catfeeder

But wouldn’t that be ideal? You can love someone as a human being without feeling pressured to remain his partner. Some people are best loved from far away.

I hear. We've been taught from the time we were children to beware of 'stranger danger' without also being taught the skills and awareness to identify and handle potential risks inside our own social circles and even within our own homes. So lots of people grow to believe that violence must be 'random' in order to be real violence. It's also a mind twist because abusive people can be perfectly good people beyond that aspect of personality. They may be charming when they face the world, they may be loving and wonderful at the start of a relationship or even throughout most of a relationship. When the first explosion happens, it's a shock, and it's not believable. It may have seemed small enough to sweep under the rug. But the behaviors escalate if we don't recognize the immediate need to get away--and stay away. Not every life-changing injury or death was on purpose. When people lose self control, the life of anyone around them can change or end in the blink of a moment. Someone doesn't have to 'mean it' in order for danger to exist. I'm glad you are safe. This gives you the time and room to learn, to reflect and to heal.

A person doesn't need to be a villain in order to be a bad match for you. You've kept yourself on hold, stunting your own college experience, just for the false 'security' of having a boyfriend. But partnering with someone who's ambition and judgment are lacking doesn't exactly feel secure or inspiring, does it? You're learning the lonely and frustrating reality of parenting someone else's son. It's unfulfilling and depressing if you consider wasting the best years of your future on this path. Your mother is superimposing an old fashioned timeline for coupling and marriage over the realities of today, and you already know that taking her advice would make you miserable. I'd break up with the guy quickly to liberate him from his unmotivated plans for grad school. This would also free you to throw yourself into studies and parties prior to graduation, and hopefully you can learn how to have some fun before the semester ends. Avoid rolling straight into another relationship. Most people, no matter how wonderful they may be as human beings, are NOT the right partner for you. Grow comfortable solo, and this will teach you the confidence to screen out bad matches without trying to convert them into a relationship first. You will thank yourself when you strike simpatico with the right man for you. Head high, and feel free to write more if it helps.

I hope you'll reconsider feeling stung over a simple mistake. One person misstated that Kim was not willing to talk to the guy. That was never the case, but a few posters took that ball and ran with it, and the whole discussion ran off course. It happens, nobody's fault.

I'd decide that I'm worth far more than breadcrumbs. I'd just block him and shut him down on SM. Life is too short to waste yourself on hovering around for scraps from someone who doesn't love you. Skip that!

Sounds like the texts reach him when he's busy, but with phone calls he can position himself to be alone. Not everyone likes conversations over texts. Are you sure he's single? He might be with a date or partner when your texts come in.

Sounds like she may have started out interested and even invited the idea of meeting. But since it never happened, she became interested in someone she’s met in person. So now she’s not ready because she’s still learning where things are going with that guy. I’d let her know that you want to meet up next week. If she still isn’t ready, I’d tell her that she’s welcome to let you know if she’d ever like to meet, and if you’re still available then, maybe you can catch up together. Meanwhile, you’re stepping away while you both still think highly of one another, and you wish her all the best.

Why consider this guy to be the only man in the world and the only choice you have? With millions of men in the world, why waste yourself on a turd?

Nobody here can say what you 'should' do. I can suggest, however, a focus on the future you envision for yourself. Does it include being bound to a partner who can't share his resources with you because he's too indebted to paying child support. He also can't share his free time with you, because he's trying to catch up with each of his children. If you want this, then here you are. If not, consider why your relationship with this guy was already problematic, and that might help you to walk away.

Oh, dear, this is funny. It's a country so small, there might be someone who will recognize you... "Hay, that's Kim from down the street! I always thought she was a bit too friendly...." 🙂

Yes, it certainly does. I can also appreciate the scale of ups and downs you're going through with this thread, and I admire your strength for staying open to the comments. I also think you will recognize during a time less charged that Bolt is being tenacious because she cares, and she's drawing on her personal experience to help rather than judge. @boltnrun, I didn't catch the post you wrote about below. Would you mind providing the topic title? Thanks, Cat

Sure, if he scurries, he may just be in a hurry that day. Doesn’t mean he’s not open another time. I’m curious about this closed culture—what country is this? Every European or Scandinavian traveler I’ve known or read speaks of the generosity of the people, so I’m stumped to know whether it’s your culture that is cold, or whether that’s your personal perception through your lens of shyness? I live in a large complex with hundreds of units, and I’ve never met a neighbor who wasn’t happy, at some point, to share greetings and chats about their experiences, past or present, with work, pets, kids, travel, commutes, shopping, weather, moving, jobs or life in general. These topics are pretty universal, so I’m sure you’ll have no trouble drawing out some conversation with the new guy. Yay!

