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Everything posted by BellaDonna

  1. Because I was a child of divorce and hated it. Because I know my son needs his 2 parents in his life and home together. Because when I became a mother this life was no longer about me. Because I'm a afraid to throw 23 years of my life away. It's scary and feels like death. Because I can't face my family. Especially my grandparents in their 90's, who have been through so much pain and loss in their life and who love him. They have no idea what occurred. I'd never tell them. They need and deserve peace in their last days. Because when I became a wife I made a sacrifice. Our lives inter-twined. Because I know without me he will not live well. He will fall into alcoholism and addiction. Because until you've been there you never can know the deep conflict inside. All roads point to leaving but you cry silent tears and you sacrifice. You give up opportunities for love with others. I was so close to leaving once but it always feels like "grass is greener" syndrome. There are no green pastures for a walk-away wife.
  2. Thanks, everyone. I hope you all have a happy and peaceful holiday season. I am looking forward to the sense of hope that a New Year brings. I'm very ready to say farewell to 2015 and all the disharmony related to it.
  3. Hi all. I am so sorry to have you worrying about me. I am OK. Things are not much different. I'm still in the same place trying to decide what to do with my life. I have been feeling pretty down this month with the holidays and all. It's triggering some feelings of wanting to leave the marriage. Right around this time last year is when it had all started. I can't say I am happy by any stretch of the word, but I do find joy in my child and in my career and I have family support, friendships, interests which help keep me sane. I still don't know what my future will bring. I am sorry I did not update you all sooner. It warms my heart that people care about me and I appreciate all of the PMs too. Bella
  4. It's been a while. I can't say that much has changed over the months I've been away from this site. I'm still here in this house with him because I don't want to rip my family apart. There has been scarce "intimacy" which is mechanical, robotic, and empty. Addiction ruins lives. -Porn,drugs, booze. He's still in therapy for all of it. I'm not happy here and likely will never be but I just don't have the strength to do anything else. It's not in me. It's a difficult choice when you have a child with special needs. Every day I deal with an inner voice crying out in sadness while the practical, maternal side of me won't budge. I am just thankful that other facets of my life (work, etc.)feel normal and bring me happiness.
  5. He does. But he is being careful not to pressure me and I appreciate that. He's been going to therapy twice a week, stopped drinking, he's eating better, he's doing more around the house, he's trying to be there more for the day-to-day things. He has not been on sites. At this point, it's me who is not sure it can work. I knew I'd have the problem with the intimacy factor from the get-go, due to the nature of this situation. He keeps saying he'll wait and give me as much time as I need to figure out what I want to do. There have been times I've been with him such as out to dinner, etc. and I've enjoyed his company in a friend-type way. I don't feel a connection of being in love anymore and wanting to be physically near him. It's tough to know if it will ever heal with time.
  6. There's another really great product called Instead Softcups link removed I used to use them all the time. Not all stores carry them though but online ordering is available. For IUD users it recommends talking to your doc. I used it when I had the Mirena IUD with no problems at all.
  7. I am doing ok. I'm back to work so that has helped me overall. Things are much the same at home. I'm still very indecisive about what I am going to do. He is doing everything he needs to do. The biggest barrier for me is physical intimacy. I have not been able to feel it. We live as roommates who are parenting. I am now sleeping back in our room but there is not physical contact. I'm at the point now that I may seek counseling just to sort things out. I flip flop back and forth about wanting to leave and then wanting to stay. He is supportive of either route and not pressuring at least.
  8. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was manipulative. He said it within moments of when I first told him and said I was leaving. He started crying and said it impulsively. I think he was shocked more than anything else and was grasping for straws. I have not heard anything like that since though and he's toned it down. He has not tried to create pressure or beg since, which is good because that would automatically send me in the opposite direction. I do not deal well with emotional manipulation and see it as condescending.
  9. One of the things I forgot to mention is that when I first told him, he said he wanted to "go blow his head off" when I said I wanted to leave. Well, I'm not sure if he would ever hurt himself, and I saw such a statement as manipulative more than anything else, but it is one of the many reasons I think he needs therapy.
  10. I agree with all of this. I want him to have individual therapy for a while and then I might pursue marriage counseling with him. His therapist is part of a practice that has individual, marriage, and family counseling so it is available if we go that route. But I'm not sure therapy would solve the hurdle of me being turned off and disgusted. The only thing that might is a lot of time and hard evidence of a reform. I need something to replace the awful images I have in my mind. As long as those are present, any physical intimacy is not possible. And I won't be having sex to appease him or fake it, that's for sure. I would only do so if I desired it. Right now I'm completely dead inside in that regard.
