I cut off my best friend because he kept crossing boundaries

[catfeeder]

Sounds like he got so carried away in wanting some revenge against your ex 'for' you, he blurted out his visions of this without any sensitivity to you, despite your warnings. He likely regrets this now, so you've probably done him a favor.

I raise this because endings don't mean that our time and investments in others are 'wasted'. We enjoyed one time while things lasted, and nobody needs to be a villain in order to outgrow a relationship.

You don't need to make any hardcore decisions today about how things will work out in the future. Let him demonstrate whether he's learned from the experience, and if you can navigate an acquaintanceship that's beneficial, it would sure beat the feeling of having an enemy in your midst.

Head high.

[Graystation108]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I raise this because endings don't mean that our time and investments in others are 'wasted'. We enjoyed one time while things lasted, and nobody needs to be a villain in order to outgrow a relationship

I completely agree, I never saw our time together as wasted, we had so many good times together despite not knowing each other for that long compared to my other friendships, I will always be grateful for the amount of times he would listen to me on the phone crying my eyes out about my ex and just talking about random ***. We both agreed to be civil and continue to help each other out on our studies, but at least for now, I don't feel comfortable for our conversations to go beyond academics. If he respects this boundary long term and if our bond is still there, I can consider lifting this partially and let us start slow back into a friendship. If he doesn't, considering the number of times he decided to ignore my warnings, I can't trust that he'll respect any boundaries I try to put up in the future

[Tinydance]

I just skimmed all the replies so sorry if I say something that has already been said. I don't agree with the notion that by repeatedly telling you to join the gym and lose weight that he was just trying to look out for you. First of all, if someone is trying to encourage and motivate you, it needs to be something they know you yourself want to do. Continuously pushing someone to do something that THEY think you need or want is first of all ignoring who you are and what YOU want. A true friend doesn't just ignore what you say to them and keep tooting their own horn. 

Secondly, if you guys are supposed to only be friends then why is he so obsessed with your body and how you look? Friendship isn't actually about looks so why does he care how you look? I could be friends with someone obese or super thin or whatever body shape because I'm not dating them and it's not about physical attraction. And to be honest if you start dating someone and you don't like their body  - don't date them. People can't start dating someone overweight for example and keep forcing them to lose weight. If they prefer thinner people by all means they can date thin people..But they have no right to control someone else's life and how they look, their body, etc. I think the fact that you guys were meant to be only friends shows he's even more shallow because it shouldn't matter if you're not dating. If someone cares about their friend's body size that's next level shallow.

Thirdly if he supposedly was motivating and encouraging you, why did he put you down when you posted the gym tag on your social media? Even just joining the gym is still an achievement and it's not "nothing". Especially if you have body dysmorphia it is definitely an achievement because you are putting yourself in an environment where people are in their workout gear in front of everyone else and things like that. (Hope I didn't scare you by saying that lol). If someone is your good friend, shouldn't they say: "Well done that you joined the gym!" Rather than saying it's nothing and you didn't achieve anything.

The other thing is people shouldn't be commenting about other people's body just full stop. Unless someone is quite obese and struggles to walk or had diseases like high blood pressure and heart problems, why comment on their body? If there isn't a health concern then why does someone need to become thinner? Also you did give him chances because you asked many times that he stop commenting on your body but he didn't stop. Which was also not respecting what you asked.

The only thing I could think of as to why he wasn't acting maliciously is because he's very focusing on how HE is. Like, if he goes to the gym and loves it, he's telling other people to do it coz he's really into it. And maybe he thinks he's being nice coz HE thinks gym is awesome and he wants you to participate in it. Or he might be one of those blunt opinionated people who don't have a filter. Something pops into his head and he just always says it. There are people who are very opinionated and think their opinions are right. Personally I hate people like that. There are people who will tell you: "You would look better with X haircut", "You should get this job", etc. This is because they think so and they think they're helping you by telling you to do something "they" think it's good.

