reinventmyself

That's exciting. congratulations!

Unavailable people operate on almost a subconscious level. He's never been married, he reached out to someone 300 miles away. Given these two things alone gives him a better than good chance nothing will come to fruition. A fully (emotionally) available person would likely have been married and would only pursue women in his own area with a better guarantee of something to show for his time invested. This arrangement was safe for him. Even if it was subconscious. No doubt he enjoyed the time with you, but his pattern of needing space kicked in and he withdrew. Thats my take.

Could this be the reason she won't secure the fourth date? Am I reading this right?

Given your studies, I think it's preventing you from being objective. Relationships aren't perfect and they do require work and compromise. But therapy rarely changes someone's character or values and this guy isn't a project to fix. He's also immature. Time and life lessons will take care this. I am all about therapy, but it doesn't make incompatible people magically compatible. My guess, he will meet someone someday that will inspire him to be a better man. You in turn should hold out for someone who is better suited for you. In the mean time resist trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

You didn't mention your ages. Even at best, you will spend a lifetime wandering if he is hiding it and an equal amount of time policing it. Trust is earned and once broken difficult to regain. I am going to assume you are young. Easy for me to say, but I'd throw this one back. Him lusting after other women has nothing to do with you. He's likely young and his hormones are in overdrive. From what you've shared you have a very active sex life. There isn't much more you can do to satisfy him. This isn't about you. You might take a long look if there is any coincidence you may have attracted 2 sex addicts.

. . you can have mine! Kidding. He's a lot of work! One year in April. It's one of the main reasons I am not on ENA much. My pc time was in the morning. He's so active in the morning, sitting and drinking my coffee and typing here is pretty much impossible. It's getting better. I can not imagine what it might have been like if I had still been working from home. He's pretty much my 'velcro' cat. He's slowly becoming more independent. But it's been a long 5 months!! but I get it. . .they are so comforting to have around. . (he's asleep right now. . lol)

The entire read smacks of a parent/child relationship. It's serious red waving flags if you have keep such close tabs on him, hold him accountable and keep creating and recreating boundaries for him. Incompatibility. Find someone who shares your same values.

. . . then there are those 'ah ha moments' when I wasn't clear about someone and spun all these same arguments in my head - "if he really cared he wouldn't be willing to risk losing me' That's been reason enough for me to end it.

Yes and no . . just be careful and make sure you are prepared to fully stand behind this declaration to close the door on this. To have him 'jump into action' could be interpreted as merely trying to suss a reaction out of him. It would smell a little passive aggressive and manipulative if someone did this do me. You might initially get a reaction out of me, but I would also turn on it if I felt it was said to just get a rise out of me. Another argument for having real time adult conversation with him. Things of this nature shouldn't be handled through a text.

From what I've read, it appears you wait for him to contact you and make the effort. You did account to reaching out to him once to see if everything is ok. But do you routinely call or initiate seeing each other? Just wondering. Is it possible he's stepping back to see if you will meet him halfway? Is possible seeing you don't, he senses that as a lack of interest as well? To be fair, you are slow fading and ghosting as well. How about having a candid conversation with him to find out rather than just disappearing into the background? At least it will answer your questions.

You are really new at this and to some degree it's normal. Who doesn't like that kind of attention and all the fantasy you get lost in that goes along with it? But take it for what it's worth. Fun and fantasy. When you meet in real life is when the rubber meets the road. I remember doing the exact same thing. Recently separated and communicating with a man I never laid eyes on for a couple months before meeting. Looking back, it's somewhat one or two dimensional. Without the benefit of being in the same room as them, you fill in the other unavailable dimensions with the fantasy of your liking. Unfortunately, it rarely ever matches reality. I had my new friend on a pedestal. My head spun. When I met him in real life it was rather shocking. It felt like a hard crash. Not that he wasn't attractive, but he didn't come close to matching my fantasy. It took me quite some time undo everything I had invested into this and deal with what I had in front of me. Their looks, their smell, the way they carry themselves, the way they eat. . .there are countless things about them that will never translate over through text of a phone call. Chemistry is often elusive and multidimensional. Don't underestimate this. I ultimately wasn't attracted to my new friend. I felt foolish and irresponsible. Enjoy the fun. Manage your expectations. I didn't. I only had to learn that lesson one time.

