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curlygirl47

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  1. curlygirl47
    I went by the ex's workplace and dropped off money for the landlord and gave the ex three roses; he loved them. He asked if we could get together tomorrow night, and then he also said that he might be able to go to Alabama with me next weekend! I'll be so happy if he does! A whole weekend together for the first time in over a month. Okay --- now it's time to get busy with work and forget the ex for a while. He's not the center of the universe!!!
  2. curlygirl47
    You're right, and I was tempted to say that (you know, I'd be happy to be at home with you instead of going out), but I held back because as you said, he knows that. Last night he called and told me what he and T. (his son) were doing, and then he said, "I'll call you, but stay in touch, okay?" The casualness of it made me mad, and it hurt me, but there's nothing to do but accept it. I am going by his office today to drop off some money for my landlord, who is also his boss, and I'm going to take him a rose or two from a bouquet I have a work. I'm going to tell him that I've decided not to go to Alabama this weekend and instead to just bring my daughter here, so if he'd like to see her, he can give us a call. Then, I'm going back to NC, and the ball is back in his court. I am about to take a pill for my anxiety; it's maddening, but at least the doc is going to try to help me feel normal again.
  3. curlygirl47
    It is very painful to think about him (or myself) dating other people and still dating each other, but I'm not sure if its more painful than not being with him at all. I will try to make a decision about this in the next week, after I ponder it and talk it over with a counselor --- and also give my new meds a chance to kick in. Today I am very shaky.
  4. curlygirl47
    We solved the mystery of the note; we ran into two bartenders from that bar at lunch, and they said they are fairly certain it was R.'s wife having a jealous fit. P. was pensive and quiet during lunch, seemed upset that I had gone out, wanted to know what time I went out and was even more upset that I had come home at 3 a.m. I swallowed my panic, which made me want to say "Please don't be upset, etc." I allowed him to feel his discomfort and just continued being tender but direct. I was so afraid that he wasn't going to say anything about getting together soon, so I was relieved when at the last minute he said, "We have unfinished business. I hated leaving so quickly last night. Maybe this weekend we can get together, if T. goes out with his friends. (T. is his son). I told him I am planning to go to Alabama and asked if he wanted to go, but he said he couldn't make arrangements for T. He said, if you don't go to Alabama let me know. If you do, then maybe we can do something next weekend. We'll make a plan. Still, his overall mood was one of sadness, and I feel guilty even though I didn't do anything. By the way, after lunch, I went home to take a nap before coming back to work, and when I got back, he had called. But he's already left work, so I can't call him back there. I did leave a message on his cell phone. I wonder what's up?
  5. curlygirl47
    I'm going to go outside and take a deep breath and try to calm down. I'll check back in with you after lunch.
  6. curlygirl47
    I'll definitely see if I can get my hands on those tunes. Now, I've got to get a grip before lunch. Help me. I look pretty good today, nice dress, but I'm shaky as a leaf and I have a headache. I'm wanting to say "I'm not dating anybody but you and I don't want to, and I wish we could just go back to being happy together" --- but I don't think this is the time to say that. I need at least a week to think about what I'm willing to do in this relationship. I need a Xanax. This is ridiculous ---my hands are shaking so bad.
  7. curlygirl47
    Oh, and P. said he's 99% sure the note had nothing to do with the crazy guy. You asked about that situation. It had to do with an old feud between the two of them, and recently it came to blows. P. beat the guy up pretty bad, and he threated to blow up P.'s house. That's really all I know. P. wanted to know if R. (the fellow with a wife and a girlfriend) was hitting on me (he sounded jealous). I said no, we talked about you actually --- which is the truth. He sounded kind of miserable that I was there hanging out with R. I guess we will talk about it more at lunch. Oh, why couldn't he just have stuck with me; we were so happy, and we didn't have all this crap to deal with.
  8. curlygirl47
    I called P. We're going to lunch today, but I went ahead and told him about the note. He thinks that somebody (some damn woman, he said) thinks you're still dating me and she's caught you doing something you shouldn't be doing, and she's going to run and tell me. He said I shouldn't worry about it, but that it was extremely low class and he would like to find out who it is. He also said he hears things about me all the time, but he never says anything because he doesn't have the right to. Now, I don't do anything but go out and have a few drinks and dance a little. I haven't been with anybody but him! I haven't even been on a date! Why on earth are people doing this? God, I hate small towns sometimes.
  9. curlygirl47
    It also startles me because I never never get treated this way --- called names, etc. And I don't know what to do except stay away from that bar. Maybe P. will have an idea or can find out what was going on.
  10. curlygirl47
    P.S. You asked about the guy and his girlfriend. He actually has a wife and a girlfriend, but I doubt seriously they were anywhere in sight --- unless someone called and told one or the other this fellow and I were sitting together and talking. He's a friend of P.'s and that's mostly all we talked about, but we did dance together. But the note is strange and threatening. It didn't say you better leave my man alone, or anything like that, you know?
