MaryAnne7

It’s his house we live in, but I have a viewing tomorrow and planning to move out

Woaaah, chill out! No one is gonna stay with him

Hello forum. Me and my issues again. I’ve been with my partner for a few years now. We were supposed to get married this year - we are engaged. Lately I’ve been feeling more and more emotionally starved with my partner being busy. I didn’t feel as I was a priority but he was recently promoted at work and got this multibillion dollar project so it all checked out! But I became increasingly anxious - I couldn’t understand why. I’ve been in therapy for a while so usually I can identify where my feelings are coming from, but here I just couldn’t. Then I noticed some behavioural tweaks: phone in the bathroom, longer time spent there, leaving our bed early in the morning, and I woke up alone. Leaving work later than usual, going to more socials. Once I asked for him to show his phone, he immediately got defensive and said he doesn’t want to be “this man whose partner checks his phone”, and he’s setting a boundary here. I accepted it. Until yesterday. I spent 2 hours making dinner and when he came home he didn’t eat any as he’s full. Unfortunately my suspicious grew from this. Given his history of dishonesty (he left his previous relationship for a work colleague which began as an emotional affair). Not proud of it: but I checked his phone. And oh boy, what I found. Conversations with 2 women, one is his colleague, one his ex, archived. Flirtatious, sending hearts, saying to his colleague how he can’t meet to meet her IRL and hug her. ***? He told me he didn’t speak to his ex and obviously he lied. When I confronted him he denied having an emotional affair and still does, he sees nothing wrong with these conversations and refuses to cut contact with both of them. Meanwhile, he barely has time to message me during the day (I stopped messaging him first because he takes ages to respond and I didn’t want to bother him because he’s so busy) but clearly he’s got the time for these two women, whilst I have to end for his workday to be over to be able to tell him things that’s happened to me. Am I being unreasonable about this?

Thank you so much for your detailed response! It was very interesting to read Also I am sorry to hear your son was diagnosed with mono, I hope he gets better soon

I totally understand. If you don’t have it in you of course don’t. If you can move on without any regrets or missing your friend - I would. It is difficult to trust somebody who’s weaponised personal information you shared with them. I also know that feelings come and go, so I always go back to sitting down and writing pros and cons of every difficult situation I’m facing. What would be the pros of not having this friend around and what would be the cons?

Yea it seems like too much. Especially because you’ve communicated your boundary multiple times and it seems like your friend has no intention of respecting it. I would be very curious to know what’s really going on for Josh that he chose to behave in that way. I would have a serious heart to heart with your friend before moving on. That could only work on condition that he’s open to it and capable of it though.

Update everyone: we have gotten over it, and relationship is better than before! We see each other more and seem to have grown closer! Happy ending 🥰

Hi everyone! Me again and back for some perspective. I have a few questions to ask: 1) if you lived with your partner for a few years, would there be an expectation of them to be familiar with your life schedule, I.e. when you start and finish work? As an example: would you think it’s not your responsibility to wake them up if they overslept for work? 2) can you ever be a priority to someone? Is it okay, in your opinion, for a partner to say that while they are at work, work takes priority unless it’s a medical emergency on your side?

I am sorry this is happening. It’s painful to not get your feelings validated from someone you care about. I’m here to tell you that your experiences and feelings are valid, and you are seen! My alcoholic father never acknowledged the pain he inflicted and my mother, his enabler, never did either. The only way out is to let go. As said above, it’s probably denial, it must be unbearable for parents to realise they’ve hurt their child. Not saying it’s an excuse not to validate you. I dealt with it by accepting the existing relationship I have with my parents without trying to fix it, focusing on myself, and validating myself. The last one is crucial, as in time you will become your own loving, approving, validating parent and it will bring healing into your heart ❤️

That’s a good example and point! Thank you! ❤️

As someone who’s in therapy I find it appropriate to use “therapyspeak” with people who’re also in therapy. Unfortunately I now understand being in therapy doesn’t guarantee anything lol. Are you sure it’s a hyperbole though? If I, let’s say, had a full blown meltdown, would you also call it a “hyperbole”?

Thank you! I feel understood! I agree it is a personal preference, I asked some of my others friends and some of them actually said they would love to laugh at their traumas, but I am always careful with my them and try to be gentle and I don’t attempt such jokes. She later explained to me it was her twisted way of returning the private information I shared with her in such way to show me I matter to her. To me personally it’s too twisted and too complicated. thank you for kind words ❤️

Who said I am looking for close friendships? I am not. It’s not black and white, it doesn’t have to be a close friendship but we can still be friends. My boundary was reasonable - I appreciate you don’t have enough context, that’s fine. It is very honourable to think about other people’s feelings, but there’s also limits to it. This is where I am at and this is the reality as of now. And I will take any small win I can. Again, if it costs me the friendship it’s fine. Next one will be different as I’ve learned from it l. I have hurt her and she’s hurt me. But we’re both adults who are capable of dealing with it.

Absolutely I agree with that. In fact, I think my delivery could have been much much better. Given my background and how I’ve managed to break my family pattern of reactivity and destruction stretching over generations, me choosing to communicate and be open about my feelings - I will take it as a personal victory nevertheless. And if that creates distance with others then so be it. I will not abandon myself just to be liked

That’s simply not true. Choosing what behaviour is comfortable for me and what’s not is self-care and has nothing to do with controlling others. When I ask a person who has intentions of being close to me to respect my rules that’s a contract, I’d like to feel safe in my friendship, and if then the choice of my friend is not to comply then that’s fine I’ll get over it. But it is a choice. There are ALSO internal boundaries we set with ourselves, and that’s another story.