Weird stage of my relationship that I’m scared of

[Advice4888]

I don’t know if anyone’s seen my previous post but short story, my boyfriend of 3 years who I’ve lived with for a year has moved out because we’ve been having relationships issues that were making us both unhappy. He is very confused about what he wants to do and says he doesn’t want to live together at the moment until he’s sure what he wants to do. You can read my previous post to see the full story. Anyway, he came over yesterday, I told him I still want to live together and he gave me all these mixed messages about how confused he is and he needs to find himself and he thinks he needs to leave me because he doesn’t want to make me wait. We can’t get rid of the apartment we have together because the contract doesn’t let us. He says he’ll be there for me as a person but he doesn’t know if he can be there as a boyfriend. But then everything changed I said okay I was obviously upset. He then started hugging me and kissing me so passionately. I know this is probably a bit not pg but then we had two rounds of very passionate sex. After that he offered to spend the night I didn’t even ask him to. When we woke up he said that the night made him feel so much better and that he’s glad we finally had a conversation were we didn’t argue but it’s only been one conversation like that and he wants to see if there will be more calmness in the future as he is scared to be in a relationship with me. However he asked me if I’m okay and I said I’m scared too. He said that for now we won’t be together but he will visit me and we are gonna work on it until perhaps hes less confused. He told me he loved me and then left for work. When I was with him that night I felt like nothings changed. He said he’ll message me and see me after he has some time to himself. What does this mean everyone I’ve never been in a situation like this and I’m really confused. I don’t know if I’ll be breaking my heart more if I wait for him and then maybe in the future he changes his mind or something. But then again I want to do everything to make it work and I want to improve from my mistakes and try and give it my best shot even if it is under the conditions he’s set for now. 

[Wiseman2]

What are the conflicts and arguments about? 

[Advice4888]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What are the conflicts and arguments about? 

They were about little things like being more understanding or we wouldn’t listen to each other but I’m willing to change that

[TeeDee]

The only way to fix a relationship is to work together.  Him moving out is not fixing anything 

Him being there for you as a "friend" is a cop out.  He wants out of this relationship.   You waiting for him only delays the inevitable.  Eventually there will be another girl 

For now figure out the finances.  Can you afford the apartment on your own?  If not, time to get a roommate.  If it's a desirable place with a wait list your landlord may let you out of the lease; similarly if you find a new tenant you can walk too.  Your landlord only cares that they get paid

[Advice4888]

8 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

The only way to fix a relationship is to work together.  Him moving out is not fixing anything 

Him being there for you as a "friend" is a cop out.  He wants out of this relationship.   You waiting for him only delays the inevitable.  Eventually there will be another girl 

For now figure out the finances.  Can you afford the apartment on your own?  If not, time to get a roommate.  If it's a desirable place with a wait list your landlord may let you out of the lease; similarly if you find a new tenant you can walk too.  Your landlord only cares that they get paid

See this is whats confusing about it because he says he’s not moving out forever only for a bit to focus on himself and he’s still been visiting me and being really affectionate. He says he wants to try just needs space for now. I’m not sure if I’m being naive but I could understand him wanting space 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Advice4888 said:

. He says he wants to try just needs space for now. I’m not sure if I’m being naive but I could understand him wanting space 

If he is on the lease he has to pay rent and he can of course visit his own residence. At this point he seems to want to come and go for hookups rather than reconcile. 

It seems like he's exhausted from fighting and turbulence. However you won't say what the arguments and conflicts are actually about. . 

[MissCanuck]

Despite what he says, moving out is not just "taking space." It is effectively ending the relationship. 

Please don't put yourself through this. The visits and sex are just a way to wean himself off your relationship until he's ready to date someone else. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Advice4888 said:

 I’ve lived with for a year has moved out because we’ve been having relationships issues that were making us both unhappy. 

When did the conflicts arguments and discord begin? When you moved in together? Whose idea was it to get an apt together and where did each of you live before?

It seems like moving in together was a mistake and when the troubles began. 

Do you both work? Both contribute to the household responsibilities and finances?  Do you have the same goals and values?  Did you argue about money or leisure time or friends and family or intimacy? 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Despite what he says, moving out is not just "taking space." It is effectively ending the relationship. 

