redswim30

OP, you are not stuck. You are only stuck if you choose to be. Staying in a relationship is choice, regardless of how long you've been together or your commitment level. You never ever HAVE to stay with someone. His mental health is not related to his conscious decision to be emotionally unfaithful to you. In my experience, people who need exterior validation to the point of making up lies to attain it, rarely change. Life is never free of worry or difficult times. Someone who needs constant validation and attention and seeks it in unhealthy ways- Well, that habit would be incredibly challenging to break, even if someone wanted to. In my opinion, I would just break up. There's no point in confronting him on this. IMVHO, what would happen is he would either gaslight you, apologize but continue, or promise not to do it again until he once again needs validation and attention. To me, OP- someone who has no problem consistently lying to you to make themselves feel good, is not someone you can ever really trust. You are too young to settle for such disrespect. You ARE enough. There's plenty of men out there who won't cheat and you and value you. Men who will respect you enough and not consistently lie to you to feed their own ego. You deserve better than this selfish person.

It really sounds like all this conversation did was to make him feel shamed. He's saying he needs "stronger self will" and then you reassuring him like you are his parent? Not healthy for either of you. I'll say it again OP, you are sexually incompatible. And how you handled this should not continue. You are really in child/parent roles here. One of you (or both of you) will eventually get tired of that dynamic. In a long relationship, you won't always be in the mood for sex at the same time. And you shouldn't have to delve or probe because you feel disappointed and he shouldn't have to "report" to you what he did, why it was wrong and how to make sure to abide by your rules next time. I really think you are headed for a breakup if you keep this dynamic up. Let's forget about him for a second and talk about your communication style. You repeated in above posts say that "You know you have no right to tell him/manage him" etc- but then you go on to do exactly those things, but then trying to soften the blow with "but if I'm not available, you can do whatever you want." You "pre-excuse" yourself because you know what you are about to say is unfair, and then you still choose to do it anyway, then double back around with "but it's ok in these specific circumstances." So my question is - in other areas of your relationship, do you at times take on a more parental role with him? That's really what this is seeming like. Like your relationship is really unequal and on your terms. Perhaps I'm wrong, but instead of continuing to look at what he did that made you unhappy. You might reconsider your own behavior here and why you feel the need to jump into parental mode with him.

For this first sentence alone, you don't have a right to be mad at him in this specific instance. HOWEVER, it does sounds like you are sexually incompatible and issues like this don't tend to go away with time. The rift just gets wider and wider. If he is, as you say in denial, then as you age, this issue will only get worse. Especially if he does have ED at such a young age. All you can do is to determine how important this issue is to you and if it is a deal-breaker for you or not. But just don't expect it to magically go away, conversation or not. Issues are unlikely to improve with someone so severely in denial.

But Shy, this is ONLY true if BOTH people agree to it. (and yes, I agree it can work if both people are ok with it) He does NOT agree. So much so that he's having a regular sex appointment with a sex worker. That is not healthy and she isn't even aware that he is cheating on her regularly. That is not fair to either of them or healthy. If they want to stay married, he has to have a fully honest conversation with her about his affair and if she will either agree to him seeing a sex worker, or if he is willing to have a sexless marriage with her. But the point is THEY MUST AGREE. What's going on now is not at all healthy for either of them.

