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Expression

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  1. I am having trouble with holding my solitary interests so devoutly. I believe that being an only child and living a sheltered life for much of formative years has caused me to entertain and occupy myself with a lot of hobbies and media on my own. I do not regret this, because they are fun, enriching and dear to me. But now I find it hard connecting with people because my personal interests have been rooted so strongly in me. And I feel like all that time, everyone else was socializing much more, thereby striking a balance between personal and group engagements. It's caused me to always feel at least somewhat annoyed/disgruntled/dissatisfied with people when they are turned off by my interests and suggestions. This just reinforces a wall between us and making me feel distant from people who I might genuinely wanna get closer to. ](*,) I wish I could be careless and nonchalant about it (like everyone else is), but I just can't, no matter how hard I try. It feels like my personal interests are much more tightly bound and prominent in me than others' interests. Because they've been such a part of me for much of life thus far, I feel very defensive and overprotective about them. It's a persistent obstacle when I'm trying to form a closer friendship with people. There is no way that I can abandon the things I love, but how can I get my mind free of my own world when I want to? And be able to suppress that frustrating depression I feel inside whenever I realise, yet another person just simply has no interest in something I really like or enjoy?
  2. I'm confused as to whether she is spending time with me because she willingly wants to, or whether she's just too afraid of upsetting me by turning me down. She has just begun her PhD year now and I haven't contacted her in any way since realising how she feels. I'd assume contact would decrease anyway, now that she is back to the intense research focus - but she is still keeping in touch with me by her own accord. This suggests to me that despite her confusion, I'm still very much a part of her life, because I still pop into her head at the end of the day. I am optimistically hoping she is just going through a phase in her life where she's unsure about a relationship and is fearful should it turn sour, she'll lose me completely (to my knowledge, she's never been with anyone before). Would getting her something for Valentine's warm her up? Or would it just scare her even more? I'd appreciate a girl's opinion on this too.
  3. Yeah, I know one shouldn't wait to long before trying to initiate a relationship, lest it falls into the friend zone. But I feel I've acted as fast as I could without it being direct. Our contact has increased exponentially only over the last few months. I didn't see her for 90% of last year, and we had met only a a few months earlier. She's not the outspoken type who'd easily bring up emotional issues, so I see the awkwardness for her because she hasn't turned me down from anything and is probably feeling guilty, because it'll mislead me. And it's probably also because I've been making more time for her and doing things I'd rarely do otherwise (which is true, but I couldn't be happier than to come out of my shell and try different things with anyone but her). So now that I know how she's feeling, I'm probably gonna reduce general contact ( She's been feeling uneasy from my spoiling her, so if I reduce this, hopefully she'll feel less guilty, but also detect my absense and come forward. This is gonna be damn hard because I like her just so much - and not just for obvious reasons. She's also filled a friend void I've had, due to most of my friends being too busy with their own things nowadays. I'm still gonna be there for her, but my enthusiasm and playfulness will probably drop now, knowing how she feels. I'm just too attracted to her as more than a friend. And we've already booked a non-refundable outdoor cinema session in a few weeks too. (Can it *get* more date-like, without it being one? Little chance of me trying to snuggle up to her now...
  4. In the last few months I have really stepped up on hanging out with this girl I really like. Prior to this, our schedules were just incompatible, but thanks to the holiday season, we've been hanging out fairly often, and as a result, have grown closer and more comfortable around each other. We have been hanging out exclusively though we haven't done anything like a couple (eg. holding hands). So it's been just a personal friendship basically. I have slowly increased my signals for liking her: gave her a gift last Christmas with a variety of things she liked, touch her shoulders casually, hit her head playfully, tickle her, etc. Most recently, I took her to the beach, which I had promised earlier, but had taken a raincheck. It was ambitious, because we went to a specific beach which she mentioned, and I drove a great distance to get there and back. When we ran out of ideas on the way home, I pulled over and we spent a good deal of time just talking and playing around (nothing suggestive though). I'm sure I've sent strong signals by now, because I'm always the one to get physically close or playful. I've been waiting for her to come the remaining distance. I'm pretty sure she realises I like her, and she once asked me directly during an extended online conversation. She said she likes me too, but wasn't sure whether it was the same way I felt about her. She also said she didn't want to lose me either. She has a blog, and our little trip prompted an entry in her own language - which she knows I can't really read. I had it translated (she doesn't know) and it's left me feeling awkward... ...She said she has definitely been happy because of me, and she knows that I treat her well. However, the more I treat her well, the more she fears of the mistakes that'll emerge. She feels different