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Found 13 results

  1. So, I finally mustered enough courage to do the talking and break up, after weeks of thinking about it. As I really don't know hiw he will react, I'd like if you could give me advice on where and when to actually do it. He will never become aggressive, but I think he may be hurt and emotional. So I thought maybe to do it before his driving class, as he's going there with his friend and he will have someone to be there for him. Also, should I do it in a cafe or outside somewhere, as his and mine places are not an options? Keep it short or go into explaining? (this is my first boyfriend and breakup so I really don't know what to do, hope you can help me)
  2. Hey, I hope everyone is doing well. Let me get straight to the point. My ex and I broke up last January, 16th January 2022 to be exact (what a way to start 2022 right) we’ve dated for 9 months and during that period of time, we were happy, I was happy. But everything turned down hill all of sudden. It’s been almost 2 months and it still stings. There’s a void in my heart every time I think about him. Everything reminds me of him and I keep looking for ‘him’ in someone else. The pain isn’t as bad as before but I still feel empty. I have never been like this before. It usually takes a short time for me to forget someone and I don’t know how to deal with this one. I’m scared it’ll take me a very long time to move on while he lives his life peacefully. Any advice on how should I completely let go of him and our past memories? Thank you, x.
  3. i dont even know where to begin, but my life is so ***ed up now , im seriously thinking about killing myself. honestly , i think that this is as bad as it gets and i dont think it will ever end. it all started in march last year, well i guess it started way way way before, but when *** got really bad it was in march. so , i got out of a toxic relationship, man this woman cheated on me, was an alcoholic, drug addict , she always took off and wouldnt come home, she started fights , would call the police constantly and was just chaotic , this woman is my childs mother. so our relationship came to an end at year 8 , after she left me for the second guy. i tried bettering my life , i went to finish my schooling for my trade. i had money in my account for the first time in 8 years, honestly my life was going up , way up. well there was only one thing either then our child connecting me to my ex, it was the power bill, my name was on it, but she wouldnt pay the bill, even if i gave her money , so it kept going into collections and was ruining my credit , so she got mad when the bill was up to 700 dollars, i told her i would pay half of it, because she actually told me she was taking my name off of it, and i asked her why she wasnt paying it when i sent her money, she said she needed the money for other things , basically made up some lie. so she got mad , really mad that i didnt want to pay the whole bill and i was only willing to pay half. 3 days later i was arrested for child abuse with guns! she called social services on me, and literally dropped a 20 page report on me and basically framed me, the police arrested me with out even investigating and put me in jail for 4 days. so i had to spend 4000 dollars on a lawyer to get me out. then my exes sister found out what she was doing, and they got into a fight. a violent fist fight. so my ex charged her sister, but there was video proof of my ex attacking her sister. then she used that fight as an excuse to run off with my youngest daughter for 6 months. so i had no choice to get a family lawyer, which costed me 35000 dollars. imagine trying to get joint custody while having child abuse gun charges pending! then my lawyer gets appointed judge. so i had to get a new lawyer. which costed me 11000 dollars. im currently in school doing my last 4 weeks , and i have 3 trials i have to attend, 2 next week and one on march first. now my ex is accusing me of choking my 5 year old. she also accused me of talking bad about her new boyfriend to our child, i didnt even know she had a boyfriend, i didnt even know he was living in my childs home for almost 2 years! the accusations or endless. the harassing texts are endless. i even went to the police to try and get them to stop her , but they refused because we have a child. i showed them the texts , i showed them the accusations. i even showed them all the times ive asked her to stop, and they told me to just block her. and find a middle person. this *** has gotten so far out of control. she is literally ruining my life and she wont stop, i havent even argued back once with her, i have never done anything malicious to her. i have been trying to just stay away from her , but it seems like she just wont stop. she wont stop until im locked up and she has the freedom to run off with my child permanently. honestly , i think im done with this ***ing world here read the texts n see how she talks to me <>
  4. hey, I hope you’re all doing well because I’m clearly not. my boyfriend of 9 months just broke up with me last Sunday. he told me that he is not in a position where he would be able to split his focus between his career and relationships. we’re coming from an Asian family. most of Asians elders are very conservative. both of my ex’s parents have established a good career whilst my ex (a 23yo) male hasn’t found a permanent job yet. he told me that he was insecure of me and his friends and he felt bad for me because he’s been so busy lately, we argued a lot too these days and he told me that I deserve something better than what we had together. he told me he’s still in love with me but he didn’t want us to force our relationship. he once told me that he still wished that we would end up together again one day, somehow. is it bad that I’m still hoping for that? i told him I would wait for him but he told me not to. he wanted to put some distance because he couldn’t promise me anything at the moment. I don’t understand. why did he have to give up when I told him I was fine with everything? he said he loves me but why gave up?
