flowergirl

In response to this, its always much harder to get pregnant than you think. And, right after your period is a time when it is most difficult to get pregnant. Right before and right after your period is not the most easy time to get pregnant. Get the pill--if you haven't already, borrow the $40, go by yourself or take a trustworthy friend if you have to, and then after its said and done let him know the slime he is for making you do that on your own....it takes two to tango...and obviously he's scared too. A scared little boy shouldn't be a daddy anyway. You will be fine. Keep is posted. Most girls have gone through what you are going through right now. I am 30 and I can remember taking at least 4 girlfriends to get pregnancy tests because of stuff like this. I had to myself. It sucks, but try not to stress too much because that will cause your period to be late too.... Best wishes~Aloha...

Well, time has passed since this all occurred, I have to say thanks again for your responses.... He is still stuck on the fact that I invaded his privacy and I don't understand that him doing that was a joke and that the two of them have joked like that for years. She also said it was their sick, twisted humor but that she agreed it was totally inappropriate. I told her to grow up and told him the same. Anyway, he doesn't even allow me to say he disrespected me because in his book, I got burned because I was up to no good to begin with. Whatever. I am still irritated about all of this. We just got back from Xmas and I am just looking inward to figure some things out. I am sure I will be back soon with more questions to throw out there to the masses.....Its always interesting to see what the majority has to say. Aloha.

RESPONSE TO WILDCHILD: A) Do you two live together -yes since our engagement B) What was his response to you when you went back and cried in his arms....any explanation at all? Apologies ot the wazoo. Held me, said he couldn't live without me and he is sorry. C) Who's idea was it to get married...who proposed? He did. He said he wanted it to be clear how much he cared about me. He also said he wanted me to never doubt or question anything. To help me feel more secure with our relationship. D) How did you two meet? His work...he's a physician, I was a patient. He asked me out after my visits were completed, once I was no longer a patient.

Wow...thank you for taking the time to say waht you said. Thank you to everyone that has taken the time to put in there two cents. I spoke with him this evening. I asked him to meet me at home at 4 to discuss this...of course he met me and we talked about it. I have had a very stressful, long week so it was the last bit of anxiety I needed....but whatever it was done. He, with careful words said he understands how I feel and he agrees that he needs to be more mature in his interactions with her....understand they have been friends for 16 years. Isaid I support your friendship with her, however, I have to know that your relationship will not cross that boundary. We acknowledged we both have lost trust in one another. Of course I think its kind of BS that he says he has lost trust in me....I did grab his phone from him to see what was there which totally pissed him off, but I am glad I did it. I think its his only defense. He knows what he did is wrong. I think "she" knows its screwed up as well. I also have made it abundantly clear that any act like this again will cause me to disappear from his life. Our engagement we agreed would be a year long engagement. We are planning for Feb. of '07.....I will be carefully looking at our dynamic in that time. If I continue to feel this way without a thought I will go....I told him I refuse to be in a toxic relationship. I have never been there before and I have too much self respect and self love to ever put myself in that situation. I think time will tell at this point. If he continues to react in such a defensive way where he turns things around on me.....again, I will leave. I am weighing things carefully and I thank all of you for your thoughts and words of wisdom. Anymore are WELCOME! Cheers, FG

Aloha all, I am sorry for no response, however, I am a teacher and life is crazy upon school ending this week for break. Anyway, the update is that the girl that sent the photos, that I txted, txted ME the next day and wanted to talk to me on the phone. I gave her a time to call and we spoke that day. She apologized and said that it was sick twisted humor that was not funny. They are nothing and she has never seen him happier. He loves me so much and she wants to do anything she can to support our relationship. Needless to say I had my words with her. Threatening to call her husband. Telling her to get some class and respect our relationship. If she loves him so much and they are such great friends, then she should think to support his relationship. That was that. I said a lot more, too much for here. So yesterday we went to spend Christmas with my sister and her family. Somehow we started talking about all of this on the drive there. Not good. He yelled, I yelled. He thinks that we have serious issues because of my lack of trust and disrespect for his personal space. I apologized for stepping over a boundary that should be respected, but I need him to see the hurt he has inflicted by this. He says he is also wounded by this relationship. My distrust and insecurity. He feels he has nothing for himself and that I try and control him by knowing every part of his life. We spoke last night before bed. We said we need to sit down when we are not tired, without yelling, without disrespectful words, and talk soon. We both are questioning whether or not this relationship is going to make it. The only thing that could help us at this point is to come to some agreements. I am feeling so lost and confused. Thanks for your comments.

Thanks for your quick responses. I am numb. I ended up going home and crying in his arms this morning at 5am. I said nothing. No words were possible. I am so injured. I feel so numb and pounded down. All the sorrys in the world don't matter right now. I am focusing on what this might materialize into in our future. Do I want to deal with this? I am taking him home to my family for Christmas. We leave Monday. They are all going to be congratulating us on our October engagement. This sucks.

