I cut off my best friend because he kept crossing boundaries

[Graystation108]

I've posted this on reddit before cutting off my friend but I'll post the full story here as it won't get shared around as much.

  I (23 F) had an ex-best friend whom I'll call Josh (21 M). Josh and I met last year during our first year in university and we instantly hit it off. We had similar types of humor, and we would support each other while we were on placement. He also gave me a lot of support after my 4 year relationship fell apart, reasons unrelated to Josh (I was dumped because my ex thought of me as not feminine enough and I don't dress up enough compared to his friends' partners). We started talking on the phone everyday after the breakup and he would comfort me and encourage me to work on myself. All is well until I noticed some things he was doing.

 

  Josh started pointing out that I am "not reaching my full physical potential" and that "if I go to the gym and start eating healthy, guys (and my ex) would start drooling over me". At worst he would mention this once a day in every phone call. I want to first clarify that I don't disagree with him and I admittedly let myself go during the relationship. However, it made me very uncomfortable that he was mentioning this so often, the amount of times he talked about it in a month far exceeded how many times my parents mention my body in over a year. I called him out on it and reminded him that I went through most of my teenage years suffering from an eating disorder (I'm still not confident with how my body looks), he apologized and indeed backed off of doing that for a while.

 

  A few weeks later, I finally signed up for a gym membership, and posted an instagram story with a picture of my gym access card (it was basically a fop card with no personal info, only the gym logo). Not long after posting, Josh DMed me and said "ok you don't have to post everything on your story lol". I asked him why this is any of his business, and he pointed out that I had been posting more ever since my ex left me, that I should only point things that are positive moments. He also went as far to say that once I achieve an amazing body then that'll be something worth posting, and people will actually commend me for it. I was dumbfounded, not only because he crossed the boundary I've set on not wanting him to mention my body, he also decided that it was ok to police what I post on my socials. Safe to say, I pulled away significantly after that, we went from talking almost everyday to me going no contact unless he reaches out, and whenever he does I would end the conversations ASAP. This went on for about 2 months.

 

  Last week, he texted saying he hasn't heard from me in a while and asked if I was mad at him. I had gotten to a place where I no longer cared if we stayed friends or not, so I decided to confront him. I ended up sending him a few long text messages (screenshot attached below), basically listing the things he did and how it was 100% not his place to comment on as a friend. He messaged back and apologized, saying he got too comfortable and ended up hurting me, and that he was trying to look out for and encourage me especially after my breakup. He said he understands that he has done "irreparable damage to our friendship", hopes we can still be amicable and help each other out in our studies, and apologized again. I replied back saying I appreciated the apology, and I have no problem staying civil and help each other out, but that from now on I do not want any conversation with him outside of academics.

 

  I'm still sad that I had to end it because we were very good friends at one point, I remember all the good times we had, even when we would chat on the phone while driving to keep each other company (we did not look at our phones while driving don't worry, and only picked up when we pulled over or prior to taking off). He was a friend that I thought would be in my life for a long time prior to this, but I will not put up with him overstepping my boundaries over and over again, nor is it my job to teach him how to treat me like the way I deserve to be treated. I will however admit that I'm a bit of an a-hole for not calling him out immediately and waited 2 months to confront him. I want to ask, did I go too far by/am I insane for cutting him off? Was I overreacting or was it an appropriate consequence for his actions?

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, I am an overthinker. For example my late Grandma told me that its more important what people think behind what they say and do then the actual words. And that you should always figure out that whether its a praise or critique of you. So I go by that. For example not every critique is coming from a bad place. Him "pestering" you to go to the gym is not bad as he clearly thinks you should do it so your ex and other would see that you are better without them. Same with social media. Posting gym membership is nothing. Posting results if going to the gym is something. So I dont think he is coming from a bad place. I can see how you are "offended" and its your feelings but dont think its justified. But its your life so if you think you are better without him, OK. 

Is it the same friend that saved you from suicide? If it is, dont you think he kinda cant be a bad friend by just that fact alone? 

[Graystation108]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Is it the same friend that saved you from suicide? If it is, dont you think he kinda cant be a bad friend by just that fact alone? 

