photomo

Orlander: It wasn't the wrong thing to do at all. I knew full well that I wasn't over her before I went out for the meal. I know I still love her, and I know it will take a very long time for me to get over her...but I am learning to live with it, and I know there will be a part of me that will always love her. This meeting helped me to see that she is not the same person I once knew her as. It has given me the closure I need to move on. We have parted on speaking terms, and we had a good time before we separated that night. I have not taken any steps backwards - sure, I'm still sad, but I'm not upset and emotional. She's left it up to me to contact her if I want to see her. I don't think I'll be doing that in the near future. She knows she can contact me, as I'm ok with not being in strict NC anymore. It's time for me to move on. I won't have any regrets. I was a good lover to her, and one day she'll realise what she has lost.

James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover.....It was played so much on the radio as soon as she left me and it tore my heart each time I heard it. The bit where it goes... "And I still hold your hand in mine. In mine when I'm asleep. And I will bear my soul in time, When I'm kneeling at your feet." ...is so emotional for me, yet so true. I still hold her hand when I'm asleep.

I've just woken up and shed two tears for her. Today I'm feeling a mixture of emotions. I am happy we talked last night, and I'm really happy that we can still be civil. We both know we still "love" each other in a caring way. But I'm also sad that after 6 years, it has come to this....and I know I'll be sad when she finally returns to Spain for her new life. I know that if I stay in England, I don't think I'll ever have another relationship as special as this one, as the different cultures between us is what made it unique. I think that the next girl I give my heart to will probably also have to be Spanish....but it's still early days to know what I want. I just hope the answers become clearer as time goes by...

I know it is. Yet I hate reality. I still believe in our fairytale relationship, and although I can accept what has happened, I am still in disbelief! And it has been 8 months since we broke up!

She meant it in a "I hope you are ok with us just being friends" way. There's nothing else to look further into. She would have made it obvious if she wanted to get back with me. She's completely over me, and has been for a long time. However, I get the impression she is unsure what she wants in life. Maybe there'll be another opportunity in the future....but I'm not holding on for it.

Tonight has come and gone in a flash. After 5 months of NC, we finally decided to meet up and go out for a meal. It was her who initiated the meeting... The night went well. We laughed quite a bit, we talked a bit about the good times in the past, and we talked about how we are now living different lives from each other. She said she missed the times when we used to joke and be silly with each other... I originally planned to leave early...but as the conversation was going so well, I stayed....and eventually ended up driving her home. (I know, perhaps a big mistake - but I can handle it; I already know we're over for sure). I think she was pleased to talk to me - I got the impression she hasn't had such an engaging conversation for a long time. I explained to her about all the fun things I've been up to....she said that she hadn't been up to much and will probably be returning home to Spain at the end of the summer...which is when I really lose her, I guess. She apologised for hurting me so much...I responded by saying it was something that had to be done and it was just life. (There was no solid reason for the breakup - she just fell out of love with me). I made no attempts to plead for her to come back. We parted by saying we had a good time, and agreeing that we ought to do it again sometime. However, she made it quite clear to mention "but only if you're clear with things in your head" - suggesting that things aren't going to go any further between us. She left the ball in my court, telling me to call her if I want to meet up. So, do I want to meet up again? Of course I do...but for all the wrong reasons. I am nowhere near being over her, and I don't think I ever will be. As much as I want to meet up with her again, I can't for my own sake. I need to move on....yet I can't. I had so much planned with her: I wanted to live in Spain - and still do. And until I move out to Spain, I don't think I can get into another serious relationship. Yet I don't know if I can move out to Spain alone....I guess time will tell me what to do. Meanwhile, I guess I'll go back to NC. Tonight has been closure for me. I am happy I met up with her. I am not really that upset, and I certainly haven't taken a step backwards in the healing process. As long as she remembers me as someone happy that is strong enough to put up with all I've been through, then tonight was a success. I just hope that one day in the future, she'll realise how special we actually were...