about me but she doesn't know how to respond, nor does she want to hurt me... She doesn't know I know this of course, so she's carrying on as her usual self, but I now know she is clearly anxious deep down about what may happen. It seems she feels guilty deep down for letting me spoil her so much, so much so that when I realise it, I'll be hurt. Well I know unbeknownst to her and it has indeed left me feeling down. I always suspected she was just timid and less obvious because of her character, but it seems that she hasn't gone that extra distance I've waited for, for a reason... I think I'm gonna reduce all the physical flirting and let her take any initiative from now. Maybe if I back away and be absent/lowkey for a while, she might come forward herself...? I don't wanna tell her I deciphered her blog entry because it will really make it awkward for the her. It really sucks, because I've never felt so strongly about anyone ever. I really think I'm falling for her. She was on my mind for like a whole year, despite us only meeting up frequently towards the end. I really want to give her something for Valentine's Day, but after this, I don't know anymore. It seems empty to me now and she'll just get more anxious for the future... :sad:
  5. I've liked this girl for quite some time, and thanks to the summer break, we've recently been hanging out pretty frequently, just the two of us (compared to last year, when we were both busy and rarely caught up over the entire year). There's been more messaging and SMS'ing than ever before so I feel like I've definitely got a foot in her life now as opposed to before, when I still felt like an acquaintance. Our get-togethers are still much like friends though - no holding hands, hugging, etc. to speak of. But they're sooo close to being dates: dinners and movies, shopping, beach at sunset - all just the two of us. I think she knows I like her, and she's told me she likes me too during an IM conversation, but is still too fainthearted and insecure to be sure about it being the same kind of like I have for her. I'd gotten her a pretty good gift for Xmas last year, so now I wanna follow it up and get her something for Valentine's Day, but I'm not sure what. It can't be too dramatic, just something simple which will let her know for certain how I feel for her, without it being pushy or confronting. She's the type who loves things cute and quaint, by the way. Any suggestions?
  6. I'm pretty sure she's single, so I don't feel out of league. But she tends to be busy quite a lot and seems to see her work and study peers much more often, due to proximity and a longer history. In fact, me being a part of her life at all has been a driven initiative which would've never happened had I never obtained her email. She's blogged once where she considers friends being more important than lovers due to the extreme effects she's seen it do to people Stuff like this makes me wonder whether she's willing to get together if it came up, because if not, then the friendship would be awkward thereafter. She's either not interested or just shy and submissive because she's not showing any clear signs - it's very ambiguous. At the moment it just feels like friends who hang out exclusively. I've been gradually increasing my attraction/flirting signals; I've described her qualities as cute on 2 occasions (though not in person) and mentioned that I work hard so I can continue to pay for dinners. I've also floated the idea of an outdoor cinema outing which she has also mentioned interest in once, in passing. Don't know when our next meeting will be, since we're back to clashing schedules, though I suspect she has bought me a belated Christmas gift. Perhap I should wait for her to make a move and schedule the next meeting...?
  7. Been seeing this girl I've like for nearly 2 years, more frequently lately. But I'm finding it hard to develop things beyond friendly meetings. It used to be tricky to get together due to schedules, but because of the holiday season, it's been easier. We hang out exclusively, though we're not doing anything couple-like. We just had 2 meetings in a row and I couldn't be happier - except for the fact that I'm finding it hard to get closer to her. We spent pretty much the entire Christmas Day together, sharing both lunch and dinner with one another (casually of course, not formal affairs). I even got her a gift stocking, full of stuff I knew she'd like, based on observations I've picked up on in the past. Boxing Day was dinner and a movie, though she was fairly lethargic since she went on her first drinking binge at the behest of her work friends, after we had parted on Christmas. Being the gentleman, I drove her home afterwards of course. I've overcome any awkwardness in conversation I may have had in the past and can lightly poke fun at her lightly; which I did, ensuring I kept her amused despite her not feeling so good. I've been trying to move on her subtly through it all. I lean near her when we're sitting, I'll playfully hit her head sometimes, I'll pat/rub her shoulders casually, etc. She doesn't seem to be repulsed by any of this, though she's not showing any substantial "return signs" herself. (She *is* beginning to hit me playfully when I make silly remarks though). I've had my arm over her, kinda as a support/leading her as we walk, but I can't bring myself to truly put my arm around her yet (which I so wanted to, when I was casually rubbing her shoulder) because it feels like such a big move. The end of the day/night is always the most inept in fact, because there's rarely any physical goodbye (I've yet to even hug her, which I do with my female friends all the time). So it always ends kinda hollow. She clearly doesn't object to my company, since she's made some plans for us herself. But is she just interested in me as a friend...? Or could she possibly be waiting for me to make the first major move? Hoping for the latter, how would I know and how would I go about it?
