curlygirl47

No --- there is definitely no other way. I have no savings and would have no job, unless I find one between now and then. Even then, I would have to have a little time to save enough to get an apartment, etc. Yes, I could take some time off work --- take sick leave, actually, and go for a visit. But the only reason I even want out of here is because of losing the ex and not wanting to see him out around town and long for him. Maybe these feelings will fade some and I will consider staying here.

I think. I did get a little sleep last night, with the help of some cognac and some herbal stuff --- but I had some bad patches throughout the night and again this morning. Part of what is happening is that I alternate between hope and despair, and when I have hope, I am happier, obviously. Last night I felt a strong sense that my ex misses me, regardless of what he is doing to fill his time, and that he is wondering where I am and what I am doing. And it comforted me to know that. We were happy together, and he knows it. Today, however, has got to be about ME, and I've got a lot of work to do. I haven't really been doing any work at work for a while now because I haven't been able to concentrate on anything but this relationship and my loss. Yesterday, I did catch up on some filing, and I'm going to do some more today. Life MUST go on, even if slowly and painfully. I WILL feel better eventually, one way or the other. Next Monday I will see the doc and get some help with the sleeping and mood problems. Yesterday, my friend who is also a counselor called the doc and asked that I be seen earlier than my scheduled appointment because she was worried about the severe level of my depression and crying spells, etc., so maybe I'll see her sooner that next week. I could sure use the help, especially with sleeping.

Last night when I was out, sitting at the bar, I had this sudden feeling of confidence that if my ex came in and saw me there, he would have a rush of memories and want to be with me. The great thing is I know it was true --- there was just something about the place and the timing and the memories we had together there. It was a moment of glory. It was nice. Just wanted to share something positive about what has been a difficult few days.

Pikey, Yesterday was SO BAD, but then last night I took my St. John's Wort and another herbal concoction, got dressed and went out for a drink, and then went over to my friend's house for conversation and cognac. She had invited a friend (to cheer me up, I'm sure), who gave me a kiss at the end of the night, but it felt wrong. Anyway, I'm sure the herbs and the liquor and the playful atmospheretook the edge off of my pain for a while, which was nice. This morning I'm back to missing P. but it's not as bad as yesterday. I'm trying to think of what I'm going to do this spring. Stay here or move away, and focusing on that helps to take a little of the focus off P. 24/7. Last night when I stopped at the first place to have a drink, I ran into someone who usually sees me with P. and he mentioned that, so I explained that P. and I are not together anymore. He said, "I'm sorry to hear that. You made a great couple." And of course we did. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I hope so much we get back together, but I have to be patient if it's going to happen. I miss him so much. This is the 8th day, NC.

This is the worst day yet, I think. I slept very little last night, and all my old hurts came falling on me at once, on top of the current one. All my own mistakes, the times I hurt people, etc. I guess I'm reaping what I've sowed, but I swear all I ever wanted was the love I needed, and I don't think I've ever been cruel or failed to respond when someone needed me. No, that's not true. My ex-husband was suffering very much about a month after we split, and I remember him saying to me, "This is a nightmare" and wanting me to spend the night. I wouldn't do it. Oh, it hurts so much to realize how terribly he must have been suffering at that time --- we had been together 10 years, and I'm about to go over the edge over a 4-month relationship. What goes around comes around. I'll have to try to remember that at that time I did not mean to be cruel, but I was dead set on walking away and I had all this new-found freedom. It was only later that the regret and guilt and pain on his behalf set in. It's still here today, 8 years later. And I did love him, and do love him. I just didn't see our problems working out. I don't know if I'll ever fully forgive myself for hurting him. So, anyway. I guess I need to bite the bullet and realize that I'm on the receiving end of this thing again, and it stinks. Okay, I'm about to leave work in 15 minutes, and if I haven't broken down and called my current ex by then, I probably won't because my cell phone is out of service. I'll go for my walk and try to sleep for a little while, watch a movie or something.

