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  1. Hey everyone, I'm really happy I found this community. Recently there's a lot happening in my life which leaves me full of confusion and heartbreak. I had the feeling that I need to tell anyone, maybe finding someone who can relate to my situation. I really could use some guidance… I'm sorry that this got so long, it just came over me and I thought I try to draw a full picture here. So… my boyfriend and I met half a year ago when we both started the same studies. It was only three weeks from when we first met to the point when I stayed with him over night and we became a couple. We fell fast for each other. It was this kind of relationship that just feels right from the start and in every fiber of your body, heart and soul. I never felt more loved in my life and he was and is the first person from whom the words "I love you" really mean something and to whom I really feel like they are true and real when I say them. He was honest with me right from the beginning and told me about the psychosis he went through 1 1/2 to 2 years ago which was followed by a severe depression. He told it in a humorous, kind of shy way – I guess he was afraid I could run away as soon as he did. But I was fine. I told him that it's okay, that he's no "crazy person" as he described himself when he told me about it. That I like him for who he is and that I won't go away. Because I had met him when he was in a very good phase – the last months before the beginning of the semester he had recovered from a bad episode and the new beginning and new impressions gave him more perspective – I thought that the disease he told me about would be part of his past. Something he had overcome or learnt to deal with in a good way. At this time I had no idea what "depression" really, REALLY means. I was so naive. Or relationship went on, beautifully, deeply. Times came when he seemed… darker than usual, more distant. Well, can't be a happy person all the time, right? I didn't really think about that these could be symptoms of the depression and thought about other reasons. Maybe our relationship…? Around Christmas he became more distant and I started to worry. Before New Year's Eve he told me that he got some of the psychosis' symptoms again which worried him a lot. So he decided to take his meds again which made him kind of uneasy and tired. We talked about it and I listened to him and his worries, honestly telling him that I'm not sure what I could do or say to help him. He said it's okay – I don't need to say anything, it feels good when I just listen to him. He also has a therapist since the depression first broke out with whom he talks about those new developments and he also has a psychiatrist who supports him on the medical way. So, that's the good thing – he HAS professional help and KNOWS that he is not healthy and he really wants to get better. The next months were tough – our studies required a lot from us which put a lot of stress on both of us. I myself deal with heavy self-doubts and anxiety issues about never being enough or good enough and from time to time slip into very dark, hopeless phases (which are, lucky me, more temporary, but still a problem I have to deal with myself. But in those phases he was always there for me, helping me getting back on my feet – even if it was difficult for him because of the depression. But he did.). So the study's requirements were a lot for me, too. At the same time as we had to finish our final works his life got kind of "bombed" by bad news. Because of his illness he couldn't work for the last years why he got money from the employment office. But because he did not update his new status (being a student) early enough he now had to pay back around 2,000€ – which he does not have as he struggles financially. On top of that, as a student with no income or financial support by his family he now gets financial support from the state to study, but which is not enough to pay for the flat he's living in with his flatmate, paying the health care insurance and not starving every month. So the two of them decided to search for a new apartment both of them can afford. He loves the apartment they're living in and I guess he blames himself as being the only reason why they have to leave… So, many things went wrong and put a lot of stress on him in just a couple of weeks. As I said his mood went darker since the winter months – I guess the lockdown did it's best to make everything even worse. It had a deep impact on me, too, my own issues became more dark and I had problems with it more often. But he really began to struggle a lot. He got more and more distant, wouldn't speak or text me anymore or "colder" as he used to. He got tired early in the evenings, his motivation got less and less. He did not want to do things anymore, watch movies, ride the bike, hang out (lockdown confirmed) with others, didn't want to do anything for his study. I knew he wasn't/isn't a mentally healthy person, but at that time his change often hit me personally and I thought maybe I could be the problem. I only knew those changes in behavior from earlier relationships – when they drop you slowly – and had my problems to handle it. I was hurt and afraid