A slight twist in events…..people’s thoughts?

[WintersDay]

Now….I already know I’m going to get blasted for this. Apologies in advance for the long post. 

For people who don’t know my backstory (I’ve posted the full details of my struggles and the BU previously for the full story) I’m 38 and my 44 bf broke up with me out of the blue in August after 4 really happy years together. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been devastated as we were in the process of buying a house, talks of marriage, family etc etc and he dropped me like a rock out of absolutely nowhere citing ‘somethings missing’ (this is a man who had never been with anyone longer than 18 months before me) This came out of absolutely nowhere - and no, there isn’t a 3rd party (He, and mutual friends have been clear on this)

It’s been HARD. I’m normally such an easy going chilled person and suffered full blown panic attacks for the first time in my life. I’m 38, ended up back home with my mum, lost my partner, best friend, future, possibility of family etc etc. 

Anyway, the thing that’s made it harder is that he works in the same organisation as me. We don’t work together but will pass time to time. Once a week tops? The whole time he’s either ignored me, blanked me or said a very terse hello when other people have been around him. You would think I would have had an affair or something? 

My boss (who is his friend) was pretty unsupportive and all I was told by her was to pull my big girl knickers up. She’s now moved him into an office in our department (of literally three people)

Lots and lots of reflection and self love has gone into me accepting that all of this is all on him and his insecurities and not me and something I’ve done ‘wrong’ which is what I’ve spent weeks and weeks feeling like.

Anyhow, time passes…and Christmas comes along and it’s time for sending cards out etc that I do every year. At the same time I’m healing and becoming so much more emotionally regulated (whilst still wanting to really process what the hell has happened) I went back and forth with myself and figured it would look pretty crappy if I didn’t include him. I sent a simple one with generic wishes. 
 

Randomly came across him today (he was walking through the halls rushing to surgery whilst on a call) He halted the call, gave me the the biggest smile, thanked me for the card and wished me and my family a lovely Christmas. 
 

Polite? Yes. But it’s a huge huge change from the man who had a complete freak out and has avoided me like the plague ever since. I’m not quite feeling indifferent yet (or else I wouldn’t be posting on here) but I will feel so much happier knowing that we are at least on speaking terms rather than having to spend every day at work with eyes in the back of my head. 

I guess I’m now in the weird mid point of wanting him back more than anything and wanting to forget. I guess the only thing to do now is NC but I’m now wondering wether time, space, getting into his own head, holidays etc etc have softened him a little or to help my own healing 

Any advice either way? It’s a bit of a rocky time. I’m obviously the broken-hearted women who would love to sort things out. I’m chucking myself into work, gym, post grad uni, friends and have also had a couple of (awful) dates since. Do I just keep moving forward and keep a tiny bit of hope that Peter Pan might realise what he’s thrown away? He was apparently lamenting the other day he’s going to be a lonely old bachelor forever. 
 

I’m trying my absolute best. I’ve been out on dates but so far nothing is connecting compared to him. It just all feels fake, I’m also stressing like hell that no one has ever sparked those feelings of wanting family/future like he has before and I’m now going to struggle. 

Would love to hear thoughts/advice 
 

Thankyou x 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, WintersDay said:

  Do I just keep moving forward and keep a tiny bit of hope that Peter Pan might realise what he’s thrown away? 

Sorry this is happening. It's nice the cold shoulder is over, but please don't get your hopes up. Enjoy your holidays with friends and family and yes keep moving forward but without hoping he'll change his mind.  Wishing and hoping serves no purpose other than to produce pain and disappointment. Please set yourself free and let go. Give yourself that gift for Christmas. 

[Starlight925]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he was just being polite.

I also hate to say this, but it would have been better to have just not sent him a card.  You'll defend it by saying you just wanted to include "everyone".

But be completely honest:  were you hoping for a reaction from him?

He does not want you, or this relationship, for whatever reason.  Despite all the future talk, he has moved on.  And as hard as it is, just knowing he's there at work, it's keeping you stuck.

