sugarmomma

well I don't know if I can really help you but I am have been in a similar situation myself. My boyfriend's parents are indian and they disappoved of our relationship from the beginning. It has really been difficult and in the beginning he pulled away from me many times. It must be extremely difficult choosing between someone you love with all of your heart and the people who you've loved your whole life. We had many tearful nights trying to figure out if our love could survive his parents constant interferring. However I hung in there and patiently offered my love. There were times when I got frustrated and tried to make his choose, but that always made him run away. So instead I tried to support him and offer my understanding. I mean I do understand where his parents are coming from. They were raised different and in their hearts they want the best for their son. After two years, things finally paid off. My boyfriend moved in with me. I wish I could say we lived happily ever after, but his family is still interfers in our relationship. They have accepted our relationship as much as they can , and they try to extend themselves and be warm to me. However they still hope that our relationship won't last and that my boyfriend will marry a nice indian girl. I am still a secret to his family in India. I still get last min invitations to everything. They still try and dominate my boyfriend's life. They still hound and interrogate him about us every time they get him alone. He comes home from their house shaken ,distant, and full of doubts. The doubts generally disappear within a few hours of being home but I sense them. I guess my point is you have to be realistic about this relationship and way out the pros and cons. Relationships all have their set of problems. I think if you really want this to work and you really love this man, you should call him. Tell him you understand how difficult this is for him and offer him your love and support. But also realize that this is something you will forever have to deal with in the relationship. If mean obviously his family is important to him, and I am sure given enough time they will grow to love and accept you. But it may take years and years , and along the way you will have to be very patient. Living with my boyfriend has helped me realize that we are indeed very different. Even though he is his own person, I think his family has def instilled values into him that really clash with mine. These are things you don't really figure out until you live with someone. Sometimes I think his family is right and maybe he would be better suited with someone from his own culture. Someone who could be close to his family and who wants similar things out of life. But our love for each other is VERY strong and I guess only time will tell if it's strong enough to stand up against the many challenges that we face. so search way down in your soul and figure out what your heart and mind really tell you. Good luck..

wow thank you all so much. Your words really helped me to stop and think.I would def consider adoption, in fact I would prefer to adopt. And I guess I could always hire a nanny. I don't think my boyfriend will change his mind, but who knows. I guess only time will tell. but I am extremely lucky to have him in life and I shouldn't make any rash decisions just because he hurt my feelings by being honest. when i thought again about adoption options , i felt relieved. All of the pressure of neededing to decide disappeared. Thanks again for your help!

