pilot1ab

curlygirl, thank you...but I have tried similar things, and nothing seems to work for me. I started seeing a counselor last week, and she referred me to a shrink. I had my appt with the shrink today, and she put me on medication. I am going to follow through with all of this, but just hate myself. I have always been a strong person, and never had to rely on drugs, alcohol, or anything else. Until now!!! Now alcohol has been the only source to dull my pain, and now drugs that she prescribed are going to become necessary. I don't understand why, after 3 months now, have I not made forward progress. She isn't my first breakup. She just was the one, that I loved more than any other. Her letting go so quickly and moving on in her life, I think kills me the most. It makes me feel like what we had wasn't really that important to her. While we were together, she did love me with all her heart and soul. Was I just a stepping stone for her? Was everything just false, because what we had was what she needed at the time? When she overcame her demons, did she also let go of what we had, because she didn't need it anymore? What do you guys think? I am so tore up, still, after 3 months. I would love just one day, one 24 hour period, where I can feel happy and more myself again.

Hey suckerbut, you have reached the holy grail. I am glad for you, and reading stories like yours gives me hope that one day I might be there. I much like you, typically have had someone my whole life. My last ex, was the best and I think I will always love her. Right now, I think that the best thing is to be alone. Don't get me wrong, I want someone in my life, but I still feel that someone has to be her. Once again congrats suckerbut, reading through your previous posts, I felt every bit of your pain. Now I wait the day, when I can be where your at.

Hi, I have been trying not to post on here as much lately, but once again I need advice and encouragement. I have past the shattering pain, and now just feel this very deep sadness. I feel like a shell of a man getting through life with accomplising the bare tasks required to live. I've been going out more lately, but actually don't enjoy it at all. I have even gone a few dates, and hate to say this, but had a one night stand. She just wanted it like that also. None of this has worked to make me feel any better. I still long for what I had. Anyways, all thats neither here nor there. Just the rambling of a broken man. My point of this post is this...as I stated in previous posts, my ex was going on vacation. It has now been 18 days since we have had any contact of any sort. She comes back to work tonight. I don't know how I am going to be able to take it. Actually I am a bit scared. In 18 days, I have not received as much as a text message. She knows the state I'm in, and how much I hurt. Yet, nothing from her. This is o.k. I know I need that. I don't believe she is doing it for my best interest, but I know I need it. After 18 days of no contact, I know she will be even more colder and indifferent towards me. I know that she will have spent a lot of time travelling, and spending a lot of time with her new guy. I don't really know what to expect, or how I am going to handle working with her by my side again. I am afraid I am going to crash and be back to square 1, seeing her....seeing her so happy....seeing her on the phone with her new guy. I'd like to think that I have accepted things for what they are, and for the most part I have. I just wonder what contact with her now, will do to whatever little progress I've made. Any thoughts that you all might have on matter would be greatly appreciated.

thank you Dako, and Bkjsun. I hate making this journey!!! The rational side of my brain knows that there will be a time when I won't feel as bad as I do now. The blinded side of me, just cant see a time when I will ever be able to let go. People say that, when I have healed and better myself, someone even better than my EX will come along. I don't see this either. How can there be someone better for me, when my EX is the one with who I truly felt was the most perfect match for me. Two and a half months now, and I still can't think of any negative quality or aspect about her. I am sick of sitting around my house all day, waiting for the clock to tick by so I can go to work. At the same time, when I go out, I just feel I need to run back to my "prison". Its strange, because I feel like a prisoner wanting to taste freedom, and reconnect with society....yet when I get my freedom, I can't handle it and want to run back to my jail. Anyways, I thank you all for your support once again. If I hadn't found this site, I think I would be suffering much more than I am.