Please don't put yourself through this. The visits and sex are just a way to wean himself off your relationship until he's ready to date someone else. 

I agree. Please don't tell yourself it's confusing.  He wants to have sex and sleep over.  He also doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.  "Scared" to that extent means NOPE.  Try not to lie to yourself to justify settling for scraps but if you can compartmentalize and have fun having sex with him with no strings attached -no potential -then have fun.  

[Advice4888]

38 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree. Please don't tell yourself it's confusing.  He wants to have sex and sleep over.  He also doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.  "Scared" to that extent means NOPE.  Try not to lie to yourself to justify settling for scraps but if you can compartmentalize and have fun having sex with him with no strings attached -no potential -then have fun.  

However I was the one who offered sex he didn’t even mention it until I did and he said he didn’t want to take advantage of the situation and thought it was wrong but then agreed as I said I did want to. He said he still feels connected to me. I know I sound naive right now. Of course I want to believe he will come back. We have been together through so much and I’m hoping he’s not going to give up as he said the whole sleep over thing made him feel a lot better and it’s the first time he’s opened up to me in a while. I’m hoping that means something but then again I might be gullible 

[Advice4888]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

When did the conflicts arguments and discord begin? When you moved in together? Whose idea was it to get an apt together and where did each of you live before?

It seems like moving in together was a mistake and when the troubles began. 

Do you both work? Both contribute to the household responsibilities and finances?  Do you have the same goals and values?  Did you argue about money or leisure time or friends and family or intimacy? 

The arguments started way after we have moved in together. It’s only been recently because we stopped understanding each other and were both selfish with our own needs. We got the apartment together and it was a mutual decision. Before I lived with him for one year and his brother. I moved in with him and his brother one year ago as my relationship with my family was really abusive and had to get out of the situation. Then after a year of living with his brother we wanted our own space. We both work. Both share money if he doesn’t have money I’ll give him, if I don’t have money he gives me. We help each other out. We spoke about our values and I think they do differ but not majorly. We didn’t argue about money, the intimacy from my side was closed off for a bit because I was hurt and didn’t want to be intimate until now when I feel like I want to feel connected to him somehow. His family does cause issues in our relationship sometimes and it’s annoyed me but I’ve tried to be as patient as possible with it. I’m still trying to be better till this day. I can’t change the past but I can try and be better if he’s offering me a chance by saying he will visit me and we will take it slow and work it out no? Or am I being dumb. He was so in love with me and our miscommunication hurt him but before he left I didn’t even know it was that much pain from his side he didn’t even tell me. So I didn’t know how serious it was but he acted completely normal with me he wasn’t closed off or anything. And it just switched so fast I didn’t even process anything yet

[MissCanuck]

22 minutes ago, Advice4888 said:

Or am I being dumb.

You aren't dumb. 

You're hurting and don't want it to be over so you're looking for any sliver of hope. Your expectation that this will work out isn't very realistic, but you're not dumb. 

When someone takes a step this far back from the relationship, it usually doesn't come back together. Take it from those of us old enough to have been around this block before. 

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, Advice4888 said:

, the intimacy from my side was closed off for a bit because I was hurt. His family does cause issues in our relationship sometimes and it’s annoyed me 

Right now you're both on the lease and it's still his residence and financial responsibility. You can't bar him from coming over. 

Sadly your relationship started out strained by moving in with his family to escape a bad home situation. And you mentioned they continue to be problematic

What caused you to withdraw physically and emotionally from him and intimacy? What do you mean by "I was hurt"? Who hurt you? . 

With respect, it seems like you have a lot of issues and demons to work out and perhaps finding a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support could help you.

It may not save this relationship, but you could feel a lot better in future relationships. 

[catfeeder]

Can you afford to keep the place by yourself, or will he continue paying half?

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, Advice4888 said:

When I was with him that night I felt like nothings changed. He said he’ll message me and see me after he has some time to himself. What does this mean everyone I’ve never been in a situation like this and I’m really confused. I don’t know if I’ll be breaking my heart more if I wait for him and then maybe in the future he changes his mind or something. But then again I want to do everything to make it work and I want to improve from my mistakes and try and give it my best shot even if it is under the conditions he’s set for now. 

