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redswim30

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  1. So, let me get this straight... You have OVER a MILLION in retirement and you are still worried? MAN, I would LOVE to be in your shoes! I will never be able to retire, and no, that's not hyperbole. And I've never not worked multiple jobs my whole life (since I was 12) and I'm very frugal. But I've had a lot of bad circumstances hit me and my family. Most kids today will never be able to retire as pensions are a thing of the past and the cost of living skyrockets as wages stay stagnant. So, first I advise to please look around you and realize that for most people, you are sitting pretty and tons of people out there would LOVE to be in your position- I KNOW I WOULD!!!! But this is about you and all I can tell you is this. My dad just died. He was like you, NEVER wanted to spend a cent of his retirement money. Avoided home repairs, going places he always want to go, avoided buying stuff he really needed, avoided going to the doctor for treatments he needed. Now that money is still there- but Dad is gone. He didn't spend it... and for what? He didn't get to enjoy the fruits of his labors, he never got to see places he wanted to (but could have), he didn't keep up his health (and could have potentially lived longer), didn't fix his house - and now the kids have to (and use his money for it anyway). And I've just been thinking over and over- HOW SAD it makes me that my Dad HAD the money and was just too scared to USE it. And he never had anything CLOSE to a MILLION dollars, either. It makes me horribly sad that he didn't enjoy his life as much as he could have, when he had the money to do more. Take a breath, really think about being grateful for what you have, and perhaps seeks counseling for why you feel you cannot spend money.
  2. You've been together since you were kids. You can like someone, you can love someone, you can be friends with someone and someone can even be very helpful at times when you need them- HOWEVER, this all STILL does not mean that you are compatible in the long term or that you can live together harmoniously forever. 11 years is more than sufficient time to see if your relationship is capable of growth or change. Repeated past behavior is the BEST indicator of future repeated behavior. I too married my childhood sweetheart. It was hard to get divorced and let all that history go, but it was the right thing to do and we are both happier and with partners much better suited to us both. The thing is- it's not JUST "how you fight"- because how you fight also gets into how you communicate. How you communicate can make or break a relationship. Sometimes when we are with someone too long (especially as kids) we stifle our own growth. You're both stuck in your same childhood patterns which ultimately makes you wrong for each other in the long-term. You're holding onto the nostalgia of the relationship and not enjoying the current relationship. It sounds like you just aren't in love with each other anymore, and that's okay. Sometimes relationships come into our lives when we need them, they serve their intended purpose and then it's time for us to move on. There's nothing wrong or shameful in that. It's nice that your families like each other, but that's no reason to stay married. Those people aren't IN the marriage and the only opinions that matter is who is IN the marriage. Remember, it's not about blame. Sometimes you can both be doing everything you can, and at the end of the day, you are still incompatible. Contrary to what a lot of movies tell us, you don't have to hate someone when you break up or get divorced. And even when you KNOW it's the right thing for you both, it's still hard when you have all that history. I remember when I got divorced, it was very hard even though I KNEW it was the right thing for us both, it was still painful. In the moment, it was hard to walk away from all that history and you listen to people say stuff like, " If you loved each other once, you can again"- but it's not that simple. Marriages are about more than "feelings". I had moments of doubt, it's hard to let go of something that's been part of your life for SO long. But ultimately, I'm very glad that I did and was brave enough to let go. I am so much happier now in my current marriage and my ex is much happier now in his. And I don't have any bitterness about it. We were part of each other's lives when we needed to be until it wasn't serving us anymore- and we moved on. And yes, part of it is sad- but the happiness that has come since has been more than worth it. So, in case it isn't clear- Yes, I think you should move forward with the divorce. Even if your husband "wins you back"- trust me on this (cause I went thru the exact SAME THING)- that joy will be short-lived and before you know it, you will slip back into your same old patterns. Time for you both to move on. GOOD LUCK!!!!