he would start leaving me, that I again wasn't enough to be with me. He was annoyed by this and said he found my self-consciousness exhausting. We argued, but found back together. During our relationship he often explained to me how he felt: It put a lot of stress on him having the feeling to be the one making my day worse. To not be able to give to me what I need or what would make me happy. He felt that I was too focused on him, that I wanted to do things with him all the time, planning my day and my/our activities "around" him. He said he would like it if I could do "my thing" more often when we spent time together – just like a couple living together (which he would like to do someday for real). He also said he likes it when I just do "my thing" even when he is struggling with his emotions and can't do anything, because his own darkness or emptiness gets over him. That this would feel good and would take pressure off of him. He did not want to hurt me with that, I know that. At first I felt hurt, but I started to understand what he was trying to tell me – and yes, of course it is absolutely fine and normal not to spent every minute together even if you hang out, I was just still so full of butterflies that I wanted to be around like 24/7 … I started to inform myself intensively about depression and psychosis, I wanted to understand what was going on inside him. And I wanted to be able to be the best support I could be. I even contacted a psychologic counselor online to get some more professional advice on how to help him and deal with the disease. I tried to give him his space when he needed it, to do "my thing" even when he struggled. He often told me that he likes when I just do something I like for myself when I'm around him. That it feels like I feel at home and he can be more relaxed. When he distanced himself I accepted it. I told him I am there for him, that I believe in him and his strength and that I won't go away just because he suffers from a depression. That he is not the disease, but the person I fell in love with and never stopped doing anything else. Not all the time, but when I felt he needed those words the most. I noticed that his condition got worse and worse. Sometimes he would not go out of bed or would go back in it straight away, starring at the wall, not talking, not eating. He often said things like "I want that everything is over. I don't want to live anymore." When I asked him about those thoughts directly he always said he doesn't want to be anymore, but does not want to do anything for it to happen. According to his therapist this is called a passive suicidality. Sentences like this worried me a lot, but he kept saying he had no intention doing anything to himself. He said he had thoughts like this before, in his previous bad episode before we met. That time he'd isolated himself, couldn't talk to anyone anymore and just wanted to be over. During that time they had emphasized the dose of his antidepressants and he had gone back to the day hospital and the occupational therapy in the gardens of the hospital. That helped him a lot. Don't get me wrong. This all sounds like our relationship went all dark and sad and heavy. But it didn't. He was still there. The person I love and that loves me so much was still there and showed himself so often. He was still there for me, wanted me close, wanted to spent time together. He was full of love, missed me and told me when he did, there was laughing and trusting and passion. We still did things together, went for walks, did long rides with the bikes, enjoyed good weather together, … It still was more that I ever thought I would ever get, it felt like everything. I wasn't exhausted from the disease. Yes, it took energy, can't deny, but I was ready to go though this with him all the way, up and down. One day we walked along the river. He was very silent and I tried to entertain both of us a bit, but due to lockdown and my own inner struggling with the situation (can't deny tho, even if I just was very euphoric. But yeah, two sides of the medal, right?) and myself my topics were kind of limited. We sat on a bench and he told me how exhausted he was, how less hope he had. Nothing was fun anymore, just pain and exhaustion. No motivation. No perspective. No hope. No sense. He was so empty. And he said that it would feel like with his last girlfriend in the last year: That the relationship would make everything worse. I asked if that's because he feels under pressure because of being around someone else. He confirmed. It would feel like he's a burden to me, weighing me down – which burdens him retroactively. He broke up with his ex because of this. We did not break up on this day. I was very worried – because of what he said about the relationship, but also about the condition he was in. It really was the worst so far. I told him all the things again, tried to tell him that he is not alone, that I go this way with him. That he does not have to worry about me – that I can deal with the disease and that I want to deal with it, because I love him and it's okay, if he can't give anything right now. That I am fine with giving. Well, we did not break up that day. The next weeks became tough, I cried many tears alone at home, talked