I dare say if you could, to find another job.

The almost exact same thing happened to me after a lovely 2+ year relationship.  The breakup came out of nowhere, there was no one else, and we literally never argued.  One day, he was just....done.  I was completely heartbroken, and 10+ years later, it still hurts if I'm being honest.  He's married now, but recently, he viewed me on LinkedIn, after 10+ years of zero contact.  It gave my heart a jump, but not in a hopeful way.  I feel bad for his wife, knowing that he was looking me up.  I hate to think that she could go through similar pain if he does to her, what he did to me.

I get all the bad dates, all the times wondering what's going on, all of that.  But you need to go full No Contact to even hope to move on, and running into him in the hallways is not going to allow you to do that.

[shouldhavelearned]

Don't read much into it.

Holiday season

Be as friendly as you can and work on yourself 

[ShySoul]

Stay the course. You did the right thing in including him and you got a positive reaction. The reality of the situation is that you can't just forget and ignore him. As coworkers you will have to interact. Wouldn't it be better to be friendly with each other and be able to talk without the tension of what happens? As good as no contact can be, there comes a point where you can only know if you are healed when you can regularly interact with a person and it not hurt. I had my heart broke terribly once and was a mess. It wasn't until I was able to speak to her again without hurting or wishing for more that I realized I was fine. It's perfectly natural to still remember the good times, to see the other person being so kind to you, and wonder if things could be like they once were. But you can't get your hopes up too much. Remember that he was the one who ended it and he would need to be the one to indicate he was wrong, prove that he's changed and is sorry for what he did. Unless that happens, just focus on you and being happy with yourself. It can seem to take forever but one day the hurt will be gone and you can shine brighter then ever.

[WintersDay]

9 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Stay the course. You did the right thing in including him and you got a positive reaction. The reality of the situation is that you can't just forget and ignore him. As coworkers you will have to interact. Wouldn't it be better to be friendly with each other and be able to talk without the tension of what happens? 

Thankyou. Like I say, I’m being completely honest when I say it was done with the slight intention of giving him a little push shall we say - the feeling of wanting him back is natural and is going to reside (but hopefully slowly ebb away!) for a little while yet. 
 

However, I am glad I’ve done it. It’s a stark contrast to having to constantly walk around my work place wondering when I’m going to get hit with the next evil glare, be ignored or be on the receiving end of some fake terse ‘hi’ when he thinks someone’s watching. I’m tired of feeling like that so hopefully breaking that ice a bit will help me feel happier whilst I’m there. 
 

Merry xmas

[WintersDay]

11 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

 

I dare say if you could, to find another 

I’m sorry it happened to you too. It’s hard to fathom at the time isn’t it? 
 

Another job is an impossibility sadly. I’ve been here 17 years, worked my way and up finally been put on a Masters course and in my dream role which has all been funded by my employer - it’s pretty specialised too so would involve moving across the country to do it elsewhere - absolutely nobody is worth me giving that up for. 
 

Like I say, I feel better now the ‘frost’ has gone. It’s been dreadful and quite frankly mentally draining. 

[WintersDay]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It's nice the cold shoulder is over, but please don't get your hopes up. Enjoy your holidays with friends and family and yes keep moving forward but without hoping he'll change his mind.  Wishing and hoping serves no purpose other than to produce pain and disappointment. Please set yourself free and let go. Give yourself that gift for Christmas. 

Thankyou. And yes, it feels great the cold shoulder has gone. That’s the effect I wanted (and yes, admittedly a small part wanted to give him a small push in my direction)

It came from a place of wanting to feel some sort of peace and I feel it’s done both of those things and I’ve got my answers. 

[Lambert]

Falling out of love with someone takes time. And while you're still in love and see him through loving eyes, in time you'll see things differently. 