[Tinydance]

On 2/8/2024 at 10:39 PM, Graystation108 said:

  I wasn't asking for comments on asking why I'm posting everything on my story. He also scrolled through some of my old IG posts and asked why I still have insignificant posts up like my UMAT workshop experience and some food pics. That was what bothered me, not gym results which I did not make a single post of, I wasn't even in the picture

Yeah to me he sounds like a very opinionated person who has no filter. Some people just love to give their opinions constantly. I actually have a post about a friend who does this too and she kept doing it so we weren't friends for six months. We did reconnect but I only hang out with her in a group and not one-on-one.

It's not his business what you're posting on your social media. As long as it doesn't breach any rules or offend anyone, you can post anything you want. Some people post photos of their morning coffee or pot plants. Maybe it's boring but it's their choice.

[Batya33]

35 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

The other thing is people shouldn't be commenting about other people's body just full stop. Unless someone is quite obese and struggles to walk or had diseases like high blood pressure and heart problems, why comment on their body? If there isn't a health concern then why does someone need to become thinner? Also you did give him chances because you asked many times that he stop commenting on your body but he didn't stop. Which was also not respecting what you asked.

To me the test is -has the person asked my advice and if not is it something they don't already know? If no to the first and yes to the second zip the lip.  It would have to be really unusual -like my son had a really weird skin thing years ago out of the blue- turned out to be an infection I knew zero about until I googled it and got him treated -wow I would have loved if someone spoke up and said "hey that looks like _____ - I'd get it checked out".  (If they knew).  It should be reserved for doctors- like my doctor told me exactly what he thought I should do post pregnancy as far as getting back into exercise and basically what my weight was/where it needed to be.  That's where those comments belong! 

[Tinydance]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

To me the test is -has the person asked my advice and if not is it something they don't already know? If no to the first and yes to the second zip the lip.  It would have to be really unusual -like my son had a really weird skin thing years ago out of the blue- turned out to be an infection I knew zero about until I googled it and got him treated -wow I would have loved if someone spoke up and said "hey that looks like _____ - I'd get it checked out".  (If they knew).  It should be reserved for doctors- like my doctor told me exactly what he thought I should do post pregnancy as far as getting back into exercise and basically what my weight was/where it needed to be.  That's where those comments belong! 

Yes agreed.

[Graystation108]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

To me the test is -has the person asked my advice and if not is it something they don't already know?

I did not at all ask for his opinion on whether he thinks I should be more thin nor did I ask if I should post this/that on my socials. Considering how he criticized me posting a pic of me taking my first step to being healthier plus questioning why I still have random posts up, I initially hid my IG stories from him before completely removing him as a follower. I don't know if he liked me more than friends, but I made him and I have an agreement that if he catches feelings for me that he was to be honest and distance himself. He also knows there's no chance between me and him as I made it clear that men who are religious will not even be considered (he's a Christian), reasons due to me having predominantly bad experiences with Christians in particular with being pushy about their beliefs or trying to ease it in, which looking back it seems like he was doing the same and proving me right. Regardless, he was given no authority to do any of the things he did, he even suggested becoming my instagram manager to monitor what I post which I immediately shut down

[Graystation108]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

A true friend doesn't just ignore what you say to them and keep tooting their own horn.

I think he might have been envisioning an image of me for whatever reason and kept trying to push me to get to it. Towards the last few months of being together with my ex, he made a comment saying if I lose a few pounds and cut bangs, my ex would be drooling all over me. I immediately called him out for being weird at the time. I should've seen that as a red flag from the beginning, but because we banter sometimes I thought it was just a one off (never have I made a single comment/joke about his body nor his religious beliefs)

[Tinydance]

10 minutes ago, Graystation108 said:

I think he might have been envisioning an image of me for whatever reason and kept trying to push me to get to it. Towards the last few months of being together with my ex, he made a comment saying if I lose a few pounds and cut bangs, my ex would be drooling all over me. I immediately called him out for being weird at the time. I should've seen that as a red flag from the beginning, but because we banter sometimes I thought it was just a one off (never have I made a single comment/joke about his body nor his religious beliefs)

To me it seems like maybe some of the comments aren't completely malicious but more so immature. That's not to say that he doesn't need to be made aware that he's acting immature. He also doesn't seem to have a concept that other people's life is their life and they shouldn't just keep commenting on what that person is doing because it's just not their place. Unless you said you were trying to get back together with your ex, why was he telling you to have some kind if make over to get your ex's attention?