  11. curlygirl47
    I'm so glad you are there today. I'm so shaky and miserable right now despite having had a wonderful time last night. Part of the problem is I drank a lot during the date and then again later in the night, and so some of this is physical. But I'm also just feeling extremely vulnerable. I've made an appointment with a counselor and have determined to make no decisions about anything for at least 24 hours. I do think I need to tell P. about the note because if this story isn't confusing enough already, he has an enemy who has threatened to blow up his house --- apparently the guy is crazy. I guess it's possible, but a long shot, that that guy is somehow related to the note last night. But I don't know. There were very few people at the bar last night --- I'd say less than ten. Nobody shot me dirty looks or anything, so I'm not certain this person even came in the bar. My car has a tag with my name on it, on the front. This is the same bar, by the way, where P. beat the crazy guy up about a month ago.
  12. curlygirl47
    Well, the date was nice; we talked a lot, and he said he missed hearing me sing, which was sweet. We drank a good bit before, during, and after dinner, and he came home with me. But he didn't spend the night; he had to pick up his son. At the time, of course, it all felt wonderful. He asked me if I wanted to go out again, and he said we should go away to the North Georgia mountains for a weekend in a cabin sometime, and he asked me if I would still help him decorate his new house when he gets it built ("Even if you're married, he said --- which hurt. But I just smiled. Then he said, "Your * * * better not get married.") We might be going to lunch today. I'm emotionally raw, and I don't like the way this feels. However, I'm not going to make any decisions about whether I can see him on this casual, "seeing other people" basis, for at least a week. I'm in no condition to make a firm decision at the moment. It's the seeing other people part that bothers me, but you all know that. Blaise Harris says if you want your ex back you shouldn't make ultimatums or demand that he stop seeing other people. I thought I could do it, but today I feel as if I am going to be ill. And of course, if I see other people, I will be thinking of him. Side note: After he left my house, it was still early, and I couldn't sleep, so I ended up going out at 11 p.m. and hanging out with friends at a local bar until 3. When I went out to my car, there was an ugly note on the windshield. ("You're busted, * * * * *"). It made me upset. I know my ex would never do anything like that, so it makes me think maybe it's another woman he's been seeing. I don't know whether to say anything about it. It could be that it was totally unrelated to him, and maybe it was from the girlfriend of one of the guys I was hanging out with last night. But there was nothing going on other than talking and dancing, and I went home alone. What do you guys think?
  13. curlygirl47
    Thanks. I bought myself roses today: pink and white and red, the miniature kind. And a new outfit to wear tonight. It made me happy. I'll fill you in tomorrow on how the date with my ex went.
  14. curlygirl47
    Okay --- well, the first thing my ex said is "It's good to hear your voice" and "How are you doing?" I said I was doing fine and didn't ask how he was doing (instead I just said, "How are things at X? His place of business.) He said that he had heard that I had been out walking a good bit (his mother saw me; she lives near me), and that he and his mother were concerned that I was walking on a road that isn't very safe. I told him it was fine, and that I enjoyed that particular walk, as it was almost four miles to the end of the road and back, and that the shoulder was wide. He said, tenderly, "My shoulders are wide, too." (grrr) and I said, "Are they? Well, I wouldn't know. I haven't seen them in a while." (This was a stupid thing to say on my part, but please! "My shoulders are wide, too?" What the hell?) Anyway, we made small talk, he asked how my parents and my daughter are, etc. and I told him I was going for my physical today, blah blah. Then he said, "Well, I really just wanted to talk to you and see how things were going --- and um, I've made an appointment with the doctor in Aiken tomorrow. I was hoping you might ride with me." (Now, here's where it gets interesting. ) We've been on these trips to Aiken regularly while we were dating, and we always went out to dinner and had a wonderful time and went home and carried on, if you know what I mean; AND when I wrote him the letter two weeks ago, I ended it by saying, "Right now I'm remembering our last trip to Aiken, how lovely it was, and the good love we made," and signing my name. That was our last contact. So isn't it interesting that he has invited me for another one of these trips? I find it very encouraging and tender. On the other hand, I'm going to just try to enjoy the day and not have a lot of expectations. I ended the conversation with, "Okay, you can just pick me up after work. See you tomorrow." By the way, the doc has fixed me up with an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety medication that is supposed to help me sleep, so maybe I'm on my way to feeling better all the way around. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.
  15. curlygirl47
    Great idea! I was at that concert, and there were powerful moments between Nicks and Buckingham.