  5. Hello... I'm 34y old and I met a very cool and beautiful 31y old girl on a dating website, I really liked her a lot but I was emotionally unavailable due to my previous relationship, I was with a crazy person who were telling lies all the time, menacing me of suicide etc... I lost tons of weight, could not eat because of this bad person... So when I met this new girl, I let her know about the crazy relationship i had before, and I told her that I was feeling "empty" and needed time.. We started our relationship and It was awesome at first, we both loves anime, manga, movies etc... after a few months she even talked about our futur etc (and in my head I though It was kinda fast to talk about this). Well months passed but i still had some issues, "feeling empty" I wanted to be alone the week and wanted to see her only on week-end... (She didn't like that, and I agree with her). I was still feeling empty, and she was telling my stories that didn't help me like : "I got rid of my best friend because she said that and that, I got rid of this person too, My mother is lucky to be my mother because i'd like to get rid of her too, I got rid of the guy because he did that and that." She got also very angry at me one day because she was waiting for me in her car and i came 15mins late, she was really really upset that it almost killed our day. I was thinking to myself "wow, If I open myself too much, and she get rid of me..." Wasn't helping me AT ALL... And after 6 months, she decided to get rid of me lol ^^ We had an argument about a silly joke I made, I like to make jokes all the time and she said "too much jokes, not enough of love", saying jokes is sometimes a way to get closer to the people I appreciate, but it's another story. She said my jokes are getting annoying, I don't show enough and I don't see her enough, and we always pay half/half at the restaurant... I did my best to show her my regret, I told her I'll change, i bought her a gift, I said that I don't want to loose her, that I love her, I kissed her hands (I cried too, It's bad I know) but no... She said we should remain friends because she doesn't want to cut contact because she likes me... After 2 weeks chasing her, she didn't even want to see me in person she said she was not ready, so I said "ok I give up" she replied "ok 😞 sorry to be annoying, wish you the best" and she deleted me everywhere... I tried NC for 10 days and came back she replied to me but it was a bit cold, I tried NC again for 10 days more, came back, I just said that I was thinking about her and wanted to say hello she replied "oh 🙂 " "you can come saying hello anytime you want to", then we talked a bit, about some series on netflix, but it was just being polite, I was saying 3 sentences she was replying two words... So I stopped talking and i'm back in NC for 10 days now... and I feel bad again, I miss her... After all this chasing, i'm thinking myself that I should leave her alone and see if she decides to give another try with me later, but since she left because I was "neglecting" her, I always feel I should try to show my interest more and more... She is a military, and a VERY stubborn person, if many people tell her a movie is good she won't see it just to do the opposit of what people think lol If i still have a slim chance, what should i do ? trying again or let her go ? thanks...
  6. I have been dating a girl for about half a year, and lately I have been wondering whether the relationship between us is healthy and if it should go on. The reasons why I think I should breakup are: 1. I feel that I am attracted to other girls more than to her 2. We don't have enough things in common. We like different music\series\movies\food\books\... We also have different taste in things. 3. We have different lifestyles, I am an engineer, I like to read books, learn things, I always look for ways to improve my life and have a better future. and she spends most of her time with friends, or watching TV, or just spending time doing nothing at home. 4. Sometimes I feel she is needy The reasons why I think I should keep the relationship: 1. She is really a very good person, she cares about me, and loves me too much 2. I feel she is very loyal to me On one hand, I feel I should breakup, on the other hand, I am afraid to regret this. I would appreciate any advice you can give. Thanks
  7. I'm in the thick of trying to make sense of things after being dumped 2 weeks ago. Of course having the common issues with closure and accepting the rejection. I'm hoping that writing my situation out will help me process and hearing from others might also provide some comfort in my time of need. I started dating this 34(M) back in January 2021. He worked in data analytics, super smart, super educated, good nerdy type. (We dated for a total of 5 months and the last month was a long drawn out breakup) We met on Hinge and we had a pretty great first date. He was really into me it seemed. ALOT. I wasn't quite at that level just because I wasn't initially physically attracted to him. (However, I'm 30 and looks just aren't what I'm looking for now days at least not one of the main factors and I just really wanted to take things slow.) I wanted to do this differently this time 'round. He wasn't the usual type of guy I go for-- but I've realized over the past year that I have been single that I need to open my heart and eyes to other possibilities, personalities and people different than my go to. To be quite frank the really good looking ones just have really ***ed me over in the past. He had a lot of great qualities and I grew to become more and more attracted to him. In the first month I was a little taken back by the amount of interest he had in me and the level of priority and his availability overall. Not something I was used to at all. It scared me a little. I was on the fence whether I truly met a diamond in the rough or if this guy was love bombing me, or being super co-dependent. I will say we both come from a past. He came from a marriage that ended about 4 years ago where his ex wife apparently cheated on him on their honeymoon. 