1, I completely disagree. Not only is sex foundational to a ROMANTIC relationship, not a FRIENDSHIP (which is what he and his wife have). I feel the Western world is actually really Puritanical and shame filled regarding sex and not as open and honest, and frankly free about it as other cultures. Sex is crucial is to strong relationship. A marriage will only work with a person like this if the other person is also uninterested in sex. Zaku, " only lasts a few minutes"? Sorry you've had such bad sex in your life. To many people, it is critical and that's not wrong. Besides, sex is more than the physical act and "bad sex" or just incompatibility isn't the sole issue here, it's that his wife is trying to control him- I mean he can't even watch porn- this is partially WHY he is seeing an escort now as opposed to watching a video. 2. I think that's really over generalizing. Everyone is different, there's no magic formula. Plenty of men have lots of casual sex til they settle down and plenty of women have affairs later in life. 3. I disagree with the general theory of the "soulmate" or that there's only ONE person for everyone. I think realistically and logistically, we all have hundreds, thousands, possibly more of people we might be compatible with. We just get stuck in, " If I can't make it work with this ONE person, I can never make it work with anyone" which is nonsense. Having sex be such an issue that one party feels the need to go out and seek it elsewhere is NOT some minor issue to brush under the rug. I doubt his wife may want to stay married if she knew her husband had a regularly standing escort appointment. Divorce doesn't have to be an abyss. You are friends who don't have sex. Guess what you can be when you are no longer married? Friends that don't have sex. The cheating in this marriage is symptomatic of the fact that this man feels unhappy and trapped. Just stopping seeing the escort and brushing this under the rug because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings or lose their friendship, is acting out of fear. And is not at all loving towards himself or her. IMVHO, OP, you should get divorced. Your wife has deeply rooted issues with sex, that I don't think the two of you fix. Even if you stopped seeing this escort, this issue will keep coming up over and over again. This is not healthy for either of you. If you really want to try and make it work- stop seeing this escort immediately. Tell your wife everything and immediately start couples therapy. If she won't do it, then you can tell her divorce might be for the best. Don't let your COMFORT fool you. There are other women out there. Women who enjoy sex. Women you could be AS compatible with or more. Women that won't try or even want to control your every move. What you have with your wife is really just a friendship. If she's really as great as you say, she'll let go this illusion that you're married and let you go find someone who wants to be in a healthy sexual marriage.

Your wife doesn't sound amazing to me. She is using sex as a weapon to control you. And you know it, which is why you are unhappy and seeking fulfillment elsewhere. Any marriage in which one person resorts to cheating (the fact that she looks like your wife doesn't matter- you ARE cheating on your wife and having an affair) to fulfill their needs because they cannot talk to their spouse about it, is NOT a good or healthy marriage. A marriage without sex is called FRIENDSHIP. You have a best friend, not a spouse. You have to decide if that's enough for you or not- WITHOUT cheating, cause that's not being fair. Your wife is clearly uninterested in change. She isn't going to - you accept that your marriage is what it is or you get divorced and find someone more compatible with you.

Just ignore her. I wouldn't even respond. Or if you feel compelled to, I would use phrases like " well, that's your opinion." or " We clearly don't see eye to eye" We cannot control what other people say about us or how they view us. Believe me, I get your frustration. Myself and my husband, this is both of our second marriages. Both of our first spouses love to spout falsehoods about us to others or say completely untrue things out of anger. Maybe it is unhappiness, but who cares? Things are how they are. You'll be a lot happier when you realize you can't control what other people think, feel or say about you, even if it's ridiculously untrue. There's a phrase that has helped me a lot in life " Every people, people that barely know or even that know you well, have versions of you that are completely inaccurate in their heads." This all really says way more about her than it does about you. Brush it off and let it go.

The best advice I can give is this- Make sure you are pursuing people that are like- minded and have similar interests. I sometimes see people struggle when they go for people based on only looks, and are stunned they don't succeed when they have nothing in common with that person. Then meet people in spaces where you're commonality thrives- IE if you're a bookworm, go to book events, if you're a cinephile, go to film festivals, if you're into Sports, go to places that show games. It's not just about "being a good person", though that definitely helps. It's about meeting like-minded people that you may be compatible with. Your success rate will instantly be better if you're tuned into this and as another poster said, when you decide what type of relationship you want.

My question is why do you even WANT a relationship with these people? Just because they are family and you feel like you should? I honestly don't see the positives for you. Sure, you can "see the grandkids" but no one is treating you with respect, kindness or love. Why do you feel like you deserve this? No one would be worth this kind of treatment to me- Kid, grandkid, whatever. Just because they are family doesn't mean you OWE them anything. You don't. If I were you, I would just cut ties and say- " If you ever decide you want a relationship with me again, you can reach out to me calmly and respectfully. I do not deserve to be emotionally abused by you just because we are related" Your daughter is teaching her kids to bully others, BTW. I understand if you don't want to do that. But bullies only respond to strength. By giving in to your daughter's outrageous behavior and demands (I would also NEVER tolerate that level of disrespect from a teenage grandchild- not EVER) - you are telling her that her behavior is okay and you will always cave to her more and more outlandish and frankly unhealthy demands. IMVHO, If you want these abusers in your life, expect to be abused. Nothing's going to change if you don't. Sorry to be harsh, but you keep caving to them mistreating you and wonder why they continue to mistreat you. I know you're afraid of "losing them" but frankly, I don't think you'd be losing much. These aren't good people. Personally, I'd cut them out of my life.

