frecklegirl

hello all, I am hoping everyone is finding more and more reasons to keep at this "life" deal and finding more to be grateful for....I know I am. I wanted to give those that have read my posts awhile back, an update where things are now. I have started an outpatient treatment program for alcoholism. I also have been attending AA meeetings. What I can say for sure, is things are wayyyy better than a mere 3 weeks ago. I am feeling positive, and healthier both mentally and physically. I am working out daily, not obsessing about the ex....this is huge! I believe clearing my head of all the toxins in alcohol plus starting to release all the depressing effects, have really made me realize I deserve so much more in life....and I am going after it! If anyone is struggling with any substance abuse problem, please find someone to talk to and try to get yourself to a meeting or somewhere where people that understand can help. This was the most loving thing I have ever done for myself. I have a road ahead, but I can see the sun shining through and it just feels warmer and brighter every day. take care...

Hi Guys, Thanks sooooooo much for taking the time to write to me I do need you.. I went to have an assesment today....really hard, really good, but still hard to face things you would rather not, and have spent a long time in denial over!!!! I AM going to get through this and I want to come out better on the other side. I am going to enter an out patient program, long term...lot's of tough stuff ahead, but I do not want alcohol to control parts of my life anymore. I want to know how to live and face my demons without substance clouding me and eventually destroying me and the people I love. I know there will be some bad times ahead. I still have court, trying to hide this from my job( I may actually tell them and ask for their support for a time) trying to juggle meetings, work, life etc. but I KNOW I must take control of my addiction and leave the negative things behind, including some people and some not so healthy realtionships too. I am grateful shyguy and bkjsun, for you saying I can count on you all. I feel so good knowing that. Sometimes we really need others, even though I only know you here in this forum, I am glad you are there.

If anyone out there can offer some hope, I need it today. I don't think I am feeling sorry for myself, but I guess I am because I am feeling such fear this morning. After what I did and what the concequences may be. Scared for my job, my life, jail, my reputation, $$$, etc. etc. I feel like such a loser! Today I am going for an assesment at a rehab clinic. I want to commit to change. I am afraid. I should be happy to finally want to take this step, but why did I have to screw up so bad to get here??? I am crying and crying and feel like maybe I don't have enough to keep going......how do I turn this around?

Shyguy, you are absolutely not shy with words, you say it very motivatingly for me! Thank-you for saying you know I can do it. I NEED to know that too. I am happy your brother kicked his drug problem and what you say about feeling less sorry for myself and embarrased of what others think, I am going to use your story about your brother to remind ME that I too have people that love me. Sadly, I have not loved me well in the past, but I do think I can change. Actually, the posts I had were in Getting Back Together forum, I mistakenly said breaking up. Truly, the ex, makes me feel anxious and scared about acceptance. I think it allows me again to numb with booze and try to not feel why I want to be with someone that makes me feel like I am walking on eggshells. My thinking now is to go to the assesment on Mon, talk to my work and take a leave, to deal with this head-on! I have anxiety totally about the jail possibility. All the fines I will have and the record. Will I still have a job? I hope so and think my HR people at work will try to help. I plan to next tell my employees that I am going to treatment to explain the leave. I think I respect them enough not to lie. It is so hard and I feel so alone....really alone.Scared ALONE! But, I HAVE to find the strentgh to find the way to a better life and out of this blackness. Please know I am so grateful you have taken the time to write back. I need the words of advice and any thoughts you have help. take care~

Hi Sandorfalot, I am certainly no expert at all, especially in what you are dealing with...I have never been medicated (maybe should have been!) at least not with prescription drugs, but I sure "self-medicate" with alcohol....sucks, because I am on my 2nd DUI and am finally seeking treatment for the way I handle life! You sound like a very smart, insightful, woman. I agree with the other poster, you CAN do this. Start seaching for ways that feel good to you!!!! Dont' believe some of your drs. advice in the fact that "you can't do it" because people do amazing things, and I have a feeling with the support you seek, you WILL find the key out of the box.....I too have to believe in ME..........please believe in YOU too....take care.

Thak-you all. Shyguy, thanks for reminding me about not feeling sorry for myself, but to improve me.....it is hard. I am so scared I am going to go to jail,!!! I hired an attorney and hope that I will change for the better soon. I called a councelor this morning and talked for about an hour. I have a problem I have never admitted. I am an alcoholic and incredibly ashamed of it. I feel I am weak, and that if people knew they would hate me. If I told the man (ex b/f) I am still in love with, he would yell at me that I am nothing but a F***in drunk! I feel I deserve this and that is why I have probably been on enotalone in the breaking up forum for so long talking about him!!! I know my problem is bigger than him. I am an addict that feels worthless inside. I talked to my kids this morning about me going to a rehab clinic even if it was for a while, they both said they would be proud of me......hhow do I deserve their love? I don't want to die, but it feels so hard to live inside me right now. Words of advice I am all open too. I feel lower than I have ever felt and scared of what could happen. I need to attack this head on, but am afraid of failing!!!@