The best thing you can do is stop. Just stop.  Stop trying to include him. He is not worth it. He's really not 

And stop trying to date random people. I don't think that's helpful. You're not interested in those guys. 

It's ok to be on your own figuring things out. 

[MissCanuck]

Now that the cold edge has dissipated between you two, it's time to stop contacting him for good.

No more Xmas cards. No reaching out for any reason. Let this be your final closure. 

[Batya33]

I like the advice here. Also the standard is not “I haven’t met anyone that compares to him so now I’m going to send him a Christmas card and see how he reacts because the alternative is to keep looking and or be on my own. The standard to me anyway is “this person didn’t want to be with me /didn’t want to be with me badly enough and I won’t settle for someone like that even if he throws me breadcrumbs “.  
I hope you and your family have a merry Christmas. 

[boltnrun]

I think if he did "come back" in some capacity and did the same thing to you again it would be doubly, no, TRIPLY hurtful.

I'm glad you feel you two can be civil, but hoping for more of the same treatment or hoping he is "different" the next time isn't realistic given his "love 'em and leave 'em" history.

[Jaunty]

I don't think there was a twist in events. 

You sent a generic card (which IMO was a bad idea but water under bridge etc.)  

Seems like he took that as a signal that you are over your phase of not believing that the breakup is for real.  So he's relieved that he doesn't have to keep his walls up so aggressively at work by avoiding eye contact with you, scowling in the hall, etc.  He can relax.

It makes sense that this feels better to you but I fear that you are using it to fuel some hope.

Look. This guy is not coming back, at least not in a way that would be something you could ever put your trust in.

His age and relationship history is very telling.   

I have thought since you first wrote about your breakup that you were ignoring some things that he was showing you throughout your relationship.

I don't know what they were - but I will say that a man in his 40s sitting around with his GF fantasizing about the names of future children and wedding venues ... for years ... is exhibiting significant red flags right there.  

A proposal, real wedding and family planning with dates are what is meaningful at all stages of a relationship but even more so when a person is in their 40's.   The other is playing. 

Was there a part of you that may have felt this same way?   

Anyway he had to finally pull the plug short of a shared property purchase, and he did that.

I'm sorry.  And I truly hope you can start actually detaching soon, and letting this be in your past.

 

[catfeeder]

The problem with breakups within a workplace, uni or small town is that they're magnified by an audience of community. This can prompt the ex who feels most guilty to view the other through the lens of a martyr who will attempt to turn the community against him or her. And that can prompt the stony and cold behavior of defensiveness.

Your gesture sent a message that you're not hostile toward him, and that released him from his self-made pressure cooker. That's great, because it will make your life easier to no longer deal with someone who perceived you as an enemy.

The problem with holding hope of reconciling is that it fails to address the lack of security you would face from one who could drop you out of nowhere on a dime. That can't be fixed, because he's already demonstrated that he owns the capacity to do that. So what's to trust in him? He could be planning a home and future one minute, and drop you on your arse the next. Is that kind of perpetual eggshell walk really the way you would choose to live?

Head high, and I hope that 2024 will become your best year ever.

[WintersDay]

49 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

The problem with breakups within a workplace, uni or small town is that they're magnified by an audience of community. This can prompt the ex who feels most guilty to view the other through the lens of a martyr who will attempt to turn the community against him or her. And that can prompt the stony and cold behavior of defensiveness.

Your gesture sent a message that you're not hostile toward him, and that released him from his self-made pressure cooker. That's great, because it will make your life easier to no longer deal with someone who perceived you as an enemy.

The problem with holding hope of reconciling is that it fails to address the lack of security you would face from one who could drop you out of nowhere on a dime. That can't be fixed, because he's already demonstrated that he owns the capacity to do that. So what's to trust in him? He could be planning a home and future one minute, and drop you on your arse the next. Is that kind of perpetual eggshell walk really the way would choose to live?

Head high, and I hope that 2024 will become your best year ever.