  3. Honestly, OP- your husband sounds really shallow to me. I'm not exactly sure TBH why you are defending him so much. Most women gain weight after childbirth or their figures are never the same again. Even without childbirth, our bodies change with age. If everything you are saying is accurate, WHY would he go from being SUPER into you to not at all interested in you sexually just from gaining weight? Unless he's really really shallow or perhaps wasn't as madly in love with you as you thought. IMVHO, everyone feels that spark right away. Real love is tested in moments like these, when you aren't at your "best", when everything has gotten familiar, when nothing is "new" anymore. My husband and I have been together a long time now, we've both gained weight, but we are still as attracted to each other as ever and want each other as much. Because we still deeply love and want each other, our bodies don't matter. I say it often because it's a truth a lot of people don't want to consider, much less accept. Lots of marriages are tested when children get involved. You say you didn't plan on being parents. Even though I'm sure your husband loves your son, perhaps this is impacting your marriage more than you think. It's not uncommon (weight gain or not) for men to look at their wives differently post-baby. To not view you as sexual anymore. Some men can really struggle with this. Is it possible your husband could be having an affair? I'm sorry to say this can also be very common after having a child, especially an unplanned one. Men can often feel jealous of the attention that gets lavished on the child OR start looking for a new conquest to feel "validated" again. Maybe this is the case, maybe it isn't- but the point I want you to consider is perhaps NOT putting these problems down to simple weight gain. There could be much more at play under the surface than this. OR your husband is just very shallow, but either way, this isn't good and if you want to stay married, you have some work to do. Please please stop blaming everything on weight gain or time. Those are easy and convenient excuses not to look further. I get it, it's more comfortable to assume it's a surface level thing cause confronting other things are scary. And if it's a surface level thing, we can view that as easily "fixable", when whatever is really at play may not be. I'm unsure what you want. Do you want to stay married or get a divorce? If you want to stay married, you are going to have to get uncomfortable and really figure out what's wrong. You may get some answers you don't like. But whatever you do, PLEASE do NOT think you deserve to be treated this way because you put on weight. Cause honestly, if that's the only reason for your husband to be distant and non-sexual with you, that's pretty scummy. It's not "normal" for your husband to not want to have sex with you. I understand people can get complacent, but if you desire an active romantic marriage, then you already know things have to change. Nothing will change by ignoring it. Taking all the "blame" is harmful to you. Please stop doing that. Not every relationship is meant to last "forever"- it's a ridiculous standard our society still has. That if you don't last forever, it's a "failure". IMVHO, that's a childish attitude. Sometimes we have the relationship that we need at the time and if it no longer serves the two people involved, it's ok to end it. You don't have to hate each other. You can look at it and say " It worked for us for a while, but it doesn't work now and isn't serving either of us positively anymore and it should end." AND THAT'S OKAY. And IMO, MUCH healthier than trying to "force" something that you both know isn't working or making either of you happy. Have a conversation with your husband. Talk about what has been going on. Talk about your feelings- do NOT assume you know what he is feeling or why. Just hear him out. Do NOT just blame yourself. Then talk about what you want going forwards and find out if you're on the same page and if he's willing to put in the work. (Cause this cannot just be " You need to lose weight". ) If you are- GREAT. If you aren't, then you need to think about if you want to continue to live this way or if you do not see it continuing long term. Whatever you decide, do NOT use your child as the sole reason to stay if the marriage will not make either of you happy. I believe it's entirely possible to be fantastic co-parents without being married to each other. GOOD LUCK!!!!