So I am back to enotalone. I have written several other posts and now I feel I am faced with yet another question I seriously need advice for. Brief background. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years and we have faced the gammit of relationship issues. I am his first girlfriend as well as his first lover. He is 28 and I am 29. Plus he comes from Indian parents whom are insistent he marry an Indian woman in his caste. On top of it last year I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Needless to say the fact that we are still together is a testament to our love. In the beginning I was plagued with insecurities. I was afraid my boyfriend would want other woman and leave me, however I eventually became extremely confident in his love and devotion to me. In fact recently I told him that if he wanted to go and get a lap dance i wouldn't mind at all and he told me that even with permission , he wouldn't want a lap dance because it doesn't even come close to what he has with me and the beauty of when we make love. I tease him all the time about other woman and he insists that he rarely even notices other woman because he is so in love with me. And he has always been hurtfully honest about these things. Then in July he suggested we move in together. I was floored. For him that is a huge commitment. Indian tradition is for the male child to live at home until he is married to a woman his parents choose ( or at the very least approve of) . His family practically disowned him and it caused huge controversy. But he did it. he moved into my place. And for the most part our relationship is great. We had huge communication issues at first but we went to a therapist and now we communicate pretty well. We rarely argue and when we do , they don't last very well. We are extremely different though. And some times it causes conflicts. Either way I seriously can not imagine spending my life with anyone else. My boyfriend is the sweetest, most loving individual I have ever met and we communicate most of the time without even speaking. He takes amazingly good care of me. I adore him. However ( I know get to it already) we have hit a serious problem. From the beginning my boyfriend has maintained that he doesn't want children, where as I am undecided on the issue. I swing back and forth. Lately as all of my friends have babies the issue has become more pressing. So last night I addressed it with my boyfriend and he gave me an honest answer. Basically he told me that he seriously never wants children with anyone, but especially with me. He thinks trying to raise children and take care of me and my MS, would just be too much for him too commit to. Now at first I was terribly hurt. But as I thought about it, I clearly saw his point. Dealing my MS is very difficult for both of us. Some days I am so exhausted I can barely function and on those days , he takes care of me. It would be so seriously selfish to add some children on top of that. It is a good possibility that he may have to spend a majority of the time raising the children alone because I simply can not function. That isn't very fair to him. Or to the children. Honestly I have considered not having children myself because of complications of my MS. But I still can help feeling like there is a chance I could want children and i feel like I am wasting valuable time in a relationship where we will eventually want separate things. During the conversation he also revealed that his parents have been hounding him because they think he isn't happy in the relationship. And he is very negative about relationships in general. He seems to sort of resent them as a loss of one's personal freedom not to care about anything. He also wouldn't directly answer me when I asked him i asked him if he felt trapped in this relationship because I am sick. He also said that he loved me dearly and that I complete him. He said that I am the yin to his yang. He said he would be heartbroken if I left him and that he hates conversations like these conversations because he is afraid that his answers will make me want to break up with him and that would destroy him. Bottom line I love him dearly and can imagine living without him. I also don't believe that you have to be traditional and only be in a relationship which will lead to marriage or children. On top of it I may choose to have children and BAM , problem solved. But part of me can't stop feeling rejected and disappointed. Also I am afraid that at like age 32 I will decide I must have children and then i will have ruin the life we build together and try and scramble to find someone before my time runs out. I do think that if i gave him an ulti matum about having children or breaking up that he would give in , in order to keep me. But I would never do that. I only want to have a child with someone who 100% completely wants to. Maybe finding someone who wants to have children with me would be tough, considering my medical condition. But a lot of my exes says that would never have stopped them from having kids with me. I am afraid that subconsciously I will withdraw from him and allow my new doubts to sabatoge this relationship. I am so confused, please give me advice on whether i should end this relationship or not. May I add we are suppose to buy furniture and a dog together this weekend.

Well when we first got together he was totally against marriage but I don't really care about getting married and never pushed the issue. Now he acts like he has no problem with getting married and we talk about it like it is in out future openly.

sorry I just turned 29 and he turned 28. we have the same birthday.

So I've posted a lot of post about my problem laden relationship. Maybe I am a wee bit addicted to this site. Recently, after two years of waiting, my boyfriend finally moved in with me. Now it has had it's good points and it's bad points. On one hand , I have learned that my boyfriend is extremely sweet and helpful ( which I already knew) but even more so now. Almost every morning he offers to cook me breakfast and almost every night he cooks me dinner. He always helps with the chores and bends over backwards to take care of me and our home. Of course I have also started to see crabby sides of him that I knew existed but hoped would never surface in regards to me. Nothing serious but he can say some rather hurtful things over small disagreements. Then again I am usually extremely oversensitive and I have learned not to react right away when he says those things. Instead I wait and discuss them later and most of the time I learn that I interpreted his comments wrong or he said something he didn't mean. So we are working on our conflict resolution. It is difficult adjusting living with someone after all and it seems as if we are both stuck in our ways sometimes ( like whether or not to put a bag in the bathroom garbage can). But all in all it hasn't been bad. Now the question My boyfriend has maintained since I met him that he doesn't want children ever!! Every once in a while he does slip up and talk about when we have children but when I ask him about it later he says he was only kidding. I haven't decided about children yet. but I think in about 5 years I would like to adopt a child. And I have made this clear to my boyfriend. We both know it's a huge problem and will probably lead to our eventual breakup but it seems stupid to end something that we have worked so hard for and that is so beautiful about the future. Maybe I will decide I never want children or maybe he will decide he does. However, yesterday when we were arguing about something silly. I said " imagine how much we are going to argue about raising our adoptive child." Now I did say it just to mess with him and get under his skin a little , which is my bad, but he responded by saying very firmly " you and I will NEVER have children together." And for some reason it just hit home when he said it that way. He didn't say he would never have children, he emphasized that he and I would never have children together. Something in the way he said it made me think that he would possibly consider having children with someone else, but not me. Either way it made me realize that maybe I am just setting myself up for disaster and I am wondering how many people think that it's a bad idea to play house with someone with whom you will most likely end up wanting different things from life?

