BellaDonna

I agree 100% with this. What confuses me is that my mother thinks that she can grow spiritually by leaving my father and dating a felon.... but that's a whole other story.... I think counseling can at least help people gain perspective when they have feelings about leaving their partner, before they make a big mistake and do what my mother is currently doing. In this woman's case, the children are still young too (10&6)- so I wonder if there might be even more going on than what's on the surface. BellaDonna

My best advice would be, never expect any part of a movie, especially love, sex, or luck to be anything like reality. There's a reason why movies make money- we all pay to see them to escape reality and to be taken into a fantasy world. It's all script. The real world never follows such a sugar-coated storyline. I'm not saying it absolutely couldn't happen in real life, but don't ever expect it to play out so nicely/easily/smoothly. BellaDonna

I'm sorry to say it, but I don't think there's much hope for you to have a real relationship with her. You're getting the notorious "nice guy" ...."I want to be friends" routine. If something romantic were to happen- It would have already occurred. She likes the ATTENTION you give her. She uses you as a crutch to spill her emotions and raise her self-esteem, without taking your feelings into consideration. At most, you might be a back-up plan if she doesn't find someone else. I'm not saying that the girl is evil, but any person half in tune would clearly realize you have feelings for them and try to be sensitive. Instead she leads you on, without taking your feelings into consideration. Her friendship with you is a bit selfish. She's a sponge- you're supporting her emotionally while she leaves you stressed and confused. I would suggest letting go of her if you can. You deserve someone that is as enthusiastic about you, as you are about her...WITHOUT HEADGAMES If you're a "hopeless romantic" I'm sure you'll have no problem finding someone else who reciprocates your feelings. Sorry to be harsh- but as a woman who knows many people that have been in your situation, I can tell you that you're being played....and need to know you deserve better than that. When a woman says she just wants you "as a friend" or gives you the "nice guy routine" it's basically almost always an indication that there are no future prospects. Sorry man! BellaDonna

Consider yourself lucky that he is letting you go now instead of stringing you along further. Someone that lets you down like that isn't good marriage material anyway. You should be with someone who is just as excited about being with you, as you are about being with them. I know you're crushed and heartbroken right now, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Time is the only thing that can cure a broken heart. When the tiem is right you will marry the right one. I suggest you keep NC- don't call. Every moment you waste on him is energy lost and your future happiness put on hold. BellaDonna

I agree that marriage counseling would probably be the best course of action. You have 20 years together- and the marriage is worth saving. I was never a real believer in the "mid-life crisis", however more and more I see married couples in their 40's and 50's going through this type of crisis. My own mother decided that she loves, but is not "in love" with my father- (married 26 years) and she left him abruptly and started dating someone else. It's tearing the family apart. I think your relationship is worth trying to save and tht counseling is the best option. It will either lead to the decision to stay together or to part. Any decision should be well thought out and having an objective 3rd party (the counselor) can help with this process. BellaDonna

link removed Try that website, they might have some resources to help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available for both victims and abusers: 1-800-799-7233 This is a very important step for you. Realizing that you did something wrong, and trying to take active steps to correct it. I think you need to confront all of the feelings you have about your father. You may also want to take a long hard look at your views toward women. Usually most men who will hit a woman not only have anger management issues, but also a feeling of superiority toward women. This may or may not be the case with you- but it is a trend in other men. Either way, to overcome this you may have to ask yourself some difficult questions and challenge your usual way of thinking. This a deep issue, and there are no quick fixes. I think you should be commended for posting this here, as I'm sure it's not an easy thing to do because you are potentially opening yourself up to a lot of judgement. -BellaDonna

I wouldn't stereotype someone based on their appearance. Usually the best way to tell if someone is after you for your money isn't by their appearance but by ther behavior when they are with you. For instance, do they only talk about money and all the material items they want? Do they expect you to pay on every date? Look for clues in the personality, not the appearance. BellaDonna

