got tripped up on your first impression and ran with the fantasy. When he didn't match your fantasy on the second date, you seem to be grasping at getting it back. You know the answer to this. You don't ask someone you barely know to be someone they aren't. You hold out from someone that meets your expectations.
  15. These views are so contradictory. Initially his actions are disturbing and now after the fact they aren't such a big deal. You are willing to compromise your own personal values for the sake of holding on to this guy, You say he takes good care of you and shows you love an affection. But he lied to your face when it mattered the most. So, you are willing to move forward and adopt a don't look/don't tell attitude. Ignore the fact that he is very likely to continue to look at disturbing content and respond to women. And accept the fact that when asked, you won't get the truth? How warm, safe and fuzzy will you feel a year from now?
  16. If it's not worth breaking up over, why would it be worth testing him over it? He's shown you he is capable of lying to your face and engaging in activity that isn't ok with you. This is not a good start to a budding relationship. I often believe where there is smoke there is fire. This only what you've dug up. Imagine the rest. I find his description of his suspicious, controlling ex very telling as well. My guess she didn't much care for his extra curricular activities as well. You imagining you are the toxic one is a way of twisting yourself into a pretzel. If you can stuff and deny how you feel, make this about some mysterious character flaw you have, you can fool yourself into staying. The only problem is the discomfort will bubble to surface eventually. I'd cut my losses now before I invest any more into this. What made you go looking to begin with? I dated someone for a short time, who I sensed little things, got clues I ignored. Until one date he pulled out his phone and there was a nude s&m photo he quickly hid. Next thing I knew I found myself on adult only websites I never new existed, to find him there almost around the clock. I think our intuition is often grossly underestimated. Something made you go looking for this. I think you need to pay attention to that.
  17. I dated someone with insecurities and much like you described and it slowly became my responsibility to help manage them. But the thing is, your insecurities are yours to manage, not his. He will ultimately grow tired of tippy toeing around you so as to not trigger you. Your description of him is interesting. You either knowingly or unwittingly chose someone almost reclusive, little or no activities and few friends. There is a saying that unhealthy people are attracted to birds with broken wings. . .because they aren't likely to fly away. It seems you find this attractive. But why? You know this is not entirely true. You can't have it both ways. We can fake "as if" for only so long. Especially when we are trying to attract a partner. But once comfortable and attached all your ghosts spill out of the closet < That is the real you. Not the game face act you use to attract someone. Take responsibility for it and embrace it. I agree you aren't ready to date. But here you are. It's good you are in therapy, but unless you learn your responsibility in your past relationships, commit to the work and do it diligently on a daily basis. . .Meaning, you squash those intrusive thoughts and feelings and wait to see the outcome of what ever triggered you rather than acting impulsively on it, this is bound to fail. It seems he is trying to win your trust. But at the same time you are testing him and sabotaging it. When you lose yourself in a relationship you slip back into to old patterns which is detrimental to your style of anxious attachment. You need to push yourself to have outside interest , friends and activities that do not include your partner. It serves as a reminder that you are much more than just someone's girlfriend. And you will be alright now matter what because you have a full rich life to lean on.
  18. Seeing it took you over three years to inquire about the books, it would make sense that one might think you didn't care all that much about them. That would be my interpretation. If some things hold high value to you you don't wait over 3 years to retrieve them and then act surprised when they are gone. Either don't lend things or if they are important to you, you share that information up front and be firm about the timeline in which you want them returned. You and your friend had different experiences and expectations. I don't think it makes her a bad person. Merely a misunderstanding. I wouldn't let it ruin a friendship.
  19. I wouldn't underestimate what his interpretation of what the kiss meant to him. That may be his timeline, but it isn't yours. I might have to date a man a couple months before I agree to be his girlfriend and only after which time we have had a discussion about it and we are on the same page. He made this decision unilaterally. I find that a huge red flag. And if he isn't interested in who you are, by asking questions and actively listening, then he does not know you. Yet he's decided you two are committed to each other? It smacks of him needing somebody. Not you personally. Just someone who's breathing and agreed to two dates. I could be wrong and I am only going based on what you've shared. At the very least, take your time and don't allow anyone to pressure you. Continue to pay close attention.
  20. You telling her how she feels and her responding with "wow" then going dark on you seems like a blow off to me. I don't know the entire context here but it's possible you came across a little arrogant and she's not interested.
  21. I think this calls for you step back and reevaluate what you need and assess as to whether these needs are getting met.
  22. But even with that, the best he gives her is the back of his head while he watches video games.
  23. Breaking up is a complex series of detaching. One, if not the largest part of a romantic relationship is the benefit of their friendship and company. It creates a huge void to lose that person who once occupied that space. As long as there are lingering romantic feelings it's close to impossible to be friends. At least not now. Maybe a year from now, but you both are just prolonging the inevitable by kidding yourself that you are just friends.
  24. I remember a time that I dated a man with a darling little boy. Weekends were spent with the baby napping in his playpen in the living room while we whispered in the dark with the curtains drawn closed. I cooked dinner holding the baby on my hip while his dad laid on the couch watching football. We spent a Sunday at the mall so the baby could ride the merry go round. Mind you, I was divorced and my sons were out of high school. I didn't do this for very long and as sweet as this man was I knew I had to leave. The defining moment. When a good friend asked me what the heck I was doing. Similar stage in life as myself and her new guy, on that same Sunday I was pushing a stroller, was courting her with wine sunsets on his boat, weekend ski trips and adult bbq's with his friends. My experience was such a contrast and it was just glaring that we were at different places in our life. I had to say goodbye. I raised my kids. I wanted to do adult things. Compromise. . Don't break up, but move out or move in with a friend. It may create a dynamic where you two need to make special time for each other. In the meantime you can cultivate a life of your own while still preserving the relationship. You know what you are doing now isn't going to get any better. The oldest may be out next year, but you have two more siblings coming up in age. I wouldn't expect more of the same or similar.
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