OK, she tried to call me yesterday...fortunately, my mobile was out of coverage, so she left a message on my voicemail. I didn't respond as I was at work. When I got home, she started talking to me on Messenger (I have deleted her from my list, but not blocked her). We have arranged to meet up tomorrow (Thursday), and to go out for a meal. I wonder how it'll go....! One thing's for sure - I'm not going to be that emotional wreck I was last year, when she broke up with me! SuperDave suggested that at the end of the night, I leave early, before she does.....I wonder how I'll be able to pull this off without coming accross as arogant! It would be completely out of character for me to do something like this! Hmmmm. Again, I tell myself not to have any expectations, although I'm aware that I probably still do deep down inside me. I guess I'll just have to take this risk. If it all goes wrong, I'll simply go back into NC...not a problem! I'll let you all know how it goes! Cheers for the advice!

It gets particularly harsh when you want to express your feelings...I used to explain everything to my ex...and I used to listen to all her problems. At first, my friends listened to me....but now they are fed up with me talking about my problems.....and now all I can do is bottle-up all my problems (and express them on this site). It's not good. And now my best friend has got himself hooked up with a girl...so I'm even more alone! Oh well......good things come to those who wait, I guess!

"...I do not deny you haven't made an effort to fix our relationship. I've got to admit you have put up with a lot and I feel bad every minute of the day for making you go through all of that. You know it wasn't my intention to break your heart and hurt you, because you mean a lot to me, you-ve been always so kind to me, and it was very painful to say all the things I said to you. I don't think I'm being weak - all the opposite actually - now is when I've been strong and made a decision. Even though you are going through a rough time now (so am I - dont think im having the time of my life, not at all) i went through a rough time for many years. I know i kept all these feelings and maybe I should have talked to my friends about it, but I didn't do it until March (2005 - this was when she broke up with me for the first time). However, you knew for a very long time that I wasn't happy. Maybe it wasn't just the way you didn't seem to care about us, but also that we had grown up and our personalities were different. For a long time I-ve not wanted to make love to you, just because I did not feel like it. And you-ve heard those words from me, and you didnt use to believe them, but it was the truth. There was no passion inside me, no attraction that made me want to make love to you. It was very hard for me to realise about that as I did not want to say it to you, i knew it-d hurt you, so that's why many times i'd say i was tired or had a headache - but in the end, I did tell you that I just didnt feel like it - and it was the truth. I know i could be that you didn't make me feel special during the day and that's why I didnt want to do it, but even on the few days that we were happy, it'd come night time and I'd have that fear inside me again and I'd not want to do anything... I know you-ve changed, but I honestly think that what I feel for you is simply "friendship" and I do not want this to be a reason for me to get back with you. I believe you-d make me happy, and we'd laugh together like friends do...but when it comes to intimate things, that's when the problem comes, and that proves that something is wrong... I know you-ve changed, and you-d like me to give it another chance , but I thought we already gave it another chance in March! I believe you when you say you've changed...and I am sure you have, but we are not talking about personalities here...we're talking about having lost feeling for you...it's difficult to know what my heart tells me (i wish it could speak to me)...and that's why i find it difficult to know what my true feelings for you are....but i know, even though my heart wouldnt talk to me, the actions did...so all that time we were having bad times, my heart told me i didnt want to kiss/hug/make love....etc, because it just didnt feel right to me. I've spoken to people that have gone through the same - and they tell me it's just that love has gone and passion has gone...don't you think so?" I was deleting old mail from my inbox when I came accross this mail, written 6 months ago. I'm meeting my ex on Thursday after almost 5 months of NC, so I thought I might as well read it, just to see how things have changed. I read this mail many times in November...and haven't looked at it or thought about it since. It has been a reality shock to me - I guess I was building up hope over time, and now this mail has torn it all down...and now I feel like I shouldn't be seeing her on Thursday, as it was clear from the mail that she has no feelings for me... Oh well, I'm not going to back out now. We broke NC once at a wedding 2 weeks ago, and that went alright - she initiated this meeting, so maybe she wants to see whether her feelings have changed....but I doubt it very much. I guess I'm going to have to see her with no expectations and bear in mind all the great advice that I've been given on these forums.... At least I know there was never a problem with my feelings for her, and that's what makes me happy. One day I'll make someone happy, if it's not going to be her.

