catfeeder

Well, that's kinda like saying it would kill you if someone became a diabetic when you were together. Also, consider that not everyone who abuses alcohol is an alcoholic, just as not everyone who is obese has an inherent obesity disease. We can't diagnose the genetics, biology or predisposition of others. That's outside our scope, and so is any blame for their behavior. Of course there is justice. Z will always need to be Z. That is a self-imposed sentence. She is her own enemy, and she leaves plenty of enemies in her wake. I understand that stirring up stuff about her is painful, but the rearview perceptions of her that you gained will return again. Try to remind yourself of those when you hurt too much. Let yourself get centered with them before you delve back in, because the more objective perspective will guide you to do your best editing.

Yep! The 'good' patient. You know all the right answers people want to hear, and this includes your therapist. The problem is, it's not authentic. And this wastes your money, and it wastes your time. You get the immediate reward of being regarded as a bright and well adjusted human being, but then you realize that all you've just accomplished was dodging the discomfort of identifying shame. Sounds like you're verging on busting out of a suspended state. You've been ashamed of something, maybe from the 7 or 8 years ago or earlier, and you opted to straighten up and fly right. So you've been going through the right motions and staying out of touch with whatever may have shamed you enough to stuff it and snap yourself into shape. It might be a good idea to consider your post above to be a goldmine to review with a new therapist, along with a confession that you've slid right by your prior therapist(s) and need someone who will hold you accountable to discussing your innermost uglies. You'll need to commit to making a mess and feeling pretty lousy about that for a while as you learn how to best clean it up and feel pride in that. You've skipped steps. You've tidied up to present well, but you know where your dirt is hidden, and you may be ready to address it. The key word above is 'new' therapist, because you were able to bamboozle any prior ones, and so you're not likely to trust their judgment--or your own when you are with them. I know this, because I've done it, too. Head high, and write more if it helps.

So there's no need to treat him like the only one you'll ever have. If he doesn't have enough regard for you to stay with you even when you respect your own limits, then he's not worth trashing your own boundaries over, correct? Head high.

This is what Z needed to tell herself to obfuscate the reality that your choices were just better than hers. And they continued be long after she spent her time getting drunk or gaming instead of investing in herself. She may have started out your relationship as inspired by you, but when she recognized that she didn't have the same talent for hustle, she just started drinking more and making you out to be 'the bad guy'. That's her problem, not yours. Since you're editing now with less sentimentality toward Z, maybe you can tweak more things like this to be less blatantly personal to her if you were reading it through her eyes. For instance, does the coal miner figure prominently in the story, or could he be a mill worker, or a car factory inspector, or could he be a mechanic? While there are some things that may need to follow true to her story, the more details you can change, the less likely you will be to suffer anxiety once editing is no longer an option. That's the thing about committing something to publication--the thing leaves your control. Well, do you want to set yourself up to obsess about this once you can't do anything about it? I get that it 'shouldn't' matter what Z thinks of your writing, and while I agree with that in theory, in reality, you're the one with the OCD. So do you want to set yourself up to spin out after publication and start fearing running into her or people who know her? How badly could that impact your life, and for how long? I'm asking because I don't know the answers, not because I claim to know you any better than you know you. But you have the opportunity to pave an easier after-launch life for yourself, and you have the power in this moment to consider any potential consequences for yourself and steer those wisely.

I think it's the 'desperate' in your title and speaking of being in love with him already. That kind of intensity isn't the kind of vibe you're likely able to hide from the guy. He might view that as giving him the kind of leverage to have scheduled the last two dates at his home, where he could learn whether he could translate that into casual sex. I'd follow Andrina's advice and back off of contacting him. If he reaches out to schedule a date, don't accept if its at his home. Learn whether he'd be willing to go out, instead. If he just sends banter text or doesn't invite you out beyond his home, I'd consider him not very invested in getting to know you as a human being. That wouldn't be okay with me, but you'll get to decide if it's good enough for you. Head high.

It doesn't sound like lack of interest. There are those of us on the planet who don't treat texts with the urgency of an emergency--there are phone calls for that. Sometimes messages come in at times when we are are focused on something else, driving, eating, sleeping, charging the phone in another room, or just not in the right headspace to read and respond. In fact, if he's as attracted to you as he says, he may need to get into the right frame of mind to approach the message. I just think that putting too much weight on message response times can produce too much anxiety--and for no other reason than two people viewing messaging through a different lens.

I took your side. You either missed my post, or maybe you're only interested in arguing.

I agree. It makes no sense to pummel someone here for asking a question. It's supposed to be what we're here for.

Why so accusatory, Wise? Having a bad day? It's perfectly valid to feel stung by someone's tone, and in this case the nasty words align with it. I'd find an appropriate time to ask her what's been making her so unhappy lately. If she snaps at you for the question, you can tell her that she's proving your point, and to let you know when she's willing for the two of you to speak with one another through mutual respect with a goal of solving a problem together. If she decides that she's not willing to do that, then what, exactly, do you have left to build on? it makes no sense to remain involved with someone who's sole interest in you is to demonstrate contempt. If she's not willing to partner with you to be on the same side, I'd pull the plug on this.

As I suggested on your other thread, you can offer her one last invitation to meet soon, and if she says she's not ready, you can tell her that you respect that, but you're interested in spending your time with someone who wants to meet in person. If she ever decides that she would like to do that, she can reach out to let you know. If you're still available then, you can meet to catch up. Meanwhile, you wish her the best. This explains why you're walking away even while leaving your door open to the possibility that she may change her mind in the future. Going forward, I would not continue messaging anyone who isn't willing to meet in person. It's fantasy-building, and it's for people who only want to live in their own head--or for people who are invested in someone else and are being disloyal to that person by messing around online.