No this is a different person. I have asked him to stop multiple times as it triggers my body dysmorphia, but he made the choice to keep going. I also get where he's coming from, but I also think he should respect that I'm uncomfortable with what he was doing. I didn't cut him off because he was critiquing my body, I did it because I set a boundary with him and he continuously chose to overstep it

[SaiKiiAdou]

He sounds very overinvolved in your life and it seems to me he never really was your friend, just laying in wait till he could swoop in and date you. I might be wrong but thats the feeling I am getting.

You did the right thing. Be civil around each other and maybe after a few years an actual friendship can redevelop. 

[MaryAnne7]

Yea it seems like too much. Especially because you’ve communicated your boundary multiple times and it seems like your friend has no intention of respecting it. I would be very curious to know what’s really going on for Josh that he chose to behave in that way. I would have a serious heart to heart with your friend before moving on. That could only work on condition that he’s open to it and capable of it though. 

[Graystation108]

10 minutes ago, MaryAnne7 said:

I would have a serious heart to heart with your friend before moving on. That could only work on condition that he’s open to it and capable of it though.

That's a good point. I also don't know if I'm capable of reaching out to him and asking for this conversation when I've already put my walls up. He had said in his reply that there were times he gets too comfortable and ends up saying things that hurt people, which he acknowledges that it's on him. I've seen this happen with him and another one of our mutual classmates, where he made a joke and accidentally offended her because of her past history of dealing with racial stereotypes (our classmate is Vietnamese). I don't think this was the worst thing he could've ever done but I just really felt disrespected and that he might think I'm only worthy when I "have a great body"

[MaryAnne7]

1 minute ago, Graystation108 said:

That's a good point. I also don't know if I'm capable of reaching out to him and asking for this conversation when I've already put my walls up. He had said in his reply that there were times he gets too comfortable and ends up saying things that hurt people, which he acknowledges that it's on him. I've seen this happen with him and another one of our mutual classmates, where he made a joke and accidentally offended her because of her past history of dealing with racial stereotypes (our classmate is Vietnamese)

I totally understand. If you don’t have it in you of course don’t. If you can move on without any regrets or missing your friend - I would. It is difficult to trust somebody who’s weaponised personal information you shared with them. 
I also know that feelings come and go, so I always go back to sitting down and writing pros and cons of every difficult situation I’m facing. What would be the pros of not having this friend around and what would be the cons? 

[Graystation108]

1 minute ago, MaryAnne7 said:

What would be the pros of not having this friend around and what would be the cons?

From what I can think of

Pros:

1) Not having to hear constant pestering that I should get in shape, go to the gym etc

2) Not feeling like I'm only worthy after I "achieve an amazing body" because of how frequently he mentions it

3) Not feeling like it's ok for my boundaries to be disregarded

Cons:

1) I would miss his company and being able to share jokes with

2) Having a friend that I can talk to about random things

[Batya33]

I think you tolerated his controlling/intrusive comments for too long -we teach people how to treat us.  Also if you choose to post gym results on social media why be surprised when people comment? Aren't you asking for comments? Also I had an (undiagnosed) eating disorder in my teens/early 20s -I'm 57 -99% past it for many years but I wouldn't dream of posting gym or diet results on social media given the risk of triggering comments -even if I felt accomplished and proud.  I realize his comment was again controlling/interfering but you kind of opened the door.

(For context I've been working out regularly since 1982/daily since around 2013 - used to average 3-5 times/week - number of times I've posted on social media about what I've accomplished/my body -zero -I will comment in a factual way in context if someone asks about my routine but typically in a private message - so this need for social media type attention given your background is - interesting -and that's why I asked).

I'd avoid this person and ask yourself why you didn't cut the cord much much sooner -I get you were in a vulnerable place but this wasn't a give or take friendship from early on.

I'm sorry you're disappointed and good for you for being healthy and fit and caring about your health!

[Graystation108]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

number of times I've posted on social media about what I've accomplished/my body -zero

I have never had a desire to, nor would I ever think to flaunt a "lean" body on my socials

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

so this need for social media type attention given your background is - interesting -and that's why I asked)

I'm a bit confused on what you're trying to ask. If you were asking about why I posted a photo of my gym access card, I was simply sharing that I was finally making good of my word and had no desire to post any progress pics. It was my ex friend who kept suggesting that I shouldn't have posted the card and instead wait till I get in shape and then post about it, I have no intention of taking that advice

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd avoid this person and ask yourself why you didn't cut the cord much much sooner

I agree that I should've done it sooner instead of trying to avoid confrontation for 2 months. I'm a very non-confrontational person but I eventually realized I have to make my boundaries clear because I knew if I didn't he would keep going. I guess with the position I was in I really wished that he would be a friend who would take what I said to heart

[Graystation108]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also if you choose to post gym results on social media why be surprised when people comment? Aren't you asking for comments?