I really really want to express my need to see my ex at this point. I know that he would come for a visit if I asked, but I know that also weakens and verifies my position as the dumpee. So I'm trying to hold strong. The other strong temptation I have is to call someone who would like a relationship with me, but ultimately I won't be interested in anything long term. I'm not sure I can keep from going one way or the other today. Maybe just writing this out and admitting it will help. I do look forward to going for my 4-mile walk this afternoon; it clears my head and gives me something to do. Normally, I would go out in the evenings, drink a little and socialize, but I'm broke and will be for 8 more days. I've been going out anyway and just having a diet coke or a glass of ice water and at least sitting in a crowd once a day for about 30 minutes to an hour before going home to the lonely lonely hours. No money for new activities, a class, etc. right now.

I have a really really good job, making more money than I've ever made. I doubt I'll get a job like this one again. Moving back to the home state means moving in with an ex (R.) and depending on him financially until I get on my feet --- the idea of which will make him happy but scares me. On the other hand, I don't think I can stay here with the way things are. I know you are thinking get a grip, but there is nowhere else to stay if I go back home. And selfishly, I do think about how he loves me and nurtures me and will take care of me. I have never done this before --- I have always lived on my own since my divorce eight years ago. But at this point I am feeling really unwell and I think that I need R.'s love and support. The only other choice is to stay here and stick it out while trying to find another job somewhere, and as I said, I won't find one like this one.

I have had a problem with depression on and off almost since I was born, due to violence in my home, etc. I finally got on Zoloft a few years ago after four months of agony from another breakup; normally, I rally, but that time I didn't, and I was in danger of giving up on life. The Zoloft helped so much; I stopped having the tidal waves of sorrow in the morning as soon as I woke up, and I just generally had more hope and energy for life. But I gained so much weight I finally quit the stuff about a year and a half ago. Now, with the bad depression triggered again by this recent loss, I think I'd better have some help again. It's pretty bad at night; I don't sleep at all, and I have obsessive thoughts, and I even tried to hurt myself a few times last week --- nothing serious, but just the same, it's not healthy and I don't want to keep spiraling downhill.

Remember that he has probably been somebody's fool before or will eventually be one, so he'll go through what you're going through. He has the power right now, but he won't always. Try to forgive him and try try try to just get quiet inside for at least 24 hours.

You're doing the best you can. Ease up on yourself. Take 24 hours to get quiet in your spirit before you do anything else. I am suffering, too, and we can get through this together.

I know my ex will contact me at some point --- he has to, because he has items in storage in a shed behind my house, and he has the key (even though we are supposed to leaving the key in a neutral location so we can share it). He conveniently forgets to put it back. Last Monday, he called at 2:56 and said "This is your friend. I'm on this side of town and need a place to spend the night. I don't expect anything." WHat the hell? The friend comment, which he said sarcastically (because he thought I was ignoring his call), was because I had told him on the day before that no matter what, he was my friend and I loved him. I wasn't home, so I didn't see him (because you know I would have let him come over and sleep with me, cause I'm a sucker and I miss him and the sex BAD). Anyway, he actually went on over to the house, saw that I wasn't there, and took the damn storage key off the table. Not a word since. I wrote a letter, but he hasn't written back. Lord, the anxiety is so hard --- knowing he will call or come by or write eventually, and wanting to know what he will say. I know he misses me; he has to. And today I am wanting to see him, badly. Just to go over and see him at work and hug him. It seems like it would make me feel better. But I am fighting it so far. No promises. The point is, I don't need the key that bad --- I could certainly use it, since I'm trying to put some stuff in storage and considering moving away, but I don't need it so bad that it can't wait. Somebody else on the forum recommended I just get a locksmith, cut the lock, and get a new key (and once again, put it in a neutral place and hope he gets the message). For now, I'm not doing anything since I've been crying and am not in good shape.