OK, it's now been a week since we last had contact. She last texted me to confirm the date, and to tell me she had passed an exam. She also mentioned she could do any day I wanted. (She's making herself more available than me). I replied last week, saying it had to be this coming Thursday...and congratulated her on her exam, mentioning that I knew she would pass it. Since then, there has been no communication. I left the ball in her court to arrange a time and place to meet up. So far, she hasn't called to sort this out....I guess there are still a couple more days left before Thursday, though! Last night I had a very strange dream about her (the first in months), which has left me feeling really awkward all day...I've accepted it is over, yet today I have been in denial all day....strange.... I'm not nervous about meeting her....and I'm going to do my very best to make sure she is not nervous and is comfortable to talk to me again. I'm going to make sure she laughs and has a good time with me. Yet I still don't know whether or not I should ask her about her intentions if we do not talk about the relationship all night...I can honestly say I can answer yes to just about every question blender mentioned above.... Should I be straight up at the end of the night, and ask her what she expects from me?

Isn't it amazing to realise how few friends you have once the love of your life leaves you? Not even once in our 6 year relationship did I stop to think what life would be like without her.....and not once did I think about how many friends I actually have. Well, the answer is three. That's it! Just three friends - one being my brother! The problem is they all have their own lives outside of my friendship.....and I now have nothing. All I can do is depend on these three friends for my happiness. Yet at times like now, when they are all busy, what can I do? Here I am, all alone in my flat, doing nothing....just wishing I could be happy. I could go outside - I live in the centre of town - but what can I do myself?! Go to a bar alone?! When I was with my ex, I never needed to think about all these things because she was my best friend. She knew all my secrets; I told her everything. She was like 1000 friends to me. I didn't need anyone else; she gave me everything I could want in a relationship and a friendship. But that has all gone. It's now the weekend. I've been looking forward to it all week, seeing as work is so boring and full of geeks who don't talk. I've been dying to go out and have a laugh...yet there is no-one to do that with tonight. Sometimes I just wish I could get out of this repetitive circle of events..... Does anyone else feel the same?

Neptune... ...Be sure to post how it went - I'll also be meeting up with my ex next week, and I'd greatly appreciate any advice you can offer once you have seen your ex. Good luck, and remember to be yourself - the person you were when your ex fell in love with you. Also, unless you can handle it, do not ask direct questions which will prompt your ex for an emotional response. photomo

Blender: Supposing it goes well and we have a good time together, and then the evening comes to an end....what should be done/said? Supposing we don't talk about our situation and just have a good time, how can I know what her intentions are (eg. friends or reconciliation)? Should I perhaps ask this during this first meeting...or maybe arrange to meet up again so we have a better chance of getting to know each other again before I ask? Maybe her feelings will slowly change after a few meetings and not the first... I feel that this meeting will have to be treated like a first date with someone I have just met; it can either go well or it can either fizzle out - and there will be no real loss because it will be like losing a stranger.

OK, I texted her the following message: "Ey up! I'm already at home. I was happy to see you too. I also had many questions but there wasn't enough time. I hope you enjoy the sun and the time with your family! T" To my surprise she replied.... "Ey up, I was going to send you a message at the same time because you didn't reply and I thought you hadn't arrived. Is everything ok? Maybe, if you want to, we could meet up one day to talk more, but only if you are ok and feel like it. Take care of yourself please, L" Again, I'm going to give it some time and thought before I reply to this message. I am worried that I may be setting myself up for more pain. I am pretty sure she doesn't want to reconcile....but I also think she is having doubts. I understand that the only way people are able to reconcile is to meet up and get to know each other again, noticing the things that have changed since the breakup. However, this is also a risk of getting hurt.....but I guess if I don't show too much emotion and don't ask questions which may have painful answers, it may be ok... I think I will probably text her back, saying something along the lines that I am busy studying for an exam at the moment, and that she could call me next week to sort something out... I don't want to make myself look needy, and I want to make it look like I have other things to do with my life....Is this a good idea?

Blender: You have some good points there....you're right - the less I reveal about my feelings, the more she'll have to ask etc - which is what I want, I guess. Besides, it will also make me appear more mysterious and more of a challenge to her. I guess she didn't ask the questions because we never had time to ourselves...and conversation was awkward between us - neither of us knew how to act. I had plently of questions to ask her...but I guess it is probably best that I didn't get time to ask them - which makes me seem more distant and looks like I have moved on.