😮 I also came from a 3 year relationship about a 1.5 years ago who had cheated on me and done lots of shady ***. We both are very pro-therapy/working on mental health and identifying our roles in the past relationships we've had and really working on ourselves to heal that trauma. Over the course of the 5 months we would see each other 1-2 times a week, but talk/text everyday. The past year has been tough on me work wise because I really struggled to find something that I was really passionate about and one that didn't require me to work remotely due to COVID. I had accepted a job in January 2021, however it came apparent that it really wasn't something I wanted to do, so I was looking for something else in April 2021, interviewing here and there. My ex knew I was interviewing but I never really revealed how much I despised the job and literally wanted to quit everyday. I mean we had just started dating and I didn't want him to think I'm a quitter/unemployed. WELL.........the day came and I quit before accepting a new job. I didn't tell him I quit my job. I just wasn't comfortable revealing that information at the time. (Would you feel comfortable revealing to a NEW romantic partner that you REALLY liked, that you were a crappy relationship candidate? (in terms of being unemployed at the time) (again I hold a decent amount of my worth tied to my job, not ideal/balanced--I'm aware of that and trying to work on my identity being more than my job. However, I do think it's hard in today's overall culture -- "hustle culture" and "extreme productivity mindset" Well that proved to obviously not be the best thing because on the next few occasions we hung out I ended up drinking more than usual because I was hiding from the shame and guilt of being unemployed. For just a few hours I didn't want to think about it. Being unemployed is stressful and I know I'm not the only one out there that has experienced that type of "unemployment depression" if you want to call it. I feared telling him because I thought he'd leave me. In my mind my self confidence and self esteem was pretty low (as I hold a lot of my identity through what I do for work)--I really shamed myself and put him on a pedestal. Mind you, he never brought up me getting drunk the first time as an issue or that it bothered him. We never had established any conversation or boundaries around drinking. After the second occurrence where I drank more than usual (which was on a holiday/memorial day) the next morning I knew something was wrong......he didn't text like he usually did in the morning and I apologized remorsefully for maybe embarrassing him. Apparently, he was super super super hurt by it. He proceeded with a cold text toward me saying he needed to process what happened. When he sent that, my alarm bells went off and it triggered me into "fear of abandonment" mode. (I know I'm still in therapy to work on that) Nonetheless, it was something that put me into a downward spiral/self - fulfilling prophecy that he was indeed going to leave me. I gave him some space and asked if he would call me when he got a chance as I wanted to talk about this and have a discussion. Well.... he never called me or asked to see me later. Or the next day, or the next day, or the next week. I finally revealed to him over text that I had quit my job and that my behavior was due to my extenuating circumstances and trying to do my best in my time of uncertainty with employment. (I'm still trying to understand how I hurt him so much by having a few drinks (and on a holiday) -- please understand I am not an alcoholic. My friends and family can vouch for that) I just had a few bad days where I was really feeling crummy about my situation. You might think that one you really care about and really like would show understanding and compassion toward a circumstance like this --- maybe feel more concern in ways to console those thoughts/feelings rather than throwing them back in your face. Unfortunately, THIS did not play in my favor by telling him the TRUTH. He eventually told me at the end of a long excruciating break-up month of him processing his feelings after I told him that---Well, He just couldn't get past the fact that I lied to him and hid that from him. He revealed that He's been lied to by friends, family, ex-partners, and that it hurts. He said, "All I've known is hurt" he went on to ask me "Why?" Why me, MiKayla?" "What did I do to you?" "What did I do to you to make you think I would leave" I apologized remorsefully over the course of the month. I sent an edible arrangement to him, I sent long chain texts messages trying to convince him to trust me and that the reason I lied and hid that from him was simply due to my own embarrassment and insecurity. This was not something that I was trying to intentionally inflict pain onto him or out of malice. I told him I wanted to fix this. "What can I do to fix this?"..... Days went by where he said he wanted to see me and talk this through, but then when it came down to it and I planned for it and expected to see him......he would ghost me and wouldn't hear a word from him the rest of the day/night. I'm brokenhearted....because I feel I truly lost a good one due to my stupid mistake and it hurts because I feel he's projecting all his hurt from his past relationships on me and I don't get a second chance to prove myself. Some of my friends say that he will continue to have issues if he shuts down every time a prospective lover makes a mistake. It's like as soon as things got serious/ there happened to show a little bit of conflict he ran. He ran fast......and I'm left feeling so confused and hurt because I fell for this person and I was blindsided by this. I wish we could have talked about this in person/on the phone since we were involved in each others lives for almost 6 months. I feel so unheard and unseen by him-- I never thought the one person I truly thought had strong feelings for me, understanding and compassion, just decided that morning that he never wanted to see or talk to me in person again. It ***ing hurts so bad. I really fell for him, I wanted to communicate with him and talk this through. I wanted to learn more about him, understand him more, be there for each other in hard times and at the 5 month mark I couldn't help but think of more in the future with him. So I'm grieving those expectations/once potential future..... Is it just me or is he having some really strong opinions to some small issues? (I didn't lie about being married, having children, or cheating)....Then again I am aware a lie is a lie..... I guess we could also just chalk it up to the 'ole, "He just wasn't that into you" and that's that...... move on..... He's just really made me feel like *** about this whole thing.....One of the last texts messages I got from him was, "This isn't just an issue between you and I MiKayla, but, rather how do I not bring this into future personal/intimate relationships in the future?" --Ouch..... I guess I really really did him dirty.
