Weird stage of my relationship that I’m scared of

[smackie9]

24 minutes ago, Advice4888 said:

Thanks for that, do you think it would be reasonable to give him some time to himself though before I try to ask him to work it out more? Being in a relationship for 3 years and living together for most of it, I feel like I don’t know who I am when I’m not with him and even I feel like I need to remind myself who I am. From what I heard from him he’s saying the same thing. The issue is the anxiety I’m experiencing is preventing me from trying to focus on myself because all I think of is him and what will happen no matter how much I try to distract myself

Time to himself, is unacceptable. Any relationship that needs work should be quality time together, getting counseling, communicating with small breaks in between to do things on your own time like going to the gym, hang out with friends, stay home and binge watch movies etc. But going on for days without a peep with you sitting there wondering....no, that won't work. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Advice4888 said:

. The apartment is only in his name because I’m a student and only have a part time job. But I’ve brought everything in the apartment. All the furniture and deposit was payed by me.

Sorry this is happening. He's correct that canceling the lease is problematic for him. The bad news is he's technically your landlord and can ask you to vacate with notice since you do contribute to rent.

The good news is you're not on the lease and not obligated therefore can pack up and go at any time. 

Please use this time to find affordable housing. Check on campus for student housing, financial assistance, scholarships, work study programs, etc. 

He doesn't have to put you through school, house or support you so it's best to make alternative plans.  Sadly your situation is a mess right now, but you can start taking steps to improve it. 

[Lambert]

Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it, too.

Don't put up with his $heet. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Advice4888 said:

He said he still feels connected to me. I

He likely does.  And it doesn't mean he wants to be in a relationship with you.  Did you offer sex hoping to win him back?

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Advice4888 said:

 Thanks for that, the issues genuinely were communication. I felt like he didn’t listen to my feelings so then I disregarded his. I think both sides are at fault but this week gave me a lot to think about and I want to be more understanding. I’m just not sure what to do at the moment. I will give him that time I have no where to go anyway I’m staying alone at our apartment and don’t really have the opportunity to move out. I’m in a constant state of anxiety and it’s affecting my everyday tasks because even when I try to distract myself I can’t.

Can you spend more time out of the apartment -including with friends? 

[Advice4888]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He likely does.  And it doesn't mean he wants to be in a relationship with you.  Did you offer sex hoping to win him back?

No I offered it because I wanted to feel connected to him as well. Maybe a part of me did hope that he would realise something by it as well. What do you think? I feel like perhaps he would have left by now but he’s sticking around I’m not sure 

[Batya33]

Just now, Advice4888 said:

No I offered it because I wanted to feel connected to him as well. Maybe a part of me did hope that he would realise something by it as well. What do you think? I feel like perhaps he would have left by now but he’s sticking around I’m not sure 

I think it's a poor approach in this situation and will potentially hurt you more -you already said you had chosen to disregard his feelings leading up to his moving out -so how in the world could physical intimacy restore that sort of thing? He did leave the relationship.  His sticking around is not in the relationship context.

[Advice4888]

58 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's a poor approach in this situation and will potentially hurt you more -you already said you had chosen to disregard his feelings leading up to his moving out -so how in the world could physical intimacy restore that sort of thing? He did leave the relationship.  His sticking around is not in the relationship context.

I’m trying to show interest and improve on that in the present annd future anf everyone seems to think I’m the only one who disregarded his feelings. He did the same to me but I’m not leaving but trying to work on it

[Tinydance]

I think it's OK for him to have some space and to think about things. But I don't think that what he suggested actually benefits you in any way. If he wants to work on your relationship them he shouldn't actually be moving out and he should continue living with you as a couple. Moving away and leaving you to pay all the rent and bills alone isn't really working on the relationship.

If he wants some time to himself to think things through then he can take some time. But he can't be like: "I'm going to be visiting you" and coming over, having sex, then leaving. He's getting something out of it, but you're not because you don't want to break up. I'm not saying he's definitely seeing other people but he's got his own place so he could be on dating apps for all you know. You love this man so why should you be just his booty call? If he doesn't want to be with you then it's how he feels. But he can't just say you're not together but he's still seeing you and having sex, yet he's "single". He's got the best of both worlds while you're completely miserable.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

 Moving away and leaving you to pay all the rent and bills alone isn't really working on the relationship.

The lease is in his name and he's paying the bills and is stuck in the lease for a year. . Therefore it's his residence and he can come and go as he pleases.

She is a student working part-time and is Not on the lease and can move at any time into affordable student housing. Free and clear without legal obligations regarding the lease .

He is under no obligation to support her. She doesn't have to have sex with him when he comes over.

