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  1. Thanks for your replies everyone it's been really helpful to read through(and hear other people's stories who have been in similar situations) . I've just been going down a rabbit hole reading and arming myself up with information and it feels like I was experiencing reactive abuse or even mutual abuse as we could both shout back and forth at one another during the first stages of the arguing. It's not like videos I've seen where the woman in question comes home and the husband just randomly starts beating her, the violence aspect from him always always escalated from arguing so its made me doubt myself and think I've caused it as I wasn't scared to argue back with him(until he would use physical aggression) . Thinking back he made me feel bad for things also, I wasn't allowed to talk about my work or things going on in my life and he could not cope with the children at all. I feel bittersweet, happy he's gone, but deeply troubled in myself. T
  2. Thanks everyone for your replies. When I look at the bigger picture it does seem I'd escalate it to a point he would get aggressive/violent. For example.. he would say... start calling me a lazy b**** as the house wasn't clean enough ect ect or fly into a rage because he disagreed with me over something.. he'd rant and go off on one calling me thick, stupid, ugly(whatever nasty things he could think of) I'd then get shaken and instead of leaving it I'd tell him to f*** off ect , then because I'd verbally said something to him it would end up him pushing me over or kicking, slapping. If I would of just left it it wouldn't of got to the point of him using actual violence but he's completely changed me as a person and I need to work on myself and my own reactions to outbursts.
  3. I've separated from my husband for the second time in 3 years(and the last!) . 2 boys 13 and 11. I'm going through a finding myself/healing myself cycle at the minute with books, podcasts and although I initially thought he was abusive I don't know if I may of contributed to it(or reacted) . Husband has been verbally abusive to me for a long time, ground me down and called me the most horrific of names I don't even want to repeat on here.. But it always stems from us having a disagreement, he doesn't just randomly turn and start calling me names. Over the years I think I've become immune to it and instead of crying I just don't care anymore its like I've lost myself and all my emotion. I've had a few attack episodes but again only during disagreements - he's pushed me over in a rage ect. But as I say its always in arguments and however the argument started and he got verbally nasty I'd call him a d..h..back and then he'd hit a rage. Towards the end as I'd lost emotion and didn't care, I no longer cried and I'd go into fight or flight and react and call him something back(this is not me or who I am but I didn't care anymore) but that would escalate the problem and he'd react by pushing me over or verbally. It's ended now he lost his temper in yet another row and I managed to get him out. But looking back now was he triggered by the arguments and was it my fault for reacting in the way I did? If I hadn't of reacted it wouldn't of escalated? His parents say "that isn't him" and its because of me. Life at home was hard with a very high functioning autisic child and a stroppy pre teen so that was generally what the rows revolved around or me not doing enough around the house ect. Trying to build up a knowledge of information but struggling to get past the trauma bonding and guilt right now.
  4. OK here goes, need some advice but don't know if I'm going mad or what I even need advice about! I've been with partner for 13 years and we have a 12 year old son and 10 year old son with ASD. Back story - Partner has been quite verbally abusive to me over the years and we split up for a while 2 years ago, stupidly we got back together and things were generally better. My ASD son is having complete meltdowns at the moment and we're really struggling with him. Partner doesn't help, sits away from us all the time upstairs which in turn causes my son to be more angry at him because he's "never there" , my son is destroying things in the house and just completely making things horrible at home, he keeps spitting and hitting ect. I'm having to deal with all this on my own and try and control the situation without losing my own temper. When son lashes out Partner will have a go at me, blames me for the way son is call me names says its all my fault and even threatened to punch me if I didn't get son to stop - never has hit me but has got in my face a few times threatening to ect. But the thing is an hour or so later Partner will act normal asking if I'm ok acting like nothing has been said and it's as if I'm the one who has the problem, he then tries speaking to son and son will tell him to go away, it's catch 22 because he doesn't spend time with us. He literally comes in from work, goes upstairs, comes down for 1 minute to get his dinner then back upstairs until we're all in bed. Every day. Just generally don't know what to do anymore - I don't know if I'm going mad, I am definitely depressed very much so. By the way ASD son can be the most loving little boy 90 percent of the time its usually when something happens which he has no control over(serving a dinner he doesn't like anymore, not going to the park because its raining ect) I do have my parents so I'm not completely alone but feel like I'm on my own in this house.
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