Almost seems like he's watched too many teenage movies where the girl starts doing make overs, glow ups, whatever, and all of a sudden she's gorgeous and the ex realises what he's missing. And also how some movies portray that the woman goes to great lengths to pursue the ex. Like Elle Woods in Legally Blonde going to law school to impress her ex. It's like, why? First of all if your ex didn't like you the way you are, it's not meant to be. Why should you change yourself? And secondly, he's an ex for a reason so maybe he's better to stay an ex.

[Graystation108]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

He also doesn't seem to have a concept that other people's life is their life and they shouldn't just keep commenting on what that person is doing because it's just not their place.

I've mentioned this to him before the first time I called him out on it. Based on his actions after that, it seemed to me that he prioritized getting his point across instead of actually taking to heart that I don't want his opinion and to zip it. When he commented on my socials, I kept asking him why this is his business. Most people would get the hint and back off, and it wasn't until I started being short with him that he went "haha it's not personal or anything, we are friends and if I see something weird I'll point it out". The statement would've been valid except nothing in my socials consisted of anything that was politically offensive or violated the IG guidelines

[Batya33]

My sense is you suspected he might have romantic interest in you from the beginning.  I've had many close platonic male friends and never felt the need to instruct them to monitor their feelings and if the feelings were romantic to distance instead of perhaps -deciding they weren't strong enough to taint the friendship or whatever -one of my close male friends asked me for a date shortly after we first met in 1994 in school - I said no and it was never spoken of again. I think your friend is immature and odd and I think you proceeded with a friendship despite knowing he likely found you physically attractive and would want to date you based on his comments about your looks.  Starting off with an imbalance like that can be risky especially if the focus is confiding in him about your ex.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Graystation108 said:

, he made a comment saying if I lose a few pounds and cut bangs, my ex would be drooling all over me. I immediately called him out for being weird at the time. 

Hopefully you have deleted and blocked him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. He's basically a wiseass clown. 

"Negging is a PUA (pick-up artist) term. It basically means, you tease or make fun of something about a woman to make her let her guard down and feel like she has to prove something to you"

[Graystation108]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

you suspected he might have romantic interest in you from the beginning

I can see why you thought that was the case but it wasn't. The conversation came up because he sent me a reel of a guy secretly crushing on his female friend but she gagged at even the thought of being with him. He asked me what if this happened with my friends, and I gave a generic statement that I would hope they would be honest and distance themself if necessary, ie. this applied to him and any of my male friends

[Graystation108]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Hopefully you have deleted and blocked him and all his people from ALL your social media

We're actually schoolmates and study the same course so I will have to see him in school regardless. I have removed him as my IG follower but I haven't blocked him. My IG account is private so he loses access to what I post anyway. The fact that he doesn't have any other close friends from school helps so I don't have to block anyone else. He hasn't tried to contact me since which is good, but it's only been a week so we'll see

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Graystation108 said:

I can see why you thought that was the case but it wasn't. The conversation came up because he sent me a reel of a guy secretly crushing on his female friend but she gagged at even the thought of being with him. He asked me what if this happened with my friends, and I gave a generic statement that I would hope they would be honest and distance themself if necessary, ie. this applied to him and any of my male friends

Right so then you knew he likely was interested in  you.  Makes no sense otherwise to send that indirect "message" - unless it affected him personally.

[Graystation108]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Right so then you knew he likely was interested in  you.  Makes no sense otherwise to send that indirect "message" - unless it affected him personally.

Call me naïve, but I genuinely never thought of it that way until I talked to my other best friend on what he was doing and he questioned it. By that time I had already significantly pulled away. I did think the reel affected him personally, but I thought it was because he tried to ask a girl out last year but she rejected him

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, Graystation108 said:

Call me naïve, but I genuinely never thought of it that way until I talked to my other best friend on what he was doing and he questioned it. By that time I had already significantly pulled away. I did think the reel affected him personally, but I thought it was because he tried to ask a girl out last year but she rejected him

Oh I see -like he was asking your advice -indirectly -about another woman? Why then would he need to be indirect? 