Thanks Ray Kay! Those are good points!

yes, this is the same man who had expressed the interest in sleeping with other woman before. And that was something that took me a long time to get over, but I think he has come to terms with the fact that he traded a long list of sexual partners for a devoted and loving relationship. We have talked about it and he says that the urge to experience something new has gone away. In fact the other day we were talking about problems in our relationship and he was talking about him being indian and his parents being so against our relationship. I brought up my concern about him being a virgin and he said " honey you don't need to worry about, I've gotten over, now you need to. I am sure that it may surface again in the relationship somewhere down the future, but the issue of you're partner wanting to sleep with other people can surface anytime in a relationship regarless of how many people they slept with before you. I actually wouldn't mind possibly swinging but whenever I suggest it , he says that he isn't interested. That he only wants to be with me right now. We are both aware that could change in the future on both of our ends, but instead of focusing on that we have decided to focus on the right now. I really believe he wouldn't have suggested us moving in together if he was still interested in exploring being single and having sex with other people. I think he thought about it , really weighed his options and decided that what we have is more important that meaningless sex with strangers. Maybe I am just fooling myself though Anyway back to us moving in together... He has lived on his own in college. For the first year he lived in the dorms, the second year he shared an apartment with roomates and the third and fourth year he lived on his own in an apartment. So I guess I meant this is the only time living with a girlfriend. As far as him and my roommate, they get along REALLY REALLY well. We are all friends and my roommate is actually dating his best friend. My roommate and my boyfriend cook dinner for me together and will hang out and watch movie if I am busy doing something in another room. The house is set up to where we ( me and my boyfriend) have the complete opposite end of the house then my roommate. She has her own bathroom and I have mine. Everyone has a TV in their room as well as a computer. So there is a lot of privacy for people living together. It's a four bedroom house and it is really big. The only thing I am really worried about is cleaning. Although we are all really pretty clean and my roommate is good about doing specific chores if I ask her to. She is a really wonderful roommate.

Okay so my boyfriend and I are finally moving in together. If you have read any of my other posts, It has been a HARD , HARD road for us. However with lot's of commitment and some counseling we have managed to get to a point in our relationship were we want to take things to the next level and FINALLY move in together. My boyfriend is moving in with me and my roommate. He will have his own room in the house. A room for him to escape to with his computer and music equipment. Of course he'll sleep in my room, but I thought it was important for him to have his own space. Okay, Okay I'll get to my point. This is my boyfriend's first time ever living with someone other than his parents. I have lived with two other men before. So I have some experience. His parents are extremely opposed to us living together and have filled his head with all sorts of pre-programmed doubts. They have calmed down a tiny bit from when he first told them he was moving out. They aren't threatening suicide anymore which is good. My question is does anyone have any good advice on moving in together? What to do and what not to do? I am worried this may be more traumatic for my boyfriend that I realize and I want to try and make it painless as possible. Plus I would like to avoid making common mistakes

