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It has been some time since I last posted in this forum. Years to be exact. It's 2021 and time will soon carry us into 2022. What made me want to post? I am happy to say that there isn't a reason. I just felt like writing. I have read several of the posts here and I see the forum has changed in many ways. Maybe the "faces" have changed but the stories still remain the same. My story years ago was lost amongst the thousands of posts asking, pleading and begging for any advice to heal my broken heart. I cannot express how this forum has helped me grow in my personal and spiritual growth. My advice is always ..."Take it or leave it". I am not a profession counselor or therapist. I am just simple guy sitting behind a monitor and keyboard that wants to make a positive difference in the lives of others. I know what it's like to hurt. My heart has been ripped out but what I have realized in my experience is that it will get better. You have believe that it will. I am a realist. I am also a straight shooter but not so brutal to offend. That is never my intent whatsoever. If you choose to read on, please do so with an open mind and heart. All I hope to do is to possibly make you think of your situation in a different light. It is a pleasure to post again and I hope wherever you are....no matter your situation....you are NOT alone and that you matter. Let's begin... Through the years and years I have posted here, I read the same thing over and over again "But my situation is different"... Let me be the first to say that No, it is not. The commonality of this forum is that someone or yourself broke up or left (or vice versa) and you are looking for the answers or advice that are going to change your situation hopefully in a positive light. I did the same thing many, many years ago. Everyone has a unique circumstance that is certain but the end goal is what we all share. We all want a happy ending... or do we? Things to think about When a break has occurred, typically there were signs. Whether we choose to see them or not. Sadly the realization is that we tend to always over analyze EVERYTHING after the break has occurred. See if this sounds familiar? You tend to try and convince yourself that if you can only talk to the person that left you or if they would only give me a chance. If you are at this point and the breakup is fresh and just occurred, do yourself a serious favor. STOP EVERYTHING you are trying to convince yourself of and just take a deep breath. Things that are done out of desperation are typically almost ALWAYS WRONG. Maybe not to you but in the eyes of the very one you want back. Even if you heart is hurting so much that you are NOW trying to convince someone that they made a mistake (or even if you did) will be seen as "little too late"... Their view is typically when the OTHER person is so desperate that the desperate acts start. Those that read my posts from years ago know that I used an example of the head and heart switch places. In a desperate situation to get your ex back, you think with your heart and feel with your brain. I can remember how I would try and convince myself that if I do this or say that ...that it would magically change everything for the better which was NEVER the case. I allowed my emotions to be controlled by my brain which should have been a red flag from the beginning. I would pour over advice from other hoping to find that magic formula ...that ONE piece of advice that would get my ex back..... did I find it? Yes, I did. I am going to let you in on what it is. You may not like it but it always works. The answer is TIME I am going to say that again. The answer is time. I know what it's like listening to the saddest, most lonely rip your heart out music. I would sit in my room hoping and coming up with unreasonable ideas to "win her back" all for nothing. Please understand something. I am NOT stating that people are not worth the effort. I just want to to take a breath and understand that sometimes the most LOVING ACT IS TO DO NOTHING. Leave them alone for a while. I can't lie, this is the one of the HARDEST THINGS to do. I started the "No Contact Challenge" may years ago on this very forum for this reason. In my experience, I wanted to convince myself (just like so many others) that my situation was different. That the breakup that occurred (no matter what the circumstance) could be fixed; All I needed was the magic formula. I just needed that ONE thing to convince another human being that I so desperately loved....to love me back. Is that how love works? Have you ever heard ANYONE on the planet say they fell in love because they were desperate? No, because desperation does the exact OPPOSITE of what you want it to be. You do desperate things to attempt to "win them back" because in its simplest form.... you are desperate. If you do nothing....nothing will go wrong. I remember writing this here years ago and I still mean it today. I was the very person that did EVERYTHING WRONG. I went with my gut instincts. I made a total (fill in the blank) out of myself out desperation. Not only did it NOT work, it may have changed the other person's mind about how they perceived me. How could I have stooped so low? It was out of that fictitious math formula: My happiness relies on you loving me. My Happiness = You and me I want you to read that above out loud again. Once you hear it out loud, hopefully you can understand how silly it sounds. I am a firm believer of NOT making the same mistakes so many (including myself) have made and those mistakes NEVER work. I have had so many contact me and tell me that they made a mistake and did not get the result they wanted. All I want you to think about is the outcome before you try and convince yourself that doing this or saying that or showing up at the same place unannounced will change things for the better. You have been warned. People tend to think that once a breakup occurs that they need to change for the better. They start to work out, they starting paying more attention to things the person that just walked out the door enjoy. They tend to do things so the other person will see them as "the new and improved you." If we do things for the wrong reasons and NOT for ourselves? How is this going to convince someone to come back? Why did change now? What made you want to change for the other person? Why did it not matter before while you were in the relationship? These are the REAL questions you should be asking yourself. Its when you can HONESTLY answer them and understand that they may NOT be coming back. I am not trying to say they won't but if ANYTHING is done for improvement, do it because YOU want to improve. There is nothing like seeing an ex and saying "I did all of this FOR YOU" knowing they never asked you too. How is that loving? You would have to take that responsibility yourself and chalk that one down as a HARD lesson to learn. Ouch! You may be out there asking