That from your photo, you are beautiful. I am so glad that you decided to say "yes" to life and hold on to see what happens next. I have been up and down myself for the past month (mostly down) and thought I wanted to die sometimes, too --- or rather, that I didn't want to live in this loneliness and pain. It isn't really the same thing. I love life; I just want to get rid of the agony that seems to go along with it. Anyway, so you were thinking of moving away, but you stayed? I'm still in the thinking of moving away stage --- packing stage, actually. I've taken stuff off the walls and packed a bunch of boxes of my books, etc. as if I am going somewhere, when I can't even leave here until May no matter what. (I'm a teacher, and I can't leave the school in the middle of a semester.) What made you stay? I don't want to be here and have to run into my ex with someone else. I know it's cowardly, and drama-queenish, but it's the rather pathetic truth. I'd rather just not be in the same city. By the way, my ex called me at 2:56 a.m. last Monday, wanting to spend the night (but he "didn't expect anything.") Whatever. I wasn't home, so I didn't get the message until the next morning. I wrote him a letter, but he hasn't responded.](*,)

This sounds weird, I know. But I've just read about it in The Art and Practice of Loving, and I'm going to try it. "In your mind, change the circumstances from what ACTUALLY happened to what might IDEALLY have happened. Based on your compassion for her, imagine her behaving in the best way possible, in a way that would have really worked, that would have caused what your compassion tells you she would have wanted if she had been open and loving instead of closed and fearful... Let her express that love now, in your imagination. Play with it, visualize it in its many details. Taste it, smell it, feel it, see it. Write it out in your journal. Then, whever the ACTUAL incident comes to mind, put your rewritten incidence up alongside it. Have compassion for your ex's inability to create the ideal alternative. Dwell on the alternative instead of the ACTUAL event. Credit the person with good intentions, with wanting the loving alternative, but with having failed to find the way." This practice is prefaced with a quote by Buddha, "Truth is that which works." I think the whole point is to allow your mind the bliss of that experience you wanted, and then to have compassion for your ex and realize that she just couldn't get where you are, and that both you and she have a lot to learn about love. It's not to deceive yourself or make yourself more depressed by comparing what you wanted to happen to what actually happened. It is, I think, ultimately about letting go of the fantasy, which you can't really let go until you name it clearly.

I am so sorry for your pain, and I am sharing it. I've got a pit in my stomach and a wave of sorrow right now, too, and I long to call my ex and say, "I need you --- please come." Instead, I grab a book that I am keeping nearby right now called The Art and Practice of Loving. It seems to help my mind re-center and approach the whole of life with a yes instead of a why. I am glad that the previous message reminded you that the dumper hurts also, in his or her own way. That is one of the things the book explains. The one who hurt us --- the one we miss so much --- has his or her own "hopes and fears, securities and insecurities, blessings and handicaps, sensitivities and insensitivities, goals, joys, and sadnesses... Be sure to appreciate those qualities in him (her) that you like. See that his (her) behavior, however obnoxious, was fully human... Compassion does not mean giving up your knowledge that your lover hurt you. All you give up is the dramatic dwelling on how wrong his (her) actions were. Compassion means you interpret his (her) behavior in light of a broad understanding of his humanness, of how humans tend to hurt and disappoint others. You can understand how natural it was for this particular person to behave hurtfully. Unfortunately, you happened to be in his (her) way when he did it." I guess what I'm trying to say is that in trying to find ways to manage my pain, one thing that comforts me a little is to think of my ex with compassion and to constantly send him love and hopes for a happy future with or without me. I am here to talk if you need to. I know how hard it is.