I was raised Catholic- The values of the religion have caused conflicts for me as well. For instance, I probably would not be considered a very good Catholic currently since: I don't attend mass regularly. I had sex before marriage. I use birth control. I do not oppose homosexuality/bisexuality. I think priests should be able to marry. I think women should be allowed to be priests. Obviously my current behavior/views do not make me "great" in the eyes of my religion. Yet I don't think I'm going to Hell... I found that religion was a tool for me when I was a child- to help me know "right" from "wrong". As a child, ones needs concrete guidance and structure- as an adult I can see the flexibility in morals. I still feel I am a good, virtous person, but also a realistic one. There are GRAY areas when it comes to morality. For example, I don't think stealing is a "SIN" if a person is poor. You have to create a healthy balance between who you are and what religion dictates. Do not feel like less of a person because you are bisexual. In my eyes, a good person is simply a good person, regardless of what they do in their bedroom. I have many friends who are gay and bisexual and they live more "moral" lives than some of my heterosexual friends and other people who attend to my church. BellaDonna

I love my cat and could never imagine not having her. I adopted her when I found her stray outside. Just be sure not to adopt an animal that you are unable to care for. Overall, a cat is a relatively easy, inexpensive pet to care for. Unless of course they have medical problems- the veterinary bills are the biggest cost. The first major cost will be neutering the animal. When I adopted my cat- I was able to pay her spaying costs at a reduced rate because she was a stray. I think the discount was offered by filling out a form from the Humane Society- but I don't remember exactly. One thing that really bothers me is when people adopt animals but fail to get them the proper vetrinary care, especially when they have a problem. And just like children, dogs and cats can get sick and develop health problems. For instance, my sister's 7 year-old cat recently developed diabetes, and needs insulin shots every day. Even a healthy cat will need to be immunized and given a general check-up yearly. If you think you can borrow money to initially get the cat out of the shelter, and then have a steady job to pay for the rest, I would say go for it and adopt the cat. Good luck, BellaDonna

Excellant! I know it must have been hard, but you should not go through this alone. Most definitely. I am proud of you. Now the next step is to tell your mom so you can go to the police together, because you will feel even lighter when your attacker can no longer hurt you and he pays for what he did. I'm not saying the road ahead will be easy...but every step you take is a step forward and you WILL get through this. He should be held accountable for his actions. BellaDonna

Did you save the message? In that statement he is basically admitting he raped you. This proves that he KNOWS what he did- despite what he told you before about how great he thought the experience was. Even if you didnt' save it, this is now more evidence on your side. This outrages me.....to say the least.....There are many names I could call him- but they'd be edited. All I can say is that I don't think there is any lower level of scum possible on earth.... He's INSANE. NO WAY! He is crazy. No one wants HIM which is why he is a sick twisted rapist that has to force himself on young girls. You most definitely need to tell now, more than ever. He is getting worse and worse. The longer he can do this without consequence, the more severe this situation is going to get. He does seem to be the obsessive type and seems very capable of hurting you again. Please tell your mom ASAP. BellaDonna

Very true. Avoid garlic, alcohol, coffee. Eat pineapples. Still in general, no matter what- body fluid is body fluid. Assuming there are no medical issues and she keeps herself clean, her lover just might be immature. If you truly love someone and want to please them, their orgasm is an acquired taste. I hope I don't sound rude or offensive, but I honestly can't say "Yay!- semen...I can't believe how good it tastes!" However since I am in love with my husband, and love to please him, his taste has become acquired to me. I think the way her lover handled it was immature and wrong. He could have been more sensitive. If he's not comfortable performing oral sex, then he just shouldn't do it. Oral sex isn't for everyone I guess. The only other thing I could suggest to her would be to try buying body butter or flavored erotic massage oil to see if that enhances the tatse for him. BellaDonna

