Fed up! Don't know what to do anymore..

[Scarlet23]

OK here goes, need some advice but don't know if I'm going mad or what I even need advice about!

I've been with partner for 13 years and we have a 12 year old son and 10 year old son with ASD.

Back story - Partner has been quite verbally abusive to me over the years and we split up for a while 2 years ago, stupidly we got back together and things were generally better.

My ASD son is having complete meltdowns at the moment and we're really struggling with him.

Partner doesn't help, sits away from us all the time upstairs which in turn causes my son to be more angry at him because he's "never there" , my son is destroying things in the house and just completely making things horrible at home, he keeps spitting and hitting ect. I'm having to deal with all this on my own and try and control the situation without losing my own temper.

When son lashes out Partner will have a go at me, blames me for the way son is call me names says its all my fault and even threatened to punch me if I didn't get son to stop - never has hit me but has got in my face a few times threatening to ect.

But the thing is an hour or so later Partner will act normal asking if I'm ok acting like nothing has been said and it's as if I'm the one who has the problem, he then tries speaking to son and son will tell him to go away, it's catch 22 because he doesn't spend time with us. He literally comes in from work, goes upstairs, comes down for 1 minute to get his dinner then back upstairs until we're all in bed. Every day.

Just generally don't know what to do anymore - I don't know if I'm going mad, I am definitely depressed very much so.

By the way ASD son can be the most loving little boy 90 percent of the time its usually when something happens which he has no control over(serving a dinner he doesn't like anymore, not going to the park because its raining ect)

I do have my parents so I'm not completely alone but feel like I'm on my own in this house.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Scarlet23 said:

 blames me for the way son is call me names says its all my fault and even threatened to punch me if I didn't get son to stop - never has hit me but has got in my face a few times threatening to ect.

 

Sorry this is happening. Is it his house your house or do you co-own or co-lease? Please research domestic violence. You can reach out to agencies for support and help extricating yourself from this. Enlist the help of your trust friends and family.  It's important to protect yourself and your children from him. 

[Batya33]

I'm so sorry about this.  Wiseman provided good advice and input. If your younger son is acting out to this extent what do his teachers/therapists advise -does he have services like that? I will add this and completely defer to you as parent. My friend had a son with severe autism who was acting out like your son and also at school (where he eventually was suspended).  She ended up- when he was 12 - placing him in a sort of group home for children with disabilities.  It was located 5 minutes from their home so she and her husband/the dad saw him all the time.  She had 3 other kids at home and she simply could not handle this given his aggression/acting out. It is an option.  Just mentioning and again I feel for you and defer to you.

[MissCanuck]

38 minutes ago, Scarlet23 said:

Partner will have a go at me, blames me for the way son is call me names says its all my fault and even threatened to punch me if I didn't get son to stop - never has hit me but has got in my face a few times threatening to

Your children - especially your ASD son - should not be in a home like this. 

Your son has his own set of challenges, which are no doubt exacerbated by the chaos and abuse from his father towards you.

[HeartGoesOn]

Your first step would be to get a restraining order, or something similar. This environment is to your children  a  normal way of living, along with teaching them abuse/violence is simply a way of life.

Threatening to hit you is a huge red flag, with the likelyhood of physically harming you. With that said, the result of what happens to your children is anyone's guess.

I hope you make the right choices.

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Scarlet23 said:

Partner doesn't help, sits away from us all the time upstairs which in turn causes my son to be more angry at him because he's "never there" , my son is destroying things in the house and just completely making things horrible at home, he keeps spitting and hitting ect. I'm having to deal with all this on my own and try and control the situation without losing my own temper.

You should be able to seek some help outside the home. Speak with your doctor about these issue's.  Usually they will become this way as they approach teen years and are even MORE challenging when they hit puberty 😕 .  It will be hard on all you around a child like this.  My ex's dtr was also like this, she was medicated and put into a home for kids like this for at least half a year.. Again, there should be help out there for you .

4 hours ago, Scarlet23 said:

When son lashes out Partner will have a go at me, blames me for the way son is call me names says its all my fault and even threatened to punch me if I didn't get son to stop

No, is not YOUR fault, so the partner can back right off!  your kid is challenged & frustrated with their own issue's.

But, you DO need to get partner out of there again!  If anything, he may be setting the kids off even more and yourself! 😞 

I'm sorry you feel so alone 😕 .. But it sounds like your partner is not someone anyone's truly compatible with at all around the home.

I hope you can seek some prof help for all going on there.  Remove the negative best you can -

[Seraphim]

You need to remove the negative from your son’s life. I have an Autistic adult son . They have enough challenges without having a parent that is not mentally or emotionally present in their life and abusing the parent who is. 

[catfeeder]

How did you separate from this man during your last breakup, and can you duplicate that?

[redswim30]

On 5/9/2023 at 1:54 PM, Scarlet23 said:

OK here goes, need some advice but don't know if I'm going mad or what I even need advice about!

I've been with partner for 13 years and we have a 12 year old son and 10 year old son with ASD.

Back story - Partner has been quite verbally abusive to me over the years and we split up for a while 2 years ago, stupidly we got back together and things were generally better..

When son lashes out Partner will have a go at me, blames me for the way son is call me names says its all my fault and even threatened to punch me if I didn't get son to stop - never has hit me but has got in my face a few times threatening to ect.

But the thing is an hour or so later Partner will act normal asking if I'm ok acting like nothing has been said and it's as if I'm the one who has the problem, he then tries speaking to son and son will tell him to go away, it's catch 22 because he doesn't spend time with us. He literally comes in from work, goes upstairs, comes down for 1 minute to get his dinner then back upstairs until we're all in bed. Every day.

Just generally don't know what to do anymore - I don't know if I'm going mad, I am definitely depressed very much so.

 

I do have my parents so I'm not completely alone but feel like I'm on my own in this house.

You're in an abusive marriage.  This is NOT your fault.  Please get out now, as you and your children are in danger living with this man. 

Cycle of abuse, OP.  That's what your husband is doing.  Is abusive, acts abusive, then doesn't acknowledge the abuse and does JUST enough to win back your trust/loyalty/love.  Then gaslights you into believing you've done something wrong OR had an "overreaction" to the abuse.    It's a very common tactic.   I should know. My ex-husband was that way.   

You're not going mad, you're responding to abuse in a normal way.  When we want things to work in our marriage/a relationship, it's easier to justify the bad because we want it to work so much.  And it's hard to acknowledge that we are being abused, especially by someone that should love us. 

Who your husband is 95% of the time IS who he is.   It's easy to put on a polite/kind/charming mask in short bursts, but that isn't who he is. 

Please make a plan and get out.  You and your sons do not deserve this.  Be safe. 

 

[smackie9]

Sorry but your marriage is over. He's just existing in it. He knows life will be difficult without you cooking/cleaning/doing his laundry, etc for him. A divorce will have him to be on his own, paying child support, and alimony. So that's why he pacifies you with "small bursts" of affection like the other poster mentioned. It's time to call a lawyer, and make a happier home enviroment for your children. Get in touch with a social worker and they can find you the support you need.