to friends and the counselor I mentioned earlier. I was afraid he would leave me, but kept this for me, stayed supportive and loved. And yeah, he still loved back. The last weeks were, after a long period of darkness, beautiful again. Full of love, it felt like in the beginning. We spent a lot time together. He hold me in his arms, not letting me go, initiated contact – and sex – himself, made plans for activities. We were tender, loving, passionate, supportive – we were like we were never to end, even if there still was distance or darkness from time to time. I knew that that's the disease speaking – not him. I really felt like our relationship gave him something after all and that he felt good being with me. Then last week. On monday he asked if I want to come over, cook something together. His texting was very communicative and he asked if I would like to meet his brother the next day. He would be very happy if I liked to. When I arrived at his apartment he was distant again. We ate something and watched a movie, but we did not really speak. I was in a mood, too. I was stressed by my own issues and felt my own heavy self-doubts and anxiety rumbling under my surface and was a bit insecure/tentative about his mood. But regardless of that he searched for me at night and held my hand in his. The next day already started with me knowing that it wouldn't be a good day. My own issues kept crawling to the surface. He helped me with some things for our studies, but I couldn't hold my own struggle anymore, started crying and feeling empty and anxious at the same time. We had a fight. To keep it short: I was struggling with my issues and his reaction hurt me. He said right and true words, but also words that hurt me. He wanted to help me, but couldn't deal with it at this moment. What I wished for that moment was just a hug, a sign that I am not alone. Not even words, just empathy. Instead he became ignoring and I became mad, because I didn't feel respected and as if my problems would be too less to be important. It got loud, it got ugly, everybody said things that hurt. At the end he talked calmly (but "shaken" from the fight) for a while and his words, well, hurt, because they were true, but helped. But the day was gone and full of bad emotions. I just wanted to visit his brother with him, get something good out of this messed up day. But he said he wanted to visit his brother alone, without me, the mood would be too bad. I panicked, I was so afraid that when I leave his place a distance would start and he would go away from me. I hated myself for what happened, for how hard I snapped that day. I could not stand myself – how could he? I was so sad and frustrated and angry and in shock that I questioned our relationship – and regretted what I said while the words came through my mouth. He froze, did not say a word. I tried to take the words back, tried to explain what was happening in my head. I wanted him to say something. But he did not answer or react, just said he would go to his brother now, didn't want to say anything and left. I could not hold him back or get an answer or a relief. I was so shocked. What had I done. In the evening he texted me: He was still like frozen, didn't know what was happening and going on now and asked for some time to think. I guess I knew what would happen in that moment, but I apologized for everything, told him that I did not mean anything I said. That I don't want us to end, that I want to be with him and that I love him. And I gave him some days time to get his head clear. Last Friday, three days after we had the fight, he broke up with me. He said, I did nothing wrong, it's okay to explode and feel bad from time to time, it's understandable and he wouldn't be mad at all. In fact he believes he would be the one who messed up the most, during the fight and in general. He said he thinks he can't be in a relationship right now. He couldn't give me what I need, he could just take energy and be a burden. He would be unable to be a good partner. He said he just feels really really bad and miserable and he just doesn't want to live anymore. He does not feel like being able to connect or talk with anybody. All he wants is to be dead or alone. He does not see a future for him in which he is healthy, he does not see a perspective or better times. Everything is just taking energy from him and everything will just stay the same, dark, hopeless, senseless, miserable. This would have nothing to do with me, but with the/a relationship in general and he thinks he might be better without it, alone. I knew this would happen. I knew it from the point when we both left after the fight. But I was shocked. Again I tried to give him all my support, my love. Tried to make clear how much I understand and want to understand and that I understand more and more everyday. How much I believe in him and us, that I believe he is stronger than this disease. I tried to remind him of the good moments and good things that still were there and came to him, even if everything was at it's darkest. I told him that getting better IS a possibility for him, that there really CAN BE a way, something better. But all this is not enough. I told him I believe in our love, that I KNOW that it is true