Emotional affair and online gaming

[AdrianaKimKrintle]

Firstly I am not looking for anyone to be telling me to kick him to the curb or anything like that, we are working on staying together in the relationship. For a bit of background my partner made an unfortunate mistake while I was pregnant and had an emotional affair with a cam girl, during this affair he invited her to play an online game that he played before this all started. When it ended after I found out he stopped playing the game for a while but has recently set up a new profile (to ease my concerns they could re-connect this way) and plays it a bit now but it still makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to be the sort of person who dictates his life and if he played this game before they met, should it be an issue that he plays it now?

[Loka56]

I think it is not about dictating his life. You just need to make it clear that you are not feeling comfortable. The decision is his. I don't know many courses of action in such scenarios, but if my other half makes it clear that something is making him uncomfortable, I'd stop doing that (for good or maybe for the time being) to make sure that we are past that 'uncomfortable' stage. Otherwise, I'll be uncomfortable too. 

[Kwothe28]

If he is working to stay together with you, he wouldnt cross boundaries again and set up a new profile for the game. While probably again giving some E Thot money and trying to bed her. 

But you already decided that kind of behavior is acceptable to you and that you wont punish him for it and kick him to the curb, so good luck lol

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, AdrianaKimKrintle said:

 my partner made an unfortunate mistake while I was pregnant and had an emotional affair with a cam girl, during this affair he invited her to play an online game that he played before this all started. 

Sorry this happened. This is not an "emotional affair". This is engaging sex workers.  Unfortunately it's no "mistake". He actively sought out and possibly paid for these services that are often advertised on gaming apps. 

. Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done including STDs. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Sadly what you stumble upon could be the tip of the iceberg as far as his propensity for engaging sex workers and extracurricular sexual activities and encounters.  Consider asking him to get evaluated for sex addiction. 

[AdrianaKimKrintle]

Thank you for your response but this isn't what I was asking. 

I am aware of the extent of what went on, we have moved past this part. He has not engaged anyone physically of this I am certain so I am not worried about this. 

[Andrina]

I'm assuming you found out the first time without any sleuthing. Secrets have a way of coming out. So perhaps the advice you are seeking is that because you assume you've ironed everything out, have trust unless you find the same problem popping its ugly head up again. 

If a secret exists, it will eventually be revealed without you having to do anything. Perhaps think of a mantra when your worries get to you, such as: Let time do its thing to reveal all. I have the resiliency to handle anything.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, AdrianaKimKrintle said:

...it still makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to be the sort of person who dictates his life and if he played this game before they met, should it be an issue that he plays it now?

You feel how you feel. He may have played before, but didn't it have something to do with how they met?

It's not 'dictating' to express how you feel. Are you afraid that if you did so, he'd ignore your feelings and play anyway? Or that the'd stop, but resent you for it?

Not only are your feelings valid, but so are your fears and concerns. I can appreciate the desire to ask for something more comforting from us, but we don't have a crystal ball that can tell you anything you don't already know. You get to decide how much discomfort you're willing to live with.

[boltnrun]

I agree, not a mistake. A deliberate act. Several deliberate acts. 

As for how to manage your fear and anxiety? Communication. If you have chosen to trust your husband it must be because he reassures you in a way that comes across as sincere. Otherwise you wouldn't be willing to set aside his previous infidelity and continue in the marriage. So with the level of trust you have in him it should be easy to communicate your fears and anxieties to him and allow him to respond. 

What does reassurance look like to you? Ideally, what could he do to help your fears disappear or be greatly minimized? 

[Batya33]

I agree communication. It's not an "emotional affair" - your husband justified interacting online with a sex worker.  It wasn't a mistake.  He did this intentionally because he felt like it.  So communicate your expectations and boundaries.  If you are fine with him interacting with a sex worker online as long as he doesn't meet in person tell him that. 

[Tinydance]

Well I don't think playing the game is the problem. Many people play online games but they don't have affairs. You're saying that you moved past it but it doesn't really seem like you have because you don't trust him. If you can trust him again then you would actually need to trust that he won't do anything again. Like, he'll go to work and there will be female colleagues there, he'll go to a party where there are women, get served by a female waitress, etc. There are women everywhere and any man can cheat any time but they don't because they choose not to.