yourself...I just want my ex back. Enough of the advice. Just tell me what works. if that idea ever popped in you head, you are NOT ready. You are looking for a quick fix. You are looking for something to fix your heart. You heart and pride HURT. How could they do this to you..... to us? Accountability No matter what, breakups hurt. They are never easy and we try the best we can to wrap our hearts and heads around it. We don't understand (for the most part) of why it happened. Before you start the whole blame game or its all my fault guilt trip, understand one thing. You are ONLY responsible for YOUR part of the relationship. You will have to answer to your own actions or lack of while you were in the relationship. This is why I said earlier that trying to change who you are to be loved by someone else, is never, ever a good idea. You matter. You have ALWAYS matters. Do not try to convince yourself that you are 100% to blame for this unless you are. (If you cheated, domestic violence or any other form of cruelty is an obvious yes you did this to yourself). You have to be true to yourself. The hurt will fade. You have to do your best to stay in control of you feelings as well as yourself in order to maintain the very foundation of what DOES bring someone back to you. If you decide to drink or use drugs, you are doing this out of desperation of not being able to handle the situation. (Which does hurt) It can make the situation 1000x worse. There is nothing like sending a drunken text to someone you love only to NOT have them respond or that does respond and asks you NOT to contact them again. One thing I learned the hard way years ago is to ask myself a simple question BEFORE I continued to make foolish mistakes: "Is this a loving act.....here comes the kicker "in THEIR EYES" (Is this loving them back to me in THEIR eyes). We have to learn NOT to be selfish and only what what WE want. A relationship is about 2 people. Once we take those deep breaths, once we do what we can to take control of ourselves, our OWN actions that we can start to heal ourselves FIRST. (Which is only going to make you a better person in the end no matter what your circumstances.) The way to get someone back is to give them the time and the space to miss you. The reality is that is doesn't always happen or doesn't happen in our own time. This is the hardest thing to understand. This is why I preach NOT making the mistakes so many of us have made in trying to get an ex back. We tend to convince ourselves that if we do nothing they will forget about me. That is your brain talking where you heart should be. Have you EVER IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE ever forgotten anyone that you loved and genuinely loved you back? Get that nonsense out of your head. The key is understanding that an desperate action will NEVER bring your ex back. You have to maintain control of your emotions. That is what brought me here. That is what I am still posting today. My heart hurt. I didn't want to get out of bed. I did not like the person in the mirror. I could not believe that I allowed thoughts of her consume my day to day thinking. It was unbearable at time. I will never, ever claim that my advice is easy. To get you ex back ... is to GET YOU BACK FIRST. Stay away from things that will cause you to make mistakes. Do what you can to create a journal or post here to get out all the raw emotions that your heart is feeling. It hurts BUT it does not mean that you can't get them back. The key is to get through the break FIRST.... get back to being you in order to let new opportunities happen. Sometime we all want to convince ourselves that we are smarter than others so we tend to do things our way since 'they don't know them like I know them' only to come back here saying you made a major mistake. The mistakes can leave you feeling even worse (yes, I am serious) then if you just do everything you can in order NOT to make them. They need time and so do you. By giving someone what they wanted and NOT abusing that gift is a LOVING ACT. You may not understand that now, but it is. Giving them what they want is never easy but know that by letting them go, you are giving them the freedom to miss you and reflect on hopefully positive memories of you. If you hold on to a wet bar of soap too tightly, it will ALWAYS slip through your fingers. We have to learn to let go in order to personally grow. Ask yourself this, would someone acting desperate in order to get YOU back work? The last thing you want is sympathy. Sympathy is a deal breaker. You want them to LOVE You back. It can be done. It takes time. How much time is the question. I look at it like this, to possibly give you an accurate time frame is like this.... the moment the hurt stops, the moment you feel that you can breathe again....the moment you can be you again and see the sun shine again and get out of bed. The moment you can turn off the sad music and stop focusing on THEM but on yourself is the key to know that no matter what. No matter what happened.... you are going to be ok. I want to give one more bit of advice. I know its the holiday season which is filled with love and you may convince yourself of the magic of the season, that they will see you in a different light. Stay away from these thought. Don't convince yourself that there will be a knock at your door or that I will leave this in her mailbox or a gift on their doorstep will show them I love them. It won't. Save that energy and effort. Its not that they aren't worth it, its that YOU need to put you first. If you can't love yourself, then how can others see you for the loving person you are? I want you understand that love DOES come back...but not always in our time. Hold on to the positive memories but also take accountability for your part of the relationship. Understand that there was a reason FOR the breakup. Sometimes people change. Sometimes its distance. No matter what the circumstances, you have to do your best NOT to make the common mistakes that will end up hurting you more. I always choose to look at it this way. What if you ex is on the fence about returning and you do something to push them over the fence by doing something foolish enough to demonstrate to them that they made the right choice by leaving you? No matter where you are.... no matter your age, race or creed. YOU MATTER. People love you. You have always mattered. If you are currently going through a break, know that 'this too shall pass'. Getting back together starts with YOU. NOT the other person. It starts with you getting out of your comfort zone and growing. The hope you need to find is within you. You have the power to do anything and become the loving person that God created you to be. Don't lose hope in yourself. The sun will come back out. The clouds will dissipate. You have some work to do. I wish you all the best. I wish you all a very, happy and safe holiday season. I appreciate you taking the time today. Your Friend, SuperDave71