Hi, Just thought I would post an update. It is now 8 days since I have any contact with me ex. This is the longest period of time we have ever gone since our breakup. Before the breakup there wasn't a day that went by without some form of contact. After the breakup, we went 4 days during Christmas, without contact. I know she has no desire to contact me at all, and if it wasn't for our work situation, I would be nothing more than an afterthought to her. Its been 2.5 months since our breakup, and not even a month after we split she has said to me (I asked) that she doesn't think of me, our memories, or our relationship all that often. When she does, its just another thought, with no real feeling or impact. This was a woman, who showed me what love was all about. She loved me so deeply and dearly, and I was so important to her. The thing I can't understand is, how can all that just go away so quickly. I can understand the breakup, but how can she just forget all her feelings, and the strong bond we once shared. It makes me feel that everything was nothing more than a lie. I still miss her more than any words can ever describe. I am still pretty messed up, but have made a few babysteps in my healing. I eat a little bit more, just a little, although I still have trouble sleeping and she is constantly in my dreams. I caught myself smiling over something I heard on the radio the other day. I noticed that it was the first time, that it was a real smile, and not a "forced" smile. There are a few moments out of the day, where I notice my thoughts on something other than my ex. Its only a few moments, and doesn't last long, but at least it happens. I look at all these as signs of taking small steps forward. I do have to admit though that there are days (like yesterday), when I feel right back at square 1. God I miss her so much. I am very tempted to call her today. Just ask her out to get a cup of coffee, or some lunch. Just talk about things (not the relationship). I know this is a bad idea, but I miss her smile, her eyes, her laugh. I know I wont call, but the temptation is there. I don't even know if she is in town. Either way, she has a new person she is establishing something with anyways. thanks all for hearing me out. I feel that sometimes just putting out my thoughts to people who can relate, helps.

Hi all, I guess I just need to talk. In many ways I see the signs that my healing has slowly started. I now fear, yes literaly fear, my future. I know I have many more hurdles to overcome. It has been 4 days since I last had any contact with my ex. After tomorrow it will be longest we have ever gone. I guess I have to say to anyone on here who is hurting, that the no contact route is the right thing to do. As much as I miss her sweet face and smile, Not being exposed to her happy, "moving on" life, makes things somewhat better. Sometimes the unknown is better than the known. To this day I can't say anything negative about her. She was the most purest person I ever met. She deserves every blessing that comes to her. I just wish that it was me, as it was at one time. Sorry, but I just feel really sad right now, and I have to leave for work in half an hour. I pray that I can keep things together tonight. I am just so sad.

Dako I have to say, your pain makes mine feel insignificant. I cannot imagine suffering what you have. I am to weak, and would probably take the "big exit". I know you hurt, but I have to say that I look up to you. Your posts always bring a smile, and show a great deal of wisdom. Thank you. A trip to Alaska on a motorcycly sounds like a hell of a lot of fun. Maybe not now though... I feel a bit foolish today. After my last post, I got drunk and went to sleep. I slept for 24 hours straight. The next day I did the same thing. I was up for about 4-5 hours, and went to sleep. I slept most of the day, and all night. Woke up early this morning. I just want to do the same again, but I realize that this is counter productive. I can't spend my life in a coma. Those two days of constant sleeping, I dreamed non stop of my love. I miss her so much, but today I realized something. I should be very happy for her. I should be gratefull, that she is happy and content. While we were together, her happiness and fullfilment were paramount to me. There was nothing more that I wanted than to see her happy and content with her life. I would have moved mountains to make sure of this. What should change now. If I truly loved her to the bottom of my heart (which I did), then shouldn't I be gratefull if she is happy? I guess I couldn't give her what she needed for this, so I should be satisfied that she has found it. She is a beautiful person, inside and out. She has such a big heart, and cares so much for everyone around her. She doesn't have feelings for me, and doesn't love me anymore, but she is happy. That is all I ever wanted anyways. I know how much I love her. I couldn't give her what she needed, I guess. I shouldn't feel the jealousy, or yearning that I do. All I ever wanted is to make sure her smile never left her face. Toward the end of US, I failed. I wish her all the best, and I truly hope that her new life, and romance brings her everything she deserves.