If you think he'll cheat again by playing the game then I don't think you were actually able to move past it. The game itself isn't a problem if he's playing alone or with male friends or something. You could make him delete the game but the game itself isn't the issue. You can't really control everything he does like always check his phone, laptop, social media, etc. You'll need to trust he won't do it again and if you can't then it doesn't seem that you actually can get past it.

[MissCanuck]

The game isn't the problem, in an of itself. 

The problem is that you know he lacks respect for you, and has it in him to chase other women. To have done so while you were pregnant is a special kind of awful. 

That isn't a problem not having a game is going to fix. So, what other steps did he take to regain your trust after he cheated? 

18 hours ago, AdrianaKimKrintle said:

I am not looking for anyone to be telling me to kick him to the curb

Then this is what you have signed up for: a lifetime of looking over your shoulder and wondering if he is cheating again. As I said above, you know this guy is seriously lacking in intregrity. The game isn't the issue. Not even close. You're focusing on the wrong thing, which is probably why you haven't really moved past his affair (understandably so) 

 

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, AdrianaKimKrintle said:

 while I was pregnant and had an emotional affair with a cam girl, during this affair he invited her to play an online game. he stopped playing the game for a while but has recently set up a new profile 

How long have you been together? It's unclear why after paying a cam sex worker and gaming with this woman, why you're ok with him simply setting up another profile. Especially since he has a habit of making "unfortunate mistakes".

Have your friends and family suggested "kicking him to the curb"?  Perhaps trusted friends and family are trying to be supportive and help you open your eyes to the situation? It seems like you're condoning his actions so much so that you don't want to spoil his fun even if he's wasting his time on sex workers and gaming. 

[AdrianaKimKrintle]

16 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I agree, not a mistake. A deliberate act. Several deliberate acts. 

As for how to manage your fear and anxiety? Communication. If you have chosen to trust your husband it must be because he reassures you in a way that comes across as sincere. Otherwise you wouldn't be willing to set aside his previous infidelity and continue in the marriage. So with the level of trust you have in him it should be easy to communicate your fears and anxieties to him and allow him to respond. 

What does reassurance look like to you? Ideally, what could he do to help your fears disappear or be greatly minimized? 

This helped me actually because in a way he already has, he created a whole new profile so there is no chance of her contacting him. He is also very transparent with his phone and devices now so he does do everything he can to make me feel comfortable. 

[AdrianaKimKrintle]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been together? It's unclear why after paying a cam sex worker and gaming with this woman, why you're ok with him simply setting up another profile. Especially since he has a habit of making "unfortunate mistakes".

Have your friends and family suggested "kicking him to the curb"?  Perhaps trusted friends and family are trying to be supportive and help you open your eyes to the situation? It seems like you're condoning his actions so much so that you don't want to spoil his fun even if he's wasting his time on sex workers and gaming. 

We have been together for 18 years and aside from this he has always been of exemplary character. He fell into depression and says that talking to a stranger online was easier than coming to me or family or friends with his problems. Since it finished he is very open with his emotions to me and family/friends. He was open about what happened to our friends and his own Mother which was hugely embarrassing for him but showed me he is willing to change. He is fully aware what a repeat of the transgression would result in and I believe him when he says he dosent want to lose me and his son. The ball is in his court so to speak, the game included. I guess although I disagree with some of your points and they seem overly harsh I have to thank you as it made me think more about my situation and come to my own conclusions. 

[AdrianaKimKrintle]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

The game isn't the problem, in an of itself. 

The problem is that you know he lacks respect for you, and has it in him to chase other women. To have done so while you were pregnant is a special kind of awful. 

That isn't a problem not having a game is going to fix. So, what other steps did he take to regain your trust after he cheated? 

Then this is what you have signed up for: a lifetime of looking over your shoulder and wondering if he is cheating again. As I said above, you know this guy is seriously lacking in intregrity. The game isn't the issue. Not even close. You're focusing on the wrong thing, which is probably why you haven't really moved past his affair (understandably so) 

 

In fairness to him he has done a lot to show me that version of him is gone. He is very open with his devices, is unserstanding of my mental health issues as a result, is owning his mistakes, has told friends and family what he did and we have both made new promises for our relationship. The old relationship, along with the boy who did this are dead, the person he is showing me he is every day is a person who I believe I can trust again. Maybe I am focusing on the wrong thing, but maybe it's the only part of it that still brings me worry. 

