curlygirl47

I'm losing weight, too --- just not much appetite, and my ex saw me in a new dress the other day and told me again what a beautiful lady I am. What's better, though, is when I feel good about myself. I am trying to make that happen. What my ex did to hurt me has little to do with me and everything to do with him. I love that list, DiggityDave. I'm going to remember some of those suggestions.

I'm so impressed! I would have been wanting to have sex to "remind him of how wonderful we were together" --- but you held it all together and allowed everything to be just as it is. You also showed him how important he is to you without applying any pressure. Clearly, you are equally important to him, whatever his other issues may be. You showed your best self!

I'm writing in a journal every day, first thing in the morning, too, to kind of track my moods and see what might be triggering bad moments. I'm also on a new anti-depressant, since I have been having major depressive episodes and had to be under a doctor's care a few weeks ago. It's hard to separate the normal grief from the depression, but I'm happy to report that the pills helped stop the crying spells and the pit of anxiety in my stomach. They can't do much about my loneliness, though. I know that somewhere inside I have a happy self and a content inner spirit; I just have to get back to her. One of the things that bothers me is that I have been humiliated to a certain extent in this town, by the behavior of my ex and by my own willingness to take him back and to still love him. I am trying to realize that the shame is his, and that I have no cause to be ashamed of loving and forgiving. Is anyone else experiencing these kinds of feelings, if you live in a small town, like I do, or hang out with a circle of friends who know your situation? Two pieces of advice from Instant Karma: say only nice things to yourself sometimes the highest form of action is inaction I need to keep repeating that last one to myself. Doing nothing (in regard to the relationship) feels kind of good after all the struggling I've been doing since December.

I'll try to pick up a CD. I've listened to my Spanish guitar cd's so many times, and though I love them, I need a little something different now and then.

This is one of the tricky parts of healing; we want to do it right now! We're going to have to have a lot of patience with ourselves, Pikey. I have a question for you, since my Instant Karma book says "play inspiring music." What music do you all find inspiring? I've put away all my regular cd's --- they reminded me too much of the ex. I want to hear something primarily musical (not vocal, unless it doesn't involve any romantic stuff). Does anybody have a favorite?

Good morning, everybody. I've been in the trying to get back together mode for the past few months, and I've decided it's time to focus on my own healing rather than on the relationship at this point. A lot of damage has been done, and I've been hurt badly, so I want to stop looking over my shoulder and trying to put things back together by myself. I haven't given up all hope, but I want to put the hope in perspective and pursue other things that will move me forward. To jump start my efforts, I bought a little book called Instant Karma, which is basically a list of things to do to bring good fortune to yourself and to others. It's giving me good ideas and good things to think about. I'll share some with you: stop analyzing or trying to figure out other people be aware of life's possibilities have patience with all things, but chiefly with yourself see a counselor or spiritual leader if you are having great difficulties I'm about to start attending meditation classes at a nearby Buddhist temple; I am hoping this will help me stop obsessing about the broken relationship and become more centered. Good luck to all of you --- I'll be posting with updates on how I'm doing and looking forward to supporting your efforts as well.

I feel like a pony learning to walk; my legs are shaky. But I'm standing and I'm determined to go forward. I admitted to my boss today that I've been suffering from a major depression (he asked me if I had had the flu when I was out last week), and I'm glad I did because he said he has been there and asked if there was anything he could do. It's not so bad to get it out in the open. Anybody who wants to can see more of the Instant Karma list on my new thread at "Healing After a Break-up," as soon as I get it posted.

Dear friends, After a mostly miserable weekend alone, lying in the bed and thinking and suffering, I've decided I should move from the "Getting Back Together" forum to the "Healing after a Break-Up" forum. It's time I started focusing on my healing. I've dreaded this decision because I've associated it with past efforts to heal, which have each taken about 2-3 years. However, there is no getting around it, just through it. Also, I am going to keep working with the doctor(s) to get the right level of anti-depressants and sleep medication to help me through this very difficult time. There is no point in suffering all the symptoms of chronic depression along with my natural grieving. If my ex comes back (and yes, there is still hope --- he gave me quite a bit of hope on Friday, in fact), he will come back to a woman who is on her way to healing. I don't want to keep looking over my shoulder. Thank you to all of you who helped me get this far, and I wish you all happiness. My first step to healing was to buy myself a little book last night called Instant Karma. It's just a list of ways to give yourself and others good fortune. I've already started doing some of the things on the list. Also, I am going to get a newsletter from a nearby big(ger) city, and start going there on a regular basis and trying out some of the events there (concerts, meditation groups, whatever). Finally, I am going to think seriously about moving either there or somewhere else, out of this little town where everything reminds me of the ex. Here are some things from the Instant Karma list for any of you to try: Tape a positive message to the bathroom mirror, the refrigerator, and the computer monitor. For instance, "What you do today is what matters most." Create thoughts that will weaken or destroy a bad thought. Play soft music. See you on the other forum, if you cross over.