But she certainly can't ban him from his own apartment he's paying for . 

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, Advice4888 said:

I’m trying to show interest and improve on that in the present annd future anf everyone seems to think I’m the only one who disregarded his feelings. He did the same to me but I’m not leaving but trying to work on it

Yes. It takes two to have a healthy relationship -for whatever reason now or reasons he has left the relationship. Never try to convince someone to be in a relationship with you -IMO.

[Tinydance]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The lease is in his name and he's paying the bills and is stuck in the lease for a year. . Therefore it's his residence and he can come and go as he pleases.

She is a student working part-time and is Not on the lease and can move at any time into affordable student housing. Free and clear without legal obligations regarding the lease .

He is under no obligation to support her. She doesn't have to have sex with him when he comes over.

But she certainly can't ban him from his own apartment he's paying for . 

Yes but you're talking about it like he's only just a roommate but he's her partner of three years. Yes of course he's allowed in the apartment but he said he's moved out. So why is he coming there? This is not just a legal contract on a lease, this is their relationship.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Yes but you're talking about it like he's only just a roommate but he's her partner of three years. 

It's sad the relationship isn't working, but she refused to be intimate with him for a long time, choosing to bicker about his family instead.

It's a bit manipulative of him to camp out at his family until she "changes". But perhaps it's better for both of them this relationship cones to an end.

8 hours ago, Advice4888 said:

, the intimacy from my side was closed off for a bit because I was hurt and didn’t want to be intimate until now when I feel like I want to feel connected to him somehow. 

 

[LootieTootie]

I think the problems have piled up and there's no coming back. 

Have you looked into affordable housing for students? Maybe just focus on your studies and not rely on him for your source of distraction, comfort, and shelter. This guy was probably your savior away from your abusive family but he's not your savior in life. Only you can help yourself.

[MissCanuck]

Girl, you need to start looking for alternate accommdations. 

I know you don't want to, but you don't have much choice. What happens if he meets someone else and wants you out? Please don't assume this won't happen. It very well could. 

[Andrina]

He's taking space away from you like you're toxic waste. Couples might need a few hours of space from one another when there's a heated argument, but totally moving out is no way to resolve relationship problems. It's regressing versus progressing. Two people who love each other would be pulling out all the stops to fix the communication issues in one or more ways. As said, reading a book or two together about communication and practicing those skills--making a true effort. Couples counseling could've been arranged to get a skilled professional's input.

He's trying to exit with the least amount of drama possible, for his own benefit. He doesn't care about fixing things, and he only cares about himself. Otherwise, he wouldn't be leaving you in limbo nor in financial straits. Start doing what's best for yourself and make arrangements to move your stuff out of his place. Mature, caring people don't run away from problems. They either work on them with the partner they love, or make a clean break so their former partner can begin to move on. Good  luck and let us know how it goes. 

[yogacat]

I didn't realize this was the initial thread and you created a new one.

As I see it, I'm afraid to tell you that whatever efforts you make to show interest in him and improve in the future are pointless. He's the one who's making all the decisions and determining what your present and future will be. 

You'll never improve anything until you get some therapy. This constant need to be with someone - your anxiety that won't allow you to move out and be by yourself - is not doing you any favors. That you've now found someone else to distract you from facing your real problems just means your problems are truly serious.

You continue to give - but do you realize you're only giving him what he wants which is sex - continued affection - and you're accepting his visiting as meaning he wants you back. He really doesn't - but he enjoys the parts of the relationship he gets.

I know it's scary to think about being alone and facing your problems, but it's necessary. You have to learn to be independent. Moving in with him to escape your family was not a good idea, and now being overly involved with him probably lead to this break-up.

I realize your immediate family failed you but do you have any other relatives or friends that you can possibly stay with temporarily?

One step at a time is the only way to win this battle.:)

But you have to put one foot in front of the other - to start with - this relationship and your apartment are done - you have nothing to work on which you cannot even afford by yourself, or should be trying to work on.

The best you can do is leave him alone and find any way you can to find a temporary place to stay. If you have friends or family that will let you stay with them to save money, that might be best. Someone else might have a better suggestion to you about how to handle the fact that you cannot afford to move out of your apartment. This is what I mean by moving to get your life back on track and figure things out one step at a time. 

You cannot figure anything out in your current state of being there and being afraid to move out. I'm glad you're so intent on trying to show an interest in him and improving things, but really, this whole thing is spinning in circles. You have yours and his mutual family that have to see that there's more to life than giving yourself away to somebody else. There's more to life than taking and keeping your serious problems, and the person you claim to love which in reality is a codependent relationship - and trying to distract yourself and hang on to something that doesn't exist anymore.