  8. Hey, ENA. Welcome to part one of the new PDN5 series called "shouting into the void about his past and present problems." For context, I am a 26-year-old man. Relationship Problems and Break-Up I broke up with a long-term girlfriend (23 F), call her R, almost three months ago. Things with R were not going well. Here is why. Problems. Views on Children. I was originally open to children when entering my relationship. R really wanted/wants biological children: that became apparent we got to know each other better, and especially in the last several months. (Of course, that's totally okay). I started going to therapy for our relationship problems last December. During the course of that therapy, my therapist and I realized that there was a complex moral issue that was causing me mental turmoil. I likely didn't want to accept it because I knew it probably would affect or end the relationship. Essentially, for moral reasons, I realized I should not have biological children. After I came to terms with this and told R, we stayed together for a while - maybe a month or two - but it affected us, and eventually, I knew that would likely remain an irreconcilable difference. COVID-19 Restrictions. R was very, very, very worried about the pandemic - at their core, the worries were for good reason, because some of her family were at greater risk of serious illness. I tried to work within her parameters, but they became unreasonable and began to affect our relationship. To illustrate how far it went, it became tough to see even my small immediate family because, if I did, I would not see my girlfriend for two weeks. That extended to responsible friends, even while outside, 1-1. While I've been a responsible citizen of the world during this pandemic, I am an independent guy who likes his freedom. Additionally, I haven't always gotten along with my immediate family so well. We are in a good place now, for the first time in my life. I really value them, so knowing there would be consequences put an unfair strain on seeing them. (I tried to be reasonable - "Hey, R, let's go and wear masks the whole time?"). Eventually, hope was on the horizon because the vaccines were coming out. But then - she was fearful of all of the vaccines, too. She believed without any scientific basis (she has a degree in a natural science, so this was surprising) that there was a substantial chance that the vaccines would cause fertility issues. So, not only were all of those limitations on my seeing others becoming unreasonable and difficult, but I also saw no end in sight to them. It became too much. Sex and Communication. Though I try to be a giving partner in this department, R eventually stopped giving earnest effort here. It felt like sex was for her benefit mostly. In many cases that is okay - I am a giving partner - but I don't like feeling neglected or not working together in this department. I communicated concerns to her, but doing so just seemed to make a difference once and then the habits would continue. Intuitively, I chalk it up to being interested in different things sexually - perhaps she obliged my interests for a while. No one's fault, just incompatible here. Misc. Communication was not easy. She would not let me support her as a partner, i.e., help her with tasks like resume/applying for jobs (I help a lot of my friends with resumes, usually with success) or driving (she was for most of our relationship without a driver license - in her early 20s. Early in our relationship, she hid this fact from me out of embarrassment, but when I wondered why she was always having me or her parents driving her around, she eventually told me. I only wanted to be a supportive partner and help - she should be able to drive to see me on occasion instead of parents dropping her off). For the second half of the relationship, I paid for everything: food, dates, gifts. I understand I had a job and she was not in a steady job, but once in a while doing something like picking up McDonald's for us would have been nice. She often acted spoiled or child-like: it at times felt like I had a daughter instead of a partner. Probably as a result, I often felt uncertain and anxious about the relationship. When I sit down to really think about it, there were so many problems. Due to past experiences where I left the relationship too early instead of fighting for it, I now believe in fighting for the relationship with best efforts... but perhaps I let the pendulum swing too far the other way this time. The Break-Up. There were many other problems (see misc.), but the first three above were the primary deal-breakers. The break-up was the most belligerent and perhaps infantile that I've ever had. When I sent the "we need to talk"-esque message, R refused to meet in-person (even with double-masks, six feet apart), and so I eventually had to do it over the phone (which felt awful - like I was back in high school). While on the phone, she immediately claimed I was heartless for breaking up with her days after a friend of her younger brother's had died. I did know that there had been a death - her younger brother's friend and classmate - but intuitively in my conversations with her I was not aware that this had hit close to the home for the entire family. I asked for details in days past, and R actively told me that she did not think it was appropriate to share details with me, so we did not talk about it further and I did not pry. I had not honestly gotten the impression that this was more than a person the family had known / the brother's friend and were vaguely sad about. During that accusation of being heartless, she described the gory details to me about this decedent 13-year-old's tragic suicide and how the family was going to essentially have a grieving session that night - and impliedly I was sending a broken-up daughter back to that family. That made me feel horrible. Obviously, if a family member had passed away, I would not have ended the relationship for some time out of respect/care for R. My therapist said describing the gory details of a child's suicide and blaming me for being heartless after her previously withholding that information was manipulative. Still, I profusely apologized and felt terrible. In hindsight, I wonder if it was an exaggeration, but either way I wish that would have gone down differently. As the phone conversation went on, R accused me of being unfaithful/cheating, which wasn't true. She said also that I always messaged other women when she was over, which was not true (that would be rude - I don't do that and I'm not sure where she got that). She criticized me for my choice of friends and therapist. She further claimed I had bad timing for breaking up around my birthday/holidays. Ok, that one was probably true, seeing as we broke up on April Fools' Day. (ok so she has a point there). Anyway. Eventually the long conversation was over. We returned items a few weeks later. It was cold, but perhaps to be expected. A few weeks afterward, without using my name, she called me a narcissist and awful boyfriend on Facebook. That really hurt. My whole extended family saw it. She did not respond to me confronting her about it - she probably has me set to “ignore” on