  4. No one and I mean NO ONE has the right to INSIST that they alone be your WHOLE world. I mean it. Everyone from spouses, to parents, to children. No one person should ever be your entire reason for existence. Human beings are social creatures and no one person can or SHOULD be your everything. Not only is it totally unrealistic, it's toxic. You are not responsible for HER mental health. Please re-read that over and over. It's unfair of her to put you in that position to begin with. It's one thing to ask your partner to be supportive, I can get behind that. It's another to where you are; her entire reason for living, you cannot live your own life, have other meaningful relationships, do things of your own accord, have purpose beyond her, be perfect, be her psychiatrist, be her "salvation, and basically she's asking you to be her God. That is incredibly unhealthy for BOTH of you. This cannot possibly sustain itself as is. She needs to get help and if she's really reached that level of codependence with you in which she is threatening to kill herself if she cannot control your every action, then she is severely ill and really should be hospitalized. You will never be able to live up to these standards long-term. It's already driving you buggy. Mental illness isn't anyone's fault, you are right. Behaviors are, though. Just by ASKING you to let her dictate what you can and can't do, is not fair of her and she likely knows she should not be doing this. This is within her control, so please do not defend that in her. I understand it's a tricky line, as I've had several family members with mental illnesses. But ANY psychiatrist worth their salt will tell you that; playing into delusions, letting them control everything, not setting boundaries, accepting any and ALL negative behavior, is detrimental to their health and you are exacerbating their illness, not helping. I know you don't want to leave her and that's good of you. But you MUST make it clear to her that things cannot continue in this manner. She needs to find coping strategies to deal with not always getting her way with you. You are your own person and behaving as your puppet master IS within her control and it must stop or trust me, you WILL reach a breaking point. So, if she wants you to remain in her life, she needs to really seek change in her treatment of you. Right now, this is a dictatorship, not a relationship.
  5. You should look into pro-bono attorneys. There are many out there for cases just like yours- for domestic violence cases or hotly contested divorces with an abusive partner. Why do you "doubt they'll give it to you"? You can get an order of protection by just telling them about trashing the house, threatening your children, and that he said he's going to " ruin your life"- that is more than enough to get you an order of protection. You do not have to be divorced or even filed yet. OP, what everyone has already written to you ought to be proof to you that EVERYONE thinks he is abusive. Why do you still doubt that the law will? The law is really on your side in your case, you just have to seek it out. Best of luck to you and please do everything you can to keep yourself and your children safe.
  6. SIGH. Let's deconstruct this. 1. You don't want to end your relationship with your children. That power is IN your hands. You are a grown woman. Choose THEM. 2. He's feeding you lies and blaming everyone but HIMSELF (classic abuser behavior) 3. You don't have to explain yourself to him. If you want to talk things over- talk to a friend, relative or therapist. Every time you talk to him, he'll keep trying to convince you to take him back and every ELSE is wrong but HIM. 4. It's in your power to end the cycle. 5. You should look into getting an order of protection- you can get this prior to divorce. That way, he can't just "stop by anytime"
  7. OP, this is too many cons. Many of which are serious and you should not tolerate at ALL- Ie- Throwing things at you during arguments. You aren't compatible. End it.
  8. ^ I was thinking the same thing. WHAT to you about this man is worth it? He does wrong and expects YOU to make it "right?" And he expects you to pick him over your children?!?!?! Abuser wants people to do that- sever relationships with everyone but THEM in your life and rest assured if you choose him, that IS what will happen. Your kids may not want a relationship with you. OP, what would you expect him to say? No one EVER says " They are right to shun me"- but sometimes people ARE right to shun certain individuals and in this case, your kids are 100% right and HE is wrong! And abusers almost never admit they are abusive, they make excuses and blame others.
  9. OP, any person in their right mind is going to tell you to leave your abuser. Of COURSE your husband says it's your fault- that's what abusers DO, OP- Ie " It's YOUR fault that I hit you" The only question is, do you WANT to? It's in your hands. It really is. YOU decide. I only hope that with the help of professionals you come to realize that you are worthy of love, that you do not deserve abuse, that your KIDS really do not deserve abuse and that your husband does not love anymore but himself.