You didn't mention how long you were married. My condolences on the loss of your husband. Learning to date again after marriage can be a process. Especially when you are dating someone you met online. You learn quickly that dates are just that. Just a date. Not a guarantee and not a marriage proposal. You do not owe each other anything other than politeness and respect. Years ago, going on more than a couple dates would suggest there was an intention of sorts to progress the relationship. But today it's just not so. Especially seeing you both have active profiles and there wasn't any discussion of intentions on either side. That coupled with his inconsistency and unavailability I personally would not have invested in this, let alone go off on him and challenge his character. I am not sure if you can recover from that. If you get this back on track, I would be clear about your own personal values and what you are ultimately looking for. He didn't take advantage of you and it doesn't make him narcissistic. You need to manage your expectations some. It's not easy. I fumbled quite a bit when I was first divorced and rather rusty having not dated. You aren't a sucker and the most valuable lessons are often learned the hard way.

I agree with documented proof because no doubt you will get initially caught up in a tail spin of denial and defense. If it were me, I'd get my affairs in order, find a new place to live and leave the proof for him to find once you are gone. I don't see any need for discussion. Or if you need that face to face, be prepared to have that dramatic moment you disclose what you've found. You didn't say exactly how long you have known, but you can use this time to wrap your head around this and be better prepared emotionally and situation wise. I am sorry this has happened.

He doesn't have to yell or call you names to verbally assault you. Verbal and emotional abuse can be very subtle and insidious. If it happened once or even twice, everyone has a bad day. But what you've described is a pattern of him talking down to you. That's abusive. There is a lot of information on the internet. Educate yourself on emotional and verbal abuse. I went through it for years before I even realized what was happening. Or, was willing to admit it to myself. 18 year marriage with two kids and it had gone too far to turn back therefore I ended it. But not before I had almost 2 years of therapy to find myself again.

These are two contradictory sentences in the same paragraph. How you define being loved? It sounds as if you might feel loved if he was respectful towards you and you didn't need to become small so he can feel big. The continual putdowns, corrections and lack of patience would not feel loving at all. It actually smacks of being somewhat abusive. He seems to like to put you down so he can feel in control. It's designed to break you down. The mere fact you aren't certain if this is wrong, not speaking up and asking if this is ok is an indicator his put downs are working. This typically escalates over time and especially after you commit to a lifetime of marriage. I would start challenging this dynamic now. Calmly tell him it's not ok for him to speak to you this way. If he has true abusive tendencies, he will escalate it. If he's able to listen and have some ownership and understanding of how it makes you feel, you have something to work with. In the mean time give some serious thought to what type of actions would make you feel loved. Beginning with some respect . .that you aren't currently getting. Being told you are loved and the actions towards you that are loving are entirely two different things. Make certain words and actions match. And if you still aren't sure, turn off the noise and only focus on his actions.

Unfortunately, another downside of reconciling after infidelities at some point you are at risk of losing their respect. She might have respected you more if you stood up for yourself and walked away. Add in your admittance that you continue to be soft on these continuing issues. Respect begins with you. Do you respect yourself enough to believe you deserve better? You don't necessarily have to leave her, but you can at least draw a hard line on what you expect in order to stay in this relationship. She isn't going to respect you if you don't respect yourself first. That old Dr Phil saying applies here 'We teach people how to treat us.' You've taught her all of this is ok. Drawing that hard line does often mean you might have to act on it. You cannot be a lion with no teeth. Gathering up your self esteem would be helpful and doing the 'hard thing' reinforces it. It's never easy, but often necessary.

I've watched over and over. Must see!!

But he did use the word obese a few times. Just going on that

I dated someone a few times who was a somewhat overweight. My own personal lifestyle is rather disciplined. I am not a gym rat by any means, but I have always eaten healthy and watched and maintained my weight my entire life. He was handsome, kind, fun and I thought I could get past it. It wasn't for vanity reasons but more so lifestyle differences. Fast fwd, 2 years later I ran into him and did not recognize him. He had participated in some Dr prescribed fad injections and lost a considerable amount of weight. We resumed going out on a few more 'just friendly' dates and it immediately became clear that though the injections had enabled him to lose the initial weight, the lifestyle remained the same. Within weeks the weight was returning, along with the heavy drinking. I could see that there wasn't going to be any lasting changes, and nothing was learned by a quick fix with no serious commitment for change. As nice as he was, I realized we wouldn't have much in common. It wasn't so much about the weight. If he lacked discipline in these areas, one might assume it was lacking in other areas as well. I never said a thing about it. I just observed and made my decision based on that.

People often overeat to medicate themselves. It's not any different than an addiction. Addicts don't typically change because others told them to do so. They change when they get to that place personally and the desire for lasting change comes within. Add in lifelong habits are hard to break. People often lose weight just to return to what is considered their normal. It's not fair for you to choose someone you hope you can mold into someone you want her to be to suit you. You need to accept her as is. Or decide that what you have in front of you isn't something you can handle. If your commitment is hinged on creating a new improved version of who she is, you are seriously misguided.