Over the weekend I flew out to Spain to attend the wedding of our mutual friends. I met my ex at the wedding, after 4 months of strict NC. (We were together for 6 years before she left me in October last year). We both talked about "normal" things, and there was no talk about the breakup etc. Conversation was difficult because I think we were both nervous....I didn't know what to expect, and I guess she was nervous because I told her not to contact me. I was quite surprised with the wedding gift she got our friends. It was a photo album containing photos of when she and the bride were younger....but then it also included quite a few photos of me and her together with the bride and groom. I was surprised she put photos of me and her in the gift......anyway, I am not going to look into it! Anyway, things went ok - I showed no emotion, and didn't make it at all obvious that I wanted her back. She asked me whether she'd see me at all when we both got back to England - I told her I was fed up with doing NC, and I feel strong enough to talk to her - although I couldn't guarantee whether we'd meet up etc. We later parted that night, just in a friendly way... When I was in the taxi home I received a message from her. It read: "Hello! Did you get back yet? I hope you were as happy to see me as I was...especially because we talked to each other and it felt alright. There's so many things I wanted to ask you! I hope to hear from you soon. Take care, have a nice flight, if you need anything let me know....L x" Now, I don't know how to interpret this message....it's probably just her being friendly and I shouldn't look for deeper meanings in it. As of yet, I still haven't replied....I wanted to hear your advice on how such a message should be answered. My first thoughts are to just say something along the lines that I was also pleased to see her and that I also had many things to tell her but ran out of time....what do you think? All suggestions welcomed! Thanks, photomo

Now this is a post that has got me questioning myself...!

The follow-up to this post can be found here:

This post is a follow-up to "Breaking NC after 4 Months - My Thoughts: The Preparation" - For those who don't have the time to read it, I'll quickly summarise my journey to breaking NC. I was with my ex for 6 years, she left me last October because she fell out of love with me, and we grew distant. In January, after much hurt, I went into NC. Fast-forward to now and it is time to break NC as we both have to go to some mutual friends' wedding, in my ex's hometown in Spain. As my friends were holding a stag/hen party, I thought it would be a good idea to fly out to Spain a week before, just to get over the initial shock of reliving all the memories. I also took the opportunity to meet new people that she doesn't know, seeing as she wasn't there, so that has put me in a more advantageous position for the wedding this weekend. Last weekend I had the best time since the breakup. I had a fantastic time with my Spanish friends, and I also made the effort to go and visit my ex's family. I originally planned just to see her parents and sisters, but it led to me seeing her grandparents, cousins, friends etc by coincidence! They all made it clear to me that they were upset with my ex's decision, and also mentioned that I was like family to them. This has made me extremely happy - I have also made myself happy by proving that I am a civil person that can still remain in contact with my ex's family and touch all their hearts without showing any resentment towards my ex. I don't think many others could be as strong as this, especially when all communication was in a foreign language. My ex's family and friends were all impressed with how much Spanish I can now speak, and I was able to hold conversations that I just couldn't do so before the breakup....so hopefully that has made them see me in another light, and I'm happy that I got my side of the story accross to them. I managed to extract lots of information about how the wedding will be, what day my ex will arrive, etc, etc so I will be attending it well prepared. I hopefully know enough not to be surprised...afterall, it's the unexpected that I am worried will hurt me. I'm feeling a much more confident person now. I know many people still care about me out in Spain, and I know I will be happy to see my ex again. I clearly know she doesn't want to get back with me, so now it's my opportunity to show her how much of a better person I am without her, but in a nice way that may make her doubt her decision. I'm fed up with playing games and avoiding her. I'm going to be strong and just talk to her - just general chit-chat unless she brings up the topic of "us". I know she could never be as strong as me if the roles were reversed, so I am happy for myself once again. Hopefully things will go smoothly at the wedding. My mind is not hoping for anything from her; my heart is however - but there is nothing I can do about that anymore. At the end of the day, my worst enemy will only be myself - so I've got to make sure I keep my feelings stable and not get emotional. This may be the last time I see my ex for a long while, so I'm going to try my very best to make sure she remembers me as someone happy. I'll be back next week with details of what happens... Take care, photomo

