WintersDay

Thankyou. Like I say, I’m taking it super slow. I wasn’t ready whatsoever when this man turned up and I told him that and have been completely honest from the outset that initially I worried this was a rebound…..he’s been solid as a rock when I’ve been upset and most people would have run a mile and continues to surpass expectations. My ex has very strangely had an office built for him in my department that he has absolutely no business being in. At the same time, the info about the young women came filtering through and on top of that I was told by my family about his prior plans to marry me etc………it’s been a really tough time and I really pulled away from this new guy at the time who quietly and persistently has been there throughout and said he understood I was hugely hurt and having a very difficult time but he wanted to keep seeing me at my own pace. I was shell shocked. I’ve now started to get over these feelings and really start to like him a lot. It’s been an odd dynamic of meeting someone whilst heartbroken compared to all my previous experiences of ‘fireworks’ when meeting people previously. I don’t know what any of the future holds but I’ve been hurt so much by pinning everything on my future that I’m now ready to let go for a bit, live in the here and now and see what happens

Thankyou. I’m getting there. Having spent months of being absolutely incredulous as to how people can behave the way they do to good people and beating myself up about how hung up and how long it was taking to feel better, I’m finally coming to the realisation that the one person who is going to be better off after all of this is me. I doubt my ex will do any self reflection, work, or change his behaviour and will likely repeat the same pattern again. I on the other hand have really done a deep deep dive into behaviours and boundaries I will speak up about in the future.

So, a brief over view of my story is available on some of my other posts of a breakup that literally broke me and rocked my world - never has a breakup ever affected me like this before dealing with full blown panic attacks, losing 2 stone in weight…..mourning the loss of my home, best friend and possibility of me ever having kids……. I really struggled as he works at the same place and such was my love or him, I really struggled to get into any sort of ‘anger’ despite what I realise now, was an absolutely appalling way to treat someone. He covertly ousted me from our home, devalued and denigrated me over the course of two weeks and then stone walled me out of nowhere just before buying our own home and him telling all my friends and family he was going to propose to me. Anyway, I’m at 6.5 month stage now and honestly the thought of my ex and being with my ex utterly disgusts me. I know anger and disgust aren’t ‘nice or healthy’ feelings but I am so thankful they are now here. I have also started dating the most gorgeous man who I tried to keep at arms length as I told him I was still healing and no where near ready (how he didn’t run a mile I have no idea!?) He’s everything my ex isn’t. Patient, humble and completely unselfish. Ive no idea where it’s going to go but we’re taking things very slow and enjoying each others company. I continue to be super open with him about ‘where I’m at’ in terms of moving on and how I feel about what’s happened to me. My 45 year old ex is still apparently going out getting wasted and chasing girls in their early 20’s……I hope he finds whatever it is he was ‘missing’ from the person who adored him for 4 years and was ready to give him everything he said he wanted. I’ve now told work colleagues I don’t wish to hear anything about his further behaviour/dalliances so to kindly not tell me. I’m not 100% healed (more like 75%) but really starting to feel like there’s progress being made!

He didn’t say that and nor did I ask him that question.

He didn’t say no, he said he wants to talk more first before we see each other outside - that’s what my question was about. Sometimes mending things takes time and is done slowly, especially I think on a fear based breakup (lots of stories following that path on this very forum) Like I say, I haven’t chased him and will not chase him further but continue to forge the friendly interactions when we do see each other at work (they are few and far between luckily) all I wanted was a bit of advice on how to proceed - it is the ‘getting back together’ forum after all.

Again, I am not, and have not, been ‘chasing’ him as you so bluntly put it. Please take your negativity and lack of empathy somewhere else, it’s not appreciated - it’s not the first time I’ve seen you react to other posters this way and they haven’t appreciated it either judging by their replies. I emailed him afterwards to say how lovely it was we could talk and he agreed. It’s been an absolutely horrible time to go through this with a man who basically ran scared. It’s called mending broken bridges and I don’t think there is anything wrong with me being friendly and attempting to do so.

I’m not ‘chasing him’ whatsoever but Thankyou.