and real and there. He can't deny that he did – and does – feel the same way I feel for him. I don't believe him that all our time together would have been just painful, I believe that it was something good and precious. He said it is good that it felt good for me, but for him it was just costing energy and causing exhaustion. Every small thing he did, every kiss, every word, every small touch would have just demanded a lot from him… I believe him. I really do. I saw how much he is struggling. I felt how much he is struggling. And I understand how hard it must be to love and try to be there for someone if you have to fight your own demons every god damn dark day. I know all of this and I really do understand. But I believe so much in us, I love this person so much. He means the world to me. Just one week ago he hold me in his arms, wanted to be with me, wouldn't let me go, made plans for us. Told me how much he loves me. On friday this same person gave me a last, mechanical cold hug and left me. We didn't speak or text since then. Everything inside me feels hurt. The day after the break up I left and went to my family home – I can't be alone or in the same town right now. I cried a lot, sometimes it's getting better and I can think clearer and of something else and laugh with others, but I feel so empty most of the time. I still can't believe what happened. This person was home from me, despite all the dark, depressive times, and it hurts so much to know that I may not come home anymore. I had much time to think, too. As I said, I do understand why he made this decision and somehow I always knew how fragile our relationship was in the core because of his disease. But I believed in it anyway and I know that we were real. That we were different than he and his ex (his flatmate told me the same – the way we were together was different, more loving, and in the end of his and his ex' relationship there were also other things for him that caused the breakup, too, and made him stop believing in it. But well, who knows…) and that we could've go on. I guess this last fight was like a huuge momentum of stress knocking down on him at once – and pushing him to the edge of breaking up. I blame myself so much. I want to believe that there is still hope for us and there are moments when I really feel this hope, when I kind of SEE our future together again. I can't lie – I want him back. I know we are good together and that he felt the same and WAS happy. I am totally aware of what being back together would mean. Yes, being with someone with depression hurts. It is dark and hard and takes so much of yourself and yes, maybe it is better to take it how it is and just go my own way. I have my problems myself which are heavy. I need to heal myself, too – for my sake. But also to really be a support. How can I be there if I weigh myself down and with this him, too? I can image how bad it must have felt for him to see me struggle and not being able to be there for me or not being there ENOUGH. I was fine – I understand that you can't be there all the time. People struggle, have their days when nothing is possible – whether you're healthy or not. It's okay if you can't give everything everyday and I never demanded it. What he could give was always enough. But not for him, he can't see that and I do not blame him for it, for anything. He is ill. His view is blurred. I will give him the time he needs. When he says he's not able to be with someone I believe him and I accept it. I just can't let him go. I mean, I can't even make a clear cut – we study together, have projects together. Everyday I have to see him in our online courses, have to hear his voice which used to be "mine", but is not anymore and it hurts. I update Instagram like every 15mins to see if there's anything new from him. I am so confused and don't know what to do, how to stay close or, more than that, get close(r) again. I want him to know that I am still there for him. I know that love, that I, can't heal him. Only he can. I am happy that he already has professionell support and does not deny his situation. He wants to get better, but has lost his hope and all his energy right now. Life is too dark at the moment. I hope that if some of the "side problems" – like finding a new, nice and more affordable flat – can lift the weight on his shoulders a bit. It won't change everything for good, but maybe it would take some insecurity and pressure from him. I am just so afraid that maybe he really is over us, that we are dead for him, that I am just somebody he used to know. That maybe he really feels better without me now, that I really was a burden he is happy to got rid of… What can I do? I don't want to force myself on him. If he wants time and space to deal with things himself, I respect that. But I can't give us up just now… I am searching for psychological help myself at the moment and try to get my things together, too. I want to find my own strength again I lost years ago and I feel how much I could reflect and learn and understand during our relationship and in the last days. I believe that when we see each other again, I can be a more cleared up version of myself. And yeah, maybe there will still be a chance. I don't know… I love this person so much, I want to go with him all his and our way, through the darkest and the lightest. Thank you for sticking with me till this point. I know it was a lot of text, but it means a lot to me. Thank you so much. Much much love Leonie