everything. At least the family was good-natured about it. My grandpa, jokingly: "well, we know you are a narcissist, but why is she posting about it!!" Thanks, Grandpa, lol. It has now been almost three months since the break-up. Admittedly, though I miss her and the relationship sometimes (and, those experiences hold a place in my heart: we had history spanning over two years), I think all signs before the break-up and especially afterward point to that I made the right decision. Moving Forward – Dates & Misc. It has been approximately three months since the break-up. I do not feel like I am clinging onto my past relationship: I had tossed and turned for months prior to breaking up. I do not feel heartbroken: I feel like I made the right decision. However, there is now an empty void where love and the satisfaction of being a good, faithful partner used to be. Dates So Far. I have not yet found a partner, but I've so far gone on dates with two different people. An attractive acquaintance and I had been having more conversations. She eventually asked me to go running with her at a local trail while she biked alongside. It was fun - she was nice, but she mentioned that she wanted kids and I didn't feel a major spark or connection. So, the conversations have mostly fizzled out. Recently, out of the blue, a love interest, call her K, asked me out to brunch. It sounded like a date and I assumed she and her boyfriend had broken up (not listed on Facebook, etc.). We've seemingly almost always had mutual interest in one another but have been single at different times (and I know previously she mentioned she might want to adopt but not have kids - bingo). We also competed in ballroom dance together and we are quite good. I like her quite a lot. I was excited for the date. I arrived. Not to be rude, but while I do and always have found her very attractive, it looked like she didn't put in any effort to get ready, while I definitely had. Shortly after arriving, she mentioned that she is still dating her boyfriend. Oof. The resulting conversations were… superficial? We talked about ostensibly deep topics, but it still felt superficial - maybe on account of me feeling guarded that she was still dating someone. She mentioned that her boyfriend and her fight a lot, so while I was puzzled why she asked me to brunch, maybe it was (1) just a friendly meet-up, (2) an ego-boost because her relationship isn't going well, or (3) a low-interest or testing the waters meet-up. I sent a polite “thanks for brunch – it was nice seeing you :)” text shortly after getting back home. She was evasive/non-responsive. Who knows what that was about - kind of confusing. It makes me think maybe she thought the conversation was superficial or forced, too. Whatever it was, I know I should not pursue her, because she is in a relationship. Still, that was a major let-down. FWB. I am in a non-public FWB with someone. We see each other occasionally – maybe once every two weeks. She is also in professional school. She's a great person, but at the moment we both only want to be friends and occasionally hook up because our sexual interests coincide. I would rather be in a relationship with someone, so it's just a meantime thing. Limits to Meeting New People & Dating Apps. Last, I want to meet people, but (1) the hopefully subsiding pandemic still limits available social events (esp. at my University (law school): speaking candidly, Zoom does not bring out my good side. I do not think I will make a connection over Zoom), and (2) dating apps, including this time around, seemingly just do not work for me. Though I feel I am charming in person, I just don't have that ~~~~pizzazz~~~~ that the men who get matches seem to have. So, if I can't get matches, I do not get dates. If I do not get dates, I do not get to be charming in person. Then I do not make that possible connection. Worries. I am especially concerned given the fact that at this time, I do not want to have biological children. I am worried that that severely narrows my potential dating pool by a lot. I would need to date someone with whom not only do I feel a connection or spark, but also one who is (1) undecided/open to children or (2) also does not want children. ____ I am not sure what I am looking for by posting this. I am lonely and worried about the future. Perhaps, all these topics are in the back of my mind. Maybe just shouting at the void was good for me, or maybe someone might have an insight or some words of encouragement. Thanks for reading. 🙂
  9. I posted a previous question on here a few months ago. Shortly after, my boyfriend (28) and I (34F) had an argument because the level of his respect and commitment to our relationship deteriorated significantly even just in the past few weeks. we took a break but it just seemed like he was using his space to drink more -So I ended up breakup up with him and I told him he needed to try and work on himself because the things that were happening were hurting us both. He agreed and said he would finally get help (he's been depressed and has had PTSD for over a year), and that he wanted to remain friends because he didnt want to lose me and he cares about me so much. I agreed. I have an immense amount of compassion for him because I KNOW this is not who he is. The feelings he has about this past situation that happened to him are controlling his life and he even admittedly will tell me that if those things didnt happen to him, that EVERYTHING would be different with us. And that he knows its why his life is the way it is. Well, he continued to call me everyday - I never reached out to him first - he asked to hangout, which we did. It seemed like he had been making some positive changes - like not drinking as much. But he still wasn't ready to go to therapy or a doctor. Well, this last time that we hung out we were out with some friends and a guy came and started chatting with me - to which my ex came up and said " dude that's my girlfriend". We ended up staying the night together because he didnt want to be at my place alone that night (it was storming). But in the morning it felt like things changed again. I asked him what he was feeling about the space and about us (it had been over a month so I thought it was ok for a check in). And he said, well it feels like its dragging on. And I said do you want to start working on things, to which he said "I don't know what we'd be working on". He said that he had fallen out of love with me and that I was smothering him, because I would get upset if he didnt call me one night or if he commented on another girls looks, or wondered where he was going. But then why does he keep calling, why does he keep pursing me? Why does he still want to be friends? Can depression make you feel like you've fallen out of love? I KNOW that he loved me, and even just a few weeks ago he was saying that he wanted to try and get better so we could be together. He also says that he just feels cold and numb. He can't find joy in anything and he has so much anger about previous events (not with me but back in his hometown). Im having a hard time understanding WHY. Has anybody had previous experiences that might be similar with a depressed partner?
