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Everything posted by Cherylyn

  1. I couldn't agree more. I've had major, major, heavy duty distrust issues with several people in my life. It's not lightweight stuff either. If all I had were a few flakes, it would've been trivial to me. Unfortunately, it was far more permanently damaging and extremely serious. Consequences were devastatingly traumatic. 😡 I agree, talk is very cheap. Actions speak louder than words and during a weak moment, I've observed so many ugly, ugly characters. I stay faraway from people who've demonstrated to me who they really are. They're nice superficially yet their real person is unsavory to put it mildly. I've known people who are masters at gaslighting, distort what you say, play semantics, word games, head trips, you name it, I've seen and heard it all! They're in a club all their own. I stay away. I too have grown more pragmatic from harsh life's experiences with so many people. Nowadays, I feel protected in my safe bubble which I've created. No one can harm me anymore. I'll see to that! Like you, I'm no longer surprised nor shocked by bad behavior. As my mother had taught me, society's bad behavior is normal. I don't deal anymore. I simply live my own life without them in it. I agree some more. Most people are not ideal. It's easy to avoid people who are not my type. They're in their world and I am in mine. It works.
  2. I know plenty of people who are too nice to a point yet very tough and ultimately would never end up as doormats by any stretch. I agree, doormats allow themselves to be doormats. Character, honor, morals, virtues, respect and integrity is stellar character and what real love is. I was never swept off my feet. They were firmly planted on the ground from day one. I think it's because I've seen and heard everything and by the time I chose my husband and after comparing him to my late father, my husband was "thee one." No doubt about it whatsoever. I have my FIL (father-in-law) to thank for that because he taught my husband how to be A MAN. My wedding was very budget friendly. It wasn't elaborate and not nearly as expensive as weddings and receptions are today. I lived at home at the time so I saved my money for the wedding and reception and my husband paid for our tropical honeymoon. I spent a total of $2K for my wedding including wedding gown (w/veil), bridal party attire, wedding (florist / wedding cake / pastor / pianist / harpist) and reception. I supplied first toast champagne and it was a cash 'n carry bar. (My husband and I are teetotalers.) I fed everyone prime rib & sides, we hired a DJ and the reception was at a refurbished old Victorian mansion across from my husband's small hometown church. No flash there. My wedding day was humble yet elegant.
  3. I agree, LaHermes. I've found "exciting" to become quite boring quickly and eventually problematic because "exciting" is temporary and often times insincere. Boisterous, pretentious, charming, very extroverted, "life of the party" social butterflies or hyperactive, odd behaviors grows old and boring very fast. I choose even keel any day over "exciting." My house is humble and my husband is a great man of noble, very honorable character. Then there's my BIL (brother-in-law), my sister's husband. He and my sister reside in a mansion in a very affluent community. He is a package deal. He's a jerk, treats my sister and their kids with utmost disrespect, disrespects others during social settings and at his workplace. He is not admired nor well liked yet my sister is stuck with him because he provides the affluent lifestyle she would otherwise not be able to afford. Then there is my other BIL, husband's sister's husband. He too has a "mouth problem." Outwardly, he's seemingly normal but once you get to know him better, his foibles are too much and intolerable. He is some piece of work. Both BILs are embarrassing, humiliating and shameful. They are bad apples. So even though my life is of more modest means, who is the richer lady now? High quality character is everything because it's the only thing that lasts. Nothing else matters.
  4. I can't speak for everyone but I married because I wanted the exact OPPOSITE of my parents' hellacious marriage. I wanted a permanent, enduring marriage just like my MIL (mother-in-law) and FIL (father-in-law) and provide a very loving, normal, nurturing home life for our sons just like the stable home life my husband grew up in. We were on the same page and in it for the long haul. I've been blessed to have in-laws as my positive role models. The only reason why my marriage succeeded and prospered is due to my in-laws setting the bar very high. They were strong influences and fine examples of what a marriage should be ~ filled with love and respect. Marriage isn't for everyone. However, if the right person of stellar character is found, then marriage can be very rewarding indeed.