  2. I will try to keep this as short as I can. My (ex)boyfriend broke up with me about four weeks ago after a six months relationship. The break up came out of a sudden and hit me hard. I have to mention: He suffers depression (but is in therapy and gets medical treatment and knows & accepts that he is not healthy mentally and wants to get better) and has a dismissive avoidant-attachment style. During the relationship I could really handle his disease and tried my best to be there for him and support him without smothering him and I told him that I am okay and that I love him and that I won't leave him because of this disease. I tried to give him the space he needs and as much space as I could offer. I knew how much he suffers, but it seemed like our relationship gave him much more than the disease demanded from him. That it was something really good for him. It was a beautiful relationship, it felt deep and I know that these feelings have been on both sides. The weeks before he broke up had been full of love and connection, he wanted to have me around, made plans, wanted me to meet his family, he was caring and loving. One week before he broke up he told me how much he loves me. We had a fight three days before the break up and after some days of silence ended our relationship. We do not have contact since then. We met each other at university when we started the same studies at the same time. Due to this we now share the same group of friends and fellow students and even have to work on the same projects together. As I said we do not speak to or text each other privately, but because of the group-project we work on together with two other fellow students/friends we have to maintain a certain kind of communication (via WhatsApp-/ Discord-groups and in online courses). During those courses and in online meetings with our group he even answers to me, speaks normally as if nothing happened and even laughs when I say something funny. Everything beside these situations is pure silence (except that he‘s still looking at my instagram stories, but well…). I am in a circle of being incredibly sad, missing him, feeling pure anger, wanting him back and at the same time working on myself and careing for my own needs – and enjoying it. I feel really good discovering a new me – or the me I really am and want to be. But still there is this me that does not want to give up on him and on us. I understand that he needs his space and I want to respect that – for him as well as for myself and my own healing and his healing. But I do believe that we could do better at a second turn. I reflected a lot, looked into myself and I know so much more now than months, even weeks ago and I really believe that it could be different. I am seeing a therapist myself now. I know now that while I tried to be there for him I forgot to be there for myself, too, and to work on my own issues. I know my boundaries now, what I want and need in a relationship and I am willing to find a way together to meet everyone‘s needs in the middle. I love him and feel deeply connected to him. I just want to talk to him to reconcile and get back together – or to get a final closure. But I also want to give him the space he needs. So far no contact worked well – he didn‘t contact me or anything, but I am working so much on myself and feel how I finally beginn to see my own value (don‘t get me wrong: This is an issue I am dealing with for a long long time now, nothing our relationship took from me). But now here‘s the problem: As I mentioned we share some same friends and projects. After four weeks of successful no contact our project group has decided to meet next week to discuss our project in person and have some drinks together. Well, I could just leave after we discussed the „professional“, project related part and skip the socializing, but I want to be honest: I am new in this city, I came here six months ago. I don‘t know many people and due to the lockdown meeting new peolpe or the few I met and got friends with wasn‘t really an option. My ex and his flatmate were like nearly the only people I saw during this time. I want to be around people, I want to meet my friends and get to know my fellow students. I want to have fun and I deserve to have fun and feel good. I do not see why I should be the one to step back now while my ex doesn‘t? Why should I always be the one to step back? Yes, I want to be with him, try again. (Or at least this one last conversation to get final closure). I want to keep no contact, I guess it is the best I can do now for me, him – and a maybe-second-try-relationship. But I want to enjoy life, too. I feel so good in my own self right now and I don‘t want to miss the joy life can have. So my question: Is it a bad idea to attend (small) social events (with mutual friends/fellow students) if I know my ex will be there, too, when I actually want to reconcile and get back together with him? Or at least get the chance of a last conversation (when he's ready) to get final closure?
