catfeeder

Two things. First, his comments reducing men to animals and women to prostitutes showed you exactly who he is--the opposite of healthy. I would've walked away at that point, but you went in with your eyes open. Then there's this thing with unhealthy people that deals with separation through rage rather than sorrow. I've seen it in lots of work sites where people are losing their jobs. They may have gotten along well for a decade or more, but the forced separation caused them to act out toward one another so they could part angry instead of sad. Same happens a lot between parents and adult children leaving the nest. The friction allows them to avoid the mixed, bittersweet emotions that they don't know how to handle. They can just get angry and view the other as a villain. It's what unhealthy people DO.

But why would this concern all this time later? What caused the sudden focus on this?

The problem isn’t just the sex, it’s her attitude toward you and your concerns, as though her position is the only one that matters—take it or leave it. There’s nothing ‘sweet’ about that.

I don't have the words to tell you how sorry I am that you went through this for all of those years--and afterward.

YES!!! Thanks for the great news.

We each set our own standards for what we want from a relationship. Mutual respect is usually high on most people's list. This means, if they are healthy, they would walk away from any relationship where disrespect is demonstrated and can't be addressed and resolved. If staying with this guy is more important to you than feeling respected by a partner, then here you are.

I don't think it makes sense in an open relationship to discuss the people outside the primary one. It sounds like the perfect way to unravel and sabotage the relationship. Not that I'm an expert, I think most relationships are complex enough without adding additional exploits, and then trying to pretend that it's honest to rub those in a partner's face. As though the only emotions allowed are unconditional support of another testing how well one can pretend to not be jealous. I don't see anything 'loving' about that.

Even if not, the fact that you don't feel able to trust him is what would pull the rug out from under me. Decide whether living with the constant fear of yet another lie being revealed is worth sticking around for a consequential one to give yourself permission to exit. Is that how you want to live? If these are your fertility years, do you want to invest them in someone you can't trust?

I think anyone who could document honestly if such a book has open pages without a 'diary lock,' then this already speaks of a marriage where a partner could be trusted not to snoop at the writing, given such a provocative title. If it's an online journal with a password, that would probably be more conducive to honest reflection. So what is your stake in this, are you trying to sell the book here?

It's probably common for people to reflect after they've fully immersed themselves in an experience. People who play sports do this all the time to take a more critical look at their performance. Same with entertainers or people who request 360° performance reviews on their job. Sounds like these women are running their self assessment by you. Another consideration is whether or not you are an 'active' listener. You can look up this term and incorporate more of it into your listening. Sometimes people believe that they are being polite by offering a silent floor to one who is speaking, but if the speaker can't read enough feedback from you, they might grow uncomfortable. Some people ramble in response to the discomfort, while others just wonder what you think about what they've just said. This might cause another to wonder whether they've spoken inappropriately.

One problem with idealizing crushes from the past is that those are fantasy-based, so no real, living, breathing person can complete with what you've created in your head. People who crush on celebrities have the same problem. One way to liberate yourself from locking your focus on this guy might be to trust that if he's some kind of 'meant-to-be deal, he'll be perfectly capable of tracking you down to catch up with you no matter how far forward you move. So just put that idea on your back burner so it can move out of your way. This allows for hope to remain accessible but occasional, rather than consuming your focus. From there, start challenging yourself every day to make as many baby steps as you can toward your own growth, development, and finding new interests and talents. Meet new friends based on these interests, and grow some passion about something beyond dating that makes you feel fabulous and proud. This will bring you to a new perspective from which you can date without the urgency of trying to recreate the fantasies that motivate you today. You will thank yourself.

I agree. As your wife has pointed out, complaining doesn't solve a problem. Negotiation does. If there is something specific you want from your wife, tell her what it is. Be willing to offer something of value to her in exchange for your request. Bribery and exchanging favors works for successful couples, while expecting a partner to read your mind is a set up for disappointment and hurt feelings. So get clear about what you want to ask, and then negotiate for it.

That was the best option. You've characterized yourself as a 'nice' guy in your prior thread, but it appears that you have not grasped what the responses tried to explain to you. 'Nice' does not describe your original message. It was obsequious and fawning. That's the kind of stuff that the nice guy who finishes last fails to understand about WHY he's been passed by. Self respect is the only way to earn respect from anyone else.