Oh --- you're going big time. I got a casual cross-word doer's puzzle, so I can feel good about myself. My class doesn't start for 2 1/2 hours, so I think I'm going to run home and take about a thirty minute nap. I'll check in later. Hope you all have a nice evening.

Your responses today mean a lot to me. I went to the women's recovery group, and my goodness, I'm actually the one whose got it together in that group --- bless their hearts, these women are mostly court-ordered to be there, some have lost or are losing their children, some are facing jail time, and some are facing both. The saddest moment today was when a woman's drug test came back positive for marijuana after 4 months clean, and she swore she had not used. Because she wouldn't admit her use, she is denied further access to the recovery group. It was painful to see, and she will be in trouble with DSS --- and she's very pregnant. I wanted to reach out to her as we left, but I didn't. Now I wish I had. I went out at lunch and bought a crossword book --- guess I'll do that tonight after teaching my class. Woo hoo! And I need to touch up my gray hairs. So, I've got a big night planned. Talk to you tomorrow. I've got to go prepare for a class on Interpreting Poetry.

So, in the conversation at the hospital I forgave him and we decided that we would date again. He said that his ex-wife knew how he felt about me and had purposefully tried to ruin everything, and he had just had a weak moment. He said that he wants a future with me and that he knew if we had stayed together, we would be married within the year and he is afraid of "f...ing up" another marriage. He wants to be sure. We immediately planned three dates: we would see each other as soon as I got out of the hospital (he would "be there" for me, he said), we would go to Alabama to see my daughter and my mother in a few weeks, and after that we would go away for a weekend to a cabin in North Georgia that I love --- I've been there before alone and with family ("go ahead and make the arrangements," he said). Here's the clincher: after I got out of the hospital, he's been AWOL and has cancelled all three of our plans because his son has baseball games, his daughter is in trouble, and he is about to have his tonsils removed --- all of which are reasonable excuses except that there is no reason to exclude me from his life entirely during these events. I've just about decided he's crazy, and I'm going back to NC. The new meds are keeping me emotionally level, so I don't have to deal with the crying spells, the shaking, etc. --- but I'm still very lonely. And now I can't go to the bars much (if at all) because I'll be tempted to drink and I can't because it makes the depression worse and because it's dangerous for me to drink on these meds. I could go and drink diet coke, but you know how that goes. I'm trying to find something else to fill the lonely hours and I'm going to counseling. I'm also going to a women's recovery group starting today. Maybe I'll get together with a few of the friends I made at the hospital. Now, please don't slam me because I'd like to keep talking to you guys here but I'm going to run if you make me feel like a total loser. I'm still fragile emotionally, and I need your support.

Warning: This is a long post. I haven't been posting for a while, so here's the scoop. For starters, I quit posting for a few days because I felt criticized for still wanting my ex and waiting for him, then some other things happened that prevented me from posting anyway. The story I'm about to tell is not a pretty one, and those of you who hate my ex will hate him more, but I still love him. Alright, bad news first: after that Wednesday when I poured my heart out and felt better about doing so, my ex slept with his ex-wife on that Saturday night. (They haven't slept together in a year and a half, but she has been pursuing him hard for the past few months.) I found out because I called and she was there at midnight, and I knew. I also went to the house, but I kept my dignity and just said that I wished them well at their efforts to get back together but that I didn't think much of him for telling me he was in love with me for all these months if he had wanted her back, and then I asked him to come and get his things the next day. He obviously felt bad, but only said that he would, and I left. The next day I actually called her and again wished them well and said that I would not try to see P. again if they were trying to work things out, for their son's sake and because I love P. and want him to be happy. In these actions, I felt I was taking the high road and not acting like somebody from Jerry Springer, which is what I really felt like doing. In any case, despite my efforts to rally from this upsetting event, I was in a very bad state. My depression has been severe these past few weeks, though I didn't tell you as much, and at that point my life became (as they say in AA, unmanageable). I couldn't sleep more than a few hours despite taking 4 Nytol and drinking about 5 Jack Daniels, and I got to where I was getting up at 5 and 6 a.m. and drinking even more. I didn't go to work for a few days, and I was a shaky mess. I finally checked myself into the hospital (it's a behavioral center, technically) on Wednesday since I clearly had a serious problem. I stayed five days, detoxed from the alcohol, got some sleep with the help of meds, got on a new anti-depressant, made some very special friends, and got a lot of emotional support from people who are having similar problems. Back up just a minute: Before I went to the hospital, P. came over and got his things and we talked. He apologized and said he didn't know what to do anymore, etc. At that point, I also didn't have any electricity at my place because I couldn't pay my bills this month. Life has been a challenge, to say the least. He offered to pay my bill, which was substantial because I was two months behind, and to put me in a hotel. He did not, however, offer for me to stay at his place. I told him I was not a charity case, and if I couldn't stay with him, he should forget about me and get on with his life. I went on to the hospital, and while I was there he visited twice, on the first visit just bringing me the teddy bear that he had given me on my birthday (I had given it back) and a book called Reflections on Love. On the second visit, we talked at length (for an hour and half), and he said that he had told his ex that he had made a mistake, that he was going to be there for me, and that he had "deep feelings for me." I have to stop here for now; I've been interrupted by a phone call. I'll finish in a bit.