  3. My ex-girlfriend and I broke up three months ago after five and the half years of relationship. We are both in our forties. She said she doesn't love me anymore and that she doesn’t have any feelings for me for a longer period of time. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but there were a lot of beautiful moments as well. We share a lot of happy and nice memories. She had a lot of issues and I was always there for her to help her and support her, and moreover to love her in that moments. At the end of the relationship, I had issues and instead of getting the same support from her, she found another guy and dumped me. She forced me to move out from our mutual apartment. During this last three months, those beautiful moments we had were all over my mind, more or less every day, and I feel regret that she has left me. But I managed to move on and worked a lot to improve myself and I made a progress. But at the same time I kept calling her to come and visit me in my new apartment. And then, last Friday she came to my apartment, we had a good time and we had sex. She stayed overnight. Yesterday she came again and we had a really good and passionate sex. But all the time she was telling me that she is satisfied with the new guy and that she is going to stay in the new relationship. When I asked her for the reason, she said that he treats her good, he is funny and that she is in a way taking advantage of him (something like he is paying for all the food). When I told her that I’m seeing someone else too, she started to cry and she said that she likes me the way I am now and that she feels regret I was not like that before when we were together. I told her that she can leave him and that we can try something again, but she categorically refused that. She said that she wants to be with him and maybe one day in the future, who knows, we are going to be together again, but not now. I'm also sure that she came to me and cheated on him, because she doesn't care about him at all. But she said that is not the truth and that she fell in love with him. I was quite fine, but now I feel distressed almost like three months ago. So this just brought me harm. So why did she come to be with me? Does she really know what she wants? Who does she love?
  4. She says, she loves me as a partner, she loves being with me, she feels I am a perfect person and partner for her but she doesn't have intimate feelings for me. This is something she feels since couple years. We stopped goofing around in last march and kind of broke up but lived together since August. She feels, she should be able to love herself first to love someone else, so she needs time to do that. She is looking for an expert to know herself better and start working out on her body. In this week, she has asked me to not try to start a conversation. She would like not to be obliged to reply/call me when I want but talk to me when she wants. We have been talking a lot less now and I'm obsessing over her like crazy. I know the right thing to do is give her space, but it is so hard right now to distract myself to do something else. All I do the whole day is think about her, create fake scenarios which I know are stupid and be upset. She has helped me through tough times and I want to be there for her and move this relationship to safe zone however I can. So, I can't even imagine leaving her on the pretext of "it is not right for me". Please help. P.S - In March, my father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and I have been tending to him. She is very supportive but expected her to be with me in this time (maybe I expect more). She did help me through very rough patches of life during last year and in general is a very lovely and caring person.
  5. I haven't spoken to my ex in almost 3 months since he broke up with me late last year. He wanted to catch up and free the air but I declined. I'm in NC now. Any stories of being in NC for long periods of time and getting back together?
  6. Ex-boyfriend broke up with me in November 2020. I stupidly kept in contact with him afterwards and we caught up a week or so later. Been getting mixed signals from him ever since. I asked if we could catch up recently and he was sort of interested but half not. I told him today that I think our reasons for catching up seem different (as I obviously still like him) and he's probably doing it for friendly reasons. He agreed and said it's sensible to not catch up for now but we can revisit it anytime. Does this sort of sound like he just wants to wait till his feelings possibly change?