  10. Who no longer wants to say I LOVE YOU to their spouse? He says you love him more than he loves you? He's abusing you on so many levels here. You're walking on eggshells around him, worried that you might "set him off"- that's hardcore abuse, OP. I'm sorry to say, but having a child typically puts stress on a marriage. Having a child is hard work for both parties, and you shouldn't have a child if one of you is not ready for that constant responsibility. Unless you are wealthy, one of you is always going to have to take care of the baby on a daily basis, and yes, sometimes it is lopsided. But that's part of being a parent. I can understand being tired and frustrated but there is NEVER an excuse to abuse your spouse over it. NEVER. You already know your marriage is in an extremely unhealthy place, it is best to just end it. He's being horribly abusive towards you. You and your son do not deserve this. It is also not a healthy example for your son to witness as he gets older. What is there to make work, OP? Honestly? Abusers don't just stop abusing. It sounds like he keeps pushing farther and farther to see how much abuse you will take. That is an awful thing to live through. Please please please look into legal counsel. Please start planning your escape from this abuser. He has zero intention of making things "work". He's just planning on abusing you for as long as he can get away with. Please read this as many times as it takes to sink in - This man does not love you. This man is abusive. This man does not respect you. This man will never change. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of respect. I have a right to basic human dignity. I deserve to be supported and loved. Please be honest with trusted family or friends and make your escape.
  11. ^ I work with cops, and this just ISN'T TRUE, OP. Cops cannot just arrest people over hearsay or there'd be a lot more people in prison. If he did call the cops, then tell them is your soon to be ex-husband and he's threatening and harassing you. You need to be strong and cut off your abuser, no contact. Please do not consider taking this abuser back, there are other men out there, I promise. I highly recommend you leave the old home. Since the kids aren't his, he doesn't need to know where you are living.
  12. Why did you dislike her the minute you met her? Do you feel threatened in general by other women? Why do you keep snooping on your husband's phone? Do you not trust him? Have you had trust issues before? It almost sounds to me like you are looking to verify your feelings that he is having an affair. And when people are in that mode, you can justify almost anything as 'cheating' if you are looking to. It's like when staring at clouds long enough, you will force yourself to see what you want to. But honestly, based only on what you said, I'm not sure that he is. So WHY are you SO Sure???? How do you know for SURE that it wasn't an honest mistake? Maybe it WAS and that's why he deleted it and didn't remember it. Or maybe she TOLD him it was a mistake. Maybe she WAS trying to flirt and he deleted it? And even if he DID flirt back, flirting isn't always cheating, OP. You seem overly focused on her age. Most men do enjoy attention from younger women, if they are being honest, but that ALSO does not mean he is having an affair. At any rate, it was a picture of a chair? Why are you reacting THIS strongly to the point where you are crying in your words "hysterically?" and wanting to "run her over". I hope you can understand OP that whether this is purely innocent or not, your reaction is pretty extreme and unhealthy. I highly recommend that you speak to a therapist about all this. You don't actually have any proof of him cheating other than your own feelings and suspicions. So, back to you- WHY is this your immediate go to reaction? What has happened in your past that makes this incident (which sounds to me like a big nothing, honestly) this triggering for you? As far as someone else saying to bring in their HR dept. Do NOT do that under any circumstance. 1. It's not illegal to flirt, send pic to others (especially NON explicit pics of a CHAIR) or even to have an affair. 2. They (HR) cannot just confiscate or search your private property 3. If you tried to do this, OP- She could sue YOU, for defamation (especially if you tried to get her fired) and honestly, she would win. You say the damage is done. What do you mean? That regardless of what he says and total lack of concrete proof that he is cheating on you, you are just going to continue believing that he cheated? If you really don't trust him to THAT degree, why did you marry him? Do you think all men will eventually cheat? If so, maybe marriage isn't for you. We exist in a world in which any man you are with is going to have contact with people of the opposite gender. Can you honestly say that in your entire life you've never harmlessly flirted with someone at work? Just some things to think about. But no matter what, I really believe you should see a therapist. You clearly have some deeply rooted emotions that you need to learn to resolve. Regardless of your marriage, it's very unhealthy for you to have this level of anger for a virtual stranger, who has really done nothing to you.