link removed If you want to know how to write a sestina, or at least to understand the pattern.

Sestina from the new Garden of Eden Today I have set my feet upon a rock Where things are solid and I can see the sun glisten And I ask, if I was taken from Adam’s rib What, then, is the proper food for my soul to eat, Considering I am carved like wood Into this womanhood, and I want to run Like a long-distance runner in a marathon, I want to run Until my body becomes my own, strong as a rock, No danger from emotional termites eating into my body’s wood Until I shine, until I glisten Until they offer me food and I don’t want to eat Until I say to Adam I want to be formed from my own rib Or from the rib of a higher being, not from a man’s rib As if I emerged from masculinity, as if from that comes my energy to run Or my impulses, drives, compulsions, hungers, choices about what to eat Are based on something other than my own deepest needs, my own inner rock Which is becoming jewelized, a petrified forest log that will glisten And carry its memories of a former time when it was less glorious wood When it was primeval, raw, with few rings and it echoed, hollow wood And its center was all scent and fiber and texture and fastened to the earth like a rib And there was no light there in its middle earth, no place where the light would glisten And animals played around it, climbed it, tunneled into it, a safe place to run There was nothing human for miles, no conversation, no mental rock No desire, no eruptions, no precipitation, no plans for meals to eat Before my soul grew and stretched and changed my desire to eat Before my heart grew stubborn like wood Before night fell and sun rose and water came from the rock And the spine of my being needed no rib Because it was weightless and could slide or fly or run And angels carried it, carried me, and my soul heart spine began to glisten Oh and it was glorious, this being-in-nothingness, this one to glisten This one with an appetite for meaning, for words to eat For miles to travel, for people to touch, for distance to run For lakes to ride accross, effortlessly, like a hollow wood For sounds to break free from my spirit’s throat like whistling through a broken rib Like Sisyphus pushing to the top, without the unbearable struggle, the rock And I became free to fully understand, to breathe, to run, Glisten like a rock, seat myself in a ceremonial position to eat at the wood altar, upon which lies Adam’s rib.

Last night was a terrible ordeal. It sounds so easy to just say "wrap up the cat", etc. Oh, my god. I would just get her wrapped up and got her jaws open with my left hand, I would have to let go of her with my right hand to put the pill down her throat, and her paws would come out and she would scratch the hell out of me. We did this for about ten minutes until she finally just escaped. The good news is that she had gone hungry all day yesterday (I was hoping this might work as a back-up plan), so I completely powdered up the pill and put it in about two spoonsful of wet cat food, and that was all I gave her to eat --- and, thank the Lord, she ate it. So I guess that's my strategy; I'll have to kind of starve the little thing for ten days until we get all these pills down her. But if you could see her big * * *, you wouldn't feel too sorry for her. My daughter and I don't say she's fat in front of her, but we do spell out b-i-g. Ha! Anyway, it was her choice to be so difficult. Thanks for the laugh. I'm feeling good today! I wrote a feminist poem in a complicated French form called a sestina, if anybody wants to read it. It's called "Sestina from the New Garden of Eden."

Now I'm counting the hours. Not really. I'm just leaving class and noticed the time. I'm heading home to try yet again to get a pill down my cat's throat. This morning she scratched and bit me, and it was just impossible. She's supposed to have three a day and I've yet to get one down her. At lunch, I put it in her food and she just licked around it. My friend who has several cats says I just have to wrap her extremely tight in a blanket or something, even if it hurts her somewhat, so nothing but her neck is exposed, and then wear gloves, squeeze her jaws, force her head back, and get the job done. Wish me luck! After that ordeal, I'm going out to have a drink and play pool, I think. You guys and ladies are the greatest. I don't feel so lonely about my neurosis when you are "around". I think if you could wrap me up in a blanket, tight, and force a "get over your ex" pill down my throat, you would be happy!! I'm fighting all the way, scratching and biting and hissing, I guess.