Good, she's not being defensive. Since you can talk openly together, why not tell her about hearing the guy next door and how this makes you feel. Maybe this will inspire her to want to tap into her younger self, too?

How long have you been with your partner? Since HS tells us nothing because we don’t know your age. When you discuss this with your partner, how does she respond?

I think you’re right. You might want to try dialing back some of that charm so you won’t keep overwhelming all the women. Being too great might be too intimidating. You might consider pursuing some women friends who can get to know you and coach you and help you understand women better. This could be one advantage some of these other guys have over you—helpful sisters or women friends. Good luck!

But wouldn’t that be ideal? You can love someone as a human being without feeling pressured to remain his partner. Some people are best loved from far away.

I hear. We've been taught from the time we were children to beware of 'stranger danger' without also being taught the skills and awareness to identify and handle potential risks inside our own social circles and even within our own homes. So lots of people grow to believe that violence must be 'random' in order to be real violence. It's also a mind twist because abusive people can be perfectly good people beyond that aspect of personality. They may be charming when they face the world, they may be loving and wonderful at the start of a relationship or even throughout most of a relationship. When the first explosion happens, it's a shock, and it's not believable. It may have seemed small enough to sweep under the rug. But the behaviors escalate if we don't recognize the immediate need to get away--and stay away. Not every life-changing injury or death was on purpose. When people lose self control, the life of anyone around them can change or end in the blink of a moment. Someone doesn't have to 'mean it' in order for danger to exist. I'm glad you are safe. This gives you the time and room to learn, to reflect and to heal.

A person doesn't need to be a villain in order to be a bad match for you. You've kept yourself on hold, stunting your own college experience, just for the false 'security' of having a boyfriend. But partnering with someone who's ambition and judgment are lacking doesn't exactly feel secure or inspiring, does it? You're learning the lonely and frustrating reality of parenting someone else's son. It's unfulfilling and depressing if you consider wasting the best years of your future on this path. Your mother is superimposing an old fashioned timeline for coupling and marriage over the realities of today, and you already know that taking her advice would make you miserable. I'd break up with the guy quickly to liberate him from his unmotivated plans for grad school. This would also free you to throw yourself into studies and parties prior to graduation, and hopefully you can learn how to have some fun before the semester ends. Avoid rolling straight into another relationship. Most people, no matter how wonderful they may be as human beings, are NOT the right partner for you. Grow comfortable solo, and this will teach you the confidence to screen out bad matches without trying to convert them into a relationship first. You will thank yourself when you strike simpatico with the right man for you. Head high, and feel free to write more if it helps.

I hope you'll reconsider feeling stung over a simple mistake. One person misstated that Kim was not willing to talk to the guy. That was never the case, but a few posters took that ball and ran with it, and the whole discussion ran off course. It happens, nobody's fault.

I'd decide that I'm worth far more than breadcrumbs. I'd just block him and shut him down on SM. Life is too short to waste yourself on hovering around for scraps from someone who doesn't love you. Skip that!

Sounds like the texts reach him when he's busy, but with phone calls he can position himself to be alone. Not everyone likes conversations over texts. Are you sure he's single? He might be with a date or partner when your texts come in.

Sounds like she may have started out interested and even invited the idea of meeting. But since it never happened, she became interested in someone she’s met in person. So now she’s not ready because she’s still learning where things are going with that guy. I’d let her know that you want to meet up next week. If she still isn’t ready, I’d tell her that she’s welcome to let you know if she’d ever like to meet, and if you’re still available then, maybe you can catch up together. Meanwhile, you’re stepping away while you both still think highly of one another, and you wish her all the best.

Why consider this guy to be the only man in the world and the only choice you have? With millions of men in the world, why waste yourself on a turd?

Nobody here can say what you 'should' do. I can suggest, however, a focus on the future you envision for yourself. Does it include being bound to a partner who can't share his resources with you because he's too indebted to paying child support. He also can't share his free time with you, because he's trying to catch up with each of his children. If you want this, then here you are. If not, consider why your relationship with this guy was already problematic, and that might help you to walk away.

Oh, dear, this is funny. It's a country so small, there might be someone who will recognize you... "Hay, that's Kim from down the street! I always thought she was a bit too friendly...." 🙂

Yes, it certainly does. I can also appreciate the scale of ups and downs you're going through with this thread, and I admire your strength for staying open to the comments. I also think you will recognize during a time less charged that Bolt is being tenacious because she cares, and she's drawing on her personal experience to help rather than judge. @boltnrun, I didn't catch the post you wrote about below. Would you mind providing the topic title? Thanks, Cat

Sure, if he scurries, he may just be in a hurry that day. Doesn’t mean he’s not open another time. I’m curious about this closed culture—what country is this? Every European or Scandinavian traveler I’ve known or read speaks of the generosity of the people, so I’m stumped to know whether it’s your culture that is cold, or whether that’s your personal perception through your lens of shyness? I live in a large complex with hundreds of units, and I’ve never met a neighbor who wasn’t happy, at some point, to share greetings and chats about their experiences, past or present, with work, pets, kids, travel, commutes, shopping, weather, moving, jobs or life in general. These topics are pretty universal, so I’m sure you’ll have no trouble drawing out some conversation with the new guy. Yay!