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Everything posted by redswim30

  1. You should look into pro-bono attorneys. There are many out there for cases just like yours- for domestic violence cases or hotly contested divorces with an abusive partner. Why do you "doubt they'll give it to you"? You can get an order of protection by just telling them about trashing the house, threatening your children, and that he said he's going to " ruin your life"- that is more than enough to get you an order of protection. You do not have to be divorced or even filed yet. OP, what everyone has already written to you ought to be proof to you that EVERYONE thinks he is ab
  2. SIGH. Let's deconstruct this. 1. You don't want to end your relationship with your children. That power is IN your hands. You are a grown woman. Choose THEM. 2. He's feeding you lies and blaming everyone but HIMSELF (classic abuser behavior) 3. You don't have to explain yourself to him. If you want to talk things over- talk to a friend, relative or therapist. Every time you talk to him, he'll keep trying to convince you to take him back and every ELSE is wrong but HIM. 4. It's in your power to end the cycle. 5. You should look into getting an order of protect
  3. OP, this is too many cons. Many of which are serious and you should not tolerate at ALL- Ie- Throwing things at you during arguments. You aren't compatible. End it.
  4. ^ I was thinking the same thing. WHAT to you about this man is worth it? He does wrong and expects YOU to make it "right?" And he expects you to pick him over your children?!?!?! Abuser wants people to do that- sever relationships with everyone but THEM in your life and rest assured if you choose him, that IS what will happen. Your kids may not want a relationship with you. OP, what would you expect him to say? No one EVER says " They are right to shun me"- but sometimes people ARE right to shun certain individuals and in this case, your kids are 100% right and HE is wrong!
  5. OP, any person in their right mind is going to tell you to leave your abuser. Of COURSE your husband says it's your fault- that's what abusers DO, OP- Ie " It's YOUR fault that I hit you" The only question is, do you WANT to? It's in your hands. It really is. YOU decide. I only hope that with the help of professionals you come to realize that you are worthy of love, that you do not deserve abuse, that your KIDS really do not deserve abuse and that your husband does not love anymore but himself.
  6. Who no longer wants to say I LOVE YOU to their spouse? He says you love him more than he loves you? He's abusing you on so many levels here. You're walking on eggshells around him, worried that you might "set him off"- that's hardcore abuse, OP. I'm sorry to say, but having a child typically puts stress on a marriage. Having a child is hard work for both parties, and you shouldn't have a child if one of you is not ready for that constant responsibility. Unless you are wealthy, one of you is always going to have to take care of the baby on a daily basis, and yes, sometimes it is lopsi
  7. ^ I work with cops, and this just ISN'T TRUE, OP. Cops cannot just arrest people over hearsay or there'd be a lot more people in prison. If he did call the cops, then tell them is your soon to be ex-husband and he's threatening and harassing you. You need to be strong and cut off your abuser, no contact. Please do not consider taking this abuser back, there are other men out there, I promise. I highly recommend you leave the old home. Since the kids aren't his, he doesn't need to know where you are living.
  8. Why did you dislike her the minute you met her? Do you feel threatened in general by other women? Why do you keep snooping on your husband's phone? Do you not trust him? Have you had trust issues before? It almost sounds to me like you are looking to verify your feelings that he is having an affair. And when people are in that mode, you can justify almost anything as 'cheating' if you are looking to. It's like when staring at clouds long enough, you will force yourself to see what you want to. But honestly, based only on what you said, I'm not sure that he is. So WHY are you
  9. OP, You KNEW who he was and you married him anyway. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. You say you don't deserve this, and I agree that you don't- but at the same time- you keep forgiving him for something that is a deal-breaker for you- thereby saying thru your actions, that it is NOT in fact a deal-breaker for you. You frankly need to decide if it is or isn't. The fact that you felt the need to snoop shows that you don't trust him and you know that you can't trust him. You expected to find something. So while you may have forgiven him for the pa
  10. Oh OP, my heart just breaks for you. When someone is a different person after marriage- THAT is real person, now that they are comfortable. Too many people sadly think that after marriage, they don't have to "try anymore". This attitude of " Well now I have you, so that's that". Please know- THIS IS ABOUT HIM, not you. Please re-read that like ten times. He SAID it- He's afraid to be alone. It sounds like he is afraid to be alone- I.e. wants a woman around to do all the cooking and cleaning, but he isn't necessarily interested in a marriage about a loving partnership. I'm sor
  11. I want to give you a slightly different perspective. While I DO agree with the above posters that being fine and the ability to be happy without your spouse present 24/7 is a GOOD thing, but I want to focus in on a couple concerning things you said that I think are getting glossed over. I don't believe you should ignore your feelings that you were less stressed and more relaxed than you had been in your words- a long time. While I don't panic when my husband is gone, I do still miss him. It's normal over the long term to want some occasional space or feel ok when you are alone. H
  12. I'll keep this short. The simple fact that you are afraid to tell him the whole truth says everything you need to know. Period. Nothing's going to change. Please- for your health and safety, get a divorce.