I am sorry for your pain and your situation. If I can give you any comfort, then know that you are not alone. I too am in a situation where I have no one. My ex GF (its still hard to say that), basically stop being in love with me, grieved, and moved on with her life in a very short period of time (less than a month). I have been stuck yearning for her, in a place now where I have no friends...yes none, or no family anywhere nearby. She not only moved on, but also found someone new. I have to be shoulder to shoulder with her everynight at work, and seeing her so happy and content in her life, while my whole life feels like ground zero, feels like something I cannot bear. Your anger towards him is good. I wish I could feel and keep resentment towards my ex for what she put me through. I can't, and I know that is what keeps me going back to square 1 everyday. Life has become very hard for you now. I do understand, but you have to believe this...it will get better. Slowly it will. What we have to have is the patience to allow ourselves to hurt, and feel. But we must also have the patience to let the healing take its course. I struggle with this, because I just want to end this pain and the shreds that my life has become. It takes time, and effort on our parts to make it through this. I'm sorry if I am rambling, I do find it difficult these days to get my thoughts in any sort of cohesive state. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, and their are real people here making this journey with you. Continue to post.

Take care of yourself. Do whatever you need to and heal. When your ready, there will be people waiting here to hear your words of wisdom. Good luck my friend.

Today will be the last day I have see my ex, for almost 3 weeks. She is going on vacation. I should be with her In some ways I feel relief, but in others the thought of not seeing her makes me sad. She told me a few days ago, when we were talking about US, that she realizes that seeing her so happy and content, and with her new interest, is keeping me from moving on. I do agree. So she told me that she was planning on getting a new job anyways, because she can't handle the commute anymore. She was gonna wait until a month after her vacation (she had her reasons), but now as soon as she gets back she will look for a job closer to home. She told me that she thinks that we will be great friends one day, after we have gone through all of this. Right now though, we need to spend time apart. I agree. All this was said a few days ago. Today I was feeling a bit stonger. I held back my depression and my feelings, and just became somewhat of my normal self. Mostly it was forced, but I was able to do it. She actually went back to a slight former self of hers. I mean to say is that she showed me the person I fell in love with. We joked around with each other. I kept my guard up. We didn't spend much time together, but most of the time we saw each other was good. What I did notice though, was that she would be joking with me, but the minute she was talking on the phone to her new interest, she would get slightly cold to me again. I let it go. She spent most of the night calling him, and talking with him anyways. I was very confident, and aloof today, and it did feel good. I still felt all the hurt and pain that I have been feeling, but it went from a crushing feeling to a really really bad ache. I think I am starting (albeit slowly) to heal from this. What it took I think was acceptance. I know now that no matter what she will never come back. No amount of my wishing, waiting, yearning, will make it happen. Understanding this helped me to take my first step, since my life crumbled around me. I still catch myself trying to read every sign and indication in the hopes that she still "misses me", "loves me"..etc. The difference is that now when I look for any indication, that she has feelings for us, I catch my thought. I may feel joy thinking of something which isn't really there, but I am able to tell myself more of a rational answer to it. I still grieve for her though. What I wouldn't give to have her back in my life. I feel that I am starting to move forward. Yes I want her, and the way things were, back more than anything. But...I am accepting that this will never be. Acceptance.....I think that needs to be the first step for me. I am a bit disappointed though. Once we got home from work, I guess I was expecting a little bit more of a goodbye from her. She is leaving for a while, and if she lands a job, she probably wont be seeing me for a long long time. She just got out of the car as usual, and said have a good weekend. I didn't show her anything, and told her to have a good vacation and be carefull. The last thing she said to me though was, call me if you need to talk (referring to my pain). I just said O.K. I have no intentions to. I think I have accepted she isn't coming back, and now I need to grieve and move foreward. I know I will have relapses, and you'll be the first to hear about them.

