catfeeder

Batya is better at this than me. I chickened out while still on the phone. I'd already agreed to meet him before he broke out into cray-cray, so I closed the convo as though everything was fine. Then I messaged him through the app. I didn't expect him to call me back! I froze, and I don't think I answered. I think he went off on my voicemail. I was pretty shook up and was glad that I never told him where I live.

Yep, at least it's how she is with people who are close to her. She might be kind to neighbors or in front of others, but her default demeanor, once she takes a person for granted, is mistreatment. I like to think of this as a 'Groucho Marx' problem, where "I wouldn't want to be part of any club that would have me." She thinks so little of herself that once you demonstrate that you think highly of her, she thinks you must be stupid because she's fooled you into liking her. From there, she believes she has license to walk all over you, AND, since you put up with it, you've confirmed that for her. It's a no-win, basically. THAT is the most important question to ask, and growing attached to her puppy is your excuse to sabotage your own exit. You're holding that up as your barrier to escape, but it's not a valid reason for putting up with an abusive person's mistreatment. Life is too short to tank your own happiness because you don't believe that you can find someone better. It's a vicious cycle--you allow someone to treat you like a worm, then you start feeling like a worm, so you believe that nobody else on the planet could possible love a worm. I hope you'll consider counseling to dig yourself out of that hole you keep drilling into by staying with this woman. She's horrible, and hopefully you can accept that you DO deserve better.

I've had instances where I could tell over the phone that I didn't want to meet the guy. One that stands out was when he was thrilled to pronounce that he couldn't wait to introduce me to his mother. He launched into all kinds of future talk about the foods we could eat and the trips we could all take together. I was too shocked to shut him down over the phone, but I messaged him afterward and said that I don't think we're a romantic match. He flipped. He called me right away and took a toddler temper tantrum complete with calling me names... So there's something to be said for at least a quick phone screening. You never know what kind of looney-tune might show up for coffee, and it's best to spare myself from such encounters.

Hmmm. This makes me curious. What kinds of questions would you feel more comfortable asking over the phone rather in person on a date? Oh, well, sure. Had she been a dame, she might have had a chance... 🙂

Yes, and a joint property buy is a huge leap into a pressure cooker. If you've spent 7 years living apart with no progression toward sharing any kind of living space together, why not try cohabitating in an apartment, or one of you buys their own property while the other rents from them? Sharing a mortgage without first having learned whether you are compatible while living together is a huge financial and emotional risk.

This ^^^ is the key question I'd ask of myself--not a bunch of strangers who cannot speak to your specific experience and goals. This is about YOUR life and the future you envision for yourself. I'd get clear about exactly what I want from a partner after nearly 7 years, and then speak with him to learn where he stands right NOW. If his immediate goals don't align with yours, decide whether you want to stay or go. If you choose to stay, then here you are. If you choose to go, then the next question becomes "When?"

No need to build a case to defend against your privacy being invaded when someone is pushing too hard. You can simply say "No, that doesn't work for me." If someone tries to work you past what makes you happy and comfortable, that should indicate to you that you're being manipulated--and what should that tell you?

Not very likely without treatment and the effort to work it. Depressed people are typically (and often admittedly) not relationship material. Your partner has not pursued diagnosis and treatment, and to be frank, you're seeking hope for a dice roll. Your partner would need to willingly act on his own behalf to pursue treatment and work it, and nobody here can predict whether he'll ever do that, or the outcome if he did. But his belief that this condition will lift once he receives the right income isn't realistic. He could have taken on a second job within this year if dollars were the real thing, but frankly, depressed people rarely have the energy to work beyond survival. So he's promising a fantasy, even while he's missing every appointment he's scheduled to seek help. Your key phrase above is "so long". People can experience a situational (or temporary) depression, such as grief over a death or a job or a pet--whatever the cause. That emotional grief can be severe and debilitating, and this can alter a person's brain and hormonal chemistry during this time. Some people seek treatment to rebalance their chemistry as they heal emotionally, some others are able to self-treat through exercise, diet, social support or other tools. Yet there are those who don't seek treatment, or who are chemically resistant to treatment, or who may have already had a predisposition to chronic depression that was not known prior to it being enlivened by a situation, or even by a spontaneous onset of depressive symptoms without a known cause. A real problem comes with the length of time one's chemistry is imbalanced. Chronic depression can be a condition that is genetic, but it can also come from a situational depression that does not lift and remains untreated. In other words, depression isn't all about emotions. Yes, emotions can impact depression or they can be caused by depression, but emotions are only one facet of a much larger dis-ease. My heart goes out to you.