[Graystation108]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Oh I see -like he was asking your advice -indirectly -about another woman? Why then would he need to be indirect? 

The reel was sent as a joke referring to him getting rejected. He has never had any dating experience prior so I guess in a way he was asking for advice for future relationships

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Graystation108 said:

The reel was sent as a joke referring to him getting rejected. He has never had any dating experience prior so I guess in a way he was asking for advice for future relationships

Oh. Ok.  You mentioned he is religious so maybe that also factors into his inexperience given potential restrictions on dating.

 

[Graystation108]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh. Ok.  You mentioned he is religious so maybe that also factors into his inexperience given potential restrictions on dating.

 

Yes and he said that he wants to focus on his career first before trying to date and he is someone who saves himself for marriage (not sure if this is relevant). I asked if he has any other close friends, he answered not much, and that it was mainly just me, that I was like a big sister to him. Maybe his inexperience in socializing led him to be this way, and I had given him some dating tips before, but at the end of the day, it's not my job to teach him anything, and it's especially not my job to teach him the very basic human decency of respecting people's boundaries

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Graystation108 said:

Yes and he said that he wants to focus on his career first before trying to date and he is someone who saves himself for marriage (not sure if this is relevant). I asked if he has any other close friends, he answered not much, and that it was mainly just me, that I was like a big sister to him. Maybe his inexperience in socializing led him to be this way, and I had given him some dating tips before, but at the end of the day, it's not my job to teach him anything, and it's especially not my job to teach him the very basic human decency of respecting people's boundaries

Right. This friendship sounds a bit imbalanced -on both ends!

[Graystation108]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Right. This friendship sounds a bit imbalanced -on both ends!

It started off roughly equal because we supported each other through placement, then it slowly shifted towards him getting the better end of the deal. I didn't mind at the time because I was happy to give some guidance and didn't see any red flags at the time. The only time it wasn't the case was when he listened to me cry on the phone for the first 2 weeks after my ex dumped me. Then I started noticing the frequent comments about my body, and then finally the social media posts. I had never confronted any friend like this before, I usually let the friendship fizzle out, but I decided for once that I shouldn't leave before standing up for myself. I expect, not hope, but expect him to respect my boundary of not conversing outside the topic of schoolwork, and if he pushes it he'll be blocked

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Graystation108 said:

It started off roughly equal because we supported each other through placement, then it slowly shifted towards him getting the better end of the deal. I didn't mind at the time because I was happy to give some guidance and didn't see any red flags at the time. The only time it wasn't the case was when he listened to me cry on the phone for the first 2 weeks after my ex dumped me. Then I started noticing the frequent comments about my body, and then finally the social media posts. I had never confronted any friend like this before, I usually let the friendship fizzle out, but I decided for once that I shouldn't leave before standing up for myself. I expect, not hope, but expect him to respect my boundary of not conversing outside the topic of schoolwork, and if he pushes it he'll be blocked

Sounds more like being each other's therapists than a friendship with stuff in common like interests, activities etc -I'm glad you've taken a step back -good choice.

[Graystation108]

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Sounds more like being each other's therapists than a friendship with stuff in common like interests, activities etc -I'm glad you've taken a step back -good choice.

I hope for his sake that he doesn’t do what he did to me to his future friends and partner. Most girls probably would’ve slapped him in the face and blocked him everywhere. Hopefully he learns his place as a friend after losing me as a consequence 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Graystation108 said:

I hope for his sake that he doesn’t do what he did to me to his future friends and partner. Most girls probably would’ve slapped him in the face and blocked him everywhere. Hopefully he learns his place as a friend after losing me as a consequence 

I mean it's none of your concern or business.  He will make his own choices and he may or may not care or feel like making any changes.  I respect your opinion about the reaction you think another woman would have had -I've never heard of violence like that as a reaction to someone saying what you described but obviously people are individuals (I would never support physical violence as a reaction for a number of reasons if someone asked me -no one has LOL).