hello, I think chemistry is more important than physical attraction. And I think that developing feelings can trigger chemistry. I think you should look at your chemistry together. When I met my current boyfriend I was not physically attracted to him and he wasn't all that attracted to me. He even told me that I wasn't his " type" and in the past he had been way more physically attracted to other woman. However we had extreme chemistry. Maybe when I looked at him, I didn't get turned on, if fact I was a little turned off. However when I listened to him speak, when I smelled him, and when we actually touched I felt a crazy intense attraction.. We just fit. Do anything make you feel chemistry for her? Does her smell excite you? Does her touch feel amazing? Do you like her personal style? Do you like a sparkle in her eye or is a certain mannerism endearing to you? These all point to signs of chemistry. Now that I have been with my boyfriend for two years I think he is the most handsome man I have ever seen. And he tells me I am the most beautiful girl in the world and the only woman he yearns for. It is amazing how the way that I looked at his physical appearance has changed but if there wasn't chemistry there, I don't think it would have mattered how well we got along or how much I liked him it would have never worked. I would always be yearning for that missing chemistry. does that help any?

I am not sure if this will help you at all but I am in a similar situation. My boyfriend's mother is obssessed with my boyfriend. Her standards for whomever he dates are unrealistically high. Since the beginning she has made a pointed out how I am not pretty enough ( well more like not thin enough), not successful enough, I don't come from a good enough family, I don't make enough money, I don't have a good enough education ( i'm in college too), I am not clean enough. The other day she pointed out that I stay out in the sun too much and that I am going to end up with age spots and a wrinkled neck. At first it was a huge issue for me and it actually made me start to feel really insecure. I questioned ending my relationship as well. But I really wanted to make my relationship work regardless of his mother. Basically I made it clear to my boyfriend that I don't care what his mother thinks as long as it doesn't affect what he thinks, and that if it comes to a point to where it's affecting what he thinks, then he and I have much bigger issues. I try to understand that (even though it's not healthy) his mother's standards come from her love for her son. Somewhere deep in all of that hateful judgement comes her wanting the best for her son. My plan on dealing with the issue is to continue to be myself. I have faith that she will eventually see the things her son loves in me and one day she will understand how much I love her son and that I only want the best for him. And that will overshadow all the shallow things she judges me for. Luckily she isn't rude to my face. Most of her nasty comments are made behind my back. If she was rude to my face I wouuld have to have a heart to heart talk to her explaining all of my good intentions for her son and the fact that I don't want to interfere in their relationship , more so I'd like to be a part of it. A conversation where I can address and confront her on her rudeness without insulting her. And maybe somehow making her feel a little better. Whether you like her or not she is someone who will always be important to your boyfriend. I guess you have decide how important your boyfriend is to you. In doesn't excuse her behavior but maybe it will give you some ideas in order to cope. Either way in time she will have to get over it and accept her son's decision to be with you. good luck!

My boyfriend and I have our first appointment for couples counseling today. He is a little hesistant as am I. I was just wondering if anyone thinks that going to counseling is a bad thing or has anyone ever had a bad experience with couples counseling? Or on the other hand, I was wondering if counseling has ever saved anyone's relationship and if so how?

I just wanted to update everyone on what happened. I spent all week worrying about my friend coming along but I stayed true to my convictions and never made any attempt to cancel on her. I even invited her along to go shopping for the trip the day before. I reasoned to my self that I just had to get over my insecurities and accept whatever happened. On the morning of the tubing trip she was no where to be found, and it turns out she called a mutual friend the night before at 2:00am to let them know that she was never going to be able to make it on time and to cancel. Needless to say I was a little relieved. My boyfriend and I had a great time on the trip and I was very proud of myself , the only thing i was upset about was the amount of time I spend worrying about the trip for no reason. Thanks everyone.

well last night my boyfriend came over and I casually asked him " honey do you want to go to a strip club soon?" he asked me " why do you " and I said " I want to go if it will help turn you on and get you excited. And he said " I don't really like strip clubs anymore now that I met you and I am having sex regularly." So now I am even more confused...

I have amazing orgasims were I do feel exhausted by the end. I don't know if I have ever blacked out. but maybe something close. If you aren't a swinger how do you have rules with your current girlfriend? How do you suggest we "mamange" my boyfriend's curiosity? Thanks