[Tinydance]

How much time is left on the lease of the apartment? My advice would be to pay some of the rent yourself until then and say to your ex that he can't come over. If he's taking time and space to himself then he needs to stay away. If he wants to move back in and be a couple he can but not until then. I think it's important to have some boundaries.

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

 say to your ex that he can't come over. If he's taking time and space to himself then he needs to stay away. 

She wants him to come over, hoping finally having sex again will reignite the relationship. It may work, it may not. For now he's still camping at the sister's to avoid her arguments. 

Please understand, it's illegal to bar someone from their own residence. The solution, (since she's not on the lease and can leave any time) is to find appropriate affordable housing housing.  She's not a helpless victim. 

[Tinydance]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She wants him to come over, hoping finally having sex again will reignite the relationship. It may work, it may not. For now he's still camping at the sister's to avoid her arguments. 

Please understand, it's illegal to bar someone from their own residence. The solution, (since she's not on the lease and can leave any time) is to find appropriate affordable housing housing.  She's not a helpless victim. 

I was just thinking of a practical solution  that's all. If she's happy in this apartment and doesn't want to pay removalists then she could just pay him the money or straight to the real estate agent or landlord or what not. I feel like you're being very technical and matter of fact buy why? Like if I had a housemate and we had a massive fight and they moved out and we were just waiting for the lease to end. If they're still on the lease of course legally it's their place as well but if they come there "just because" what is the purpose? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

. I feel like you're being very technical and matter of fact buy why?

You can feel whatever you like and offer whatever advice and "practical solution" you wish. 

The advice is for the OP anyway. There are people who will debate for pages, but alas, I'm not one of them.

[yogacat]

OP, not sure what country you're in, if it's in the US there is a great resource called Furnished Finders. It's mainly for traveling nurses but they have inexpensive housing, rooms to rent, long term stays at hotels, etc. Private owners can rent their own properties also. It might help you on you journey. Good luck!

[smackie9]

On 3/11/2024 at 12:36 PM, Advice4888 said:

Thanks for that, do you think it would be reasonable to give him some time to himself though before I try to ask him to work it out more? Being in a relationship for 3 years and living together for most of it, I feel like I don’t know who I am when I’m not with him and even I feel like I need to remind myself who I am. From what I heard from him he’s saying the same thing. The issue is the anxiety I’m experiencing is preventing me from trying to focus on myself because all I think of is him and what will happen no matter how much I try to distract myself

I get it he wants space, but to cut you off and leaving you wondering what's going is not right. The issue is communication, so why not keep communicating even tho he's somewhere else? Nothing wrong with creating a life outside the relationship if that's what he is suggesting. He has to realize that you still need support, encouragement, to lift you up instead of leaving you in the dust. 

[Albert Campbell]

It's hard when things get all complicated like that. It seems like there's a lot of uncertainty floating around, and it's totally understandable that you're feeling confused. It's good that you're willing to work on things, but make sure you're also taking care of yourself in the process. Communication is key, so keep talking things out and hopefully, you both can figure out what's best for you individually and as a couple.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 3/11/2024 at 10:20 AM, Advice4888 said:

the intimacy from my side was closed off for a bit because I was hurt and didn’t want to be intimate until now when I feel like I want to feel connected to him somehow.

Hello @Advice4888re ^^^ can you please tell us what was really going on that caused you to basically not want to have sex with him?  You said you were hurt, how so?

Did HE hurt you?  If so, how?  We need more context.

Without that context, my read of this is he felt quite rejected by you, by your lack of desire to want to have sex with him.  

Now that he's moving out and distancing himself, and you DO desire him and want to have sex with him, what kind of message do you think that sends him?  I will tell you, it tells him that the more distant HE is, the more attracted YOU are!  To him.  And as such your desire for him and to have sex with him has increased

I think it's time you get really honest with yourself and figure out your own feelings.  It sounds to me like moving in together caused you (and perhaps him) to feel suffocated and bored, your relationship lost it's spark and as such your sexual attraction declined.

Now that he's moving out, and keeping somewhat of a distance, you miss him, you crave him, you desire him!

If I am wrong, my bad, but this is my take of the situation from what you have written.

Figure out what you want, truly want.  Once you figure it out, let HIM know.  He should do the same with you.  Ideally, you will reach a compromise - a balance of closeness and distance in your relationship that works for both of you so you don't shut down sexually and emotionally.

In the meantime, go no contact giving you BOTH time to figure things out.  This means no sex, no texting, nothing.

You both need to experience what life is like without the other.  And that won't happen if he's still coming around for sex.