I have never even remotly wanted to die, but today I seriously felt it would be better. I got a DUI last night. This is my 2nd on in less than 6 months. I am scared to death and feel that I cannot beat this addition. I am a Mother and hold a good job, I fear I will lose everything. Why didn't I change my behavior after the 1st DUI??? Why????/Why?? I feel like I must be crazy. People don't make the choices I do. I have wrecked my car and will have to hire an attorney and more money out the window. I HATE ME so badly that if I had a gun last night I am not sure I would not have done it.....can anyone help me? I am going to an Alcohol treatment place next week, and had the court not ordered it, would I have gone????? Probably NOT! I am insane to live this way.

Jenny, you did have something very insightful to say. I sort-of cringed, because it must have hit a nerve.....I hate fear and I think it has me. I want out of this place. thanks

Mun, you are right....I think we all know that this comes from my place in me....I really wish I could find the key to unlock me..in other words, where does this view of myself come from? I know others have found the way out and I do want to. Today after the rejection of yesterday, I want him to call, but then again I only want it to feel less bad about myself, not so we will be together! See how messed up this is? I think I need to change the message to myself as you have suggested. Maybe the repetion of deserving more will start to sink in. In the meantime, I want to not feel anxious or sad that he is hating me.

Okay gang......I always hate to be told I can't do something...but alas, looks pretty true eh? Regarding willpower, no, I seem to whitewash, deny everything in order to live with myself and believe he is not what he is! I can't be this anymore...I have never been a doormat, it embarrasses me to ME! I hate that he knows he has me because when we were together, in bed, so close, these thoughts never existed. he always says that he wishes we would have really broken up...well, yes, now I see why..It is not because we have this huge love I want to believe in, it is because we are unable to truly move on due to our own "issues" at least I feel that way about me. Funny, when he called and was so close by, I did not want him to come get me.........I do and don't! All I saw flashing before my eyes, was what to do now???? I do not want to be in her car, I can't respect this guy and bigger than that..........I would not respect me. So my question, why my tears??????????

Actually, he and I were together 4 years.....no, he only sleeps with the live in...yes, I feel disgusted saying that....not worried about STD's, he needs her so would not risk it...takes a shower so nothing left of me perfume, etc. to be detected....It is so much more than sex to me....he and I have never been able to truly let go and I always feel we should be together somehow, even with all of this. Can't be a doormat anymore however......

Lady Bugg, I was kinda wondering who would say it! I know, it sucks, I am stuck in the vicious pull of my own choice! Damn, I can't figure it out, I really can't....why would someone like me, career, good reputation, etc. allow a man to "browbeat" her??? That is me....as soon as he started to get irritated about my not being able to leave, I got all anxious and panic feeling. It is like doing exactly what you hate, but still feel those feelings. My friend told me today "anybody else and you would tell them F***off, but with him........I always feel I have done something to disappoint him and that makes me start the cycle all over again.. I don't blame you for being done advising me....I still need this forum for my venting I guess.

Okay, yes I am the classic "Einstein insanity analogy"!!! He calls today, after I broke down and emailed....so, he says he is running errands. We say goodbye. He calls and says when can you leave? I say not sure, he says I will be there in 30min. be ready, half joking. I had not planned for him to be here today and had alot to do, could not leave at the moment he wanted. When he got here, he calls, I say I can't leave. Earlier I said I wanted to leave early, but was not sure,in my job you never know! So, when I say I can't leave he gets mad and says forget it! Tells me how frustrated he is for wasting 2 hours....I NEVER knew he was coming!!! What to think?

GreatGuy, I love your perspective. I too agree if we would have learned early on that we have the capacity to love more that "one" in our lifetime, whew, I would probably have moved on long ago and be ENJOYING the moment with another wonderful person! Damn,I am really going to think about this today. If helps to know it is okay for things to end, no matter how much we feel it may be wrong, it is really the cycle of life and if we look at it differently, it is actually exciting to think we may be even happier the next time Curlygirl, I think your outlook and your spitual view is beautiful. We need to BELIEVE that during our time here we should be finding happiness, not the pain we ( at least I do) keep allowing to invade us...........let it go, let it go, in love. Honestly waking up this morning to your post greatguy has given me a nice, start to my day....thanks for sharing. Curlygirl, have a wonderful Saturday, and I know you may not be around your computer until you are back at work, so here is sending you positive ))))))hugs((((((( and hoping your weekend was wonderful.

Yes, justlookin' you're right, if I truly wanted to never talk or see him again I guess I would just never answer, or "happen" to be home when I know his routine. I am guilty of not being over him or us. Love is powerful and perhaps I do not understand it and perhaps I have never had pure love from a man in my life. I want to be able to recognize it and catch it when it appears. Like Mun says, a good man may be there, when this one is not in his space. thanks.........