  10. If this is posted in the wrong way or in the wrong section im sorry, just made this account. BACKROUND This is my first time ever going to the internet for advise from strangers but I feel I am in such a position that I don't really have anyone else to turn too for advice. Will leave a TLDR at the bottom if this gets really long. So about 4 months ago I started going out with this girl I had met on bumble, we had just both very recently exited relationships mine a 3 year LDR that ended cuz of covid, and her a 9 month local relationship. Both where the longest relationships each of us had ever had. When we started dating at first things where very slow and casual, it was clear she was still healing from her last relationship so I made every effort to make sure she always felt comfortable and never pressured. {{For a little back round on her she is 18 just finished highschool, has a bit of a precarious past with lots of failed past relationships and a bit of a self described "Hoe-phase" (her words not mine). Her last relationship fell apart because she had cheated on him in the first 2 months of their relationship and at 9 months he just called her over randomly to call it quites.}} THE BREAK UP (most important) Anyways getting back on track, in the beginning she was talking about her ex all the time but it slowly lessened until lately she barely mentions him at all. We had a really good time together, she was always coming over to my house, we went on a ton of fun dates, and about 2.5 months in during sex she told me that she loved me. We had a discussion about us at that point and the understanding was we where exclusive but she still did not consider me her boyfriend officially though she would casually offhand call me it sometimes. She was always telling me how much she didn't deserve me, how no guy had ever treated her with so much compassion and apparently I was the only guy she could fall asleep in the arms of. Things where going great we had plans to go to Joshua tree in June and Hawaii in July. Last week though she came over one night was cuddling me and randomly told me she wanted to break up. When i asked why she said "I went into my last relationship with a broken leg after cheating in the beginning and I don't want to do that again. Right now I don't know if Im at a party or something and a hot guy hits on me if I would say no. I had no time after I broke up with my ex to have space and time to heal. I don't know what will be going on in my life in the immediate future but I need some time to find myself again. I want to come back to you in the future though. I want to be with you and do all the things we talked about but not until I know i can commit to you. Im not doing this to just go out and date/*** though Im doing this for us so that I can be ready for you one day. Im not even going back on bumble and i don't even know if ill sleep with anyone. I dont want you to sit around and wait for me. But remember, you'r not losing me, Im doing this not just for me but for you too, so we can be together in the future." After that she told me she still wanted to spend time with me/have sex and still wants to go on the trips that we had planned but right now she needs some space and time to heal and that she didn't want me to tell anyone we had broken up and she wasn't going to tell her friends/family we had broken up. The next morning she texted me "This is as hard for me as it is for you even if you don't believe me. I am hopeful to come back to you in the future. I don't wanna just cut you off from my life thats not what im trying to do, and I think you know that. Even if I don't love you fully with my heart right now I do love you and I want to love you with my full heart and that is why I am doing this. Im sorry Im so messed up and Im sorry even have to do this and put you through this but I know in the end it'll be best for me and our relationship. I will definitely not make it weird and come over whenever I can but right now I need to heal and I need space. I haven't told my mom or anyone anything, its our business and no one else's and its something we are going through together." WHY IM CONFUSED So all in all this situation has me very confused, maybe its obvious and I'm just missing it completely because of my own emotions and anxiety running wild. She invited me to dinner with her family the next day. The day after that she went for bowling and dinner with my friends and I and when she was with me she was super affectionate and loving constantly wanting my attention, giving me hugs kisses etc. Acting as though nothing had happened (at least in person). Our communication has dropped off a bit since the breakup as i respected her request for space but the mood when we do talk hasn't drastically changed. I haven't really reached out to her in the last 2 days. I don't know if her reasons for keeping me around are truthful, i trust her i just have anxiety with the whole situation that is hurting that trust. I dont understand why she wouldnt want us to tell anyone around us we have broken up. I dont understand why she still wants to go on trips, spend time with me, and act so loving and affectionate after us breaking up and her requesting space, I guess we'll see if it lasts. she went through so much effort to reassure me that this is for the both of us so that she can be with me on day. MY QUESTION I know there is no sure fire way to get a answer for this online from strangers in regards to someone else's inner feelings. The burning question I have inside me though is, is she truthful and serious with her intentions? And what can I do to get her back while still respecting her position. I do love this girl, while it is still fresh I really do. I asked her and she agreed to tell me if at any point she feels to herself she wants to commit to a path that doesnt involve me so that i could move on more easily. ill admit im not that type who can pursue more then 1 at a time, and in the current situation i feel like a may be stuck. Any general advise is appreciated. I know she has her flaws, at this point i dont know what we are but i still love her and want her back. TLDR; Girl I was dating for 4 months tells me she wants to break up so that she can have time to heal so she can commit to me in the future, still tells me that she loves me and that im not losing her. Not sure if i should believe her or if just my emotions are clouding my mind. Wants to keep the break up secret from family/friends and still wants to spend time together and go on previously planned trips.
  11. Me and my boyfriend have been in a long-distance relationship for 1 year. We are grown adults. He's the sweetest guy I've ever known. My whole family liked him. Not only was he my lover he was my best friend too. I had a miserable life before I met him. He helped me so much to get back on my feet and be the best version of me. Last few months of our relationship was a mess, we argued but over small things. I was just frustrated because I couldn't see him often as I would like. Two days ago I asked him what is wrong and continued to tell him about things he was recently doing that i didn't like (nothing bad like texting other girls, going out with girls... just minor things) He saw that as if I was attacking him which was not the case, i just wanted to find out what's happening and how we can solve this. He got upset by it and said that we need to break up. When I read that my heart shattered into pieces, a man who I love and planned to have a future with him, no longer wants to be with me. I send him a long text message explaining my side and telling him how I truly feel about him, he just saw the message and didn't respond. I don't know if he needs time or something. I just know that I'm shattered, this is the case of "either we get married or it will be the worst heart break ever". I can't sleep, I can't eat. I'm crying all day, I want to scream on top of my lungs because it hurts me so much. I'm praying that he will come back, my life is truly miserable without him. It's been 3 days since the break up. I don't know how the male brain works, is he taking time to cool off or does he just not care anymore? Few days prior to this he send me a long message telling me that he wants me to be his wife and have kids with me, I can't believe this is happening right now. I'm hoping that he'll respond today, because i told him how happy he made me feel and that i want him to stay in my life. I know I probably should leave him alone for now but it's so hard, I'm used to talking to him all day every day. I literally cannot do anything besides being in my room and crying, I'm crying while writing this. I'm so miserable, I want to be strong but I can't. If someone has a similar story or advice on what should I do I would be happy to hear.
