Was this even abuse?

[Scarlet23]

I've separated from my husband for the second time in 3 years(and the last!) .

2 boys 13 and 11.

I'm going through a finding myself/healing myself cycle at the minute with books, podcasts and although I initially thought he was abusive I don't know if I may of contributed to it(or reacted) .

Husband has been verbally abusive to me for a long time, ground me down and called me the most horrific of names I don't even want to repeat on here.. But it always stems from us having a disagreement, he doesn't just randomly turn and start calling me names.

Over the years I think I've become immune to it and instead of crying I just don't care anymore its like I've lost myself and all my emotion.

I've had a few attack episodes but again only during disagreements - he's pushed me over in a rage ect.

But as I say its always in arguments and however the argument started and he got verbally nasty I'd call him a d..h..back and then he'd hit a rage.

Towards the end as I'd lost emotion and didn't care, I no longer cried and I'd go into fight or flight and react and call him something back(this is not me or who I am but I didn't care anymore) but that would escalate the problem and he'd react by pushing me over or verbally.

It's ended now he lost his temper in yet another row and I managed to get him out.

But looking back now was he triggered by the arguments and was it my fault for reacting in the way I did? If I hadn't of reacted it wouldn't of escalated?

His parents say "that isn't him" and its because of me.

Life at home was hard with a very high functioning autisic child and a stroppy pre teen so that was generally what the rows revolved around or me not doing enough around the house ect.

Trying to build up a knowledge of information but struggling to get past the trauma bonding and guilt right now.

 

[Seraphim]

He definitely 1000% abusive , please please please stay gone. Not only is this hurting you and it is hurting your children and teaching them how NOT to be a man. 

[TeeDee]

It was not healthy.   You acknowledge that he ground you down.   There are ways to handle stress & upset.  Flying into a rage & calling your partner all manner of names is not a healthy mature way to manage problems.   It's best that you separated from him. 

His parents are wrong.  The screaming enraged man is Exactly who there son is.  He proved it time & time again.  You lived with him.  They didn't.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Scarlet23 said:

Its ended now he lost his temper in yet another row and I managed to get him out.iHs parents say "that isn't him" and its because of me.

Sorry this happened. You did the right thing getting him out and away from yourself and your children. Please don't talk to his people. Enlist the support of trusted friends and family. Please contact domestic violence agencies for information support advice and help.

 

[Lambert]

His parents are gaslighting you.  

I have been in your shoes- dealing with a bad temper, over the top rage and all that abuse.  I whole heartedly take responsibility for allowing this to happen, for not dumping him the very first time and all the times after that I put up with it. 

And yes, some people did not see it. Did not understand it. They looked for a reason and blame that was anything but what it was...

I was with a person that has no other way to deal with negative emotions than to express anger and rage, blame others, act like a child to get their way

 My advice is, you have to put all your energy into getting away from this person.  Be strong for yourself! you have to choose you.  

Of course you reacted badly back to him.  But that's all water under the bridge. You can heal from this but you can't heal with him or for him.  You have to choose you. 

[tattoobunnie]

4 hours ago, Scarlet23 said:

His parents say "that isn't him" and its because of me.

Sorry his folks are enabling POSs.

[Coily]

Mutually abusive. Both of you seemed to continually escalate disagreements, and neither of you is justified to behave this way.

Right now you need to follow through with the separation and eventual divorce. Find some healthy ways to co-parent as that seems to be the flashpoint in this waining relationship, and look into some professional counseling.

[Scarlet23]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

When I look at the bigger picture it does seem I'd escalate it to a point he would get aggressive/violent.

For example.. he would say... start calling me a lazy b**** as the house wasn't clean enough ect ect or fly into a rage because he disagreed with me over something.. he'd rant and go off on one calling me thick, stupid, ugly(whatever nasty things he could think of) I'd then get shaken and instead of leaving it I'd tell him to f*** off ect , then because I'd verbally said something to him it would end up him pushing me over or kicking, slapping.

If I would of just left it it wouldn't of got to the point of him using actual violence but he's completely changed me as a person and I need to work on myself and my own reactions to outbursts.

[boltnrun]

No, you did not "cause" the abuse or "make" him abuse you.

Abusers abuse because they like it. Period. 

I'm glad you got him out. If you haven't already, please arrange for counseling for you and for your children.

[Seraphim]

You don’t “ cause “ someone to kick and slap you . 

[TeeDee]

1 hour ago, Scarlet23 said:

If I would of just left it it wouldn't of got to the point of him using actual violence but he's completely changed me as a person and I need to work on myself and my own reactions to outbursts.

If you want to work on yourself fine but don't for one second that you caused him to become violent that was his choice.  he would always find a reason to physically hurt you.   Get out before it gets worse.  