So….horrible out of the blue break up that’s been about 5.5 months now and god was I utterly devastated. My ex wasn’t particularly great either and basically just stonewalled me out of a happy 4 year Relationship (big life changes were coming and I got the whole ‘somethings missing’ line - I think he basically just ran off from house/engagement plans that were coming up despite him initiating them) Anyway, as time has gone on I’m now no longer the anxious heartbroken mess I was (but admittedly would still like to repair things and still have some sadness over it all) I’ve been super busy with study, friends, work, hobbies etc. lost 10kgs and looking good. Been on a handful of dates and enjoyed myself but no where near ready to open up my heart or feel the ‘excitement’ of it so I’m going to dial back on dating for a while… Onto my ex…..I don’t think he’s seen single life quite how he thought it might turn out. He was heard lamenting at work how he’s destined to be a lonely old bachelor and a few weeks ago I’d heard he’d been out at some club (he’s 45 and likes quiet pubs) was horrendously drunk to the point he was thrown out and was trying it on with girls 20 years younger than him who rejected him……(might have brought the old ego down a notch or two - I was quite pleased to hear it actually) Anyway, last week by chance we finally ended up alone in each others company at work and finally ended up having the most lovely conversation joking about work, asking about families, Xmas etc. I didn’t want it to end. I sent him an email afterwards just to say how lovely it was and would he like to meet me for a beer to have a proper catch up. He replied saying he agreed but wanted to interact with some more chats at work first before meeting up? A little bit confusing….what do people make of that? Im going to continue putting one foot in front of the other and ride this out (it’s all I can do) but would dearly love for him to come around to thinking we could try again.

Thankyou. I try my best. As much as I’ve ruminated, cried and completely overthought everything someone at work said something really quite lovely to me the other day….. I’ve basically lost about 14kgs since the breakup and now into a UK size 8. I wore a designer dress to our Xmas party the other week I haven’t worn since I was 24. Obviously it’s not a diet to be recommended but it has actually helped my confidence that people come up to me and say how great I’m looking. I feel so much better for it and I’ve kept it up…..my colleague commented the other day she felt bad for saying how well I was looking weeks ago without knowing I was breaking, to quote her the other day ‘none of us had absolutely any idea any of this had happened, you’ve been so strong!’ I really wish I could confess to her that in reality I’ve been a complete bloody mess the entire time (my poor mum will attest to that, she’s been amazing) Im in my dream job, and at 38 have spent the last five years returning to academia as well as working full time and hence I have tried my absolute best to keep things looking good in the workplace whilst still being able to have some vulnerability there which I think is a good thing when having worked in a hospital for so very long. As ‘hope’ is fading (and it is, slowly, I wish I could make it go quicker) I am getting glimmers of knowing that I’ve acted right, that this is all on him, and by the time it all hits this sorry specimen of a man of how great he actually had things I will no longer care and he will have to witness the entire show played out before him. I love these strong moments. I’m trying my very best to grab onto them when they are here x

One thing throughout all of this that I am extremely proud of is that I have not bad mouthed him to ANY of my co-workers. At best all they have had from me is that I was really hurt and I don’t understand what’s happened. I did hear his previous ex (who also worked at the same place) made things very difficult for him - tried to punch him, contacted him through the company operators when he was working at night, made huge crying scenes and slagged him off to anyone and everyone who would listen. I wonder if the complete stone cold avoidance and mean glares were perhaps somewhat attributed to those previous experiences he had…..anyway, what does it matter now? The self made pressure cooker statement actually really resonates…..he was doing this across so many aspects of life prior to him getting rid of me. He’s not a happy man and lord knows what other thing he will need to change or get rid of next. Good luck to him. Thankyou so much for your kind words. I intend to keep holding my head high and not changing the kind and decent person that I know I am x

Thankyou. And yes, it feels great the cold shoulder has gone. That’s the effect I wanted (and yes, admittedly a small part wanted to give him a small push in my direction) It came from a place of wanting to feel some sort of peace and I feel it’s done both of those things and I’ve got my answers.