  5. I'm sorry for the loss of his mother and your mother, too. Cancer is insidious. Often times whenever a person's life is turned upside down and filled with tumult, they don't have any ounce of brain space to spare for other people. Don't take it personally even though most people take affronts personally which is universal. You did the right thing by being a good, honorable person to him which I commend you for. People do not always reciprocate your kindness. Often times, kindness is one way only and then you're cut off. It happens. I've been kind to several people, extremely generous with my wallet, time, labor, care and energy only for me to receive ingratitude, apathy and indifference in return. I've been snubbed and rebuffed. Like you, I've been burned before. What you've experienced is not uncommon. In the future, don't expect others to treat you with grace and courtesy because it doesn't always happen. If you lower your expectations of others, you'll hurt less. As for me, my heart isn't as generous as in the past. Sure, I'm nice but I no longer go above and beyond for others anymore. I've since dialed it back. I've built my own protective mechanism but that's just me. I'm very much wary and jaded due to past experiences gone awry. I admire you for your kind heart.
  6. I agree, LaHermes. Elderly people are walking history books and possess a wealth of wisdom. When my church ministry group visited nursing homes, we washed their hands, feet and freely gave the elderly manicures and pedicures. The wheelchair bound were so lonely and craved human interaction. We chatted for hours every week and every month for years. We will all reach old age one day. I agree. I just don't like anyone suddenly appearing up on my doorstep without any warning and expecting hospitality from me when I didn't receive any ounce of common courtesy whatsoever. People are very busy with their own lives. I chat publicly and I invite others into my home if we have an agreed upon plan or schedule since most people have jobs, tasks, chores, errands, households to maintain, sometimes we're not home, parents aren't home or there are family commitments.
  7. When I was a child, an elderly couple habitually walked long distances to my front porch unannounced, rang the doorbell and expected a drink of water and visit with us on our living room sofa. This happened whether my single parent mother was at work or not. At the time, I was my younger siblings' babysitter. I invited them into my house, gave them a cold beverage and we chatted in the living room while they wiped their brow on a hot day. I requested their advanced notice to no avail. After their several consecutive visits, I decided to deliberately NOT answer the doorbell anymore. They continued to walk a long way and repeatedly rang my doorbell. They sat on my front porch to rest and left. Eventually, they stopped walking a long way and ringing my doorbell. At first, I felt "guilty" for ignoring them and then it made sense to me that in this society, rudeness is intolerable and unacceptable. You can't just simply drop in on people like that. Excuse me? Have you heard of a "brand new" invention called a phone? 📞 I never saw this couple again and if my family and I ever did, I'm sure we would've chatted with them politely and briefly in public. There is nothing wrong with being kind because I fully support being kind. However, people also have to practice common sense decent manners as well. I admire those who don't mind impositions or if they don't consider it to be impositions. Some of us want boundaries with others and common courtesy.
  8. People will waft in and out of your entire lifetime. Some people endure and others either ghost you or fade away. That's life and reality. You don't have to like it but you have to accept it. I'm sorry for your bad experience. It happens to all of us.
  9. I've had so-called "friends" who only associated with me when they wanted something and as soon as I was no longer beneficial to them, I was permanently ghosted. I've known a person (an extended family member) who was very close to me just like a friend ever since we were children. Then this person became a sociopath. Fortunately, I escaped this sociopath's grip. Since I was no longer "needed" to benefit them, the next step was estrangement. Always beware.
  10. Thank you, SherrySher. I agree. I'm at a point in my life where I react the same exact way I've been treated. If I'm treated with indifference and apathy, I return the favor and do the same. If some people treat me lukewarmly or with their forced civility, again, I'm the same exact way towards them. I no longer go out of my way to be extra kind to anyone only to become sorely disappointed due to their lackluster attention to me. If a person is selfless and gracious towards me, I can afford to give them the same courtesy. If I don't matter much to certain people, then I treat them as if I'm standing in line to pay for my groceries. I'm polite yet keep them at a safe distance. I no longer place such high expectations in people. My mother taught me to "expect the WORST in others ALWAYS." I didn't follow her advice when I was younger but nowadays I most definitely follow her wise mantra. Then when some people actually treat me with kindness and respect, I'm pleasantly surprised and reciprocate with good, cautious manners. It works for my mental survival. What goes around comes around.
  11. I'm very sorry, itsallgrand. You have since learned the difference between sincere, real, genuine friends vs. a bunch of "Good Time Charlies," fair weather friends, pretentious, charming, fakes and phonies. This world is full of them. It was definitely a wake up call for you and unfortunately, I too had to learn this harsh lesson the hard way. I'm sorry for your sobering reality check.