which is nice, but you've still apparently not heard some things I've said. #1, I have not been with R. on a regular basis for over two years. He has carried on with his life --- he does not call me, chase me, beg to see me, ask what I'm doing, etc. He e-mails me occasionally, and once over the summer we met for a weekend (against my better judgment, because I was afraid of giving him hope and hurting him again.) So he has given me plenty of time to miss him, and miss him I do. Missing him and appreciating him don't necessarily mean that I am going to run back --- but if you knew how much I talk about him to other people, you'd believe that I do in fact miss him. There have been times when we haven't talked for months. #2 It's not true that I want P. because I can't have him. I wanted him very much when I did have him --- I've wanted him since day 1, and the whole time when we were together. I don't have any problem being faithful to him, and I haven't had trouble being faithful in every relationship I've had. You are implying that I have intimacy and commitment issues with every man, which is simply not true. It is true with this one fellow, however --- R. Again, when I said that about possibly trying to make a real go of it with him if my life doesn't change in the next three months, I'm not "stringing" him along. I haven't asked him to wait for me or suggested in any way that I might be coming back to him. I'm just saying to YOU and to the other people here that I am considering it. In the meantime, he may find Ms. Right and it won't be an option. What I'm trying to do is survive --- and let me tell you, I've been on the low end of my mental health lately. What I want you and other people who are missing an ex to understand is that we are not evil people who "want what we can't have" and are out to manipulate and use everybody else. We are trying to get the love we need and to give it back ---- just like you. I hope your situation works out and you are happy again one day. I remember a line from a Paul Newman movie when his character's son says to him about his ex-wife, "Mom's afraid that you've had a happy life." He replies, "Tell her not to worry." It made me chuckle, but of course it rang true. When you think your ex is off having a great time and not having a care in the world, you're probably wrong. She has tremendous regrets and shame and disappointment and longs to be right with herself and with the world. If she's cruel to you, that's another thing altogether. Cruelty is the worst vice, I think. I do sincerely wish you the best and I'll take into consideration what you've said.

Well, I've starting reading Dr. Wayne Dyer's book "You'll See it When You Believe It" and continued to write in my journal and exercise and go out to socialize at least for a little while each day. I couldn't pay my phone bill, so now my phone won't be in service for at least the next 8 days --- I guess NC won't be a problem. Of course, my ex could call me at work or come by, but will he? Never mind that. I'm about to go to lunch with a friend and then head back home to put on the sweats and go for the daily run/walk. I think I mentioned earlier that since my ex abandoned me, I've been thinking strongly about moving back to my home state. Well, I've been slowly moving in that direction, packing up my books, taking art off the wall, and slowly depersonalizing my environment so to disconnect with the idea of this being "home." I think I want everything to be ready to go except for the bare minimum I need to survive so that when the time comes, I can just load up the u-haul and go. The weird thing is that I can't possibly go until May, so why am I doing this now? Logically, it doesn't make much sense, but emotionally it seems to work for me right now. It gives me a packing up and shutting down opportunity --- a virtual closing off from my ex and from the happiness we've had here. But it sure does look weird, coming in the door to my place and looking at empty walls and boxes full of my stuff. Am I going crazy? Just 8 more days until I see the doc and get an anti-depressant and whatever else I need to get my steady. In the meantime, it's oddly satisfying to pack up my stuff. I'm even ready to give up/away all my videos, cd's, books, etc. Clean the slate and start completely over.

Lonelyfish, I understand what you mean about your ex being so different; mine is acting like a different person altogether, and it's so weird. I've been on NC since Monday, but for the last few weeks before that, when I was trying to figure out what went wrong and trying to save the relationship, he had become ice man. He pretended as if he had never in any way "led me on," as he put it, even though he had talked about building a cabin with an extra room so that my daughter would have a place to stay when she visited, and he had asked me if I thought I could spend the rest of my life with him, etc. This person who was for four months generally sensitive, compassionate, and open has become like a stranger to me --- he even went back to referring to me as his "company" on the phone to his son, when normally he would say my name. I know all of this sounds like there is somebody else, and there probably is --- but still, it blows my mind that he could so suddenly turn off his feelings. Then again, he must not have turned them off entirely because he has twice called me since the break-up, in the middle of the night, (drunk) and wanting to come over. Both times I didn't hear the phone and so didn't answer until the next morning. The first time, I went over there and spent the day with him, but since he has been so cold since then, when he called this last time, I just left him a note on his truck that said I was sorry I had missed his call and if he wanted to get together sometime, call me. Whoever he's seeing wouldn't be too happy about him wanting to spend the night with me, huh? But then again maybe their relationship hasn't gotten sexual yet. Whatever. WHy am I spending time even thinking about this today? I'm on NC, and that's the direction I'm going in. Sorry to ramble.

