photomo

Orlander: It wasn't the wrong thing to do at all. I knew full well that I wasn't over her before I went out for the meal. I know I still love her, and I know it will take a very long time for me to get over her...but I am learning to live with it, and I know there will be a part of me that will always love her. This meeting helped me to see that she is not the same person I once knew her as. It has given me the closure I need to move on. We have parted on speaking terms, and we had a good time before we separated that night. I have not taken any steps backwards - sure, I'm still sad, but I'm not upset and emotional. She's left it up to me to contact her if I want to see her. I don't think I'll be doing that in the near future. She knows she can contact me, as I'm ok with not being in strict NC anymore. It's time for me to move on. I won't have any regrets. I was a good lover to her, and one day she'll realise what she has lost.

James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover.....It was played so much on the radio as soon as she left me and it tore my heart each time I heard it. The bit where it goes... "And I still hold your hand in mine. In mine when I'm asleep. And I will bear my soul in time, When I'm kneeling at your feet." ...is so emotional for me, yet so true. I still hold her hand when I'm asleep.

I've just woken up and shed two tears for her. Today I'm feeling a mixture of emotions. I am happy we talked last night, and I'm really happy that we can still be civil. We both know we still "love" each other in a caring way. But I'm also sad that after 6 years, it has come to this....and I know I'll be sad when she finally returns to Spain for her new life. I know that if I stay in England, I don't think I'll ever have another relationship as special as this one, as the different cultures between us is what made it unique. I think that the next girl I give my heart to will probably also have to be Spanish....but it's still early days to know what I want. I just hope the answers become clearer as time goes by...

I know it is. Yet I hate reality. I still believe in our fairytale relationship, and although I can accept what has happened, I am still in disbelief! And it has been 8 months since we broke up!

She meant it in a "I hope you are ok with us just being friends" way. There's nothing else to look further into. She would have made it obvious if she wanted to get back with me. She's completely over me, and has been for a long time. However, I get the impression she is unsure what she wants in life. Maybe there'll be another opportunity in the future....but I'm not holding on for it.

Tonight has come and gone in a flash. After 5 months of NC, we finally decided to meet up and go out for a meal. It was her who initiated the meeting... The night went well. We laughed quite a bit, we talked a bit about the good times in the past, and we talked about how we are now living different lives from each other. She said she missed the times when we used to joke and be silly with each other... I originally planned to leave early...but as the conversation was going so well, I stayed....and eventually ended up driving her home. (I know, perhaps a big mistake - but I can handle it; I already know we're over for sure). I think she was pleased to talk to me - I got the impression she hasn't had such an engaging conversation for a long time. I explained to her about all the fun things I've been up to....she said that she hadn't been up to much and will probably be returning home to Spain at the end of the summer...which is when I really lose her, I guess. She apologised for hurting me so much...I responded by saying it was something that had to be done and it was just life. (There was no solid reason for the breakup - she just fell out of love with me). I made no attempts to plead for her to come back. We parted by saying we had a good time, and agreeing that we ought to do it again sometime. However, she made it quite clear to mention "but only if you're clear with things in your head" - suggesting that things aren't going to go any further between us. She left the ball in my court, telling me to call her if I want to meet up. So, do I want to meet up again? Of course I do...but for all the wrong reasons. I am nowhere near being over her, and I don't think I ever will be. As much as I want to meet up with her again, I can't for my own sake. I need to move on....yet I can't. I had so much planned with her: I wanted to live in Spain - and still do. And until I move out to Spain, I don't think I can get into another serious relationship. Yet I don't know if I can move out to Spain alone....I guess time will tell me what to do. Meanwhile, I guess I'll go back to NC. Tonight has been closure for me. I am happy I met up with her. I am not really that upset, and I certainly haven't taken a step backwards in the healing process. As long as she remembers me as someone happy that is strong enough to put up with all I've been through, then tonight was a success. I just hope that one day in the future, she'll realise how special we actually were...