  11. I am still living separately in the house. I think he is taking the right steps to help himself. Aside from the weekly therapy he has stepped up with helping around the house. He has started a diet and exercise plan. I can see he is trying to better himself and he needs to do this, regardless of what I do. While I care about him and do love him, I cannot say I am in love with him right now. I've been too hurt. Too disgusted. Too betrayed. Too angry. Too shocked. Too violated. I try to separate what is going on in my mind, my ego, and my heart. It's not easy. Even if I can forgive him I cannot forget. Even if I can grow to trust him in the future, the CORE problem I am having right now is with intimacy. I find I prefer to be alone and I'm not sure I can ever feel anything sexual about him. That will be the biggest hurdle to overcome if this marriage ever has a chance. There are times that I crave the physical closeness, but not enough to seek him out. I feel that is all completely dead right now. I have too many counter-images in my mind of things that I saw that turn me off to the core. I knew that long before this ever cursed my own life. Check out my response here:
  12. Hi everyone. I've read all of your responses since I last posted. There were lots of questions. Here are some of the answers: Therapy I am not currently in any kind of therapy. I do have someone I can call if I need to, who I saw when I was dealing with postpartum depression. But right now I feel like I am aware of my thoughts and feelings and have clarity to be able to think things through. I do feel a depressed mood setting in, but I always deal with this during the cold months (I'm to prone to SAD) and also because I've been cooped up inside for a month recovering from the surgery. I'm almost completely physically better though and expect to feel much better once I go back to work and I'm not home marinating in this all day. If I feel like I am in despair I am not opposed to contacting my former therapist. Safety I am safe. My son is safe. I don't feel as if my husband causes any kind of threat or danger. He has been extremely passive throughout and is not pressuring me or anything. He is walking on eggshells. When I told him I wanted to leave he offered financial support and said I could keep the house and he would do anything he needed to in order to help me. He is not playing any games or being low in that regard. Should he have behaved differently, or acted volatile, I would have left immediately. Has he been on any sites? I continue to monitor his behavior online. While I disclosed to him some of the ways I knew all about his behavior, I did not disclose all of them and will not. They way I am able to find out what he is doing is much, much more technologically sophisticated than he would ever imagine. It's legal but it's not something he'd ever suspect and it's not something he can cover tracks for. That's all I'll say in relation to that. He has not been on any sites since the day I told him I knew. Since I told him, he has wanted to sit down with me and delete his accounts on the sites (e.g. such as "jailbait forums"). He said he wanted to do it sitting next to me so that I would be the one to go on it and delete it and not him. He says he's "done forever" with any kind of porn, even the kinds I told him I do not find offensive. He said to me that he is thankful that I found out and encouraged him to get help, as he has been "very depressed" for a while and has a lot of things that he needs to deal with and wants to be healthy. His explanation for the jailbait, rape themes, incest themes, nudism sites, bestiality According to him, he claims that his problem started out from an addiction to "regular" porn which developed in 2012 after his mother died. He said at first he was seeking out porn to masturbate, but then began getting drawn to dark themes and clicking categories and advertisements for sites that led him deeper and deeper into seeking out content about power and degradation. He said his quest became to find the most "extreme" things. He said this was not only limited to porn, but also to other graphic things like videos of beheadings that got leaked online and other awful things. He said these things made him cringe and he did not enjoy watching them but that he found himself seeking it out nonetheless. I do believe him when he says the quest for those things was not sexual, as I witnessed him go on a site right AFTER we just had sex and he climaxed. That was the Christmas morning incident. ugh I did find regular porn sites on his computer with adult women in addition to the awful things I had found. Most were women with dark hair and large breasts with garter belts and stockings. I know those are things that he is attracted to so I was not shocked about him masturbating to something like that. I can't fathom him masturbating to a woman and a horse though. His attraction to such content, as he described it, seemed to be for the "shock value" and not because he finds it sexually appealing. Still, regardless of his motivation to view it, I am still thoroughly DISGUSTED. I explained my deep, deep, deep opposition to jailbait sites and why. He agreed with me and called himself stupid. I told him he is probably on an FBI watch list and he really skated the line of legality with that stuff. All it would take would be just one member of that "forum" to post even one image that contained nudity and the whole site could be "swept" and every member investigated. He claims he is not attracted to the photos, but I simply don't believe him and I think he needs to deal with this in therapy. From what I can conclude, there is A LOT of pent up anger, mostly stemming from his mother, who was a drug addict. When she died in 2012 it worsened. Some things he has disclosed to me about past trauma: *When he was small his mother handed him over a fence to his biological father and said "Take your F---ing son!" *His mother sold him drugs when he was addicted to opiates. He is angry at her for doing so, saying he can't believe she never tried to stop him, even though he was the one buying it. *As a child his mother had a dysfunctional aunt live with them, and she would bring home all kinds of men and have sex with them with the door open and the children could see everything that happened. his mother was too high to notice. He denies ever being sexually abused *His mother abandoned him and his siblings for several days when she went on a drug rampage. The oldest child was 10 and the youngest was 2 at the time (husband was 7 or 8 at the time). He said they ate cereal for days but ran out, and were alone in the house until a neighbor eventually noticed. He has a lot of anger he needs to deal with.
