wbrisett

I have to say that controlling my emotions has never been a good thing. Yet, nobody has been able to do it. I was always in control, except with her. I find that to still be true. We were young, she moved found a bigger city with more opportunities. This was her parents doing since they never really liked me. Funny thing is, I turned out a whole lot better than they ever expected. And my parents didn't like her, they always thought she was using me against her parents. When they pushed her to move to go to school away, it was because of me. Not because they thought the school was great. We often found ourselves getting back together, but needless to say the distance always got in the way. I hear what your saying about my current relationship, my wife and I had a long talk about that last night. The problem is, she lacks the communication skills to tell me truthfully how she feels. -W

This week while cleaning I found my first love's business card she had given me 10 years ago. I thought it would be nice to say hello. We were high school sweethearts. We dated for 3.5 years and every relationship we've both been in, we always rate against that one. I sent an email to her and just wanted an update of what was going on. I'm married and have a child and simply wanted to see how things were. She wrote back and stated that I "found her" and that she would write more when she had the time. I also found a bunch of stuff I wrote for her a long time ago (22 years to be exact). I hadn't thought of her in a long time. Our relationship was one where she held all the keys. She always held total control over my emotions. Revisiting my writings reminded me of this and brought back a lot of those memories. For days I wrote to her got short responses back. I couldn't sleep well, didn't eat well. Generally I was and still am a mess. I told my wife (this is my second marriage) and she knew of my past with this woman, but had hoped after 22 years my demons would be gone. What I've found is just the opposite. With my wife's blessing, I taked with my ex-girlfriend for over 2 hours. We caught up with our lives (we hadn't spoken in over 10 years), and then we talked about what we were feeling. She is engaged to be married in September (her 3rd), but like me, has been wondering around in a daze all week. My wife told me last night that she doesn't want to be #2. I understand that, but she doesn't understand the power this woman has over my emotions. No woman or person has ever been able to control my feelings the way she has. Now, I walk a narrow bridge. Unsure what to do. My ex and I both realize that part of this is because we left so many loose ends. Our relationship was never put to rest properly. And now I'm tormented by ancient feelings and don't know what to do with them. I love my wife, but I've never loved her the way I loved this woman. As I said both my marriages have always been measured up by this relationship. Maybe it's because it was my first true love, but I'm so confused. -W