Hah! Nope. It was at the top of my feed, and I missed that. I have no idea how it got bumped there…

Well, that's kinda like saying it would kill you if someone became a diabetic when you were together. Also, consider that not everyone who abuses alcohol is an alcoholic, just as not everyone who is obese has an inherent obesity disease. We can't diagnose the genetics, biology or predisposition of others. That's outside our scope, and so is any blame for their behavior. Of course there is justice. Z will always need to be Z. That is a self-imposed sentence. She is her own enemy, and she leaves plenty of enemies in her wake. I understand that stirring up stuff about her is painful, but the rearview perceptions of her that you gained will return again. Try to remind yourself of those when you hurt too much. Let yourself get centered with them before you delve back in, because the more objective perspective will guide you to do your best editing.

Yep! The 'good' patient. You know all the right answers people want to hear, and this includes your therapist. The problem is, it's not authentic. And this wastes your money, and it wastes your time. You get the immediate reward of being regarded as a bright and well adjusted human being, but then you realize that all you've just accomplished was dodging the discomfort of identifying shame. Sounds like you're verging on busting out of a suspended state. You've been ashamed of something, maybe from the 7 or 8 years ago or earlier, and you opted to straighten up and fly right. So you've been going through the right motions and staying out of touch with whatever may have shamed you enough to stuff it and snap yourself into shape. It might be a good idea to consider your post above to be a goldmine to review with a new therapist, along with a confession that you've slid right by your prior therapist(s) and need someone who will hold you accountable to discussing your innermost uglies. You'll need to commit to making a mess and feeling pretty lousy about that for a while as you learn how to best clean it up and feel pride in that. You've skipped steps. You've tidied up to present well, but you know where your dirt is hidden, and you may be ready to address it. The key word above is 'new' therapist, because you were able to bamboozle any prior ones, and so you're not likely to trust their judgment--or your own when you are with them. I know this, because I've done it, too. Head high, and write more if it helps.

So there's no need to treat him like the only one you'll ever have. If he doesn't have enough regard for you to stay with you even when you respect your own limits, then he's not worth trashing your own boundaries over, correct? Head high.

This is what Z needed to tell herself to obfuscate the reality that your choices were just better than hers. And they continued be long after she spent her time getting drunk or gaming instead of investing in herself. She may have started out your relationship as inspired by you, but when she recognized that she didn't have the same talent for hustle, she just started drinking more and making you out to be 'the bad guy'. That's her problem, not yours. Since you're editing now with less sentimentality toward Z, maybe you can tweak more things like this to be less blatantly personal to her if you were reading it through her eyes. For instance, does the coal miner figure prominently in the story, or could he be a mill worker, or a car factory inspector, or could he be a mechanic? While there are some things that may need to follow true to her story, the more details you can change, the less likely you will be to suffer anxiety once editing is no longer an option. That's the thing about committing something to publication--the thing leaves your control. Well, do you want to set yourself up to obsess about this once you can't do anything about it? I get that it 'shouldn't' matter what Z thinks of your writing, and while I agree with that in theory, in reality, you're the one with the OCD. So do you want to set yourself up to spin out after publication and start fearing running into her or people who know her? How badly could that impact your life, and for how long? I'm asking because I don't know the answers, not because I claim to know you any better than you know you. But you have the opportunity to pave an easier after-launch life for yourself, and you have the power in this moment to consider any potential consequences for yourself and steer those wisely.

I think it's the 'desperate' in your title and speaking of being in love with him already. That kind of intensity isn't the kind of vibe you're likely able to hide from the guy. He might view that as giving him the kind of leverage to have scheduled the last two dates at his home, where he could learn whether he could translate that into casual sex. I'd follow Andrina's advice and back off of contacting him. If he reaches out to schedule a date, don't accept if its at his home. Learn whether he'd be willing to go out, instead. If he just sends banter text or doesn't invite you out beyond his home, I'd consider him not very invested in getting to know you as a human being. That wouldn't be okay with me, but you'll get to decide if it's good enough for you. Head high.

