Emotional affair?

[MaryAnne7]

Hello forum. Me and my issues again. I’ve been with my partner for a few years now. We were supposed to get married this year - we are engaged. Lately I’ve been feeling more and more emotionally starved with my partner being busy. I didn’t feel as I was a priority but he was recently promoted at work and got this multibillion dollar project so it all checked out! But I became increasingly anxious - I couldn’t understand why. I’ve been in therapy for a while so usually I can identify where my feelings are coming from, but here I just couldn’t. Then I noticed some behavioural tweaks: phone in the bathroom, longer time spent there, leaving our bed early in the morning, and I woke up alone. Leaving work later than usual, going to more socials. Once I asked for him to show his phone, he immediately got defensive and said he doesn’t want to be “this man whose partner checks his phone”, and he’s setting a boundary here. I accepted it. Until yesterday. I spent 2 hours making dinner and when he came home he didn’t eat any as he’s full. Unfortunately my suspicious grew from this. Given his history of dishonesty (he left his previous relationship for a work colleague which began as an emotional affair). Not proud of it: but I checked his phone. And oh boy, what I found. Conversations with 2 women, one is his colleague, one his ex, archived. Flirtatious, sending hearts, saying to his colleague how he can’t meet to meet her IRL and hug her. ***? He told me he didn’t speak to his ex and obviously he lied. When I confronted him he denied having an emotional affair and still does, he sees nothing wrong with these conversations and refuses to cut contact with both of them. Meanwhile, he barely has time to message me during the day (I stopped messaging him first because he takes ages to respond and I didn’t want to bother him because he’s so busy) but clearly he’s got the time for these two women, whilst I have to end for his workday to be over to be able to tell him things that’s happened to me. Am I being unreasonable about this? 

[DarkCh0c0]

17 minutes ago, MaryAnne7 said:

Am I being unreasonable about this? 

Nope.

He's an absolute waste of your time. You need to consider kicking him to the curb and recollecting your self worth. Good job on trusting your gut feelings.

Don't buy any more of his BS lies. And ofc he denies the affair. He obviously only cares about himself and not your feelings. It's all about him keeping a certain image so that he doesn't sound like the bad guy here. It's the easier way out to gaslight or blame you.

[Jaunty]

This needs to stop - and the way it will happen is for you to walk.  

[Coily]

Yikes. While it's not great you looked through his phone, I think you  had enough evidence in your gut to think there was something off.

A caveat on the phone thing, usually when it comes to snooping; it's the final nail in the coffin; when the conclusion is already hovering infront of you.

One of those messages should have been enough to consider this a degree of infidelity. My question is what do you want to do now? Have some big blow up confrontation? That's not going to change him, or help you in the long run.

 

[Dear Intuition]

Is this guy having an emotional or physical affair? Trust that what you saw is evidence that goes against your values. Or you wouldn't be writing to us. When someone lives against what you value then you see concrete evidence that you can choose if you want to stay or leave. We don't need to tell you what is right there for you to see. You've proven it. (I'm intuiting this message for you but I also have had personal experience.) 

I felt it when my ex husband was looking for women's attention elsewhere. And then I found proof. I ignored it. Years went by. The feelings got stronger. He cheated. And then we proceeded with a very messy divorce. You know when you know. It's never easy to see when you have to make a choice. But now know. 

I hope for the best for you.

[lostandhurt]

His answer when you confronted him is also your answer.

He sees nothing wrong with it even though he knows it hurts you and the relationship.  This is all you need to know.  The man that says he loves you and wants to devote his life to be with you is doing the exact opposite.

 You aren't even married and this is what is going on.  Can you imagine what it will be like 3 years in?

I know you want to save this but it is pretty clear you are the only one that cares.  You cannot change him, beg him to be an honest man or teach him how to respect and honor a relationship.  All you can do is look after yourself and move away from a relationship that is nothing more than a shell of what you had hoped for.

I am sorry but it is over, the only question left is when you kick him to the curb.

Lost

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, MaryAnne7 said:

Am I being unreasonable about this? 

Nah. He is probably having or at least trying to have sex with both.

See, liers and cheaters stay liers and cheaters. He peft his previous relationship for a work colleague. So you cant expect loyalty from somebody like that. As soon as he finds somebody else, he will leave you, that is not a one time thing, its a pattern. And it seems that its already happening.

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, MaryAnne7 said:

Given his history of dishonesty (he left his previous relationship for a work colleague which began as an emotional affair).

Apparently you thought you were the special one where he'd do a 360 on his ethics and never again behave as he formerly did. You were wrong. He doesn't value any female as a normal, decent man does. He sees them as part of a harem. No one person will ever be enough. He likes a harem to pick from, and when the newness wears away, he goes on to the next.

How you can even stay with him a second longer is mind-boggling. Is your self-worth really that crappy? 

[MaryAnne7]

26 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Apparently you thought you were the special one where he'd do a 360 on his ethics and never again behave as he formerly did. You were wrong. He doesn't value any female as a normal, decent man does. He sees them as part of a harem. No one person will ever be enough. He likes a harem to pick from, and when the newness wears away, he goes on to the next.

How you can even stay with him a second longer is mind-boggling. Is your self-worth really that crappy? 

Woaaah, chill out! No one is gonna stay with him 

[boltnrun]

He sees no need to change he his behavior. He gets everything he wants while you? Not so much.

Do you two live in his home or in yours? Or is it a shared lease or mortgage?

[MaryAnne7]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

He sees no need to change he his behavior. He gets everything he wants while you? Not so much.

Do you two live in his home or in yours? Or is it a shared lease or mortgage?

It’s his house we live in, but I have a viewing tomorrow and planning to move out 

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, MaryAnne7 said:

It’s his house we live in, but I have a viewing tomorrow and planning to move out 

Excellent. Let him carry on sleeping around at work and with his exes or whoever else. It doesn't have to be your problem anymore.

I do highly recommend you get STI tested. I know women who have contracted STIs from their cheating spouses or partners.

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, MaryAnne7 said:

It’s his house we live in, but I have a viewing tomorrow and planning to move out 

That's excellent. The first step in your peace of mind and regaining your life back is to sever ties and restart your own life. Please enlist the support of friends and family. 

[EternalOptimis]

I read a quote here long ago which I always remember;

Never ask a liar for the truth, it's the last thing you'll get.

[catfeeder]

12 hours ago, MaryAnne7 said:

Given his history of dishonesty (he left his previous relationship for a work colleague which began as an emotional affair).

Sort of like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, you've had the answer the whole time. It's right here ^^^.

Whenever one demonstrates a capacity for disloyalty, walk away. Don't trick yourself into believing that, somehow, they will only be disloyal to other people. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Sort of like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, you've had the answer the whole time. It's right here ^^^.

Agree with click your heels three times and go home -home to yourself and your sense of peace - not home to him.

[smackie9]

It's good that you got your proof, and don't have to waste another minute of your time. Hope you find peace and happiness.