OK, she tried to call me yesterday...fortunately, my mobile was out of coverage, so she left a message on my voicemail. I didn't respond as I was at work. When I got home, she started talking to me on Messenger (I have deleted her from my list, but not blocked her). We have arranged to meet up tomorrow (Thursday), and to go out for a meal. I wonder how it'll go....! One thing's for sure - I'm not going to be that emotional wreck I was last year, when she broke up with me! SuperDave suggested that at the end of the night, I leave early, before she does.....I wonder how I'll be able to pull this off without coming accross as arogant! It would be completely out of character for me to do something like this! Hmmmm. Again, I tell myself not to have any expectations, although I'm aware that I probably still do deep down inside me. I guess I'll just have to take this risk. If it all goes wrong, I'll simply go back into NC...not a problem! I'll let you all know how it goes! Cheers for the advice!

It gets particularly harsh when you want to express your feelings...I used to explain everything to my ex...and I used to listen to all her problems. At first, my friends listened to me....but now they are fed up with me talking about my problems.....and now all I can do is bottle-up all my problems (and express them on this site). It's not good. And now my best friend has got himself hooked up with a girl...so I'm even more alone! Oh well......good things come to those who wait, I guess!

"...I do not deny you haven't made an effort to fix our relationship. I've got to admit you have put up with a lot and I feel bad every minute of the day for making you go through all of that. You know it wasn't my intention to break your heart and hurt you, because you mean a lot to me, you-ve been always so kind to me, and it was very painful to say all the things I said to you. I don't think I'm being weak - all the opposite actually - now is when I've been strong and made a decision. Even though you are going through a rough time now (so am I - dont think im having the time of my life, not at all) i went through a rough time for many years. I know i kept all these feelings and maybe I should have talked to my friends about it, but I didn't do it until March (2005 - this was when she broke up with me for the first time). However, you knew for a very long time that I wasn't happy. Maybe it wasn't just the way you didn't seem to care about us, but also that we had grown up and our personalities were different. For a long time I-ve not wanted to make love to you, just because I did not feel like it. And you-ve heard those words from me, and you didnt use to believe them, but it was the truth. There was no passion inside me, no attraction that made me want to make love to you. It was very hard for me to realise about that as I did not want to say it to you, i knew it-d hurt you, so that's why many times i'd say i was tired or had a headache - but in the end, I did tell you that I just didnt feel like it - and it was the truth. I know i could be that you didn't make me feel special during the day and that's why I didnt want to do it, but even on the few days that we were happy, it'd come night time and I'd have that fear inside me again and I'd not want to do anything... I know you-ve changed, but I honestly think that what I feel for you is simply "friendship" and I do not want this to be a reason for me to get back with you. I believe you-d make me happy, and we'd laugh together like friends do...but when it comes to intimate things, that's when the problem comes, and that proves that something is wrong... I know you-ve changed, and you-d like me to give it another chance , but I thought we already gave it another chance in March! I believe you when you say you've changed...and I am sure you have, but we are not talking about personalities here...we're talking about having lost feeling for you...it's difficult to know what my heart tells me (i wish it could speak to me)...and that's why i find it difficult to know what my true feelings for you are....but i know, even though my heart wouldnt talk to me, the actions did...so all that time we were having bad times, my heart told me i didnt want to kiss/hug/make love....etc, because it just didnt feel right to me. I've spoken to people that have gone through the same - and they tell me it's just that love has gone and passion has gone...don't you think so?" I was deleting old mail from my inbox when I came accross this mail, written 6 months ago. I'm meeting my ex on Thursday after almost 5 months of NC, so I thought I might as well read it, just to see how things have changed. I read this mail many times in November...and haven't looked at it or thought about it since. It has been a reality shock to me - I guess I was building up hope over time, and now this mail has torn it all down...and now I feel like I shouldn't be seeing her on Thursday, as it was clear from the mail that she has no feelings for me... Oh well, I'm not going to back out now. We broke NC once at a wedding 2 weeks ago, and that went alright - she initiated this meeting, so maybe she wants to see whether her feelings have changed....but I doubt it very much. I guess I'm going to have to see her with no expectations and bear in mind all the great advice that I've been given on these forums.... At least I know there was never a problem with my feelings for her, and that's what makes me happy. One day I'll make someone happy, if it's not going to be her.