  I wasn't asking for comments on asking why I'm posting everything on my story. He also scrolled through some of my old IG posts and asked why I still have insignificant posts up like my UMAT workshop experience and some food pics. That was what bothered me, not gym results which I did not make a single post of, I wasn't even in the picture

[Batya33]

Oh sorry I misunderstood what you posted. I mean sure you do you if a photo of a gym card is something you care to share.  He continued to be intrusive -but that's nothing new -right?

Are you non-confrontational or insecure/passive - and maybe a bit needy for friends? No need to confront.  Asserting boundaries doesn't need to be the least bit confrontational.  I regularly will say to someone "excuse me you're standing too close to me" at the checkout line for example.  Polite, assertive -not "confrontational."

You were vulnerable back then.  Now you're not. So out with the old you - and find people who are truly friendly/friends. He is not.

[Graystation108]

27 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He continued to be intrusive -but that's nothing new -right

It was the first time he tried to do this (in terms of trying to tell me what I should or shoudn't post). I kept asking him why it's his business, as I showed in my screenshot, hoping he would get the hint. I do agree that I should've just been straight with him

[Batya33]

50 minutes ago, Graystation108 said:

It was the first time he tried to do this (in terms of trying to tell me what I should or shoudn't post). I kept asking him why it's his business, as I showed in my screenshot, hoping he would get the hint. I do agree that I should've just been straight with him

It was the umpteenth time he’d acted just like this / completely related. You weren’t surprised were you?

[Graystation108]

Just now, Batya33 said:

It was the umpteenth time he’d acted just like this / completely related. You weren’t surprised were you?

Not surprised that he commented on my body, but commenting on my social media? Yes I was surprised, I didn't think someone would ever think it's their place to tell another person what they should or shouldn't be posting

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, Graystation108 said:

I was dumped because my ex thought of me as not feminine enough and I don't dress up enough compared to his friends' partners)

You're now learning to have self-worth, and that's good because it's been lacking since you put up with a bf for so many years who treated you so poorly. But you still have more work to do in that area because you still allowed another man to stay around in your life when he proved to also be controlling.

I wouldn't keep him around as a friend. It worked for a time, but now that's over, and it's best to go your separate ways. Quite normal for friendships to end. It's happened to be numerous times for various reasons. Even if he wasn't controlling and you remained friends, this friendship was bound to lessen in time and intensity anyway, as you each grow separately into adult lives where you will no longer have that sort of time because of careers, significant others, etc.

Letting go of unsatisfactory friendships leaves you time to form positive friendships with others. Take care.

[Coily]

Hate to break it to you, but this is common gym bro behavior. It's meant to motivate you into bettering yourself. They will push boundaries, as it's what they needed to have happen to them in order to hit the gym and improve themselves. He likely has done this to others, or had it done to him, and sees it as wanting to help; as the results usually turn to "dang if you hadn't pushed me I wouldn't have done all this work."

I would be willing to guess that you haven't encountered this kind of personality, kind of like a soft Drill Instructor or Personal Trainer. However you didn't ask him to do this for you, and that is were the disconnect happened. He probably heard about your body dysphoria and thought he'd help the only way he knew how.

I think ascribing controlling behavior to him is a bit difficult. I would agree him crossing the boundary of yours is a bit much, and justification to reduce or terminate the friendship. From what I have read it didn't come from a place of malice or manipulation, but his way of trying to help someone; who he may have seen as reluctant to help themselves and was wallowing in a break up.

