My fiancé (30F) and I (31M) have a great relationship. We started dating in mid-2022, got serious quite quickly, and everything since has been awesome -- I enjoy everything we do together -- even small little household tasks -- we love each other's friends and family (mostly), and I can't imagine life without her. We share tons of interests, have the same values and desires related to religion, children, and other key elements. My background was a bit different from hers -- this is my first serious relationship while she has had several -- and I honestly didn't think I could love someone else as much as I do her. Unfortunately, we've been having very consistent, basically weekly, patterns of massive fights all related to one topic: my mom.
My background has definitely contributed to this: only child, parents still married but don't love each other and fight all the time (and did throughout my childhood). Both of my parents care more about me than they do about each other, and they often times come to me with their problems. I have always felt a sense of obligation to see them regularly, which I've learned lately is bad, but I also do value seeing my parents often from my own wants. Spending my 20s essentially as single the whole time, I made the problem worse by maintaining a close relationship with them -- seeing them for dinner weekly, moving back in for a year while on a house search, and regularly going on vacations with one or both of them.
I won't divulge a whole lot from her background, but I will say she had siblings, there was and is a bit of "conditional love" in play with her parents, and there are reasons for me to believe she has a big fear of abandonment.
We really didn't fight at all until this last summer, when some boundary issues came up with my mom that I was previously oblivious to. A few examples being giving her sister a tour of our house and telling us afterwards (I actually did find issue with this one immediately), telling us when she was stopping by to drop something off instead of asking if she could, altering plans to have our dog go with her and my cousin to our cabin for a weekend as opposed to at the cousin's house, etc. I didn't see some of these issues at first, but I did address each one with my mom and started setting boundaries, though my fiancé would have preferred for me to come down much harder and more direct. Regardless, no boundaries that we set have been violated again after setting them.
Her main thing is she thinks I prioritize my mom over her, which to me is totally wrong and not the case at all considering how much I think about her and do for her. I do try to say that I still want to see my parents often because I value being close with them, which seems to come off sometimes like I am loyal to them over her.
Recently though, we've gotten into large fights over things that I simply just disagree with. A few examples: sending our flight number on a recent trip for peace of mind, setting boundaries about how my parents can use their cabin while we are up there visiting, and calling her bridal shower simply a "shower." Last night, we had another big fight: we had agreed that neither of our parents would have access to the guest list or table assignments for the wedding, but my mom came to me twice on Sunday with two different people who had reached out to her about our wedding. Her family member was wondering if he Save The Date went to the wrong address (it did) and her friend was wondering if their kids received invitations (they did not). I responded to each, my my fiancé is now upset that I didn't tell her not to be soliciting questions on our behalf and is upset that I think my parents should have the ability to ask if someone did or did not receive an invite. I simply disagree -- I think parents have a need and a right to know that info if they ask.
We're seeing a couple's counselor to sort this out, which helps somewhat, but it almost seems like discussing when she isn't actively angry doesn't accomplish a whole lot, because we agree on a lot when things are calm. My frustration is that I don't like fighting, I honestly don't trigger the fights that occur, and I rarely raise my voice. She gets angry to the point of making personal insults, threatening to leave, slamming doors to the point of breaking them, and most concerningly, throwing a wine glass near where I was standing. It's painful as hell.
I don't even know what I'm asking for now that I've written this massive post -- maybe simply advice or thoughts on how to proceed forward? Is there more stuff from my past causing this that I am oblivious to? Do I need to communicate better?