Because I also don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, and it's looking that way. I'm 40. R. loves me and in many ways would make me happy, and being with me apparently makes him perfectly happy. So at least one of us would be in a good situation. My biggest fear: that I would stay with him for a while and then I'd leave him and hurt him all over again. Then again, he doesn't seem to be moving on anyway. It's been three years. The ironic thing: R. is a much better lover, on the whole, than the one I'm currently stuck on. It's not about the act of sex, you see -- it's about my captivation with the person, it's about the eye contact; it's about the desire when we are not together; it's about being alike. And the current ex, P. and I are very much alike, which is probably why he left me. Whew. Where's the nearest convent? I need to give this up.

Kate, I've had NC since Monday, and I've been doing fairly well --- fewer of the anxiety attacks and a level of depression that is mostly manageable. I'm going to see the doc on January 30 and get on some meds to help with the depression and insomnia, which have been an ongoing problem long before the break-up with this ex. I was happier during our four months together than I have been in many years, and I guess that's the hardest thing to take --- going back to the lonely misery. Anyway, you're probably right, and I am doing some of the things you've suggested. I've been running/walking about 4 miles each day, and I've been reading a lot of good books and spending some time with a (girl) friend who has introduced me to a new friend --- not a possible love interest, but a man who is older and wise and reassuring and has lots of good advice to give about what a good man really wants from a woman. I also come into work even when I'm off and just check my e-mail and piddle around a little around the office. The biggest temptation I'm dealing with right now is wanting to call a fellow who likes me and will spend all the time with me that I want, but whom I know I will never be serious about. I don't want to lead him on, but I also am about to go crazy being alone and missing physical closeness. I ran into this fellow's mother recently, and she said he doesn't have anybody in his life and would love to hear from me. It's been about six months since I've seen him. I guess if I do contact him I'll just tell him up front what's been happening in my life, and let him know that if he wants to spend some time together, we can, but he should know that this isn't long term. The fact is, if my situation doesn't radically improve in the next three months, I'm leaving town --- leaving the state, and going back to my home state, where I at least have some friends and will be closer to my family. I don't want to stick around this town and have to run into my ex out with somebody else. Man, I am whining so much I can't stand myself. Please give me an update and what YOU've been doing. It's got to be more interesting.

Since I have been invited back to the forum by a thoughtful member, I would like to respond to a few of the reasonable questions that I would have been glad to answer anyway. Why haven't I gone back to my ex #1, R. ( the one who wants me back)? Because of a couple of problems in my own head --- First, (and I'm embarrassed to admit this) is that there is a certain lack of chemistry that worries me --- to put it bluntly, he's not so sexually attractive to me, however cold that sounds. Don't get me wrong; the sex was satisfying, once we got going --- this guy is a good lover, but my mind drifted, I thought of someone else, and I couldn't ever seem to give my heart to this guy fully, and I suspect it was because there was something wrong with the basic chemistry or BECAUSE THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. I worried that I might eventually be unfaithful. Normally, when I am in love, I can't take my eyes off my fellow. I like to "study" his face and watch him when we are being intimate, etc. I couldn't do it with R. Problem #2: R. is a recovering alcoholic, so he can't go to bars or drink, and I like to do both. I like to socialize very much, and I get extremely restless sitting around at home. That's it. Those two seemingly silly and selfish things keep me away from what is probably the most wonderful man I know and may ever know. Something to think about: I NEVER COMMITTED TO R. NEVER. AND I HAVE TRIED TO CUT OFF CONTACT WITH HIM COMPLETELY ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION. I HAVE SUGGESTED HE DATE OTHER PEOPLE MANY TIMES. HE JUST WOULDN'T DO IT. I HAVE NEVER felt "smug" about his feelings for me. And if he found someone else, yes, I would be sorry that I lost him, but I would realize that it was something in me that kept me from doing it. Would I try to get him back. I don't know, and that's the honest answer. My whole point to Photomo was this: if R. wanted to guarantee that there would NEVER be a chance with me again, the one thing he could have done to make that a certainty would have been to act like a jerk and ignore my feelings. So if that's what you want to do, then don't send cards, don't send love, don't do anything positive at all --- be a jerk, and IF she's a woman who happens to share my personality, you can guarantee she will never look back and give you a second thought. And now I've got my own (new) ex on my mind, too. Ex #2 is the one I want because we like to do the same things, the chemistry is perfect, and I don't ever feel restless when I'm with him or worry that I might be unfaithful. So there you have it. Either way, I'm alone, because my ex #2 left me about three weeks ago, and I have had NC since Monday of this week. It's a miserable situation, and you know what? I've promised myself not to do anything for three months --- no new relationships, no running back to Ex #1to make me feel better, etc. But in May, if nothing has changed and I'm still desperately unhappy, I'm probably moving in with Ex #1 and giving it a serious try for the first time. Am I a confused woman who has sometimes hurt the one who loves me? Okay, I'll give you that. But don't accuse me of not thinking it through and not caring. I've probably given this more thought over the past three years than I have about anything else. I've wanted to change and make myself the right one for R. because he doesn't deserve anything less that 100% commitment.