Sex is always the easy part, of course he'd go for that!

But, yes, in order for this to work out at all, you two need to figure out the problems.... and fix them.

Sadly though, if he has walked out, it shows he's quite frustrated 😕 .

How does he mean he is afraid to have a relationship with you?  What's going on?

make note: when a couple breaks up, things will NOT work out unless or until what has caused the BU is fixed - which takes time.  And do not do this on again/ off again thing.  If you're done, you're done.

And, if you're broken up now at this time, it may be an idea to refuse him any physical interaction.  He's either in or he;s out!

[smackie9]

If he wants to take things slow and "work" on things, then hold him up to it...in the mean time no sex, because I have a feeling all he is doing is giving you lip service in order to get release. So put that on hold. He has a hand he can take care of himself. If he is serious enough, he will be willing to do anything to focus on the issues and strongly work through it for the sake of saving your relationship. If you think that's too far fetched then you best be booting him to the curb and move on. 

[Advice4888]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

Sex is always the easy part, of course he'd go for that!

But, yes, in order for this to work out at all, you two need to figure out the problems.... and fix them.

Sadly though, if he has walked out, it shows he's quite frustrated 😕 .

How does he mean he is afraid to have a relationship with you?  What's going on?

make note: when a couple breaks up, things will NOT work out unless or until what has caused the BU is fixed - which takes time.  And do not do this on again/ off again thing.  If you're done, you're done.

And, if you're broken up now at this time, it may be an idea to refuse him any physical interaction.  He's either in or he;s out!

 Thanks for that, the issues genuinely were communication. I felt like he didn’t listen to my feelings so then I disregarded his. I think both sides are at fault but this week gave me a lot to think about and I want to be more understanding. I’m just not sure what to do at the moment. I will give him that time I have no where to go anyway I’m staying alone at our apartment and don’t really have the opportunity to move out. I’m in a constant state of anxiety and it’s affecting my everyday tasks because even when I try to distract myself I can’t.

[Advice4888]

9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

If he wants to take things slow and "work" on things, then hold him up to it...in the mean time no sex, because I have a feeling all he is doing is giving you lip service in order to get release. So put that on hold. He has a hand he can take care of himself. If he is serious enough, he will be willing to do anything to focus on the issues and strongly work through it for the sake of saving your relationship. If you think that's too far fetched then you best be booting him to the curb and move on. 

Thanks for that, do you think it would be reasonable to give him some time to himself though before I try to ask him to work it out more? Being in a relationship for 3 years and living together for most of it, I feel like I don’t know who I am when I’m not with him and even I feel like I need to remind myself who I am. From what I heard from him he’s saying the same thing. The issue is the anxiety I’m experiencing is preventing me from trying to focus on myself because all I think of is him and what will happen no matter how much I try to distract myself

[Advice4888]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Can you afford to keep the place by yourself, or will he continue paying half?

 I cannot afford it by myself, i don’t even want to stay there at the moment because the apartment just remind me of him as it was meant to be out fresh start. He did say he will contribute but it’s just going to make things hard for me if he does end up ending it 

[TeeDee]

7 hours ago, Advice4888 said:

See this is whats confusing about it because he says he’s not moving out forever only for a bit to focus on himself and he’s still been visiting me and being really affectionate. He says he wants to try just needs space for now. I’m not sure if I’m being naive but I could understand him wanting space 

He's lying.  He's looking for the exit.  

There's a say:  don't make somebody a priority if for them you are only an option.  

I'm not generally into ultimatums but here I think one might be warranted  He needs to put on his big boy pants.  If he wants this relationship to work, he needs to put in the effort.  If he's ambivalent he needs to own that & break up with you.  Bread crumbing just strings you along & keeps you hoping.  It's really not fair. 

[SooSad33]

3 minutes ago, Advice4888 said:

Thanks for that, the issues genuinely were communication. I felt like he didn’t listen to my feelings so then I disregarded his. I think both sides are at fault but this week gave me a lot to think about and I want to be more understanding. I’m just not sure what to do at the moment. I will give him that time I have no where to go anyway I’m staying alone at our apartment and don’t really have the opportunity to move out. I’m in a constant state of anxiety and it’s affecting my everyday tasks because even when I try to distract myself I can’t.