  12. His message to you is this: "Leave me alone. I don't care about you. You don't matter to me. I don't care how you feel." Take a hint, get his message loud and clear and don't bother. In his mind, he has better things to do than waste his precious time and energy on you so return the favor. Focus and concentrate on your own life and be with those who know how to treat you with respect, kindness, consideration, grace, empathy and dignity. Even though it hurts the way he or others mistreat you, think of it this way: He and others are actually doing you "a favor" so you can permanently weed out the bad apples from your life. Anytime a person demonstrates their true colors of their character to you, this gives you the opportunity to eliminate those who are not worthy of your soul. Change the way you think and you will transform your hurt feelings into resilience, resolve, strength, toughness and newfound intelligence. Don't get hurt. Get smart! 🙂
  13. You don't have a realistic, secure future with him so you're just wasting your time and energy. It's time to go your separate ways permanently.
  14. Don't answer the door. Ignore when he knocks on your door. When you see him, say "hello" as you would any neighbor yet keep it at that. Remain courteous, respectful and kind while enforcing healthy boundaries for yourself. Don't bother. He's not your responsibility. Be nice but not too nice. Possess decorum while maintaining a safe distance.
  15. You have several factors working against you. LDRs (long distance relationships) rarely endure for obvious reasons such as infrequent get togethers, inconvenience, expensive travel arrangements and the hassle of it all. Remain realistic about that. His plate is full; more like overflowing. He doesn't have time nor energy for you. He's extremely busy with school, work, his mother with dementia (which is heartbreaking) and there isn't anything left in the tank after that. He doesn't have any brain space left for you. Accept this situation and how he is. He's obviously moody, cranky, grouchy and grumpy. This is human nature. Either accept him and this situation due to his stressful schedule and personal life or realize that this relationship will eventually fizzle and dissolve. Either prolong it and allow your relationship to barely hang on by the threads or end it when your patience expires.
  16. Don't tell her what your intentions are. I agree with others. Get to know her first and observe what type of human being she is and she should do the same by observing your character as well. Both of you shouldn't go in "keeping your options open" because that's a negative thought from the very beginning. Stop predicting what you do not know. Don't tell her that you like her without getting to know her first. You're moving too fast without having any facts about her personality, character, whether both of you mesh or not, whether both of you are compatible and the whole lot. Slow down for heaven's sake! She'll perceive you as not being a player if you don't act like one. Just behave naturally, remain kind, polite, well mannered, gentlemanly, gracious and thoughtful. Have a good time, enjoy engaging in good conversation, be a good listener and always possess "emotional intelligence." (Google "emotional intelligence.") There is no green nor red light. Take it one step at a time and time, positive or negative energy and dynamics will dictate the trajectory of this relationship. Or, who knows? Perhaps it wasn't meant to be. Or, it could endure. At any rate, give it a chance and see where it takes you. Don't overthink otherwise you'll scare her away. Don't overthink nor act weird otherwise you'll be perceived as insecure and strange; neither which are good. Relax and have a pleasant time. Also, keep in mind that LDRs (long distance relationships) tend to obviously become inconvenient, expensive to travel back 'n forth, you can't be together frequently and absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder. To the contrary, too much absence causes two people to drift apart eventually. Remain realistic. It's better to date locally for obvious reasons.
  17. There are so many reasons to either want to get married or not. There is no right or wrong answer. My husband and I didn't have a lavish wedding. We had a small wedding (150 guests and small by my standards where I come from), fed everyone a delicious catered prime rib meal, had a DJ, married in my husband's hometown church, reception was at an old Victorian mansion across from the church and honeymooned in the tropics. In hindsight, I would've been content with a smaller wedding or married by the justice of the peace followed by a backyard BBQ with friends and family. It would've sufficed and we would've still received a toaster! 🙂 My husband and I married because we are seriously bound and committed to each other for life including legally, financially, all of it. I agree with others, it's security mentally, economically and for us, regarding the institution of marriage itself, we're traditional. We both agreed to everything including the white picket fence in the suburbs, raising our sons together and we lead a conservative lifestyle. It works. This is our long haul comfort zone. Since you're unenthusiastic regarding marriage and your girlfriend wants marriage, do both of yourselves a favor and stop wasting your and her time. Both of you are not on the same page. It's inevitable that both of you will go your separate ways eventually. No sense hanging onto dreams which won't come true; especially for her. You're not willing to give what she wants and for that matter, you don't want marriage. The two shall never mix. Only be with a person who shares your philosophies because you'll be able to relate better and there will be no misunderstanding whatsoever. I respect your choice regarding not believing in marriage. However, others have the right to marry and carve out their own happiness together. Do what is best for you and the person whom you are with. At least have an agreement and if you two don't agree, then be with someone who is compatible.