 

 

[Graystation108]

58 minutes ago, Andrina said:

since you put up with a bf for so many years who treated you so poorly

My ex never treated me poorly throughout the relationship, but what he admitted to me after the breakup was a cowardly move. I know I deserve someone who loves me for who I am, and not because I’m a “stereotypical girl”. I will always have love for my ex as he was my first (same goes for him) and it was a predominantly positive relationship, but I’m glad that I learned what I do and don’t want in my next person

[Graystation108]

51 minutes ago, Coily said:

From what I have read it didn't come from a place of malice or manipulation, but his way of trying to help someone;

I also don’t think he did that to hurt me, however I can’t excuse the fact that I had to remind him of my boundaries more than once. He knew that this would push my buttons, and still decided to do so anyway. I also told him in a previous conversation that I won’t tolerate someone disrespecting my boundaries, and that once I’m done, there’s nothing the person can do to make me look back. Yes I should’ve cut the cord sooner, but better late than never. Regardless of his intentions, he chose to cross that boundary, and I only made good of my word

[boltnrun]

It wasn't so much the content of what he said but his blatant disregard and disrespect for your wishes, that you had clearly stated to him multiple times.

I too had to end a close friendship because he kept overstepping boundaries and not respecting my wishes. For example, he would send me offensive memes of cartoon men engaged in sexual acts with animals. I don't think those are funny. At all. So I politely asked him to stop. He immediately called me demanding to know why I "don't like jokes". He kept repeating "I don't understand why you don't like jokes." And I kept repeating "I don't like those jokes. Please don't send me any more." This went on for probably 20 minutes. And finally I said I had to go and his last words to me in that conversation were "OK, fine, but I don't get why you don't like jokes." Oh, and he said another female friend of his also asked him to stop sending those memes. He said "I don't get why y'all don't like jokes." Sigh...

I ended the friendship when he kept crossing another line I had asked him not to. Honestly, I don't miss him anymore even though he and I had been good friends.

It's OK if a friendship doesn't work for you anymore. 

[Cherylyn]

Josh is ill mannered,  obnoxious and rude.  Usually friends are careful.  They don't say or write anything intrusive,  critical and unkind.  Real friends are gracious and exercise discretion. 

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

It wasn't so much the content of what he said but his blatant disregard and disrespect for your wishes, that you had clearly stated to him multiple times.

This. 

Don't waste your breath or emotional energy having yet another conversation with him, OP. This is not a friendship worth saving. 

Next. 

[Graystation108]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This. 

Don't waste your breath or emotional energy having yet another conversation with him, OP. This is not a friendship worth saving. 

Next. 

That's what I was struggling with when I couldn't understand why exactly I no longer felt comfortable around him. It wasn't so much about him critiquing my body, it was because I told him I didn't want him to mention it, but he chose to keep going knowing that would make me uncomfortable. I expect him to finally respect my boundary of not conversing outside of academics, if he does, I'll be forced to block him, and I don't want to go down that route. We'll see what happens when we go back to school in a few weeks

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Graystation108 said:

That's what I was struggling with when I couldn't understand why exactly I no longer felt comfortable around him. It wasn't so much about him critiquing my body, it was because I told him I didn't want him to mention it, but he chose to keep going knowing that would make me uncomfortable. I expect him to finally respect my boundary of not conversing outside of academics, if he does, I'll be forced to block him, and I don't want to go down that route. We'll see what happens when we go back to school in a few weeks

Yes- no need to make rash decisions.  You're not forced to do anything.  I agree with Cherlyn -when we care we take great pains to hear the other person and respect their boundaries and even to go against our own instincts. 

One of my dear friends confided in me last week about an awful situatio. She made sure I would keep it totally secret.  I am! I kept my comments caring and reserved.  I told her 100% I am here with you.  I told her I am so upset on her behalf.  I asked if she needed outside resources. I told her she can trust me 100%. 

I am not going to give her input because as much as part of me wants to I want what is best for her.  What is best for her as far as me is to know she can come to me for support, venting, discretion and if I pry or come across even mildly "interfering" she might not feel comfortable.  Her comfort is my priority not my need to vent back what I feel she "should" do.

So I'm there for her EXACTLY in the way she seems to need. My needs don't matter. Yes if there wasreal danger -I might feel compelled to say something. See how it works in a true caring interaction? Don't second guess yourself.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. It's upsetting to find out who you thought you had as a friend, but then this dark creepy side insidiously starts rearing it's ugly head as boundaries loosen up between people. 

You made the right decision ending it. Hopefully he and all his people are deleted and blocked on All your social media and messaging apps.