Remember this song? I've got a song I ain't got no melody How'm I gonna sing it with my friends I've got a song I ain't got no melody How'm I gonna sing it with my friends Will it go round in circles Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky Will it go round in circles Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky I've got a lil story aint' got no moral Let the bad guy win every once in a while I've got a lil story ain't got no moral Let the bad guy win every once in a while Hee hee. You're probably right. I've almost made it through my whole first day of the new NC, though.

Okay, truth is: 1. He has a habit of clearing his throat and spitting in a loud and offensive way. 2. He has some racist qualities. 3. He's kind of paranoid. 4. He doesn't really seem interested in my things --- I mean, occasionally he'll comment on a painting I have or something, but he never explores with curiosity my little world, if you know what I mean. 5. He's not as educated as me (which is not his fault, but it does make a difference sometimes). He's extremely bright, but in different ways than me. 6. He wants to plan everything --- not small things, but big things. He said he planned his marriage for years, the birth of his son likewise. No Mr. let's get married because I love you kind of guy. I'm more impulsive. 7. He doesn't like to visit my mother in the nursing home because it "depresses him" (he used to visit his grandmother in the nursing home all the time and this brings back memories, apparently). 8. He hurt my daughter's feelings over the Christmas holidays. 9. He smokes pot and now I like smoking it with him. 10. On our first trip to visit my parents, he brought both his mother and his son. I still love him, though. I was supposed to leave that out of the rant, though. Sorry.

When I said, it's over, I've done it --- what I meant was that my act of passionate declaration is over, not that the relationship is over. I don't think we've said that at all, at least not yet. And I'm not ready to refuse contact, but I'll do my best to keep from making any, and it feels easier not to do it now that I've unloaded my heart, found out that he does in fact miss me a great deal and feels terrified because he is deeply in love. Now he knows my level of feeling for him more than ever, and because of all his insecurities and suspicions about whether anyone can really love him, I think he will feel more confident now, too. That may seem like a bad thing to some of you, but despite his bravado, this is a very insecure man who needs a lot of reassurance and trust. He was hurt very badly by his divorce; his wife was caught with another man. Anyway, I think all the pretense and saying I'm fine and the subtleties just weren't working for us. One way or the other, we'll have to be in the frying pan until we either burn up or come out smelling like something good to eat, in one piece. We're both emotional, and I think it's just going to take each of us getting to the bottom of our emotions. Two rules, though, that I'm trying to stick by: At all times honor and respect yourself, and love your ex 100%. These have helped me. Never have I begged and said don't leave me, I can't live without you, or anything that pathetic. I did say, please don't give up on us, and that's about as pathetic as I got --- well, besides the gasping choking sobs. He said I've never seen you like this. I think it shocked him into seeing the depth of my feelings. One thing's for damn sure; he now has to know that I love him. Now, I've got work to do --- lot's of it. And yes, I am listening to you. It may take a while to sink into my brain, but I'll keep what I can of what you say and apply it. Maybe this is the most vulnerable you will see me on the post. My WonderWoman alterego may arrive at any moment.

I'd say absolutely! Write her, if you can't face calling her --- in fact, writing would be better because there wouldn't be any pressure to respond. How about just saying some of the things you just wrote on your post. Keep it fairly short. It will be a kind of invitation for more talk. But I'm the wishy-washy one on this board, so take what I say with not just a grain but a whole can of Morton salt. I wish you the best.

If you're reading the different threads, you'll see that I swerved off the NC road and into a ditch last night, and yet I am strangely relieved today with just a few scratches. It wasn't the end of the world to tell all to my ex. But my point to you is that I feel the same way you do, most of the time, wandering through a meaningless life in which I can't concentrate on my work, which I normally love, and I don't look forward to anything except seeing my daughter and my parents (about once a month) and getting drunk and sleeping. Nevertheless, there are occasional good moments, and we have to live for those right now. One hint: go see something beautiful, something that takes your breath away. Paintings in a museum, an ice sculpture, a garden, a fountain, the Cirque de Soleil, something. Beauty has a way of taking you somewhere else for a time.

on Calgary's thread about Valentine contact, if you want to. I won't go into it again here, but for the record I broke NC within 2 hours of initiating it yesterday. Now, it's a new day, and here we go again, right? I'm glad you like the post. Here are a few more things to think about, from the same book (The Art and Practice of Loving): "You may learn what it is you fear, and find that it is not as bad as you thought to have someone experience you as a human being --- fallible and scared and wanting to love." "When you experience the heartwarmings of love, tell someone about it. Saying it ratifies it for you, keeps you from losing it, warms the lives of those you tell, and makes a world in which love is more valued and supported, and thus more commonly experienced. It takes determination to put messages of love out into a world that is caught up in how bad things are. But you can do it, and over time you are likely to be appreciated for doing it. After all, most people believe in loving; they just want the other fellow to begin first." These are just little pats on the back for wayward me, this morning, who basically shouted my love to the rooftops last night to the ex, but hey I am fallible and scared and wanting to love. So what the hell?