I’m sorry it happened to you too. It’s hard to fathom at the time isn’t it? Another job is an impossibility sadly. I’ve been here 17 years, worked my way and up finally been put on a Masters course and in my dream role which has all been funded by my employer - it’s pretty specialised too so would involve moving across the country to do it elsewhere - absolutely nobody is worth me giving that up for. Like I say, I feel better now the ‘frost’ has gone. It’s been dreadful and quite frankly mentally draining.

Thankyou. Like I say, I’m being completely honest when I say it was done with the slight intention of giving him a little push shall we say - the feeling of wanting him back is natural and is going to reside (but hopefully slowly ebb away!) for a little while yet. However, I am glad I’ve done it. It’s a stark contrast to having to constantly walk around my work place wondering when I’m going to get hit with the next evil glare, be ignored or be on the receiving end of some fake terse ‘hi’ when he thinks someone’s watching. I’m tired of feeling like that so hopefully breaking that ice a bit will help me feel happier whilst I’m there. Merry xmas

Now….I already know I’m going to get blasted for this. Apologies in advance for the long post. For people who don’t know my backstory (I’ve posted the full details of my struggles and the BU previously for the full story) I’m 38 and my 44 bf broke up with me out of the blue in August after 4 really happy years together. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been devastated as we were in the process of buying a house, talks of marriage, family etc etc and he dropped me like a rock out of absolutely nowhere citing ‘somethings missing’ (this is a man who had never been with anyone longer than 18 months before me) This came out of absolutely nowhere - and no, there isn’t a 3rd party (He, and mutual friends have been clear on this) It’s been HARD. I’m normally such an easy going chilled person and suffered full blown panic attacks for the first time in my life. I’m 38, ended up back home with my mum, lost my partner, best friend, future, possibility of family etc etc. Anyway, the thing that’s made it harder is that he works in the same organisation as me. We don’t work together but will pass time to time. Once a week tops? The whole time he’s either ignored me, blanked me or said a very terse hello when other people have been around him. You would think I would have had an affair or something? My boss (who is his friend) was pretty unsupportive and all I was told by her was to pull my big girl knickers up. She’s now moved him into an office in our department (of literally three people) Lots and lots of reflection and self love has gone into me accepting that all of this is all on him and his insecurities and not me and something I’ve done ‘wrong’ which is what I’ve spent weeks and weeks feeling like. Anyhow, time passes…and Christmas comes along and it’s time for sending cards out etc that I do every year. At the same time I’m healing and becoming so much more emotionally regulated (whilst still wanting to really process what the hell has happened) I went back and forth with myself and figured it would look pretty crappy if I didn’t include him. I sent a simple one with generic wishes. Randomly came across him today (he was walking through the halls rushing to surgery whilst on a call) He halted the call, gave me the the biggest smile, thanked me for the card and wished me and my family a lovely Christmas. Polite? Yes. But it’s a huge huge change from the man who had a complete freak out and has avoided me like the plague ever since. I’m not quite feeling indifferent yet (or else I wouldn’t be posting on here) but I will feel so much happier knowing that we are at least on speaking terms rather than having to spend every day at work with eyes in the back of my head. I guess I’m now in the weird mid point of wanting him back more than anything and wanting to forget. I guess the only thing to do now is NC but I’m now wondering wether time, space, getting into his own head, holidays etc etc have softened him a little or to help my own healing Any advice either way? It’s a bit of a rocky time. I’m obviously the broken-hearted women who would love to sort things out. I’m chucking myself into work, gym, post grad uni, friends and have also had a couple of (awful) dates since. Do I just keep moving forward and keep a tiny bit of hope that Peter Pan might realise what he’s thrown away? He was apparently lamenting the other day he’s going to be a lonely old bachelor forever. I’m trying my absolute best. I’ve been out on dates but so far nothing is connecting compared to him. It just all feels fake, I’m also stressing like hell that no one has ever sparked those feelings of wanting family/future like he has before and I’m now going to struggle. Would love to hear thoughts/advice Thankyou x

That’s the sad thing. Literally all our friends, family etc are shocked and confused over this. No one saw it coming, least of all me. It’s the feeling powerless to be able to try and put things right that I’m struggling with. I feel there is literally nothing I can do? I still love him. That hurts. I hope he’s made the right decision for himself.