I would seek legal advice to avoid operating on emotions alone. Your child deserves support payments, and you deserve better than a stagnant life in limbo pining for a disloyal guy who jerks you around. Even if you 'win' him back, you'll lose, because he'll just ditch you again at any moment, and worse, blame YOU for that. The guy is full of manure.

You've had 2 years to clear the ambiguity by negotiating with your ex. You chose not to do so, and he took it upon himself to move out of the stagnant limbo that cohabitating created. While I can understand your feelings, I can't understand your passivity. The last thing I would do is ask someone who's broken up with me to remain in my home. You opted to put your own life on hold--and for what purpose? Proximity is not a commitment. The commitment ended 2 years ago, and you did nothing to extend the olive branch that might have changed that. it is not disloyal of him to end the stalemate.

Challenge yourself to go visit your parents more often. If you have flexibility at work, then you can overnight there, yes? You already sense the 'why' behind your behavior, so complete the loop by resolving the problem. From there, you can freely agree to visit your partner's Mom whenever it doesn't interfere with your own plans to visit your own parents.

Somebody mixed up names over a year ago. What, exactly, is causing you to obsess about it today?

What, exactly, do you want wife to do that she is not doing? Or, what do you want her to stop doing?

Exactly. When the goal of meeting is to learn enough about a person to date him, and the goal of dating is to learn whether he'd make a good partner, then preemptively asking someone to alter their behavior in order to hide this information from you makes no sense. If someone were to present to me as attractive and aligned with my goals and we really hit it off--and then he asks me if I'd like to do a line of coke with him? Of course I'd be disappointed, but I'd be so glad to have dodged that bullet early! And, I wouldn't be concerned about whether doing drugs was 'normal' in his social circle, or mine.

It’s not ‘wrong’ to have your own priorities in a relationship, but then your goal is to find a partner who aligns with those. Someone who dismisses your attempts to negotiate with her on this by telling you it’s not important to her is basically saying she’s a lousy match for you. Dating is about screening out bad matches to make room in your life for a good match. So if you want to waste your time spinning your wheels to try to make someone want what she doesn’t want, good luck with that.

I’m on the fence about this. It’s kind of like warning someone to conceal their agenda. I’d rather let someone show me who they really are—early.

Sounds coincidental, maybe because you're engaging more men at a time, so it feels like a sudden cluster-F? You'd likely have encountered this from these particular men, anyway, had you met them over a longer period of time. So the good news is, you can allow this to be a way for the wrong men to screen themselves out. You don't have to do a thing but block them. I think @Jaunty might be onto something about the pandemic shutdowns. That period may have 'normalized' this. Add to that, this is not a generation that grew up ogling tame airbrushed pics in printed magazines like prior generations. They've had early access to any kind of porn you can think of--or can't even imagine--dominance, violence and kink. This stuff was their 'teacher' about sex. Another recent trend is the highest percentages of women flooding colleges and becoming successful, and they aren't willing to 'date down'. They're all in competition for the smaller margin of equally educated and successful men. So those guys don't need to try so hard. The 'price' of sex has been reduced from marriage in the 50's, or 3 expensive dates in the 80's, to today--it can be one lazy text in the middle of the night, "You up?" I hope you'll maintain your private standards and won't allow yourself to be peer pressured away from those. You're not looking for a mass market, you're seeking only one 'right' man. Head high!

Good. When you can become comfortable with the outcome of 'nexting' guys who aren't a good match, you might find yourself more willing to focus your vetting on shared goals, values, interests, intelligence and humor, and less on appealing images. Lots of people don't photograph well but can be outright gorgeous when you meet them. OR, as in cases where I've crushed on professors or charismatic men at work, they aren't even good looking, but there is just something about them that can wow you in person. So finding yourself willing to roll the dice over a simple cup of coffee can start to feel comfortable and enjoyable, regardless of outcomes. I tend to view connecting human-to-human as a gift, whether it's an old couple in a grocery store or a great guy in a cafe, nothing is ever wasted. It just doesn't add up to large quantities of romantic prospects. But you're not looking for a mass market, you're looking for ONE. If love were not rare, what would be so special about it?

I agree. There isn’t a person alive who I’d allow to dictate the topics or frequency of my communication with my own mother. If she were to say or do something to radically overstep the privacy of my partner, I would apologize to him and assure him that I will handle it. If he didn’t trust me to do so, he wouldn’t be my partner. Same in reverse for him handling his own family. Common sense means that each partner handles their family in ways that preserve the in-law relationships and don’t vilify the partner.