catfeeder

Sure, if he scurries, he may just be in a hurry that day. Doesn’t mean he’s not open another time. I’m curious about this closed culture—what country is this? Every European or Scandinavian traveler I’ve known or read speaks of the generosity of the people, so I’m stumped to know whether it’s your culture that is cold, or whether that’s your personal perception through your lens of shyness? I live in a large complex with hundreds of units, and I’ve never met a neighbor who wasn’t happy, at some point, to share greetings and chats about their experiences, past or present, with work, pets, kids, travel, commutes, shopping, weather, moving, jobs or life in general. These topics are pretty universal, so I’m sure you’ll have no trouble drawing out some conversation with the new guy. Yay!

You’ve catalogued past disapprovals of your Mom, and you still don’t get that most of them wouldn’t have occurred had you not been all up in her face with your business. People tend to find fault with one who suffocates them. She’s equally at fault for the enmeshment, yet you allow her too much access to you because it’s easier than launching yourself out into the world to find fulfilling interests and friends and a lover on your own. You’re doing the same thing with your second job. You’ve lived years without one, but now that you can hold it up as your excuse not to broaden your social life, you cling to it and complain about it, exactly as you do with your family. Yet you want us to believe that it’s everyone else who victimizes you, even while you hold the keys to your own liberation. You just won’t take the steps to climb out of the hole you’ve dug for yourself by expanding your own life. And if Mom’s approval is what you’re after, then acting like a jealous infant is not exactly pleasing her, is it? Use this as a wake up call to decathect from your mother and minimize the importance of what she serves at her own table. Go out and teach young people how to cook or garden, go tend to animals in a shelter, go work in a soup kitchen, go do something useful and beneficial to feel proud instead of holing up in the habit of making yourself feel like a worm.

This would render the thing over for me. There's nowhere for it to go but worse.

Talk about extremes, you go from a guy too far to one who's too close. Don't sleep where you live!! (kidding...) I think now that you're aware of him, you'll recognize him whenever your paths cross in surrounding areas. You'll likely sense at any given time whether he seems open to quick chat or is more hurried. You'll build some familiarity over time, and I have faith in you for good judgment. EnjOy!

I love your story, FNO, and thank you for writing it here. Congrats on your baby. It sounds like you are doing the kind of work that is not only foundational for you, but in doing so, you're accessing the deep places that will make you a phenomenal and empathetic parent. I so hope you will continue commenting here. You have a gift.

If you can take a step back with some compassion, you might appreciate that your Mom wants to keep this woman close to avoid what she would view as 'losing' her son to her. She views this woman as a potential threat. You know, "...keep your friends close, and your enemies closer..." I would just regard this as a preview of the wonderful treatment your future fiancé will receive. Meanwhile, just calling you out for the martyr routine. You haven't 'given up' so much of your life for your family, you simply aren't interested enough in developing a happy social life beyond them--to the degree that your over-investment in them is unhealthy and stunting. But it's been your choice. You've said you love to cook. So? Make yourself and your Dad some 'real food' and bring it to family dinners as a generous contribution. Let Mom do what makes her happy, you do what makes you happy, and stop whining about your sister-in-law-ish. Your jealousy is unbecoming, and is serves no other purpose than to make you petty and miserable.

It's a continuation of what you played out during your developmental years, including your earliest and preverbal ones. It's the dance you learned to do, and it's your imprint for 'love'. It's ingrained, and certain unconscious vibes will resonate with you as your opportunity to continue the dance and have it play out better this time. It's looking for the win and confusing that with healing.

I'm so relieved to hear of your wise choice, RR. While I do believe that some people can change to varying degrees, when clarifying what is on the line, and it's your life, your person, the visions you hold for your future, and possibly those visions of your future child or children, I'm happy to know that you view all of this as far, far too valuable to gamble. While I've done some grant writing work for domestic violence agencies, my main area of focus was a drug and alcohol counselor training agency. I worked with many counselors who were, themselves, in recovery. One impressed me by commenting that she didn't view any biases about her past as societal punishment, but rather, she viewed her past behavior as having natural and lasting consequences. Regardless of the good works or reparations or length of time in recovery that any good person may perform or serve today, none of this erases the building blocks of one's past as though they were inconsequential. Some of those consequences are that they will clearly not make a good romantic partner for certain people. This can be for any number of reasons, but others do NOT bear a responsibility to pretend that this is not true. Head high, and I'm sorry the dating has been frustrating lately. A rest may do you wonders, and ya never know who you might meet. 🙂

Consider contacting the human services department of your local hospital, and ask for a referral to a case worker and any available experts or groups that offer counseling for domestic violence prevention. Between your need to leave your family and your premature move in with your BF, you may be an eligible candidate for help and resources that may help you to move to a safe place. My heart goes out to you, and please write more if it helps.