  16. curlygirl47
    Wow. I'm surprised at the differences between people's opinions about exes. I, for instance, would rather go back to an ex and figure out what went wrong and fix it than to start yet another new relationship. I like the familiarity of an old love. I would go back right now to some of the relationships I had even many years ago, and try again, given the opportunity.
  17. curlygirl47
    From what I've read in How to Get Your Lover Back (Blaise Harris) and from The Art and Practice of Loving (Frank Andrews), one very important thing to remember when laying out your feelings is to be clear, direct, and brief, and to be prepared to accept whatever response you are given and to acknowledge it. For instance, if she says, I am just too confused right now, you say, I understand how you feel and I will be here if you need me. Don't overdo it, and keep a "yes" in your head toward the whole situation, if you know what I mean. Harris calls this "not resenting the task that you have undertaken." "The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure." Joseph Campbell
  18. curlygirl47
    I am waiting until Monday to call him back, so that I can call him at work and be sure not to put myself in the very vulnerable position of interrupting him if he is with someone else, etc. That would make me feel horrible and make him feel either smug or awkward, neither of which would do me any good. His message was on my work phone, by the way, probably because my cell phone has been out of service for 9/10 days. My approach, when I call tomorrow: Smile at him (which he'll hear though not see). Speak with love in my voice and confidence in myself. Aim for a positive influence. Relax. End the conversation first. (This will be the hardest part for me!)
  19. curlygirl47
    Kate and Blues, P. just called and left a message for me to call him back. I am going to get my emotions under control before I call. I'd appreciate your prayers or good wishes or vibes or whatever you can send forth.
  20. curlygirl47
    This is good advice. I was in a similar position. My fellow's ex-wife came crying and begging and showing up when we were together (when she lost HER boyfriend), and my fellow pulled back and then finally broke off with me --- he was feeling overwhelmed by the whole situation: his feelings for me and mine for him, his guilt about his ex and their son, everything. I was deeply hurt (and I'm still hurting), and we haven't talked for 12 days, but I've been very understanding and didn't do any begging etc. I wrote one letter and let him know that I was here if he wanted or needed me and that I was fine. Today he left a message for me to call him back. I am trying to get my emotions under control before I call him back, and I don't know how this will turn out, but I guess I just wanted to say I agree that backing off is your best move. Blaise Harris, PhD, author of How to Get Your Lover Back calls this the Loving Take-Away, and says it should be a gentle act, but it speeds up the chance of your lover coming back and it also restores balance.
  21. curlygirl47
    Your words bring back a memory from a long time ago, when I was still struggling to get over my first love, which took five years. I said to my long-time high school friend, "When will I ever get over this?" and she said, "When you realize you don't need him." Reward came at our 10 year reunion when he clearly demonstrated very strong feelings for me even after all those years. He said, "I did love you; I guess I always will."
  22. curlygirl47
    I've been saying the same things lately. I won't date again, etc. But today I read this in The Art and Practice of Loving: "Don't Make More Losses" One loss is enough, so be careful about creating more. It is easy to say, "What difference does it make? Things are already as bad as they can get!" But, no matter how bad things are now, they could get worse. Beware of conclusions or decisions made in the pain of loss: "I'll never trust another man." "I will never get married." Such decisions often bury themselves deep in your soul and show up later to sabotage a relationship." In other words, it may be a self-fulfilling prophecy if we keep saying these things to ourselves --- even when we decide to try again, they will have become a mantra we have to fight all the time. Why don't we try, "I can accept this loss." "I can love again." It's worth a shot.
  23. curlygirl47
    The walking thing is magical, Dako. I'm doing it, too. Usually just four miles, but one day I just kept walking. And one night, in the first week, I went running at night, in the cold, sleeveless, like a madwoman --- the wind bit, my arms turned red, my ears hurt, and I was crying, and I kept running. It was fabulous. But when I got home I had a chill and had to get into a hot bath to warm up. Still, I'm glad I did it. (I kind of wanted to develop a severe case of pneumonia, perhaps be near death in the hospital, my ex worried at my side, and be a martyr of love, but it turns out I'm pretty healthy when it comes down to a physical challenge.
  24. curlygirl47
    Skip breakfast and just meet at the park for the walk. Or just do breakfast this time, and leave the dog at home. Keep the time short, 30 minutes maybe? Let her know up front that you have only this amount of time.
  25. curlygirl47
    The comments about the dumper not realizing or allowing himself/herself to accept the significance of the loss and of his own guilt are so true. Though I always regretted hurting my husband the way I did, my feelings of remorse and the memory of his pain become more evident to me with every year --- and the memories of how good and sweet he was and of how he loved me. How he stood at the end of our bed, in the middle of our divorce, when I was in many ways unlovable, and said, "I would never have believed I could love anybody the way I love you." It's in my head, and I won't forget it. So for all of you dumpees (including myself right now), your ex will probably suffer his own pain eventually, even if you never know it.
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