You’ve catalogued past disapprovals of your Mom, and you still don’t get that most of them wouldn’t have occurred had you not been all up in her face with your business. People tend to find fault with one who suffocates them. She’s equally at fault for the enmeshment, yet you allow her too much access to you because it’s easier than launching yourself out into the world to find fulfilling interests and friends and a lover on your own. You’re doing the same thing with your second job. You’ve lived years without one, but now that you can hold it up as your excuse not to broaden your social life, you cling to it and complain about it, exactly as you do with your family. Yet you want us to believe that it’s everyone else who victimizes you, even while you hold the keys to your own liberation. You just won’t take the steps to climb out of the hole you’ve dug for yourself by expanding your own life. And if Mom’s approval is what you’re after, then acting like a jealous infant is not exactly pleasing her, is it? Use this as a wake up call to decathect from your mother and minimize the importance of what she serves at her own table. Go out and teach young people how to cook or garden, go tend to animals in a shelter, go work in a soup kitchen, go do something useful and beneficial to feel proud instead of holing up in the habit of making yourself feel like a worm.

This would render the thing over for me. There's nowhere for it to go but worse.

Talk about extremes, you go from a guy too far to one who's too close. Don't sleep where you live!! (kidding...) I think now that you're aware of him, you'll recognize him whenever your paths cross in surrounding areas. You'll likely sense at any given time whether he seems open to quick chat or is more hurried. You'll build some familiarity over time, and I have faith in you for good judgment. EnjOy!

I love your story, FNO, and thank you for writing it here. Congrats on your baby. It sounds like you are doing the kind of work that is not only foundational for you, but in doing so, you're accessing the deep places that will make you a phenomenal and empathetic parent. I so hope you will continue commenting here. You have a gift.

If you can take a step back with some compassion, you might appreciate that your Mom wants to keep this woman close to avoid what she would view as 'losing' her son to her. She views this woman as a potential threat. You know, "...keep your friends close, and your enemies closer..." I would just regard this as a preview of the wonderful treatment your future fiancé will receive. Meanwhile, just calling you out for the martyr routine. You haven't 'given up' so much of your life for your family, you simply aren't interested enough in developing a happy social life beyond them--to the degree that your over-investment in them is unhealthy and stunting. But it's been your choice. You've said you love to cook. So? Make yourself and your Dad some 'real food' and bring it to family dinners as a generous contribution. Let Mom do what makes her happy, you do what makes you happy, and stop whining about your sister-in-law-ish. Your jealousy is unbecoming, and is serves no other purpose than to make you petty and miserable.

It's a continuation of what you played out during your developmental years, including your earliest and preverbal ones. It's the dance you learned to do, and it's your imprint for 'love'. It's ingrained, and certain unconscious vibes will resonate with you as your opportunity to continue the dance and have it play out better this time. It's looking for the win and confusing that with healing.

I'm so relieved to hear of your wise choice, RR. While I do believe that some people can change to varying degrees, when clarifying what is on the line, and it's your life, your person, the visions you hold for your future, and possibly those visions of your future child or children, I'm happy to know that you view all of this as far, far too valuable to gamble. While I've done some grant writing work for domestic violence agencies, my main area of focus was a drug and alcohol counselor training agency. I worked with many counselors who were, themselves, in recovery. One impressed me by commenting that she didn't view any biases about her past as societal punishment, but rather, she viewed her past behavior as having natural and lasting consequences. Regardless of the good works or reparations or length of time in recovery that any good person may perform or serve today, none of this erases the building blocks of one's past as though they were inconsequential. Some of those consequences are that they will clearly not make a good romantic partner for certain people. This can be for any number of reasons, but others do NOT bear a responsibility to pretend that this is not true. Head high, and I'm sorry the dating has been frustrating lately. A rest may do you wonders, and ya never know who you might meet. 🙂

Consider contacting the human services department of your local hospital, and ask for a referral to a case worker and any available experts or groups that offer counseling for domestic violence prevention. Between your need to leave your family and your premature move in with your BF, you may be an eligible candidate for help and resources that may help you to move to a safe place. My heart goes out to you, and please write more if it helps.

I wouldn't see him again. I've got plenty of friends, and I have no trouble making more friends with people who aren't trying to sleep with me.

I would make this less about him, less about 'proof,' and more about ME and how I want to live. I could not envision a future of carrying around a hard pit in my stomach because I already know that I can't bring myself to trust someone who has shown me his capacity for disloyalty. You do you, but I wouldn't stay in this thing for another minute.

Given that your paths must cross for work, I think you're making the right choice to nix the topic and stick to business. If she wants to raise the subject, she can do so. I went through a period of high stress and unforeseeable demands in my work life, and I needed to put a halt to dating during that time. She may have been legitimately interested in you, but after the second cancellation she may feel embarrassed and regard attempting to reschedule as futile. Not just because she credits you with self respect, but also because she's learned that her current work climate has made it impossible for her to promise that it wouldn't happen again. I don't raise this to excuse her, but rather to hopefully help you to feel less hurt. This stuff does happen, regardless of whether it 'should'.

Terrific! Thank you for the update and the great news.

I would leave the guy alone. Otherwise, are you ready and willing to explain to him that you told your family he raped you, and also notify your family that you are back to seeing this man? Unless you clarify your behavior honestly for the man and your family, you will cause a clash between them, and that would be on you. You'd be smart to leave this alone.