You need to have a talk- leave this co-worker out of it. You need to say " I feel like there's been a distance between us lately. Has something changed? Have your feelings for me changed in any way? I need to understand what may be happening and what we can do together to work on it?" Nothing changes before you can both be honest with each other and admit that SOMETHING has changed. Maybe it's just that the relationship isn't "new" anymore. Sometimes when people feel 'settled" they naturally stop putting in as much effort. Maybe she's overly stressed. Who knows? But if you cannot have an honest conversation about this, you have bigger problems than feeling a little distant.

Don't worry about this co-worker. He is not your problem. The problem is your disconnect. Can you explain how you are disconnected? Are you not talking? Are you feeling a lack of affection? What do you feel has changed? Have you talked about this? We really have to know what disconnect means to you to get a better idea of what advice to give you.

Yes, you should break up with her. These are all pretty serious issues. No partner should ever be paying for everything, unless that's an agreement you made mutually going into things. More concerning is the fact that she appears to approach everything from a "I'm always right and you're always wrong" position which is not fair, healthy, or in any way respectful or loving towards you. No, these are not things "most guys" deal with. Your partner is simply not a very nice person. This is not how you treat someone you love. She's emotionally gaslighting you. She's being at best rude and oblivious of the fact that you have feelings and at worst, she is manipulative and just plain cruel. I'm not seeing any positives here. This is a toxic relationship. Most women I know would be thrilled to have a man that wants to give her that type of respect, love and support that you have given your ungrateful partner. This relationship is not healthy for either of you. End it.

OP, all of this really sounds like you are fundamentally incompatible. There's sadly nothing you can do to change your husband. Nothing. Especially since you have already tried couples counseling and he does not appear invested in changing himself. So, the only thing you can change is you. You can attend counseling, and while this may help give you perspective, it's not going to change much about your dynamic with your husband. You said you don't believe in divorce, but, if nothing changes then really what you are looking at is more of the same. A man who is very checked out of the marriage and out of feeling responsible for things. Honestly, IMVHO, I worry this is going to come to a head at some point of him feeling resentful and starting an affair should the day come where he meets someone he is more compatible with- or even you for that matter, if you stay, nothing changes and you start to feel more and more resentful. This is a situation that is ripe for that. I say this not as a judgment of either of you, simply because in a situation like this where two people are unhappy, if nothing changes, something will eventually happen, because you are human. One of you gets sick of it, and reaches a breaking point of either seeking comfort elsewhere or simply wanting to be free of the situation. You have kids. You should consider what sort of relationship this is modeling for them. Nobody ever gets married wanting a divorce, but sometimes people who are incompatible in important ways, find that living together permanently is not going to work due to fundamental differences that spring up. You can choose not to divorce, and that's fine. But understand, as things are, your husband is unlikely to change. So you have to accept if you stay married to this man, this is likely the situation you will be in for the rest of your life. Only you know if you can accept that or not.

^^^^^^^THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IMVHO, it's the only way all these circumstances line up to make any logical sense together.

I'm not going down the "strip club debate" rabbit hole. There's no right or wrong and everyone feels different about it. Your anxiety also has nothing to with this. Here's your real issue- you established a boundary that he crossed. He omitted telling you because he knew he was violating a couple boundary you had. For this, you have every right to feel upset. I'm a little concerned for you that his response was "he didn't want the drama", because there's a BIG DIFFERENCE between someone overreacting to something minor versus someone omitting a truth because they're aware it's crossing a boundary their partnership has. (Whether or not we here agree with that boundary or not is irrelevent) I'm glad you discussed it and I think you can let this one go after you reestablish what you are or are not okay with. However, I would keep my antennae up if I were you. You need to be aware of if something like this ever happens again. Going behind your partner's back to break any established boundary is not ok, even if you think it's silly, it's important to your partner. Partners need to agree on boundaries and what is acceptable. If one partner cannot see themselves being able to LIVE with that boundary, then they need to share that instead of conceal it. That way you both can decide if it's a dealbreaker for you as a couple or not.