  18. To clarify, when I meant a relationship requires too much work to sustain it, you're in constant "rescuing" mode which means the relationship is not working anymore. Yes, relationships require work. However, relationships shouldn't be miserable and taxing in order for the relationship to work. The secret to a successful relationship is to choose the right one. You can't force two incompatible people together no matter how hard you try to make it work as your support system. Communication is key, too. If there are problems, issues or concerns, these topics can be discussed in a CALM, mature, intelligent manner in order to have the common goal to resolve it peacefully. If there are differences which result in arguing, fighting, yelling, shouting matches or shutting a person down in order to manipulate the person or the conversation, then the relationship is doomed for failure. It goes back to emotional intelligence. Either a couple has emotional intelligence in lockstep or they don't. If they don't, their relationship will eventually dissolve.
  19. Stop being friends with your ex because it's unhealthy and as long as you're friends with him, you'll never able to move on. Remaining friends with your ex will constantly remind you of your bitter past with him. It's time to go your separate ways permanently. I'm sorry for your pain. Unfortunately, for most people in this world, we learn very harsh lessons the hard way which is the best yet most painful way. Those are severe lessons you'll never forget. Be comforted knowing that your regrettable lessons were not all in vain. Take those painful memories with you. Bad memories teach you how to navigate your life more wisely from this day forward. You've since learned how to become more shrewd in your future. Your key takeaways are learning how to be smarter with your choices in men, knowing who are keepers and who is not worth having in your life. There are so many stories regarding "the one that got away." Life is full of sore regrets. All you can do is never repeat the same mistake twice! Keep in mind, whenever you have to work so hard at a relationship, it isn't working. Normal, loving, very respectful and kind couples do not give ultimatums such as "if you don't fight anymore, I'll stay with you." That's very bad communication. It's important to discuss issues thoroughly instead of shutting it down like that. Google "gaslighting." Gaslighting is deflecting, changing the subject and manipulating the conversation so that you are perceived as the insane one; not the perpetrator. Also, gaslighting pins the blame entirely on you. You are the one who is considered a "loose cannon." There is no mature, intelligent conversation to be had in order to resolve differences. It's a lose-lose situation. I know so many people who fall into this category. I simply stay away. Far away. Google "emotional intelligence." Without emotional intelligence, it's impossible to have a harmonious, peaceful, content, sound, stable relationship with anyone. ALL relationships are doomed for failure without emotional intelligence. (This includes relationships, friendships, family, relatives, in-laws, everyone.) Emotional intelligence is empathy. Give yourself a long break from men so you can think long and hard with zero distractions. Then you will come out of this much wiser, resilient, tougher and stronger. My story isn't the same as yours. However, there are parallels in different ways when dealing or choosing not to deal with various characters anymore. Don't get hurt. Pick yourself up by getting smarter. Play your cards smarter. Then you'll feel numb, more intelligent and the pain goes away.
  20. I agree with others. Don't move in together. Something about your relationship with him seems very "off." He still hasn't told you that he loves you which is alarming. He sounds insincere. A relationship with him isn't normal.
  21. I said SOME ADHD; NOT ALL ADHD people. I have several BILs (brothers-in-law). One of them had ADHD as a child, on prescription meds and same with his sister, my SIL (sister-in-law). My BIL (ADHD as a child) grew up and he's a truck driver without any mishaps. My other BIL didn't have ADHD as a child, no prescription meds for it. However, he grew up to be a jerk. ADHD BIL is a great man, so kind, considerate and incredibly respectful. I wish every man was just as great as my BIL.
  22. I've noticed that some people with ADHD will put your safety and life at risk such as with car accidents, household accidents, random accidents and the like. What will they tell you after the fact? "I'm sorry?" 😦 You need to ask yourself whether or not you have the patience of a saint and don't mind mishaps due to inattentiveness. His brain is hardwired not to remain focused and concentrate on tasks at hand. Either accept him the way he is or find a man who doesn't have ADHD and this type of man will make you feel more secure.
  23. If you have to ask on a public forum whether or not you should marry this girl, it's obvious that you have doubts and misgivings. She's a liar. Once a liar, always a liar. I don't like nor love anyone whom I cannot and will not trust. Listen to your intuition and gut instincts because it's always correct.
  24. You can't put a price on peace of mind. Secure your next job before leaving your current job.
  25. Congratulations Seraphim! Enjoy your new "Home Sweet Home!" 🙂
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