Loka56

yes.

I know you guys will say that I should talk to the psychologist. I will. I just wanted to get this out.

When he said that he didn't want me to do this, I said, 'sorry, I didn't know this is how you feel.' Even talking feels useless to me right now. Nothing can change a human. Can you guys suggest something that will help me get my mind busy?

My husband and I are remote employees. I work from home. He has been working from home for a month. Nurturing and taking care of people around me is my love language. I have grounds to prove it: 1. When my bonus kids come back home from tuition, I make sure I have prepared something to eat for them. I ask them if they have drank water or not (they forget to drink water, they rarely feel thirsty, and the eldest one hates water for no reason) and ask them to drink. 2. I cut fruits, specifically those that have a high fiber content in them, for my MIL and myself to eat before lunch. I did the same for my grand MIL. I used to do the same at my mom's house for my siblings. Now, we have a work desk in our drawing room. My husband works there. We both work till morning from evening. My husband also forgets to drink water. So, what I do is I get up every hour and go to his desk to give him a glass of water. I also bring him fruits or anything else we have to eat. He mostly has earphones on. When I walk into the drawing-room, I make noise of walking so that he won't get startled. I get startled easily. I assume he would, too. So, I suppose he might not hear me coming. Today, we sat face to face, and he asked me to stop doing this because he thinks that I keep a check on him. He thinks that I do this to see what he is doing. This behavior of mine has been the same ever since we got married. When he took time off for our wedding, he used to play PUBG all the time, and I did the same, bringing him water and fruits and anything else we had to eat. Now, he works all night and doesn't come to connect with me at any moment of the day. He has been cold with me since last night. I wanted to spend time with him, so I went to the drawing-room multiple times and sat there for minutes, hoping that he would take a moment and talk to me. after all the efforts, I decided to be more explicit and went there with a glass of water, he was watching a video, and I hugged him from behind, and he said, 'what the ***' I apologized and get out of the room. i think he is not at fault here. He was always the same. i was always like this, wishing that he'd pay attention to me, give more time to me, talk to me a bit more. I am consulting with a psychologist. She is married, experienced in life, and someone I listen to.

I didn't say it again. But today, I said, 'Do you want me to live with you?' which I think is same, and must have sound the same.

A valid point, but I think a non-married marriage therapist would be using learnings from books instead of any kind of personal or professional experience.

His flight is tomorrow night. I want to make it up to him. Any suggestions other than making his favorite food? He is so easy to please, but I want to make some effort.

Progress on psychologists: I couldn't find psychologists who specialize in marriage and family matters. The ones I found aren't married, and I am married to a single dad of four kids. I think it is pointless to talk to someone who is not married. BetterHelp seems to be the last option, but - it is expensive - it is not in my native language, and I suck at English speaking+writing.

Guys, it's less than a month to this thread, and the same thing happened again. 😞 What happened: He was watching an FB video, and I was next to him, trying to sleep. I couldn't sleep, so I turned to him to get close. As I tried getting close to him, he tried getting away, hiding his mobile screen, which made me look at his phone. I saw a woman with no clothes on in front of a well-dressed man, and the background was white. He said, 'What are you doing? You startled me,' I replied, 'I am just trying to get close to you, nothing more than that,' and turned away. After a couple of minutes, I asked what you were watching, and he said, 'Nothing.' I said,' I saw there was a woman with no clothes on and a white background.' he said, okay, let me show you, and he showed me the video he was watching. I turned to the other side and slept. This was the Monday night. The next day, everything was cool. In fact, the kid's mom made some false accusations about me in the court. The typical way of presenting a stepmom in custody court. My hubby and I thought that we should talk about this move of their mom with them. On Tuesday, the eldest son had an appointment with the child psychologist, and my husband wanted me to talk to the eldest son about the case accusation before his appointment so that he could address how he feels about this in his session. I did it before my husband woke up. And when he woke up, I told him about this. He was so happy, and he appreciated the way I talked and said,' You handle these things so well' On Tuesday, I was happy all day long. I had very good moments with my MIL and kids. I was waiting for the night to come and see him. I was tired, and I fell asleep a bit earlier than usual, but I woke up after two hours and saw him busy with YouTube shorts. I waited for like 45 minutes, then asked him if he was upset with me. he said, yes, I am upset about what happened last night. It makes me feel like you are trying to keep an eye on me. You were next to me the whole time I was watching game videos, and as soon as I started watching that particular video, you got close to confronting me. This, his statement that it was planned like I wanted to confront him, got me defensive because it wasn't the case, and instead of saying sorry, I started explaining myself and started an argument. And he said, 'I don't want to talk about it right now I am already exhausted' What I should have done was listen to his request and give him some room to cool down. But I started saying sorry and expected him to be okay instantly. It resulted in irritating him to the extent that he shut me down with a loud manly voice which scared the hell out of me, and I slept on the floor in anger, crying. I didn't sleep the whole night, so he is. I was so angry at him that I didn't make breakfast. He is going to Dubai for 10 days to attend a conference on Friday night. On Wednesday, I didn't do anything for him and kept thinking that he didn't need me because he wasn't asking me for anything. On Wednesday night, he was packing his stuff alone, which was taxing for him, and I didn't help. I worked till 3 AM and then went to the bedroom, he was watching something on his phone, and I slept on the floor again. Throughout the night, I woke up multiple times because he was unable to fall asleep. He started doing his office work. Now, on Thursday, I asked the wrong question, 'Do you want me to live with you' and then we started talking. Everything else is good. What I am sick of is the way I think of these tiny quarrels and start thinking that he doesn't need me. The way I was angry at him the whole day and didn't help him in anything is so bad. On Wednesday, my mother-in-law (MIL) saw me in a low-energy mood, so she said that I should rest. I was sleep-deprived, so I slept from 4 PM to 6PM. Then my MIL took me out on a dinner, just she and I, while the kids were at their aunt's. Kids, too, noticed that I was not as lively as I am usually. The second son, who is the most difficult one among these four, said, 'mummy, are you taking off of work today? I said, no. He replied, I'll do my homework on my own today, you can rest or do your office work, you are looking so low in energy.' The youngest one of these four said, 'mummy, today I will change to night dress on my own. I am a big girl now.' I am looking for insights on how to be an adult 😢

I think it is not about dictating his life. You just need to make it clear that you are not feeling comfortable. The decision is his. I don't know many courses of action in such scenarios, but if my other half makes it clear that something is making him uncomfortable, I'd stop doing that (for good or maybe for the time being) to make sure that we are past that 'uncomfortable' stage. Otherwise, I'll be uncomfortable too.

Thank you for mentioning this. I will surely start using it.

Thank you so much @Cherylyn. Honestly, my behavior is concerning for me. I just don't want to keep doing that. I used to journal before getting married; back then, it was a bit easier to control my emotional outbursts. I am going to resume that.

I don't want to answer this one.

He puts on his earphones while we are having a chat and asks me 'can you repeat what you said' with a loud voice. Yes, the conversation was going smoothly until this ^ happened.

Thank you for your response. He said I behaved like a toddler who loves her daddy when he brings her favorite candy, and if not, then daddy is a bad person. And it clicked.