It sounds liek the 2 of you are on different pages. He's ready to settle down- to open up quickly, to spend a lot of time. You like him, but just don't have the same idealogies as him. It's likely due to the age difference. At 19 you want to explore, at 29 he wants to find someone he can build a future with. My best advice would be take it slow, be honest with him, and don't string him along or give him any false hopes. Try to keep his feelings in mind and avoid hurting him. Cheating in the past is a bad sign- but I do think some people can grow from it and they truly reform if they find happiness in a relationship. Sometimes if you doubt a relationship early on- it's best not to drag it out because it only hurts worse later. Listen to yourself and be honest with both him and yourself at all times. BellaDonna

If you're going to bleach- use creme hair bleach. It can be found in almost any drugstore. The peroxide and chlorox in pure form will likely irritate your skin (it's harder to get rid of a big red irritation mark than hair ) The creme hair bleach is made with moisturizers to help protect your skin. BellaDonna

Yep...this is cheating. At this point it's emotional infidelity- but it's just as bad, and sometimes worse than a traditional affair. This sounds quite serious to me, and not at all like a "joke". He needs to cut off all contact with her. Cousin or not- he has not talked to her in 10 years, so why bother now ? You have the right to request that he END the contact. Since you have a baby on the way, and want to try saving the relationship, perhaps couples counseling will be a good idea. Sounds there are financial issues here too. I think it's at least worth a try to save the relatiobship- btu he must end contact wiht her and prove that he wants to change and at least entertain the possibility of counseling. As terrible as you feel emotionally right now- try to be strong for your baby. Be sure to take care of yourself and that you have others around to support you emotionally such as trusted friend or family, BellaDonna

Jazz, he is STALKING you. He has put you in situations where you are FORCED to talk to him. It's not your fault. If you take legal action he can be put in jail, and at the very least- court ordered to stay AWAY from you. Your mom can help protect you and become an adovcate for you in this situation if you tell her. If you are afraid to tell family or friends- then the next BEST thing to do is talk to a counselor. There are people that specialize in this and know exactly what you are going through. They will not blame you. A counselor is objective, and YOU decide how much to let them in. You don't have to live with them, you don't have to see them unless YOU want to. Please at least try. I think it will help you to feel a lot better. You can stop talking to the counselor at ANY time. As mush as I'm sure you wish this would just go away, it will not without treatment. You can't suffer alone and you can't erase it. Your feelings about this are valid and they deserve attention. You can't trick your heart to erase what it feels. You need to confront your feelings of hurt, shame, anger etc, and most importantly TAKE CONTROL of this situation and of your life again by getting help and bringing your attacker to justice. I know this because my own mother was a victim of sexual abuse when she was 8 years old. She never fully confronted the issue (I only learned about it from her 2 years ago after she had a mental breakdown.) She never pressed charges because the person that did it was a family member (an uncle by marriage,not blood). She only recently found peace after her attacker died last year. My mother is 48 years old. This has stayed with her since she was 8- that's 40 years- and it would not "erase". She is now in counseling. Don't wait like my mom did. Take control of the situation, give yourself a chance for a healthy, happy future. And yes, you DESERVE IT. I can't say this enough: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. You are definitely a survivor. You are brave enough to come here and share your experience with all of us to ask for advice. I think everyone here wishes we could help you more, but we are limited in our abilities, which is why it SO IMPORTANT that you tell somone who can make a difference for you like your mom or a counselor. BellaDonna