  12. I started talking to this guy a couple of weeks ago end it was good, we went on a couple dates and our texts flowed pretty smooth. I had a personal incident that happened and I got severely depressed about it. I told him that I was in a weird place and that it wasn’t something that I really wanted to talk about. He asked me if it had anything to do with him but I reaffirmed it wasn’t him. However, days later after I had gotten over the initial shock of the issue and we had been talking like normal again he blew up at me. He started saying that I was a terrible person and that I was terrible at communicating. He kept telling me I should’ve talked to him because of my issue. I told him that it was respectful to give me time especially since I just met him. He still is disagreeing with me about it and criticizing me. I’m just wondering if I should just end it since he won’t listen to me, but I feel guilty because it was nice before and he still wants to try.
  13. I will try and keep this as short as possible. I'm 40M and she's 34F, we met at work and dated for almost 5 years. We got engaged last year and were supposed to get married Oct of this year. We were "soulmates" we had an instant connection when we met, co-workers even told her that I never have talked to anyone at work as much as I did to her. This is true. Everything was great for the most part, I caught her in little lies here and there but nothing major. Problems started around June 2013. A blast from her past re-appeared in her life. She bumped into him and they exchanged numbers and have known each other for 10 years prior. Not a big deal - until she was showing me a video on her phone and a message popped in saying, "I love you so much" followed by "I'm going to make you mine". She didn't see that I saw the messages because she was holding the phone so I could see it. I decided to address it that weekend. I asked who (GUY) was. She said, "oh that's an old friend, why?". I told her I saw the messages and said they're inappropriate and why would he be sending you stuff like that? She said, "he doesn't mean it like that he's just a friend". I told her that it needs to stop now. She then said she wanted me to meet him so I could see. Well as time went by I found out he had been coming up to her office at work. Hanging out and talking, sometimes bringing lunch. So I asked her again what the deal with (GUY) was? She got super defensive and that lead me to talking crap about him, calling him a few choice words/names and she got even more mad and left to go to her moms to cool off. Well, when she left I left to go to my parents house. As I was driving I get a call from a random number. I didn't know if it was someone from work so I answered, it was (GUY). He apologized and said he didn't mean to send the messages and that he didn't want to run her relationship. He won't do it anymore but it wasn't mean the way it was said. I told him what I thought about him sending the messages and told him I also knew about him coming up to her work. He again said it wasn't like that and I told him I'm busy right now but feel free to talk about it in person then we hung up. After that I kind of started rethinking the relationship. She's always been a little secretive when it comes to her phone. So, I started backing off a little. Later in 2019 around October she was showing me her phone again and I saw a message pop up from a females name that said, "I love you so much". I asked her who the hell Sara was because I've never heard you talk about Sara? After blowing up at me she finally admitted it was (GUY). She changed his name to a girls name..... seriously? Now I really started slowing down and kind of withdrew from the relationship a little more. Fast forward to 2020. On January 1st, as a New Years resolution, we agreed to do more stuff together and get the relationship back on track and do what all we had planned in the future - kids, marriage, grow old together. So her mom and I had talked, and I Was going to propose to her on Feb 14th. But my mom was sick in the hospital and I wanted her to be a part of the proposal since she wasn't doing well health wise. Since the proposal got derailed her mom and I agreed to do it when she got back from her trip March 14th and as everyone knows COVID hit and everything was shut down. Then April 23rd my stepdad passed away. I lived 3 hours away and with COVID we had to stretch the funeral out over the course of 4 weeks per the funeral home. Well during that time I was trying to help my mom get her stuff squared away, my sisters were helping too, but I had to do it remote because I didn't want to be in person for safety reasons since I was still going into the office at work. Well, 3 months after my step dad passed away, my mom passed away on July 30th. My girlfriend at the time was SO helpful. She checked in on me, she went to my moms funeral with me, she helped me pick stuff out for the funeral and even went down and helped me and my sisters clean her apartment out. She cleaned and moped while we boxed everything up. ****Major Side Note***** This relationship, was the first time I have ever in my life told a girl I loved her. Keep reading to see why this is important. Prior to my mom passing we had went down there for my stepdads funeral. While we were down there my mom started talking to her about me while I was in the shower. Long story short my mom told her that I don't say the "L" word. It's true. I never have told any one that I loved them. Not even my parents. I didn't grow up in an affectionate household (parents divorced when I was little and I lived with my dad - he was ex military and was all about "be a man and not a sissy" ya know?) and all the relationships I saw as a kid, my sisters, friends, and parents were dysfunctional and a lot of arguing. None were loving like you see on TV. Here is why my girlfriend will always hold a special place in my heart - forever. As we were leaving to go back home my girlfriend said, "why don't you tell your mom you love her before we go?". I kind of brushed it off and she said, "come on, tell her? I've never seen you tell her." So I went back over to my mom and after screwing around for a few mins I finally said it. My mom looked up at me and smiled. I never knew that would be the last time I saw my mom..... After my mom passed my girlfriend told me what my mom had told her and she said my mom told her, "I just want to hear him say he loves me at least one time before I die. I know he does, he does so much for me, he just never says it." This right here, is why I'm having such a hard time with the break up. My girlfriend did a lot of little things but they were SO huge and impactful. ****End Side Note***** Unfortunately at this time I wasn't in a good place. Me and my girlfriend had communication problems as it was, but when this happened I pretty much isolated myself in an upstairs room and shut her out. That was my way of dealing with everything that was happening. The loss of 2 loved ones, COVID, lock down, appeared to be too much. I'll also ass that my sex drive was