Aww, the anxiety.. yeah 😕 .

Well, this is what you two NEED to do.  Communicate. Especially if you want to make things work.  Not run off when you're having problems.

I suggest you do a read on a book I find interesting. I think even on Kindle. 'Men are from Mars, Women from Venus'.  This explains a lot abt how men can 'function'. Eg. man cave, how they show their affection, communication issues, etc.  So, how different they can be from us.

But yes, communication IS necessary for a relationship to work. 🙂 

So maybe for now, let him have some time on his own.  Let the dust settle ( for a few days).  And then maybe reach out and ask that he come 'talk' to you.  

Just do not make yourself look desperate.  Be respectful and let him talk and 'Listen'.  He NEEDS to do the same.  Listen... then reply. ( As you're not quite sure yet IF he's on the outs for good, right?).

IF he cares enough , he may agree to try again.  So, at that point, you know what you two need to work on.. Respect & Communication.

Relationships take work.  Good luck, keep us informed. 🙂 

[Advice4888]

1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

Aww, the anxiety.. yeah 😕 .

Well, this is what you two NEED to do.  Communicate. Especially if you want to make things work.  Not run off when you're having problems.

I suggest you do a read on a book I find interesting. I think even on Kindle. 'Men are from Mars, Women from Venus'.  This explains a lot abt how men can 'function'. Eg. man cave, how they show their affection, communication issues, etc.  So, how different they can be from us.

But yes, communication IS necessary for a relationship to work. 🙂 

So maybe for now, let him have some time on his own.  Let the dust settle ( for a few days).  And then maybe reach out and ask that he come 'talk' to you.  

Just do not make yourself look desperate.  Be respectful and let him talk and 'Listen'.  He NEEDS to do the same.  Listen... then reply. ( As you're not quite sure yet IF he's on the outs for good, right?).

IF he cares enough , he may agree to try again.  So, at that point, you know what you two need to work on.. Respect & Communication.

Relationships take work.  Good luck, keep us informed. 🙂 

Thanks this honestly means a lot. I’m just not sure how much time is too much time. It’s been a week.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Advice4888 said:

 I have no where to go anyway I’m staying alone at our apartment and don’t really have the opportunity to move out. 

How much longer are you both stuck in the lease?. Please keep in mind, after the lease is up he doesn't have to continue to pay.  Why not use this time to start looking for affordable housing?

You claim you fled a bad home life and that's why you moved in with him. So it doesn't seem like moving back there is an option.

Since he's clearly exiting the relationship, staying in the apartment when the lease is up isn't an option either.

Please understand moving out is the end of a relationship, not a variation of it. 

[Advice4888]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

How much longer are you both stuck in the lease?. Please keep in mind, after the lease is up he doesn't have to continue to pay.  Why not use this time to start looking for affordable housing?

You claim you fled a bad home life and that's why you moved in with him. So it doesn't seem like moving back there is an option. Since he's clearly exiting the relationship, staying in the apartment when the lease is up isn't an option either. Please understand moving out is the end of a relationship, not a variation of it. 

The least ends next January. The apartment is in his name. He says he doesn’t want to cancel the lease as it will affect his credit score really negatively and he might not be able to find another place. The apartment is only in his name because I’m a student and only have a part time job. But I’ve brought everything in the apartment. All the furniture and deposit was payed by me.

[SooSad33]

1 minute ago, Advice4888 said:

Thanks this honestly means a lot. I’m just not sure how much time is too much time. It’s been a week.

Okay, but you said he was over yesterday? 

So, let things simmer for another few days, since he had a 'gentle reminder' of being around his GF .

Maybe, towards then end of the week, you reach out and say you two need to talk....  And that is when you ask him... Are you in this with me, or not?  Do you feel we can work things out or not? ( But dont be aggressive - but you do want/need to know whats up with him.)

He's either up for trying to work it out with you - where YOU communicate - and no head games and he TRIES harder as well.  So either he's in this with you or he's out.