Found it: This was my experience with "depression" link removed

The word "depression" carries a stigma with it- so I can see why you dont' like the term. There are different types of "depression" ranging from mild to severe, short-term to long-term. It is human to feel "down" once in a while, when things don't go right, or you are experiencing a lot of stress. For instance if a loved on passes away, a person will naturally enter a "depression" Has there been any events in the past 2 months that have been particularly stressful to bring on these feelings? Sometimes people can feel down for no apparent reason (i.e. no event(s) take place to trigger the decline in mood). Either way, you should definitely talk to someone about your feelings. Sometimes medical doctors aren't always the best ones to talk to because they are quick to hand out prescription drugs. (Some people benefit form medication, but sometimes I think docs hand it out like candy) The general docs mean well, but they do not have extensive training in this area as a counselor would to knwo the best course of treatment. What is the most troubling about what you said is: This is an indication that you might be feeling REALLY down and isolated. If you family has noticed a change in you, maybe they are the first ones to consult for help. You might want to try active self-help methods or see a counselor as well if you do not feel any better soon. I recently went through a period when I was down in the dumps mainly because a lot of things have been happening around me with my family and work. I posted abotu it on this site. I took the self-help approach and made a decision to stop being a sponge for other people's negativity. I feel a lot better now. I'll see if I can find the post in case you're interested in seeing what I did to overcome the moods/depression. BellaDonna

I believe that it's cheating. Whether it is with a male or a female, it's still cheating. Either way she's giving her body to someone else, other than her fiance. I think the reaction to this situation will depend on the person. Apparently she doesn't think he'll approve of it if she's doing it when he's away. The sneakiness alone would is a warning sign in and of itself. She's playing him for dumb because he's not here. She is already straying BEFORE the wedding, who knows what she'll do later. Unless of course they have one of those "open" relationships.....then that would change things I guess. BellaDonna

I will try to help as you best I can. If you were in the U.S.- I'd advise you to visit a Planned Parenthood women's clinic. But I notice you're from Australia. If Planned Parenthood has centers in Australia- I urge you to call them. I did an internet search, and it seems that in Australia, one of the well-known centers that assists victims of rape/sexual assault is SECASA. they offer free legal help: link removed Here's a complete list of services: link removed They have a sexual assault crisis line: 1-800-806-292 (toll free) and they also list local numbers on their website. Please, Please, Please find A WAY to stop talking to him. Do you live alone? How is he able to get you on the phone? If you take legal action you can get him ordered to stay away from you, even better put in jail to pay for what he did. He's a low, twisted piece of garbage, and a criminal. He keeps re-victimizing you every thime he calls. I can only imagine the horror of what you are going through, and I know it is probably easier said than done, but you NEED to get help immediately. The only way to get it back is to contact professionals, get him away from you, and to seek legal action. Try calling SECASA, your local police, or BOTH. If SECASA are not in your exact area, or can't help directly, I'm sure they can direct you to an organization that can. You will need to tell them that you were the victim of a rape. They will likely ask if you can make an appointment with one of their counselors. They will likely ask you questions about what happened, and want detailed answers (This will probably be the HARDEST part- because I know you are devastated and embarrassed- but if you want to keep him away, they'll need to know the crime). They will ask you these things so that they can make a case against him. They will let you know what your options are and likely offer personal counseling for you to help you cope with this. You should not go through this alone, Jazz. Do you have a friend or family member that you can trust and tell? Something needs to be done. If you keep going onlike this you are only going to get hurt again and you're going to keep feeling worse. And worst of all, this low jerk will able to walk the streets free and think there's nothing wrong with what he did to you. HE'LL DO IT TO SOMEONE ELSE. Please remember- YOU DID NOTHING WRONG, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It's going to be tough to seek help and share what happened, but it it the only way to make a change to the situation, and TAKE CONTROL. If you have any scrap of strength left inside, you need to use it now. Try calling SECASA, and please keep us posted. You can PM me if you want more help, but don't want to write details on the forum. I'm really hoping you are able to get the help you need, BellaDonna