FCTex: You've raised some good points that I hadn't actually thought about...now I'm planning for this unexpected plan that I will follow when I see her! ;-) I have one of my best friends flying out to the wedding with me, so I know I will have some support when I am there, and I can easily avoid her if necessary, without being alone. Malcontent: When I asked my friends who are getting married about whether she'd be bringing anyone else, they told me that it was strictly invitation. However, that was a while ago, and whether that has changed I do not know. If she does bring anyone else, I guess I'll have to just be strong and pretend that I am not bothered about the situation. Obviously it will change what I will talk to her about, but I think being civil and strong is the best option to go for. In fact, I probably would even support her with her decision of having someone else. What do you think is better? Being blatently jealous and upset, or being strong and happy for her? Likewise, I am still not ready for dating anyone yet...and it has almost been 8 months since the breakup. I guess the time will come when I know I am completely over her.

It's been a while since I last posted on this forum. I've been keeping myself busy trying to do some healing, which meant finding answers by myself without having to rely on this forum. But now I'm back - mainly to provide others with the experience of breaking NC on which I am about to embark, but also for some last minute support! Although this may turn out to be a long post, I hope someone somewhere will find some valid points to make their situation better. This post is the first of two: this one is the preparation before breaking NC, and this will be followed by a conclusion sometime after breaking NC occurs. I'll begin with a summary of my relationship: I met her in Spain in 1999, when I was 16 and when she was 17. At first it was a LDR (I am English), but love brought us together and we lived at each other's parents' houses. We stayed together for over 6 years, although I felt her desire for me declined after the second year. She eventually fell out of love with me when she got her own place and independence, and left me in October last year. I tried all the begging and pleading, and by the time Christmas came, I finally realised I had to do NC to keep myself sane. Fast-forward to now. 4 months have passed and I haven't heard a word from her, nor has she heard anything from me. However, I have spoken to her friends and have had a few conversations with her family (who appear to be as upset as I am). She, on the other hand, has made no effort to contact any of my friends and family. In just over a week's time, we will be breaking NC - but not because we want to, but because we both have to attend some mutual friends' wedding. Because the wedding is in her home town in Spain, I have decided to go out there a week early so that I can get over the "shock" of having all the memories coming back *before* having to meet her. This way, I'll only have to deal with her when I see her, and not the sadness of all these lost memories. NC has been a great tool to get me to where I am today. At the beginning of the breakup, I thought that the relationship ended because of my mistakes. In the lead up to the end, I was a bit arrogant and a bit distant (I had a lot of pressure from uni exams, finding a job etc). When I began NC, I worked on improving my weaknesses and tried to analyse the relationship with an open mind. It then became clear to me that I wasn't such a bad guy afterall, and that I had no real reason to beat myself up about something I did. Yes, I admit I made mistakes in the past, but one thing I am so proud of is that I never stopped loving her throughout those 6 years, and I never did anything to hurt her. It was her who slowly stopped loving me, and my mistakes were more than likely to be caused by her lack of intimacy towards me. I now realise there is nothing I can do about the situation. NC has helped me to understand myself again and has put me in a stable position to meet her again. NC has also made me realise that I am myself, and no-one can ever replace me. We are all unique and everyone possesses qualities that no-one else has. NC has made me realise that I will never have any regrets. I did all I could, and by going NC no more mistakes can be made. However, she may (or may not) experience regrets later on in life, for example, when she realises that her next partner is not so great after 6 years afterall... As the days get closer to seeing her, my stomach is in knots, and I know I am panicking inside. I recognise that my heart still wants to get back with her, yet my mind is telling me this will never happen. I've been planning out how to act when I see her. I basically have 3 options: 1) Ignore her completely 2) Show her my anger and sadness 3) Be myself and pretend nothing has happened I really feel like going with option 2), but I know this will not be good for anyone. So option 3) is which I'll take. When our eyes first make contact, I plan to give her a cheeky smile, perhaps by sticking my tongue out or something, just to make her laugh and let her know that I won't be awkward to talk to. I will then wait for a while to see if she has the courage to initiate contact with me. If she doesn't, I guess I'll bite the bullet and approach her. I plan to keep the conversation light, with strictly no talking about our relationship. I'll let her lead the conversation, and will mirror the detail she goes into about a particular topic. If she asks me whether I have been with anyone else, I will politely tell her that she is not in a position to know, and that such a topic is best avoided. Hopefully, things will go smoothly, and we will have some fun, which is something which seems so far away in the past. When it comes to say goodbye, I plan to wish her all the best, and that I hope she finds someone who can love her more than I ever could. I will also mention that it would be nice to see her again sometime in the future (although maybe not in the near future unless she makes reconciliation obvious). This leaves the ball in her court and subtly suggests that I *may* still be interested in her. Whatever happens, I just hope I can leave this wedding with a happy memory of this (perhaps last) one-to-one with my ex. I will write an update in a couple of weeks with what actually happened, and what I think may happen in future. Meanwhile, I hope that someone here has found something useful in this post. If anyone wants to add their advice, please go ahead! Take care, and the best of luck to you all.