  8. Just had a casual movie/dinner get-together and am feeling quite good. We haven't done anything couple-like, but we've spent time together pretty much exclusively, and I feel very I really wanna get her something for Xmas. Not something declaring my undying love or anything but something I know she'd like. I've got 2 ideas, but one is rather ambitious. So I'm wondering, would it be too drastic to get something pricey and is it better to go with something simple the first time?
  9. I hope she gets scared! 'Cause I'll think that's cute!
  10. "Hiatus = an interruption in the intensity or amount of something." Just referring to being apart physically for quite some time. Basically, we've both had very busy schedules and rarely get a chance to meet up due to the difference in time, place, etc. of our tasks (though I've made sure we didn't lose touch via email). So yeah, we're finally gonna get together again after a few months. She's told me she likes scary movies a while ago, though of course I don't know whether that means she's brave, or enjoys the thrills of being spooked I'm generally not too affrighted, but only when I'm watching amongst many people. Though I am known to jerk/jump when a shock moment is pulled off effectively
  11. Meeting up again with someone I like after a long hiatus. We're not actually a couple per se, but our get-togethers have been exclusive. We're gonna catch up and all, but we're also watching a scary movie by her choice. What's that gonna be like? Will I look stupid, if I were to jump by reflex?
  12. Thanks for the reply. I do generally try and look at the positive side of things, however since I've failed once and had to wait half a year to make up for it - if it were to happen again, I feel like time is just ticking away with no remorse, as I just seem to be unable to progress. Unfortunately, that test wasn't just a small thing, but worth over 3/4 of the grade. Hence a bad feeling with it, means a bad feeling with the whole course. I had studied more than I did in previous years (though still not as soon as I'd liked), but when the time came, I was confounded by many questions which cause a panicked blank in my head, and that really disappointed the outcome. It's just the idea of another year without making any real progress is difficult to take in, especially when I was so determined to get it over with the 2nd time.
  13. Just needed to get it out... Having an absolutely dejecting week. I've had to repeat some uni courses which I failed last year, having prevented me from graduating. Yet the most recent exam went very badly, and I fear it'll be another year down the drain. That had lowered my motivation to study for the next one enough, though I have been doing so out of necessity. But then I just had my bag and keys stolen whilst in the library, and that just compounded the existing anxiety and distress. The rest of my friends aren't so aware, nevertheless they're all going places, some graduated, others with footholds in their future careers. And it just makes my condition all the more gloomy and depressing. Especially when my folks and all are expecting me to graduate. Topping it off, I've been gradually building up contact with a girl I like who did graduate and has completed a dissertation. She had been positively backing me getting through, but what will she think now after I flunk again? Feel like such a wreck. Life is hard to comprehend right now.
  14. She sent me an email recently signalling the end to her degree. This is the first time she's sent me an email via her own initiation. All others have been replies to mine. So it was a pleasant surprise. I've bugged her all year with periodic emails (to ensure I'm not forgotten), and despite fears she may get annoyed by them, it seems that she's not repelled at all. I recently caught her on an IM and she asked me when I'd be free twice (amongst other chatter), and after telling her, she mentioned when we'd be able to catch another movie. I also inquired about something else of hers that I didn't understand and said I was still waiting for her to teach me about it. Because the last time I said this, she said I could ask my parents. This time she happily said she would once I was free. I find all these signs positive and hope they develop. Again, I realise it doesn't seem all that different from a relationship with a best friend. But I should also clarify that the type of people we are, aren't as "socially busy" as some may assume. So while it was quite a while before we got together for the second time, I do believe it's in our generally low-key lifestyle rather than lack of enthusiasm. I think she's more timid than normal, so any feelings on her behalf wouldn't manifest so clearly either. I've speculated on whether she had a boyfriend already, and even with our limited contact, I think it's unlikely. I know she's been insanely busy, the one phone call I witnessed her receiving was from her brother, and a long absense on the IM was because she had gone to her parents'. It's still possible, but as of yet, there hasn't been any indicative clues. And it does look like we're beginning a trend of spending time exclusively (of which she's contributing to), since there haven't been any thoughts of inviting others. 'Cause she could just as easily bring her friend(s) whom she's been studying with for the past year. I'm not saying that we're definitely walking toward the same path, but I also don't believe in dismissing this so casually. I mean, she could just be on a high after completing a hectic year, but then she also bothered to inform me about it, when she could've just started enjoying her free time.
  15. Sure, I love her company. Was that a "date" that we had? (I dunno what makes it "official" or anything). Our get together didn't have anything implicit, but it was just specifically her and me.
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