super low, so low the last time we were intimate was in January 2020. We went the whole year without sex. Stress, unhappy at work, kept finding messages from (GUY) that were still inappropriate for the 3rd time now, and we got in to a rut where all we did was work then come home and watch TV. So trying to turn a negative into a positive I decided on October 4th 2020 I was going to propose. I got her mom, my dad, and one of my sisters to be there for it. She never saw it coming, it was great. She was so surprised and she even said YES! She loved her ring, I had it custom made just for her so it would be the only one out there. I sent the video out to my other sisters and my aunts and uncles. They ALL said the same thing, "What??? We never thought you'd get married, CONGRATS". This was a big deal for me because I never was interested in marriage. Relationships prior sucked, a lot of fighting and arguing. So marriage was off the plate until I met her. Fast forward to 2021. She was excited about the wedding, she got with her friend and started looking for a venue and has some save the date invitations made. Everything seemed to be going good, she would go to her friends out and they would pick out stuff for the wedding and so on. Until I found out that all the late nights and coming home at 3 or 4am weren't because she was at her friends house. I noticed he was coming hoe around 3 or 4 am every morning. I didn't think much of it because she said she was wedding planning - made sense to me. Well, when I questioned her about it she got defensive, said I was trying to control her and manipulate her. So she said she was going to her moms. Well, later on I called her mom and asked her if she was there. Her mom said no, she hasn't seen her in a while, is something wrong? I told her about the coming home at 4am and said she told me she was with you some of the time. Her mom said she hasn't seen her in a month. They were supposed to go dress shopping but she canceled on her. So I call her friend that she said she was with, her friend hadn't seen her either. Now I'm pissed and I discussed a few thing with her friend that, looking back I shouldn't have. But what's done is done. Come to find out she had been hanging out with, you guessed it, (GUY). That's when the ish hit the fan. She blew up at me for talking about personal things with her mom and bestfriend and left. This was on April 18th. I tried calling her, texting her, she wouldn't respond so I left her alone to cool off. About a week later she stopped by the house grabbed a suitcase and said she was going to her moms. I tried to get her to talk about it and she refused. So she left. I didn't call her or text her, tried to let everyone cool off. I didn't see her for a while but since we worked at the same place she started calling me again during the day and talked about work. I brought up the relationship and asked her if she wanted to work it out, she would say yes, then say she wasn't sure. Never gave a straight answer. This went on all through May, June, and July, every now and then she would text me or call me and say I'm going to come home and try again. Some times she would show up for a day, then leave again. Other times she would text me and say she's on her way then never show up. On July 9th, we both got terminated from our job, stupid reason, retaliation from a cowardly manager. Anyways, she would randomly pop up for a day at the house then gone again for a week or longer. July 21st, she showed up around 2pm, she went upstairs laid down in the bed and said she was having bad cramps and didn't feel good. So I warmed up her beanbag and went to go get her some lunch from her favorite sandwich place. Around 4pm I hear a knock on the door, I go down stairs and who could it be? If you guessed (GUY) you'd be correct. I didn't know that though when I opened the door. He demanded to talk to my girlfriend, I asked who the hell he was, he said I'm (GUY). My girlfriend came downstairs and was yelling, he stated yelling, I get in the middle and she walks out back to her car. He walks towards me and says, "I had to come over here. As bad as I didn't want to but I had to let you know what was going on. She's playing you and me both. She's been laying up at my place for the last 2 months and she only reason she came here today was because we got in an argument about girls I talk to". This went on for about an hour. He was telling me she told him she was done with me, she took her ring off, he introduced her to his mom and his girl, they've been going to vacations.... I was shocked but I guess not surprised at this point. He finally left and she never came back that day. I called, text, no response. July 23rd, she randomly showed up and I tried to talk to her about what happened. She said a little but most was deflecting and bringing up stuff I did, then she blew up and left. July 29th, around 10:30PM she showed up while I was in the shower. I Said what are you doing here? She said she was trying to work on the relationship. She went and got food and said there was a movie she wanted to watch. Next morning gone. The last time I saw her was Aug 3rd. We cleaned out the apartment and had the movers come pick the stuff up. I moved back in with my dad, and she went back to her moms. Aug 4th she text me and asked me if I wanted to go to the library tomorrow, I said sure let me know when. The 5th gets here and nothing. So I go no contact. Aug 14th I get a text that said, "I WANT MY STUFF BACK" I replied, "so you've made your decision I take it?" she replies with "I didn't make any decision I just want my stuff back" followed by "you don't talk to me and I don't talk to you so..................." followed by, "ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE ME MY STUFFBACK?" I replied and said, "I'll have it ready for you tomorrow, it'll be by the front door you can come pick it up". She never replied after that. She also never picked her stuff up. Then Aug 19th I get a text saying she used me as a reference and to be expecting a call. I told her ok, and her new employer called for a reference check, I spoke highly of her and he said she's hired. I text her that I spoke to (company) and she said, "thanks! I appreciate it". Then Aug 21st I text her asking her if she wanted to meet up and talk, see how things go. She said she was with her mom at the movies and would text me in a few. Never sent a text or called. So I haven't communicated with her since. Any idea what I can do, or shouldn't do at this point? I know what the overall consensus is, but I would like to reconcile and get her back. I know, after all that, why would I want her back? Because she had a huge impact on my life. She was the first girl I've ever told I loved and she was there for me when I lost my mom. She even wrote a note and put in my moms casket and did the same for my step dad. Lastly, I also feel if I didn't do the things I did and shut her out, get complacent and take her for granted we wouldn't be in the situation we're in. Any thoughts?
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