Hi all, I want to thank you feelingafraid. Even through your own grief, you have the compassion to pray for me. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Its seems unfair, that a person cannot compromise and sacrafice just a little for their partners feelings. Be strong sweetie, and keep posting. It helps to know that your not alone in your suffering, and that the feelings you are having are normal. Before I found this site, I felt like a little pathetic crybaby. I was really disgusted with myself, not for grieving, but for how I was grieving. Reading through others posts, I saw many things which mirrored exactly what I was doing and going through. I didn't look down on myself quite as bad after that. I would have been in a much darker place if it wasn't for this site, and the good people who have offered me support and their hand while I have fallen. And don't feel bad about blowing steam on this thread. We are all here for each other, right? Danny I agree with this, and this is where I see my ex is making excuses. Before we had great communication. If there was anything one did which the other felt even slightly bad about, we would bring it up in a non confrontational manner. The things she is now blaming me for, she never mentioned to me, and just went about as the relationship was good. I truly didn't see the things that I started doing (I refer to the ones I give credence to). The more I think about it, the more I feel that a lot of things she is saying is to convince herself that she made the right decision. She might be feeling guilty for what has happened, and now she is trying to ease that guilt. I do hope in time, she sees things as they really were. I would hate for her to think of US as a mistake. I mean really how can one say that basically I am to blame for everything, (a horrible boyfriend) and in the same sentence say that I was the best to her. We both did wrong. I became to comfortable with our relationship. I took certain things for granted. I leaned on her to much after our move. I don't want to list her mistakes, because it doesn't really matter. I need to understand mine, and make sure I never do them again.

Dako, I envy you. I can't imagine what you have gone through, yet you keep your sense of humor. I also envy your desert hikes. I used to be stationed near Barstow, CA. I loved being in the field in the desert. aren't the sunrises, and sunsets the best. Also the peace, with only the wind blowing in your ears. I miss that, but don't miss sitting shivering in a foxhole all night, starving and cold...lol. Take care of yourself Dako.

Today was a weird day. My ex wasn't at work, so at first I actually felt ok. Then my thoughts took over, and I felt bad again. I teared up slightly on my drive home. I have accepted now, that she is gone. I guess thats what made me so sad. She was the best I could have asked for, and all her promises, all her strength...is gone. She is now distracted by all the romantic attention she is getting. Her indifference towards me is what really hurts. I have accepted that she is gone. But to feel that what we had was nothing?????? She was the one that convinced me of love. She was the one that was patient enough to kill all my bariers. She made me believe in hope and love again. I was the one that gave her strength to do the things she needed to to. I was the one that caught her every time she fell. Now all I am to her is a guilty thought. I miss her smile. I miss her touch. I would give anything to see that look in her eyes. Its not for me though. I think I will grieve for my ****, but I will never see her again. Acceptance is a hard pill to swallow. God help me, I miss her so much.

Sorry feelingafaid. I can't even begin to give you any answers or hope. The only thing I can say is don't feel pathetic. We all are human, and we have feelings. When we feel them crushed and our hopes are dashed, we suffer like there is no tomorrow. The only thing I can say is that if his behaviour was something that gave you distress and he couldn't stop it, then is he worthy of you? A relationship is a compromise, and at all times we have to think of our partner as well as ourselves. If one party deceides that their own needs have to be fullfilled, regardless of what that does to their partner....then they don't have the respect for you that you deserve. I really hope this helps. As I've said, I am the wrong person to give advice right now. I hope and pray for the day, when I can see and be able to come to this forum to help and give my own 2 cents. Unfortunately I am to blinded by my own pain. Keep posting though. There are many good people here who have much more wisdom. It really helps.