[AdrianaKimKrintle]

6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well I don't think playing the game is the problem. Many people play online games but they don't have affairs. You're saying that you moved past it but it doesn't really seem like you have because you don't trust him. If you can trust him again then you would actually need to trust that he won't do anything again. Like, he'll go to work and there will be female colleagues there, he'll go to a party where there are women, get served by a female waitress, etc. There are women everywhere and any man can cheat any time but they don't because they choose not to.

If you think he'll cheat again by playing the game then I don't think you were actually able to move past it. The game itself isn't a problem if he's playing alone or with male friends or something. You could make him delete the game but the game itself isn't the issue. You can't really control everything he does like always check his phone, laptop, social media, etc. You'll need to trust he won't do it again and if you can't then it doesn't seem that you actually can get past it.

Thank you, this is helpful.

[AdrianaKimKrintle]

15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree communication. It's not an "emotional affair" - your husband justified interacting online with a sex worker.  It wasn't a mistake.  He did this intentionally because he felt like it.  So communicate your expectations and boundaries.  If you are fine with him interacting with a sex worker online as long as he doesn't meet in person tell him that. 

I'm not OK with that type of porn at all and he has been made very aware of that. He also has been made aware that if he goes back there we are through. Everyone deserves one chance and 18 years is a lot of throw away because of a couple of months of arseholery.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, AdrianaKimKrintle said:

I'm not OK with that type of porn at all and he has been made very aware of that. He also has been made aware that if he goes back there we are through. Everyone deserves one chance and 18 years is a lot of throw away because of a couple of months of arseholery.

I mean totally if your standard is everyone deserves one chance no matter what you do you.  Are you going to put parental controls or other monitors on his devices? Are you simply not going to monitor and choose to trust him at his word since this is the first time in 18 years and your mantra is everyone deserves one chance? Do you have the time and resources and strong stomach to monitor his devices? Are you sure he doesn't own a separate device? Or do you trust that?

I'd go from the abstract "everyone deserves a chance" to very specific nitty gritty steps you plan to take -or not take -and communicate that to him so you're all on the same page.  Obviously if he is as exemplary as you say he should be thrilled at your specificity.  What does he plan to do if he feels sad again and wants to react by looking at porn? Does he have a plan?

[boltnrun]

6 hours ago, AdrianaKimKrintle said:

This helped me actually because in a way he already has, he created a whole new profile so there is no chance of her contacting him. He is also very transparent with his phone and devices now so he does do everything he can to make me feel comfortable. 

So you're confident he won't ever do this again, with the same woman or another woman?

I ask because my friend went through something similar except it wasn't a sex worker.  Her husband took a job out of state and engaged in an emotional affair with a coworker.  My friend found out.  Her husband came back home and said he wanted to make it up to her and be an exemplary husband.  She chose to believe him because they'd been together many years.  A couple years later he again took a job out of state.   This time he took the opportunity to engage in multiple affairs, unfortunately for her.  After a year or two of this she divorced him as she could see he hadn't been sincere when he made those promises to her.

If you feel confident taking your husband's word that he won't engage in extramarital inappropriate behavior then I presume your anxiety and fear are no longer present.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If you feel confident taking your husband's word that he won't engage in extramarital inappropriate behavior then I presume your anxiety and fear are no longer present.

This, or, your private, innermost feelings may fluctuate at times, and this may or may not be something that your husband can help you to resolve. That's why it's important to stay true to yourself on the question of whether this is how you will want to continue living, or not. This isn't a value judgment, and it's not about 'shoulds,' it's about recognizing that your own inner feelings about how you want to live are yours alone to make--regardless of whether external factors 'prove' your feelings, or not.

[smackie9]

You still feel there's unfinished business as to why it happened. That's why his gaming is still triggering you. I think you need to go over with him on why it led up to this emotional affair...something must have happened that would lead him away like that, it could be as simple as not feeling desired or life feels like it in a rut, etc. As you discuss it, those little things will pop up and start to make sense....getting more knowledge on it will ease the hurt and paranoia. It will give you more confidence that this thing is resolved.