SO my fiancee and I are cooking dinner last night. I am right by his phone. He is receiving a pic message. I say "ohh, you got a pic from someone, can I see it?" He acts all private. I look and its a txt that says Thanx, yummy! from his "best friend" who is married and lives in CA. far away from us. I txt back w/o him knowing saying WHAT? She txtx him again with a picture of her punani. You know what I mean? Anyway, I freak out! He starts yelling at me that he has no privacy. I am pathetic. I control him by trying to know everything about his life. Nothing is just for him anymore. He called me dumb. He said--It's over! He said a lot of cutting horrible things to make me feel bad. He lied and said that he didn't know why she sent that to him. He can't control what is sent to him. He blows up and leaves. Well, he left his phone. So I see that he had sentg a pic of his * * * * to her. Who knows what other things were sent he had erased his sent txts. I txted her back and said--Hi, this is Heather. Do you really think this is appropriate? Of course she didn't respond. I left and stayed in a hotel. I am freaking out. I am supposed to marry this guy and he is doing this behind my back. I don't trust him. Or should I be okay with this!?!? I feel disgusted, embarrassed, sad, etc....HELP?

Sonjam, Thank you for your input. Its simple and do-able. I will express that advice to him as well. Any other thoughts are welcome! Flowergirl

Aloha all, I am taking a trip for T-giving with my fiancee of a month. We talked about wanting to really bond on this trip. Since we've been engaged it seems as tho there has been a lot of conflict and disconnect. Not sure why? The chase is over? I don't know? Could anyone offer some advice as to what things we could do to bond. Creative adventures or conversations? Just thought I would throw it out to the masses for ideas. Thank you for your response. We leave tomorrow morn. I am packing as I type. Please respond quickly!!!! Merci....flowergirl

#1 Stop being Fix -it guy. Women just like to vent with their friends most of the time, and you are that-a friend for her to vent to.... When a man starts "fixing" whatever it is she has been complaining about, then the woman might feel like the man thinks she cannot fix it herself. Woman work through solutions first by talking about it to vent. Just listen and wait for her to ask for help in fixing the problem. Maybe say, "If you need my help in any way just let me know, I am always here to listen to you. I will only help you fix it if you ask." However, there is always a possibility that the woman will expect you to mindread and know when to step in and help and fix.....but make it clear that she must vocalize what she needs. You to listen. You to fix. You to ....whatever!

Thanks. That is what I have done. I also emailed him a long email just expressing what I see in him. The things he can not seem to see right now. Thanks.

My boyfriend is severely depressed. He asked me to elave yesterday because he needed his own quiet time. He txted me this morning and said thanks for support but I cannot hear anything. He has nothing to look forward to. He wants to hide. How can I support someone that I think needs my support but isn't asking for it...in fact he is telling me no one can help him, but him. I feel like he is shutting me out. What to say? What to do? Thank you for your help!

His mother abandoned him as a teenager. His ex fiance abandoned him for a new man that she is marrying next month. My family ignored him after I called them crying when I found out he was in contact with his ex and tryong to win her back when he told me he was just trying to reach closure with her. My family, out of love and protection for me, haven't really included him in anything since. However, as my love for him has grown they are actively trying to like him as well---for me. On his part I think its a pattern of feeling rejection from people. Something he acknowledges and is working on personally.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. He wasn't exactly a picture of perfection in the way he ended his last relationship and then dove into ours. My family saw it all go down. Now they are leary of him but say they like him. I took him out to lunch with family today. He was a little hesitant because he feels that in the face of them he is a failure or a loser. His words-not mine. Everything went well in my eyes except that he didn't talk hardly at all during lunch. I am the type to fill in the spaces to put everyone at ease. We left and I thought he would feel better and more accepted into my family. They were all kind to him and talked to him as much as they could. However, we got in the car and he was in tears. He wouldn't talk to me about it. I respected his need for alone time to navigate his feelings. I am now at home writing this. I left him a note before I left his place saying that he is a beautiful, wonderful man and he did nothing innappropriate to feel like a loser or anything of the like. I said he needs to acknowledge his own beauty so that he can share that with others. I am confused? I am not sure what to say or do from here? Any words?????

Warning: I didn't read any other responses so my apologies if I repeat others..... I think that in a realtionship there must be a give and take in all areas. One thing essential to a relationship is the ability and clarity to see when another needs a little extra love, i.e., flowers, hug, sitting together in quietness, card, appreciation with words, etc...these indicators that you are there for one another are special when the other needs it but cannot ask for it. Knowing one another well enough to know when to act in these ways takes time and patience and LISTENING. Really listening. Other than that, all these little "extras" seem to be more dependent on the other for validation and assurance that the other is not going anywhere. Its wonderfully romantic and nice to do such gestures, however, when doing these all the time for no reason at all might demonstrate a need and want for more out of your partner then you are getting otherwise (emotionally)...Its important to give because it comes strictly from your heart with no need for reciprocation. If you are giving too much and are not being equally benefitted. Stop. Then see what happens. Be careful and watchful that your relationship is not dependent. Co-independence is the key.