If you can bear it, take a look at my post on Calgary's thread about Valentine contact. Otherwise, you skeptics just shake your wise heads and move on. I kept my NC for about two hours yesterday before calling the ex again, seeing him last night, pouring out my heart, etc. The good news is that I felt the whole thing was cathartic and I don't think I'll need to do it again. The feeling of "should I tell him this, should I pretend that, is over. I've done it. And he wants to talk again, and admitted that he has never fallen in love like this before and just doesn't know how to handle it, and he is very jealous of other guys and can't stand the thought of anyone touching me. So much for No Contact. I'm starting over again today, but will expect a call from him as soon as he has ruminated over it all. Solo, dearest, I wasn't a brave soul --- but I feel so relieved I hope that counts for something.

I've already written this in another post (or two), so skip it if you already know ---- the ex called the night before Valentine's, wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day and saying he had something small for me "because I am a sweetheart," and then I told him I didn't want to see him anymore if he was going to date other women ... and then I left him a gift of rose petals and a Betty Boop card and an "I miss you note" anyway, because I'm crazy ... and then he ended up giving me the Valentine gift (a bear, some lotion, Hershey's kisses, in a red basket) yesterday when we had to meet about my cat. Then I went totally crazy V-Day night, got drunk and called and asked to come over. Then I swore I was back on no-contact after yesterday's casual meeting and ended up blowing that about two hours later, calling him up and saying I was having trouble letting go and I knew he was too because of the way he keeps contacting me every now and then and coming over --- and asked if we could talk. He said he would come over, and by the time he got there I was smashed again because I had gone to a bar with friends in the meantime and drank about five shots and some jack daniels, and so I just poured out my heart, cried, etc. He was alternately sweet, worried about me, suspicious I had planned this, and then admitting he has never been in love like this before and he just doesn't know how to handle it. He also said that he can't stand the thought of anybody touching me, kissing me, making love to me, etc. We made love, of course, and then he asked me not to talk about this anymore until he had told me some things. But he couldn't tell me then because he had to leave to pick his son up. So who knows what's coming? But, listen, I actually feel strangely relieved as if the whole thing was cathartic, and I won't need to do that anymore, because the whole "should I say this, should I do that, feeling is over. I did it, it's done. Now we'll see when he contacts me again. In the meantime, I have to give my cat a pill three times a day, and let me just say the first time this morning did not go over well. I was bitten and scratched and needless to say the cat did not get the pill down her throat. I have tried crushing it up and leaving it in her food, but I have my doubts as to whether she will eat it. I have to go home at lunch and try another trick or two. Isn't there a strange resemblance between the story of feeding my cat a pill and my relationship to P.? I haven't added a quote yet, but I guess right now mine would be, "Everybody plays the fool, sometime." I have scratched up arms and a scratched up heart to prove it.

Since I am trying hard to distract myself and get through the initial stages of NC, which are unbearable, I am going back to my handy book The Art & Practice of Loving. I hope this helps somebody else today who is hurting. "Loving is not a judgment you pass on the qualities of something, either now or once and for all. Loving is a way you choose to experience something, right now. You can marvel at the beauty and skill of a rattlesnake even as you evade its strike, even as you may feel obliged to kill it." "You can delight in someone or demand that someone conform to your pictures, but not both. By holding on to the pictures you will feel you are right, and people may agree about how right you are. That way you may be able to manipulate people, change them, fight them, gossip about them, make them wrong, and create all kinds of melodramas involving them. But you will not be able to love them, because there is nothing left but the gap between what you demand and how they show up." What I take from these passages are that I can remember what I love about my ex while realizing that he may be a danger to me emotionally even if he doesn't mean to --- even if it is just in his nature to "strike" when he is "threatened" (maybe just by too much intimacy or crowding of his territory). And: That I can't hold on to pictures of how I want my ex to be with me --- and alll the negative activities listed above won't help the situation any, either. I can "delight" in him and yet work on not making that my only source of delight.