  13. OP, You KNEW who he was and you married him anyway. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. You say you don't deserve this, and I agree that you don't- but at the same time- you keep forgiving him for something that is a deal-breaker for you- thereby saying thru your actions, that it is NOT in fact a deal-breaker for you. You frankly need to decide if it is or isn't. The fact that you felt the need to snoop shows that you don't trust him and you know that you can't trust him. You expected to find something. So while you may have forgiven him for the past, you clearly didn't forget. Do you honestly believe he is capable of change? This isn't a one time mistake, but a long term behavior. I'm sorry to say, but all those times you forgave him in the past, only showed him that you were willing to tolerate it and all he had to do was apologize in the moment and you would let it go until the next time. Therapy isn't a magic band aid for chronic behaviors. They are extremely challenging to break and often times they never do. Please do not have a child with this man. Men who are inclined to cheat only do MORE of it once a baby arrives, not less. Having a child will not fix your problems, only add to them. Your choices are clear- stay with him and understand he is likely to continue to cyber cheat on you for the remainder of your relationship. Or get a divorce and find someone who is honest and who defines cheating in the same way that you do.
  14. Oh OP, my heart just breaks for you. When someone is a different person after marriage- THAT is real person, now that they are comfortable. Too many people sadly think that after marriage, they don't have to "try anymore". This attitude of " Well now I have you, so that's that". Please know- THIS IS ABOUT HIM, not you. Please re-read that like ten times. He SAID it- He's afraid to be alone. It sounds like he is afraid to be alone- I.e. wants a woman around to do all the cooking and cleaning, but he isn't necessarily interested in a marriage about a loving partnership. I'm sorry to tell you that there are many people like this. You are not in a loving marriage. Your husband is being emotionally and psychologically abusive towards you. Please DO NOT bring a child into this situation. It will NOT fix anything, but only make things 100 X WORSE! You can love someone and still be incompatible with them, OP. Happens every day of the week. There's a big difference between having feelings for someone and being able to live with them on a daily basis. You can't even share your feelings without being worried about that setting him off. That's not healthy now and it won't be healthy 5, 10, 15 years from now. So yes, I think you should get divorced. At the VERY least, I think you should separate for now. Because, Whatever is going on with your husband, he needs help. If I were you, OP- I'd start packing and stay with family or friends and tell your husband- once you are SAFE- that he needs to get his act together. Verbally abusing you in front of friends or home alone while drunk is NOT okay. That's abuse and things can quickly escalate from verbal to physical. OP, no one ever WANTS to get divorced- I know that I didn't- but sometimes it really IS the healthiest option for everyone concerned. There's too much stigma on divorce even now. People always tell you to leave a DATING situation where someone is abusive, a JOB where someone is abusive, to cut off PARENTS or SIBLINGS that are abusive, so why NOT a SPOUSE if THEY are abusive? I implore you, OP, for your OWN sake. Please seek safety until your husband gets his act together at the VERY minimum. Nothing will ever improve in your marriage if he doesn't improve himself. This is NOT something you can "fix" alone, so please do not try.
  15. I want to give you a slightly different perspective. While I DO agree with the above posters that being fine and the ability to be happy without your spouse present 24/7 is a GOOD thing, but I want to focus in on a couple concerning things you said that I think are getting glossed over. I don't believe you should ignore your feelings that you were less stressed and more relaxed than you had been in your words- a long time. While I don't panic when my husband is gone, I do still miss him. It's normal over the long term to want some occasional space or feel ok when you are alone. However, to be there is a strong difference between that and feeling "free" when your spouse is gone which can be an indicator of something wrong. (Not necessarily a deal-breaker, but perhaps a nagging issue) Maybe this is you or maybe it isn't. Perhaps your romantic love for your wife is waning a bit. After all, you can still love someone and still have issues in the relationship. Do you feel your wife is controlling at all? Do you need to perhaps search for more alone time? The other thing that concerns me is when you said you were rushed with "memories and emotions"- be sure you aren't staying together for nostalgia reasons or fear of being alone. I still have some pleasant memories of my ex-husband, but divorcing was still the right thing to do. Not saying you don't love your wife or that it's a bad thing to feel ok when you alone, but I do think there are some red flags in here that perhaps would be wise to re-examine further. Even if you stay with your wife, perhaps there are some issue that need working on, based on what you wrote.
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