Jude Law is my hall pass! My bf will even turn on a movie for me and if I'm not already aware, he'll say "your boyfriends on!" I mention it to my girlfriends, and they have no idea who he is. That's ok. . .I won't have to share. Started with Cold Mountain. I saw the movie in the theater and just looking at him made me cry. Yes, the movie was heart tugging. . .but that face . .

A good friend of mine has herpes. She dated a guy several times before disclosing it. He loves her dearly; they practice safe sex, and the rest is history. I personally wouldn't tell someone on or before the first date. When one considers how many first dates you may go on before you actually meet someone you might have potential with. Of course, you absolutely have the responsibility of disclosure before becoming intimate. But you also have the right choose suitable partners and should not set yourself to be eliminated by those who you would never have gotten involved with romantically in the first place. I am sorry you are in this situation. People move on to have happy healthy relationships with STDs all the time. I believe there is a dating website for those who have STDS. Good luck and head high.

Does she have a recent ex by chance? Can't help but think that during the holidays, ex's tend to resurface. This is about the exact time she started having second thoughts. Is she holding out for something else and at the same time keeping you at arms length?

Simply put, people tend to appreciate things that they have to work for. If she's interested she will reciprocate. If you do all the heavy lifting, especially when she's not ready, she isn't going to appreciate it. Not in the way you are hoping for.

I am struggling a little bit with a dynamic between the BF and I. When I used to work having down time was a privilege I rarely had. I looked forward to quiet weekends at my bf's house, cooking, watching movies, sleeping in. Tables have turned and I have too much down time. It causes me to feel restless and unsettled. I am much better one year later but I will always be that nervous energy person. Like a little kid, only after you've worn me out, I can sit still for a couple hours of tv in the evenings, but that's it. I do not like the tv on in the middle of the day. My bf is way more relaxed than I am. He's easily content not doing much and can watch tv all day. Not that he's doesn't have interests and hobbies. He's just way more easy going than I am. A typical day alone in my own home, I can't tell you what I've done but from the time I eat breakfast until it's dinner time I haven't sat down. I am futzing around, pulling weeds, cleaning my sock drawer, running errands, washing my car. I typically go to S's house on Friday and go home on Sundays, after dinner. We see each other one night mid week. He will always remark when I am leaving that there is nothing waiting for me at home and tries to get me to stay. The majority of my time spent at his house is spent in a chair staring at my phone. He loves sports and can watch it for endless hours. I try to be accommodating but at some point, hours later I ask him if we can watch something together. Uhg. My thoughts are, if we aren't interacting or just existing in the same room for the sake of being together staring at our phones, I'd don't see the point and I'd rather be home. At the same I totally understand that every moment isn't about entertaining me. There isn't always something to do and most things to do cost money. I can tell he feels pressured to entertain me and asks for a solution. I tell him I don't say anything because there isn't always a solution. I suppose if we lived together this wouldn't be happening. We wouldn't be shadowing each others every move for days. We'd be doing separate things within the same home and come together at the end of the day. That coupled with me not being in my own home. I am always a guest in someone else's home. And It's not as if I can rearrange his sock drawer. I do try to cook a lot and I was a baking jag for a while. Yesterday after breakfast I am getting dressed and S is sitting there in his pj's pointing out there is Twighlight Zone all day marathon. I wanted to run from the house screaming. It had rained all day Saturday, so we had no choice but to stay in. We watched tv for about 6 hours before bed and 2 hours of morning news at this point. That and I already anticipated an afternoon of football. He's getting better at recording them and watching them after I am gone. I do like sports, but I have my limit. I do want to be with him and in his company. But I find myself resistant to go his home more than I have to. It's really not good for my mental health to just sit there. Sunday nights, I can't get home fast enough. Last week I had been there every night since Thursday. He had a friend coming over yesterday and I was excusing myself so two of them could catch up. So as to not look like I was leaving because of the friend arriving, I stayed a little longer with the two them to visit. But when football came on at 5, it was my queue to head home. He was insisting I stay another night like he does every time. It ended up the friend stayed and watched football until after 9pm. S would have been perfectly thrilled if I sat there quietly with the two of them. We do have nice social life, we go for walks and do things together. But it's not realistic to be doing something all the time. When I had just retired, he would ask me to come over in the middle of the day. I put a hard stop on that, when I arrived a couple of times and sat across from him while he stared at his Ipad and I stared at the top of his head on a beautiful sunny day. I just don't have an answer. We've slowly gotten away from staying at my home. His is more comfortable for the two of us and in the central vicinity of our social and active life.. . when we do do things. But staying at my home, the roles are reversed. He's left to sit and stare at his phone. Moving in together is not an option at this time . . . So, I try to wear myself out on my own time so I can try to sit idle on weekends.