Hi deejay74, 1 month, although a great milestone (congratulations), is nothing, although it's one step forwards. I've been in NC for over 3 months, and I'm still not over my ex. In fact, I don't think I ever will. I've just learnt to live without her, and you'll have to do the same. When you start to reach 2 months or so of NC, then it will just feel "normal". Sure, you'll still feel lonely, and possibly still upset (although not as much), but you'll be in a much better position to look at your relationship logically, and without being clouded by emotion. I don't doubt that there will be times when you'll want to contact her...but remember - it will probably leave you more hurt. You need space and time to realise where you stand...let her come to you, don't go looking for her unless you want to risk rejection and pain.

I guess what makes me unique to them is I am English....and my ex and her family are Spanish. They saw me grow up from a 16 year old that couldn't speak any Spanish, to a 23 year old that is almost fluent in Spanish. No matter what happens in the future, at least I'll know that I was "special" because I was foreign! I really doubt my ex would go through all the effort to meet another foreign guy...and if she did, I doubt he'd be willing to give up his life in his country to be with her....

I was doing really well with the NC...it has now been 3 months since we last spoke, and I was feeling a lot stronger and happier. But then her parents called me yesterday, completely out of the blue. It was great to hear from them....they were interested in what I was up to and how I was, and they wanted to know if I was better, as the last time I saw them I was an emotional wreck. They mentioned they were calling because they wanted to, and that my ex had no idea about it....and probably won't be told about it, seeing as my ex doesn't talk about me to them anymore. For the first time in 3 months, I had tears in my eyes, after hearing her parents saying that they were missing me, and love me etc. Afterall, I had been with their daughter for over 6 years, so they are like family to me. It just seems so sad that I got on so well with her parents and sisters, and that they were so pleased to hear from me yesterday....yet despite all that, my ex pushed me out of their lives. It feels like such a good friendship has been thrown away.

It's now been 6 months since the breakup, with the past 3 months being strictly no contact. We were together for 6 years. She is Spanish, I am English. We have both lived in each other's country, and I really got acustomed to living in Spain. I was deeply in love with her, and we always spoke of our plans to buy a house together in Spain. She learnt English from me, and I learnt Spanish from her. Our relationship was on the rocks for the best part of 2005...and she officially left me in October as she felt she didn't love me anymore. During the past 3 months of NC, I have learned to accept that it is over, and that she'll probably never come back to me. I've also started realising that she probably stopped loving me years before we broke up. I am now at a stage where I feel I don't know what to do with my life. I was so happy out in Barcelona, and I really wanted to live there. But now that she is not with me, I don't know if I could go back there by myself, and attempt to start a new life alone, without any friends nearby. Likewise, if I stay in England, I feel that I am "wasting" all my efforts to learn Spanish and the Spanish culture. I don't know if I want to have another Spanish girlfriend, or stay at home and look for an English girlfriend. Until I have made up my mind, I don't think I could get into another serious relationship as it would be unfair on the girl. I am planning to take a year out travelling next year, just to try and straighten out my broken dreams...but right now, the future just looks so divided. I'd appreciate any advice anyone could offer, especially if you have been in a similar situation. Thanks, photomo