  7. This is going to be a long post so thank you in advance for reading it. My wifes ex has always been somewhere in the shadows. They did talk, I was always afraid this would happen. I was looking at old photos to make look nice for valentine's day, i saw that around 6 years ago, she started liking her exs posts. At the time she told me the truth, she had seen him, she said she felt i was distant. I was not in my right mind as it happened while I was having a mental break down. I was hurt, i felt that at the moment i needed her the most, she went to him, but a year later she told me it was just a lie to hurt my feelings and i gladly embraced that than accepting the pain. But going through the old photos, it brought everything back, so rather than give her her valentines day card, I confronted her. At first it was denial and I don't remembers, but then it came out, one or twice perhaps 3 times, I'm not sure. I left and went for a walk, when i got back she asked if i wanted to talk in the car, she asked if i could ever forgive her, in tears, promised it would never happen again, that the last time she saw him it was to tell him it was over. I needed to talk more with her as we didn't have much time, and i was freaking out. So we dropped the kids off at grans, she didn't want to talk, just kept saying "i cant deal with this, just get a divorce, stay with your mom, ill end up in hospital" ect ect... But this is only half the story. I can't tell this story just one-sided or my wife will seem like the villain so you need to know all this below to understand. See ive had severe mental health issues my whole life, the first few years were hard, she had to cope with my mental health on a daily basis and sometimes it was too much, other times i went to my mother for comfort rather than her. People say i was the perfect father and most loving husband when we had our first child, mabey i was nice but far from perfect and it wasnt long before my mental health got in the way again. The affair happened during one very hard mental break down, and it was a huge emotional toll as i had to get put into a mental health facility. The affair happened just before it got so bad, she felt i didn't love her because i couldn't even touch her. But even after all of this, she came back with me. And as i said she told me. I went out with her for drinks, and then more and more, see turned out, i enjoyed the alcohol because it numbed the pain and my mental health was better. It got to the stage i was drunk every day and even in college, i got arrested several times and ended up homeless, when i got somewhere to live i just drank, i would busk for money for alcohol, I'd sell anything in my wife's house for the drink, i got drunk the day my second child was born, i was hanging around the wrong people, id left her all alone with two children so i could selfishly drink everything away. The drink almost took my life, I i put her through hell with my drunkenness, i was to stupid to see what i was throwing away, i regret every missed second. After stealing time and time again, coming to see her and hiding alcohol, or only playing with the kids a little then back to alcohol. I almost lost my ability to see my kids due to not being sober yet she defended me, and for years i drunk myself into oblivion. This entire time she could have left and went home, she could have met another man, but she didn't, she did talk with her ex about it, but only once. She basically had to raise the kids alone. Last year about a year from today i finally did it, i gave up the alcohol before it took everything from me. And she gave me a final chance, when everyone in my world had given up on me she gave me that last chance. This brings me to now. Yes I'm hurt she cheated, I'm hurt she spoke with him even briefly. But what breaks my heart more than anything ever could, is that i caused her so much pain, i abandoned her and my kids, i sometimes break down and cry when i think of all the pain i caused, and yet she never gave up hope id come back. See you needed to know all this because this can't be one-sided in the circumstances, and if any of you feel angry at the things i did reading this, just know i feel exactly the same. This is the conflict, she cheated once, went out with him a second time and spoke with him a third time. But she could have left me because of all i did, and yet she didn't, she was at her last straw, and I returned. At first i didn't want to deal with it, it was just "daddy's back woo he is sober" but I didn't want to think on the pain i caused them. I could only hold on so long so all of this came out in the open on valentine's day. Yes, its painful to think on her affair. But its painful to think i caused the person i loved so much, all this pain. I find it really hard to forgive myself as i should have been there, helping, taking her pain not causing it. And when the whole world turned its back on me, she was there, still waiting still loving. I really don't deserve her love, I didn't deserve her final chance, i despise my past actions, i cry when i think on the pain i caused her. Yet i was hurt by her affair, scared ill not be good enough and that it could happen again. This is why my grief is a double-sided sword. I grievee her affair, but i also grievee all the pain i caused and all the time i wasted when i should have been with my family. I'm one year sober, we want to renew our vows, get some counseling, not just for her actions but also and importantly for mine. She cried in the car, told me how much i had hurt her, and she was right. I did. So i come to all of you for advice. I don't want to cause my family any more pain, but i feel so selfish when my heart breaks due to the affair, especially after everything she has done and went through. Do you have any advice?
  8. Ex-boyfriend broke up with me and lately, I feel like I've been the one who has been pushing for us meeting up. There have been some slightly positive signs of either friendliness or reconciling, we've been speaking on the phone for an hour (something we never used to do) a few times, checking in with each other over Christmas/nye and a few texts here and there. But he's happy to catch up but doesn't want to talk about us as he feels it'll drag things out/rehash things. "I was reluctant before because as I've said a few times it just feels like we'll be rehasing things again and drawing things out" We caught up over a month ago now and he wanted to see me again but I texted him afterwards saying that it was probably too painful for me to continue doing this and he agreed, implied that it was as painful for him as well. What's your take on this?
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