I wouldn't see him again. I've got plenty of friends, and I have no trouble making more friends with people who aren't trying to sleep with me.

I would make this less about him, less about 'proof,' and more about ME and how I want to live. I could not envision a future of carrying around a hard pit in my stomach because I already know that I can't bring myself to trust someone who has shown me his capacity for disloyalty. You do you, but I wouldn't stay in this thing for another minute.

Given that your paths must cross for work, I think you're making the right choice to nix the topic and stick to business. If she wants to raise the subject, she can do so. I went through a period of high stress and unforeseeable demands in my work life, and I needed to put a halt to dating during that time. She may have been legitimately interested in you, but after the second cancellation she may feel embarrassed and regard attempting to reschedule as futile. Not just because she credits you with self respect, but also because she's learned that her current work climate has made it impossible for her to promise that it wouldn't happen again. I don't raise this to excuse her, but rather to hopefully help you to feel less hurt. This stuff does happen, regardless of whether it 'should'.

Terrific! Thank you for the update and the great news.

I would leave the guy alone. Otherwise, are you ready and willing to explain to him that you told your family he raped you, and also notify your family that you are back to seeing this man? Unless you clarify your behavior honestly for the man and your family, you will cause a clash between them, and that would be on you. You'd be smart to leave this alone.

Healing isn't something that happens 'to' us, it requires our participation. It takes as long as it takes. I'm not a believer in trying to kill all hope of reconciliation then attempting to bounce back from that and be happy about it. I don't think that's possible. Instead, place any such hopes on a back burner--still accessible, but out of your way. Trust that if ex ever has a change of heart, he will have no problem catching up with you no matter how far ahead you move your focus into your own social life, career development, and exploration of new interests and friendships and, when you are ready, dating. You don't need to squelch all grieving moments, but limit those to shorter and fewer as you push yourself out to make commitments you will not break with family and friends who you may have neglected. Make this time about 'them-not-me' to avoid sulking about your ex. That's not helpful, it just makes everyone around you feel lousy. Instead, practice supporting loved one's lives, their interests, their projects. You won't feel 'up' for putting on a show of energy, but this will calm you down and make you a better listener. This can transform prior relationships and grow more depth into them. Help loved ones with yard work, with their garage sales, with painting or errands. Help them prep meals or treat them to one. The company of people who ground you will help you 'normalize' into a better state. You'll feel valued and grateful, which will build your confidence and expand your reach beyond grieving. Head high, and write more if it helps.

You broke up with him for good reason. How has that changed?

You did great! And no need to feel shy with him if your paths cross in the future. He could be tied to someone at the moment, but you never know how that will play out. Meanwhile, see how well you can parlay your newfound courage into exploring other ways to meet men. Screen them through conversation to learn whether they are single, and then suggest grabbing a quick coffee to learn more about one another. As for strangers on the Internet who slam you, I would just take that as misguided folks trying to impose their own limitations on another. No need to internalize any of that. Head HIGH!

Your partner's behavior is likely to escalate rather than get better. He's not rational, and he's a danger to you and your children. You may not see this clearly now, but if you remove yourself from this situation, you will be able to see it more clearly for the threat that it actually is. Please contact an online domestic violence prevention hotline or the human services department of your local hospital for counseling services and other forms of help. You can start here: https://www.thehotline.org

I'm confused. Was her ex found on her page or the page of her new guy?

^ Me too, I agree. Wouldn't it be a comfort to have a counselor, social worker or therapist listen to the pressures you feel and give you some feedback and tools to help you cope? Professionals are trained to do this, and they understand your grieving process in addition to the difficulties involved in long range healing. My heart goes out to you.

Women have flooded colleges in the past decade, and this has resulted in a dating market saturated with an overabundance of successful women. These women tend to seek their equals in terms of education and career aspirations. So they're all in competition for the same men, and these men have discovered that they don't need to try so hard anymore. They can just send rounds of texts like, "You up?"

That's what she did after he told her this stuff on their first date. She backed off, he contacted her to ask why, and she told him what she's looking for in a partner. OP, I would not stay in contact with the guy. Dating is not about becoming someone's social worker.

We are strangers on the Internet. We have no idea whether you're a good person or not. We can only suggest that a healthy person would not stick around to put up with the mistreatment you described, much less be interested in pursuing more contact with such a person for ANY reason. Since you are clearly interested in psychology, why not hire a professional to help you learn more about your motivations and how to work through those?

You miss her tricks enough to trick yourself under the guise of 'helping' her? This is someone who tried to con you out of a credit card. Why go back for more?

That's a lot of work and dedication, you must be so proud! Congrats, Captain!