I've been following the principles in that book, which I think it actually quite good for someone who has been rejected, whether or not you ever get your lover back --- it helps you get to a place where you are healthy again and to where you can love 100%. Also, the author does tell you it might take months --- I'd expect a minimum of two months before you even see any significant changes. So maybe you gave up too soon. Of course, it's your business, and I don't mean to tell you what to do or what you should have done. Just throwing in my take on that particular book.

I'll do that. It's another way of balancing the power a little bit. Thanks for your advice.

I'm not going to write in the same offensive tone you have written in toward me; believe what you want. I did write honestly about my feelings for my ex, and I thought that was the purpose of this forum --- not to attack what other people say as untrue. I will excuse myself from this forum, and I feel sorry for anyone who is listening to advice from people who claim to know everything. If you did, you wouldn't be on this forum. Goodbye and good luck to all of you.

... But I think it might really touch your ex if she gets a card from you that just says you're thinking of her and doesn't ask for anything. An ex of mine who wants me back sends me notes like that, occasionally, and they really do touch me. The other day I actually cried when I got an e-mail that just said, "I miss you, beauty, and your silly crack feet." Now, that sounds crazy to you, but he used to joke that I moved my feet a lot when I was sleeping, and apparently people on crack do that, too --- I wouldn't know. Anyway, the point is he loved me the way I was, with my silly ways and flaws. Another time he wrote, "This morning I mowed greens weeping." (He works as a groundsman at a golf club). He wept because he had lost me. You get the idea. He doesn't write much, but what he writes is so powerful and real that it makes me realize how amazing he is. In case you're wondering, yes, I do think about going back to him. I haven't decided because there has been a lot of water under the bridge since then. But it's pretty hard to resist beautiful, kind, and loving words from a beautiful, kind, and loving person who knows you and accepts you. He doesn't call me, track me down, beg for my attention, etc. He just lets me know that I am loved and missed. When I asked him recently if he had met anyone or fallen in love, he wrote back, "I don't see love anywhere in sight. She moved to South Carolina like a brave little soldier." He knew that it took tremendous courage for me to move away, so he commented on that. So --- hey --- do what you want. It might make her day, especially if she doesn't get a Valentine from any of the machos she's hoping to hear from.

Kate, I can get another guy. But I'm 40, and I'm tired of giving up and moving on to yet another guy who does the same crap. I'm thinking that it's too late for that at this point; I've got to figure out what really went wrong and learn to repair the relationship I've got instead of tossing it out the door. Then again, this isn't a relationship at this point, is it? Whew, I'm tired of the whole thing. I think I'll take a little break from thinking about it. I'm glad you're there to give me a kick in the pants when I need it.