It doesn't sound like lack of interest. There are those of us on the planet who don't treat texts with the urgency of an emergency--there are phone calls for that. Sometimes messages come in at times when we are are focused on something else, driving, eating, sleeping, charging the phone in another room, or just not in the right headspace to read and respond. In fact, if he's as attracted to you as he says, he may need to get into the right frame of mind to approach the message. I just think that putting too much weight on message response times can produce too much anxiety--and for no other reason than two people viewing messaging through a different lens.

I took your side. You either missed my post, or maybe you're only interested in arguing.

I agree. It makes no sense to pummel someone here for asking a question. It's supposed to be what we're here for.

Why so accusatory, Wise? Having a bad day? It's perfectly valid to feel stung by someone's tone, and in this case the nasty words align with it. I'd find an appropriate time to ask her what's been making her so unhappy lately. If she snaps at you for the question, you can tell her that she's proving your point, and to let you know when she's willing for the two of you to speak with one another through mutual respect with a goal of solving a problem together. If she decides that she's not willing to do that, then what, exactly, do you have left to build on? it makes no sense to remain involved with someone who's sole interest in you is to demonstrate contempt. If she's not willing to partner with you to be on the same side, I'd pull the plug on this.

As I suggested on your other thread, you can offer her one last invitation to meet soon, and if she says she's not ready, you can tell her that you respect that, but you're interested in spending your time with someone who wants to meet in person. If she ever decides that she would like to do that, she can reach out to let you know. If you're still available then, you can meet to catch up. Meanwhile, you wish her the best. This explains why you're walking away even while leaving your door open to the possibility that she may change her mind in the future. Going forward, I would not continue messaging anyone who isn't willing to meet in person. It's fantasy-building, and it's for people who only want to live in their own head--or for people who are invested in someone else and are being disloyal to that person by messing around online.

Good, she's not being defensive. Since you can talk openly together, why not tell her about hearing the guy next door and how this makes you feel. Maybe this will inspire her to want to tap into her younger self, too?

How long have you been with your partner? Since HS tells us nothing because we don’t know your age. When you discuss this with your partner, how does she respond?

I think you’re right. You might want to try dialing back some of that charm so you won’t keep overwhelming all the women. Being too great might be too intimidating. You might consider pursuing some women friends who can get to know you and coach you and help you understand women better. This could be one advantage some of these other guys have over you—helpful sisters or women friends. Good luck!

But wouldn’t that be ideal? You can love someone as a human being without feeling pressured to remain his partner. Some people are best loved from far away.

I hear. We've been taught from the time we were children to beware of 'stranger danger' without also being taught the skills and awareness to identify and handle potential risks inside our own social circles and even within our own homes. So lots of people grow to believe that violence must be 'random' in order to be real violence. It's also a mind twist because abusive people can be perfectly good people beyond that aspect of personality. They may be charming when they face the world, they may be loving and wonderful at the start of a relationship or even throughout most of a relationship. When the first explosion happens, it's a shock, and it's not believable. It may have seemed small enough to sweep under the rug. But the behaviors escalate if we don't recognize the immediate need to get away--and stay away. Not every life-changing injury or death was on purpose. When people lose self control, the life of anyone around them can change or end in the blink of a moment. Someone doesn't have to 'mean it' in order for danger to exist. I'm glad you are safe. This gives you the time and room to learn, to reflect and to heal.

A person doesn't need to be a villain in order to be a bad match for you. You've kept yourself on hold, stunting your own college experience, just for the false 'security' of having a boyfriend. But partnering with someone who's ambition and judgment are lacking doesn't exactly feel secure or inspiring, does it? You're learning the lonely and frustrating reality of parenting someone else's son. It's unfulfilling and depressing if you consider wasting the best years of your future on this path. Your mother is superimposing an old fashioned timeline for coupling and marriage over the realities of today, and you already know that taking her advice would make you miserable. I'd break up with the guy quickly to liberate him from his unmotivated plans for grad school. This would also free you to throw yourself into studies and parties prior to graduation, and hopefully you can learn how to have some fun before the semester ends. Avoid rolling straight into another relationship. Most people, no matter how wonderful they may be as human beings, are NOT the right partner for you. Grow comfortable solo, and this will teach you the confidence to screen out bad matches without trying to convert them into a relationship first. You will thank yourself when you strike simpatico with the right man for you. Head high, and feel free to write more if it helps.