One thing throughout all of this that I am extremely proud of is that I have not bad mouthed him to ANY of my co-workers. At best all they have had from me is that I was really hurt and I don’t understand what’s happened. 

I did hear his previous ex (who also worked at the same place) made things very difficult for him - tried to punch him, contacted him through the company operators when he was working at night, made huge crying scenes and slagged him off to anyone and everyone who would listen. I wonder if the complete stone cold avoidance and mean glares were perhaps somewhat attributed to those previous experiences he had…..anyway, what does it matter now? 

The self made pressure cooker statement actually really resonates…..he was doing this across so many aspects of life prior to him getting rid of me. He’s not a happy man and lord knows what other thing he will need to change or get rid of next. Good luck to him. 
 

Thankyou so much for your kind words. I intend to keep holding my head high and not changing the kind and decent person that I know I am x 

[boltnrun]

I know it's a pop song but I like to adhere to the words at the end of Destiny's Child song "Survivor":

I'm wishin' you the best
Pray that you are blessed
Bring much success, no stress, and lots of happiness
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon' blast you on the radio
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon' lie on you and your family
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon' hate on you in the magazines
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon' compromise my Christianity
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gon' diss you on the internet
'Cause my mama taught me better than that

Maybe don't discuss him at all with coworkers because guaranteed they will run to him telling him what you said (even the ones who swear they won't).  And on a professional level that's not a great idea.

I'm glad you are holding your head high. No reason not to.  You're an accomplished woman with a lot to be proud of.

[WintersDay]

46 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I know it's a pop song but I like to adhere to the words at the end of Destiny's Child song "Survivor":

I'm wishin' you the best
Pray that you are blessed
Bring much success, no stress, and lots of happiness
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon' blast you on the radio
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon' lie on you and your family
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon' hate on you in the magazines
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon' compromise my Christianity
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gon' diss you on the internet
'Cause my mama taught me better than that

Maybe don't discuss him at all with coworkers because guaranteed they will run to him telling him what you said (even the ones who swear they won't).  And on a professional level that's not a great idea.

I'm glad you are holding your head high. No reason not to.  You're an accomplished woman with a lot to be proud of.

Thankyou. I try my best. 

As much as I’ve ruminated, cried and completely overthought everything someone at work said something really quite lovely to me the other day…..

I’ve basically lost about 14kgs since the breakup and now into a UK size 8. I wore a designer dress to our Xmas party the other week I haven’t worn since I was 24.

Obviously it’s not a diet to be recommended but it has actually helped my confidence that people come up to me and say how great I’m looking. I feel so much better for it and I’ve kept it up…..my colleague commented the other day she felt bad for saying how well I was looking weeks ago without knowing I was breaking, to quote her the other day ‘none of us had absolutely any idea any of this had happened, you’ve been so strong!’ 

I really wish I could confess to her that in reality I’ve been a complete bloody mess the entire time (my poor mum will attest to that, she’s been amazing) 

Im in my dream job, and at 38 have spent the last five years returning to academia as well as working full time and hence I have tried my absolute best to keep things looking good in the workplace whilst still being able to have some vulnerability there which I think is a good thing when having worked in a hospital for so very long. 

As ‘hope’ is fading (and it is, slowly, I wish I could make it go quicker) I am getting glimmers of knowing that I’ve acted right, that this is all on him, and by the time it all hits this sorry specimen of a man of how great he actually had things I will no longer care and he will have to witness the entire show played out before him. 

I love these strong moments. I’m trying my very best to grab onto them when they are here x 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Maybe don't discuss him at all with coworkers because guaranteed they will run to him telling him what you said (even the ones who swear they won't).  And on a professional level that's not a great idea.

Agreed.  And it already got you a "put on your big girl pants" from your supervisor.  So probably time to never speak of him at work to anyone in any way, going forward.

It's interesting that his last relationship was with someone he worked with as well.  I tend to think that people steer clear of this for reasons like the ones you've shared here on this thread.  Not him.