Thank you all for your responses. Last night, on our way to work, I talked to my ex about things. I didn't say anything trying to get her back, because I realize she is gone and wont come back. I still can't stop "day dreaming" though. Initially in our talks of US, she stated that there was nothing I did that caused this. It was something she went through, and that caused her to be angry with the world. At a later date, she told me things that were happening which I was the cause of. I accepted this. I reflected on all the things I did that went wrong. Last night, she put the entire blame on me. Even though she said, "Its takes two to tango...and my fault is that I didn't fight for us.", she basically put the entire blame of everything on me. I take responsibility for the things she said I started doing. But I do not take responsibility for all the things she said. She is happy and content with her life, and because of this fails to see her mistakes. Many of the things she talked of were petty. I told her. For example, one of the things she said was that I was always so tired after our move. Well hell...I work 12 hour shifts four to five days a week with a 3 hours commute. I would let her sleep for hours at work, while I covered my work and hers. Just so the love of my life could get some rest, because I knew that there were to many things she had to do at home. She doesn't even remember most of this. I also would drive whether it was her turn or mine, so she could sleep on the way home. She doesn't remember most of this. So yeah, after months of this, I got tired, and wanted just to sleep a little. Many other things she told me were petty. Not all though. Once again I do take responsibility for those things. I didn't even realize that I was doing them. Much like a lovestruck fool, I agreed with most of what she said, until this morning on our drive home. I told her of the things that I thought were petty, and that she was looking for excuses, because she wanted to be "free". Oh yeah, by the way...she told me that one thing she enjoys since our breakup is the fact that she can do whatever she wants without having to worry about her partner. Her words are this, "If I want to freak someone while dancing I can, without worrying about. Not that I've done that nor do I want to, but I have the freedom to choose. If I want to go hangout with my friends, I can without feeling bad that you aren't there." She said many other things, and I asked her...did I ever stop you or make you feel uncomforable about any of those. Didn't I encourage you. She said yes, but told me that, "you know how you never liked going out with your friends without me, and even when you did, you just missed me. Well it was the same for me, but now I can do it and not feel guilty." I asked her that if your in any relationship doesn't that hold. She told me that yes it does, and that is why she wants to be single right now. Basically I don't want to give the impression that there were not other things which bothered her. Although I truly believe that everything could have been worked through. Her fault is lack of communication. She even admits this. The things I mentioned above are just some of the petty things she stated to me. As I said before, I went from me being the most understanding, loving, caring, giving, and most wonderfull BF anyone could ask for, but her trauma made her not be able to give me what I deserve, to going to these petty issues. So now its all my fault. I was wrong in my drunken post. She does have romantic feelings for someone, but it wasn't who I thought it was. Basically she didn't want to talk about it much, but One of her ex's wayyyyy wayyyy back from high school has been talking with her everynight. She told me that she is attracted to him (not just physically), but she also told him that she want to be single right now. They talk daily, and I told her that what do you think this will lead to. She just told me that she doesn't want to talk about it because it would hurt me. I told her that I do want to know, because it would be better than what my mind would conjure up. She still refused. I left it at that. today I realize some of her faults. Yes she loved me with a passion, and showed it. I also gave her 150% of myself, but it wasn't enough. I say again, that I made mistakes. I see some of the things which I am to blame. I leaned on her to much after our move. I became a child, rather than her man. I didn't know I was doing it at the time, but now I do see it. A relationship shouldn't end because one party temporarily falters. I always caught her while she was falling, and she used to for me as well. After our move, she changed. She was and still is the greatest love of my life. She did show me more than I have ever been shown. She did feel, that I was what she had always hoped for. She wasn't strong enough to endure our hardships (which are temporary) after our move. And I took what I had for granted. This move is what killed us. In the long run I know that if we would have kept our lives the way they were, we would be planning a wedding right now. There is this gas station we stop by before we go to work, to buy sodas and snacks for our commute. This one lady at the station who always sees us, asked us last night...."Don't mean to be nosy, but our you guys BF and GF", my ex just smiled at her, and I told her no not anymore. She apologized for getting in our busines, but stated its to bad...you guys seem so perfect together. We were, but not anymore. I still miss her. I still long for what we had. Today, though, I vow to move on. I don't want anyone. I just want to heal. Forgive me if I post with a rant and rave later. I still have a deep amount of love for her. She was and still is a very caring, nurturing, and loving woman. She is also very intelligent and wise. She is confused right now, and I know now that I will never be a significant part of her life. I wished we never moved.