I agree. You need to seek help right away. I know you feel disgusted and ashamed, but there are professionals that can help you and are sensitive to what you're going through. Is there a women's clinic in your area? You need an intervention before this happens again. You need to stop talking to this sick, poor excuse for a man. Tell him that you want NOTHING to do with him. Hang up. If he does not listen, then you can file a restraining order. Never , ever see him again. The next time it may turn into rape (as in intercourse) he obviously do not respect the word "no". My best advice is to STAY AWAY From him- end all contact immediately and seek professional and legal advice. You were sexually abused and you have grounds to press charges. It sounds like you have been victimizrd more than once. This type of sexual behavior is all you know. You have been manipulated into thinking it is pleasurable. Bottom Line: you did not want it to happen and you were violated. It is not uncommon for victims of sexual abuse to have mixed emotions about what happened, to blame themselves, etc. This is NOT your fault. The only signal I can see is that you are vulnerable and people are taking advantage of that. Please seek help right away. Let us know how you're doing, BellaDonna

I would say that is relatively normal. If a person annoys you, sometimes you just can't help it. This is where I think it becomes problemsome, or "abnormal". Avoidance of annoying things is normal, but you should not let it start to affect other aspects of your life such as your OWN productivity. Even if the person is right next to you, you have to tune him/her out. Don't let the negative thoughts become pervasive. When I don't like someone, the strategy I use is to "kill them with kindness". Before you know it, being nice to this person will become a habit and you might feel less negative. When I particularly dislike someone to an extreme I try to figure out what it is about the person that gets to me the most. I believe that there is a reason for everyone being in my life and a lesson to it. I then ask myself: What is the lesson from people that continually show me negative behavior and leave me hurt and energetically drained...or just plain annoyed? Why are they allowed to affect me and what is it, EXACTLY that I do not like about them? If I'm honest with myself the majority of the time I come to the realization that all the people I surround myself with are 'mirrors' to reflect back aspects of myself...both positive and negative. Usually when I HATE someone (for no obvious reason) it is mainly because that individual is reflecting back a quality that I either a.) Have myself and DISLIKE or b.) WISH I had That is just my personal experience. But it might be enlightening if you ask yourself the following questions: Is there a personality quality or something that you ENVY from this person? and/or Does he/she remind you of something you don't like about YOURSELF? Regardless of the answer, you need to stop letting the negative thoughts about your coworker take over your mind. If after answering the questions above, you find that you still truly "HATE" this person, then think of it this way: Why let someone you think so little of waste so much of your thoughts and affect your own behavior at work. He or she is not worth it. BellaDonna

Ahhhh...using the world of moral relativism...to justify incest. It's a brutality that revolts my senses. I wonder how one could possibly "benefit" from believing sibling sex is "right". I refuse to debate a topic so sickening.

Ouch! Well I'm sure you're upset, but in his defense, I sometimes mix up names unintentionally. I've called my husband my sister's name, if I just got through talkigng to my sis on the phone- I've called my cousin my husband's name if I was talking to her but thinking about my husband briefly. It only happens to me when I'm tired or in an absent-minded state. He may have thought of her briefly and then slipped by mistake. It doesn't necessarily mean he was thinking passionate, loving things about her either. It could have been something, boring, resentful, or just plain average. I would not take it too personally, unless he makes a HABIT of it, or if he says it IN BED..... Don't read too much into it or it will drive you crazy. BellaDonna

I couldn't even read through some of the replies to this post because I was ASTONISHED and DISGUSTED to see that there are some people that see nothing inherently wrong with siblings having sex. All I can say is that if we always hold the wishy washy view that things are only "socially" wrong, and that everything is relative, the world will go to shambles. We could start saying that murder is ok, and that only "society" sees murdering as "wrong". I mean, you can make all kinds of excuses for all kinds of atrocities with that relative reasoning. Where do you draw the line? Seeing that they live in today's society, it's impossible for them to take part in this behavior without feeling hurt later. As long as they live in a social environment, this is going to cause them major problems, likely for the rest of their lives. I consider myself a very open-minded, liberal person. Yet there's no way in my mind that a brother and sister having sex is "right". As much as I wanted to "experiment" as a teenager, I would NEVER look to my own relatives. I would almost wonder if there's a history of sexual abuse which exists in their household which makes the brother and sister in question think this is ok. Something is really wrong there.