  13. My question back to you OP is, WHY do you care about what her intentions were that much if you believe your husband didn't respond to her, in your OWN words "isn't attracted to her" and neither of you SPEAK to her anymore? Then what does it matter to you what her intentions were? You want to think she's a horrible person- go for it. Let's say for the sake of argument everything you think about her (let's be honest- it's just your opinion and not fact) but let's say she DID want him to flirt and make moves on her. If your husband didn't respond to it, then why does it matter to you? N
  14. OP, you can't have it both ways. Either she AND your husband were conniving together and had an affair- that he actively and willingly participated in together with her. OR it really was innocent on his part AND hers. IMVHO, You seem to want to say " My poor naive husband got caught in her spider's web and it's all HER fault" as if your husband has no free will of his own. And if you DO believe that, then he is your problem, not her. If you cut her off and you aren't obsessed with her anymore, than why do you still care what she is doing- independent of your family? You say y
  15. A lot to unpack here. First of all, if you are going to judge this woman for her past behavior and feel she's destined to repeat past mistakes and you disagree this strongly, then why are you friends with her in the first place? Real friends don't do that. Honestly, you sound like you want moral superiority over her with your comment of "zero times in my lifetime"- again, friends don't do this to each other. I'm sorry, but you either trust your husband or you don't. I hate when people say " I trust my spouse, but I don't trust the OM/OW", because that's a false statement. I
  16. OP- some questions for you. What, in your opinion, is now missing from your relationship? Why do you think you push people away? What do you consider to be "too much"? Are you afraid of being vulnerable? Or being rejected? So it's easier to keep things at the surface. IMVHO, I can see two potential things at play here. 1. You have an " if only" mindset, which can be dangerous, especially the older we get. We see happiness as something to achieve by getting SOME thing- IE- That JOB, that PERSON, that LOOK, that SIZE, that IMAGE, that HOUSE, that A, B, C, D- and that we w
  17. I'm very sorry to tell you that this is a situation with no compromise. You have to make a choice. Unfortunately, some choices in life are between bad and worse. You need to decide what is more important to you. Staying with this man or having kids of your own. You cannot have both, so stop entertaining " If only this or that", because it isn't your reality and will only leave you bitter. What does having a child of your own represent to you? Could you potentially fill that void with something else? Travel, hobbies, volunteering with children's organizations? What does yo
  18. I think Indea makes some great points. But IF you still discover he still cannot have bio children, then you really only have two options. 1. Adopt a child with your husband 2. Get a divorce and have a biological child with another man If I may ask, what are your reasons for wanting a bio kid over an adopted kid so badly? Sometimes people believe that a biological child will be JUST like them and their spouse. That is not necessarily true. I am nothing like my parents. My adopted brother, however, was much closer to them. A biological child isn't necessarily
  19. OP, He is not interested in marriage. Please please do not consider marrying this man. It sounds to me like he is interested in living with you so he can sponge off you, the way he's sponging off his mommy. Why do you even have an interest in marrying this man? He clearly has no ambition, and pretty obvious contempt for women and marriage. People do tend to have emotional responses to Pre-nups. But as someone who has been divorced, let me tell you- They are a GOOD thing. Especially if, as in your situation, you have FAR more than he does. If you were to get married a
  20. Two months is extremely fast to move in with someone. Talking about exes isn't always necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can be helpful to talk thru WHY that relationship failed or identify triggers for you or ways in which you have grown with your partner. However, it is important to know WHY. Are you doing it to be constructive or are you crying on each other's shoulders? Are you trying to set up your relationship for success by sharing what went wrong? Or do you not really have anything else in common besides negativity about your exes? In all honesty, I think most pa
  21. OP, please DUMP HIM! DUMP HIM NOW! I'm serious. You are NOT in ANY way overweight and I HATE that he's even made you THINK that you are!!!! I had relatives that died last year and when I was sitting over death beds, NOT ONE person was thinking about how much they WEIGHED. It's an extreme example, but you take my meaning. What matters is the person and those who love you don't care one JOT. Let me tell you another story. During my first marriage, we met young when I was "model thin" and a size 0. When we got a little older, I was a size 1 and he said he wasn't as attract
  22. While I do think in this case that it was a good thing to for him to put this particular friendship on the rock and I 'm glad he took your concerns seriously. You do want to be careful in the future. Think about if you are ok with him having female friends or not, and if so- what particular boundaries do you expect? You can have female friends, but don't hide it? You can have female friends, but don't text them all night? And so forth. Everyone is different in their comfort level. Once you do set these boundaries, you must be careful never to cross them yourself or get upset i
  23. Everyone is different, but I will answers these as honestly as I can. 1. Why is it that when you date you seem to have a different perspectives on how Sex should be between the two of you, (IE - frequency, level of interest, spontaneous, experimentation of different things, and energy level etc) ? I just have to go with everyone is different on this one. You need to find someone who has sex as as high a priority as you do. 2. Why is it when your married those things mentioned above seen to dwindle and ones / or both in the marriage perspective becomes less of Sex and more
  24. Sometimes when people have been together "forever", it isn't a good idea to marry that person - I say as a person who married someone because we were together "forever" and everyone expected it. I'm not saying long term relationships are always this way, but too often they can end up being more of a "security blanket" or " fear of being alone" rather than staying together out of deep, genuine love. May or may not be the case here. Do NOT "confront him", but you will need to talk to him. These are the conversations that no one loves, but must be had. You say repeatedly that you lo
  25. OP, seeing what you wrote on this and a previous thread- IMO, your husband is already having an emotional affair, if not a physical one as well. WHY is it that you want a second baby so badly? Is it because you've always wanted a big family? Or are you trying to "re-kindle" the marriage with another child? Either way, if your husband has decided that he doesn't want another one- the reason doesn't really matter. You will not be able to convince him to want what you want. And if you "force him" this will only lead to resentment and an even bigger rift in your marriage than you curr
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