OK, it's now been a week since we last had contact. She last texted me to confirm the date, and to tell me she had passed an exam. She also mentioned she could do any day I wanted. (She's making herself more available than me). I replied last week, saying it had to be this coming Thursday...and congratulated her on her exam, mentioning that I knew she would pass it. Since then, there has been no communication. I left the ball in her court to arrange a time and place to meet up. So far, she hasn't called to sort this out....I guess there are still a couple more days left before Thursday, though! Last night I had a very strange dream about her (the first in months), which has left me feeling really awkward all day...I've accepted it is over, yet today I have been in denial all day....strange.... I'm not nervous about meeting her....and I'm going to do my very best to make sure she is not nervous and is comfortable to talk to me again. I'm going to make sure she laughs and has a good time with me. Yet I still don't know whether or not I should ask her about her intentions if we do not talk about the relationship all night...I can honestly say I can answer yes to just about every question blender mentioned above.... Should I be straight up at the end of the night, and ask her what she expects from me?

Isn't it amazing to realise how few friends you have once the love of your life leaves you? Not even once in our 6 year relationship did I stop to think what life would be like without her.....and not once did I think about how many friends I actually have. Well, the answer is three. That's it! Just three friends - one being my brother! The problem is they all have their own lives outside of my friendship.....and I now have nothing. All I can do is depend on these three friends for my happiness. Yet at times like now, when they are all busy, what can I do? Here I am, all alone in my flat, doing nothing....just wishing I could be happy. I could go outside - I live in the centre of town - but what can I do myself?! Go to a bar alone?! When I was with my ex, I never needed to think about all these things because she was my best friend. She knew all my secrets; I told her everything. She was like 1000 friends to me. I didn't need anyone else; she gave me everything I could want in a relationship and a friendship. But that has all gone. It's now the weekend. I've been looking forward to it all week, seeing as work is so boring and full of geeks who don't talk. I've been dying to go out and have a laugh...yet there is no-one to do that with tonight. Sometimes I just wish I could get out of this repetitive circle of events..... Does anyone else feel the same?

Neptune... ...Be sure to post how it went - I'll also be meeting up with my ex next week, and I'd greatly appreciate any advice you can offer once you have seen your ex. Good luck, and remember to be yourself - the person you were when your ex fell in love with you. Also, unless you can handle it, do not ask direct questions which will prompt your ex for an emotional response. photomo

Blender: Supposing it goes well and we have a good time together, and then the evening comes to an end....what should be done/said? Supposing we don't talk about our situation and just have a good time, how can I know what her intentions are (eg. friends or reconciliation)? Should I perhaps ask this during this first meeting...or maybe arrange to meet up again so we have a better chance of getting to know each other again before I ask? Maybe her feelings will slowly change after a few meetings and not the first... I feel that this meeting will have to be treated like a first date with someone I have just met; it can either go well or it can either fizzle out - and there will be no real loss because it will be like losing a stranger.

OK, I texted her the following message: "Ey up! I'm already at home. I was happy to see you too. I also had many questions but there wasn't enough time. I hope you enjoy the sun and the time with your family! T" To my surprise she replied.... "Ey up, I was going to send you a message at the same time because you didn't reply and I thought you hadn't arrived. Is everything ok? Maybe, if you want to, we could meet up one day to talk more, but only if you are ok and feel like it. Take care of yourself please, L" Again, I'm going to give it some time and thought before I reply to this message. I am worried that I may be setting myself up for more pain. I am pretty sure she doesn't want to reconcile....but I also think she is having doubts. I understand that the only way people are able to reconcile is to meet up and get to know each other again, noticing the things that have changed since the breakup. However, this is also a risk of getting hurt.....but I guess if I don't show too much emotion and don't ask questions which may have painful answers, it may be ok... I think I will probably text her back, saying something along the lines that I am busy studying for an exam at the moment, and that she could call me next week to sort something out... I don't want to make myself look needy, and I want to make it look like I have other things to do with my life....Is this a good idea?

Blender: You have some good points there....you're right - the less I reveal about my feelings, the more she'll have to ask etc - which is what I want, I guess. Besides, it will also make me appear more mysterious and more of a challenge to her. I guess she didn't ask the questions because we never had time to ourselves...and conversation was awkward between us - neither of us knew how to act. I had plently of questions to ask her...but I guess it is probably best that I didn't get time to ask them - which makes me seem more distant and looks like I have moved on.