 

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @Lambert.  Yes,  he was gaslighting you.  Gaslighting is deliberately throwing you off track so you begin to question and doubt your perception of the facts.  It's typical psychological warfare.  Unfortunately and fortunately,  I'm very experienced with regards to being on the receiving end of gaslighting for the greater part of my life.  Once you're onto a gaslighter,  you're no longer easily fooled. 

Don't be brainwashed by his family that it's you.  Don't second guess yourself either.  Make logical sense and then it's all very clear to you.  Never muddle your thoughts by outside influences nor doubt your reality.  That's a step in the right direction.

I'm glad you're separated.  It's better to have peaceful boundaries instead of fighting any day.

[Lambert]

5 hours ago, Scarlet23 said:

 

If I would of just left it it wouldn't of got to the point of him using actual violence but he's completely changed me as a person and I need to work on myself and my own reactions to outbursts.

Aww. no. 

There was nothing you could have done "right" with this guy. 

I was like you.  I'd keep walking on egg shells or quiet myself to keep the peace... no. that's not love. that's not life.  It's not enough to just survive, to keep the peace.  You deserve to thrive,  love and celebrate through life. 

Reject the idea that getting away from this dud is a loss. It's a win! YOU WIN

In my case, there were good times,  at times but as time went on, the good times were few and far between.  That's what I remember.  How glad I am to be free.  

Hang in there, girlfriend. You can get through this, save yourself and come out the other side- BETTER! STRONGER! HAPPIER!

I feel this so strongly, I wish i could like my own post lol

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Scarlet23 said:

 it would end up him pushing me over or kicking, slapping.

Please don't accept this blame the victim nonsense. You may have been fighting but his choice was to get physically abusive. It's good you kicked him out. Think about a restraining order. 

[DarkCh0c0]

OP, a healthy person would not call you names if they are upset about something. They would not have a go at you or use you as a punching bag to communicate with you. They just would not. They would instead communicate in a healthy way and encourage you to speak your truth. They would say something like: "Sweetheart, the kitchen looks a bit unkept today. I'll pick that up/ Do you need help with that?/ect."

On another note, ofc his parents are defending him. They probably don't want to deal with him, so they're gaslighting you, lying to you, and telling you falsely that "he's not that bad". They probably don't even like to admit to themselves that they have an abusive son. But trust me, he is abusive to them too behind closed doors.

You need to congratulate yourself for breaking up with him for good. You broke that vicious cycle. Now use every strength you have to not communicate with him and not look back. Time and distance will heal. Keep it up with the book readings!

[Scarlet23]

Thanks for your replies everyone it's been really helpful to read through(and hear other people's stories who have been in similar situations) .

I've just been going down a rabbit hole reading and arming myself up with information and it feels like I was experiencing reactive abuse or even mutual abuse as we could both shout back and forth at one another during the first stages of the arguing.

It's not like videos I've seen where the woman in question comes home and the husband just randomly starts beating her, the violence aspect from him always always escalated from arguing so its made me doubt myself and think I've caused it as I wasn't scared to argue back with him(until he would use physical aggression) .

Thinking back he made me feel bad for things also, I wasn't allowed to talk about my work or things going on in my life and he could not cope with the children at all.

I feel bittersweet, happy he's gone, but deeply troubled in myself.

 

T

[Coily]

This is where a professional will help you navigate handling your problems. Ending things was the right choice; look at it a new beginning, where you improve yourself and the lives of your children.

Best of luck.

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, Scarlet23 said:

...It's not like videos I've seen where the woman in question comes home and the husband just randomly starts beating her...

I hear. We've been taught from the time we were children to beware of 'stranger danger' without also being taught the skills and awareness to identify and handle potential risks inside our own social circles and even within our own homes. So lots of people grow to believe that violence must be 'random' in order to be real violence. 

It's also a mind twist because abusive people can be perfectly good people beyond that aspect of personality. They may be charming when they face the world, they may be loving and wonderful at the start of a relationship or even throughout most of a relationship. When the first explosion happens, it's a shock, and it's not believable. It may have seemed small enough to sweep under the rug. But the behaviors escalate if we don't recognize the immediate need to get away--and stay away.

Not every life-changing injury or death was on purpose. When people lose self control, the life of anyone around them can change or end in the blink of a moment.

Someone doesn't have to 'mean it' in order for danger to exist.

I'm glad you are safe. This gives you the time and room to learn, to reflect and to heal. 

[MissCanuck]

On 3/29/2024 at 10:41 AM, Scarlet23 said:

It's not like videos I've seen where the woman in question comes home and the husband just randomly starts beating her

This is rarely how abuse happens. Where are you seeing these videos?