A clash between my expectations and reality.

[Loka56]

My husband and I are remote employees. I work from home. He has been working from home for a month. 

Nurturing and taking care of people around me is my love language. I have grounds to prove it: 

1. When my bonus kids come back home from tuition, I make sure I have prepared something to eat for them. I ask them if they have drank water or not (they forget to drink water, they rarely feel thirsty, and the eldest one hates water for no reason) and ask them to drink. 

2. I cut fruits, specifically those that have a high fiber content in them, for my MIL and myself to eat before lunch. I did the same for my grand MIL. I used to do the same at my mom's house for my siblings. 

Now, we have a work desk in our drawing room. My husband works there. We both work till morning from evening. My husband also forgets to drink water. So, what I do is I get up every hour and go to his desk to give him a glass of water. I also bring him fruits or anything else we have to eat. He mostly has earphones on. When I walk into the drawing-room, I make noise of walking so that he won't get startled. I get startled easily. I assume he would, too. So, I suppose he might not hear me coming. Today, we sat face to face, and he asked me to stop doing this because he thinks that I keep a check on him. He thinks that I do this to see what he is doing. This behavior of mine has been the same ever since we got married. When he took time off for our wedding, he used to play PUBG all the time, and I did the same, bringing him water and fruits and anything else we had to eat. Now, he works all night and doesn't come to connect with me at any moment of the day. 

He has been cold with me since last night. I wanted to spend time with him, so I went to the drawing-room multiple times and sat there for minutes, hoping that he would take a moment and talk to me. after all the efforts, I decided to be more explicit and went there with a glass of water, he was watching a video, and I hugged him from behind, and he said, 'what the ***' I apologized and get out of the room. 

i think he is not at fault here. He was always the same. i was always like this, wishing that he'd pay attention to me, give more time to me, talk to me a bit more. 

I am consulting with a psychologist. She is married, experienced in life, and someone I listen to. 

[Loka56]

When he said that he didn't want me to do this, I said, 'sorry, I didn't know this is how you feel.' 

Even talking feels useless to me right now. Nothing can change a human. Can you guys suggest something that will help me get my mind busy? 

[Loka56]

I know you guys will say that I should talk to the psychologist. I will. I just wanted to get this out. 

[boltnrun]

Are you trying to get your husband to act loving toward you?

[Loka56]

yes. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@Loka56there is a member here @catfeederand I hope she doesn't mind my pasting her signature line here:

"Try backing off. It seems to be a well kept secret how many wonders occur and problems straighten out when we do nothing but leave someone alone."

Through experience I have found this to be SO true!!  You simply cannot force your husband to want to pay attention to you, and tbh I am a woman but I can completely relate to his feelings and reactions.

I understand you have a nurturing nature and you do what you do out of love, but sometimes our love can be overwhelming to people at certain times.  

Again, read what I quoted from catfeeder.  You may find that if/when you back off and leave him alone, he may end up wanting to move closer to you and giving you the attention you seek all on his own without your having to "beg" for it which is how it may appear to him and annoying to him.  It pushes him away rather than brings him closer.

Just go do your own thing.  Watch a movie, read a book, talk with a friend, peruse ENA!!  LOL

 

[catfeeder]

Thank you, RR. @Loka56, hovering is a nervous habit that it's best to train yourself to drop. I've found that when someone close treats me as though they take me for granted, pulling back does us both a big favor. I invest my focus in my own interests, mental and physical health, and my own social life, where I dress up and spend my time with people who can use my attention and help.

This creates enough of a gap for the other person to reflect. You may find that he grows more attentive once you've moved forward with your own life and you've stopped suffocating him by making him the center of your universe. You'll become more interesting, and he will value you more given that there is now some competition for your attention.

Give this man the gift of missing you. You'll thank yourself regardless of whether he steps up, or not. If so, you'll enjoy the renewal of your mutual interest, and if not, you'll have already begun cultivating your world beyond him.

[Andrina]

Your behavior sounds more like a controlling mother hen, that you know what's best for everyone and make sure, gosh darn it, that they'll get it whether they like it or not.

Yes, water is healthier than other considerations, but there's nothing wrong with other options like chocolate milk and there are some fruit juices that have less sugar than others. I'd just have a variety of options stocked in your fridge of food and drinks and tell your bonus kids that it's all there for them to take when they want. Stop serving them, as well as taking water, etc., to your husband since that behavior just might have him seeing you as a motherly figure instead of a sexy wife.

Like others have pointed out, what kind of life do you have besides catering to your family? If you don't have any days or nights out with friends, plus don't have a hobby or two that gets you out of the house without your husband, begin adding those types of things to your life.

Those things have many benefits. For your own fulfillment, and not putting all your eggs in one basket, since if you divorced, you'd be losing everyone in your life if you hadn't a separate support system besides them. Having an independent life besides your husband will also let him miss you, and you will have other interesting things to talk about other than family happenings.

Often, the best way to change someone else is to change yourself. That said, if he still doesn't make you a priority, ask for what you want. A date night a few times a month? Dinner without the distraction of cell phones and TV? Whatever the case, if it's a reasonable request and he doesn't care to please you, then he doesn't care enough, and then you have decisions to make if he's not worthy to be your lifetime partner.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[smackie9]

Ok I'm just going to say this (being with my partner for over 34 years) If you want him to change towards you, you have to change too. Make sense? Time to break those old habits because they never worked. You two need separate work spaces for one. Pretend he's a work somewhere else...you can't be bringing him fruits or water. He's a grown ass man he can get it himself...so stay out of his space while he works. Focus on yourself, and stop revolving around him. There is more to life than having a husband. You may feel guilty at first like a lot of women do but, you deserve to go out and get your nails done, or go have coffee with a friend, take up a physical activity like going to the gym or ride a bike, take an evening walk, have a hot bubble bath, read a book. To have a life outside the relationship, revitalizes the relationship. Keeps things fresh. Do these things little at a time, then start picking up speed. You will be amazed with the reaction from your husband. He will like the new independent you. To be desirable is to be less available. Be less available to him. 

[Wiseman2]

On 4/5/2024 at 4:17 PM, Loka56 said:

I am cnsulting with a psychologist. She is married, experienced in life, and someone I listen to. 

That's a good start. What does she suggest as far as smothering and hovering for attention and better ways to create one-on-one time and emotional intimacy?