  13. I know I must look like the world's biggest fool and flattest doormat. I still have not made up my mind and I'm not sure when I will. I think it would take a miracle to have a marriage survive this. I know it would have went on forever if I didn't catch him. I am aware of all of the horrible realities of the situation. He said he will leave if I feel he should, and I'd stay at the house with my son. That is better than me moving out at the moment but I am not feeling like I need him to move out right at this time either. I feel it is not the right thing to do at the moment. I know how it looks (stupid) and I'd be giving the same advice you all are if the tables were turned. I'm surprised by my own reaction right now, but somehow I don't doubt or distrust it.
  14. Hi everyone. Thanks for checking on me. A lot has transpired since I last posted and my situation is slightly better now. Through various types of surveilence I got the rest of the information I needed about his photolock app on his phone and the contents of his laptop. Thank God I didn't find anything worse when I gained access. At this point, nothing "illegal" was found but I am still disgusted. The legality of whether a swimsuit is on a young teen girl or if a nudism site is considered " free speech" and not porn, are all just technicalties and do not lessen the hurt he has caused me. He is also aware I know now and we are separated. I am living in another part of the house. When confronted, his reaction was not what I thought it would be and some very tragic and awful things and trauma were brought to the surface from his past that gave me insight into his awful, sick behavior. He confessed to other things I didn't know about that were not related, such as a prior addiction to opiate pain killers which happened before an addiction to vile porn began. Right now he is seeking professional help and had his first session earlier this week. I told him he has to do this for himself and his son. He is like a combination of a zombie and a little boy right now. He tries to look to me to nurture him now but I can't. I don't really know the full extent of what I'm feeling right now other than my heart says "don't flee". My mind and ego say otherwise. But I feel that now that everything has been exposed and seeing his sincere effort to address his demons and the pain he is in now too, I can't move out just yet. Everything is so fragile and I want to see him through the process of help. I have more to write and will do so when I am on my computer and not my phone.
  15. Today I felt a sense of loss and grief come over me. This is going to be a long, hard road ahead.
  16. I am feeling little bit better, physically, today. My throat is better and the pain from the surgery is under control with the pain meds. My mind has been on a roller coaster. I still find that he is going on the disgusting websites from his phone, at some point, every single day. It seems it is part of his "routine", much in the way a person would check a news website daily for new stories. Sick My one hope in life right now is that he will be deemed stable and safe enough to be able to see our son after all is said and done. It baffles me how someone who could be such a good father on the surface could have such a sick addiction underneath. My son adores him and yesterday they made pizzas and cookies together and were sledding in the yard. My son looks up to him so, so much. I really hope for my son's sake that his father can be in his life in a normal way. I have to prepare myself for the worst though. This morning I woke up from a dream that I was looking out of the window from the second floor of my house and saw a huge flash flood approaching. It's funny how dreams can capture emotion in such a literal way: anxiety and feeling like everything you had and knew is suddenly being swept away by some unforgiving force.
  17. Hi all. I ended up having to go to the urgent care center today because my surgeon is on vacation and her covering doctor sucks. I needed my pain meds refilled and I had a complication with my uvula. Apparently it was crushed during the surgery intubation which caused it to swell and it make me feel like I was choking 24/7 and it kept getting worse. Anyways, I'm back "home" now and the pain is better. No new updates except I am still collecting info and he still doesn't know that I know. It's been tough.
  18. I need to be the one to leave for many reasons: *I cannot afford this house on alone on my own salary. The mortgage, electricity, heating bills, sewer and water bills, other utilities, taxes, insurance, etc. are more than I can afford monthly. Any financial arrangements through divorce proceedings will take time. In the meantime, I could go bankrupt staying here while I wait. I would rather move out and have him buy me out of the house once we are apart. Then I've have money for a down payment on a smaller condo. *I cannot take care of the house on my own. Shoveling snow, and other physical tasks that are needed to upkeep the house and yard are not things I am able to do. I would not be able to afford hiring out either. *I want to move somewhere that he cannot access. If I stay in the house he will keep showing up to get things like his tools, etc. *Staying here is too painful. I do not want to be reminded of our false life together amongst these walls. I need a clean slate. I am hoping he will keep the house, as he can afford it on his own easily.I plan to move to an apartment until everything is over and I have $$$$ to put down on a condo. I need to be in a place where repairs and upkeep of the grounds are taken care of. As soon as I get past this recovery form the surgery I will be able to take more steps toward getting out. Right now I'm immobilized until this passes.
  19. Lost, thanks for your kind words. He knew I moderated on a website and that I've met up with mods from this site several years ago. I do not believe it is on his radar at all though. It seems the only sites that are, are porn.
  20. The sites he frequents that worry me the most are both legal sites, but only by a loophole. The "jailbait sites" and the "nudism/naturalist" sites. Anderson Cooper once came down on Reddit for having a jailbait section, after which, Reddit removed it. The story Anderson Cooper did can be found here It opened up a floodgate about the concept of a "hebephile", known as someone who is attracted to teens between 13-17. I would probably classify my husband there, but I just don't now enough yet. I have to prepare for the worst. I do not know the full extent of his behavior yet. I feel as if I have only seen the surface. That is why I have to collect more info both while I am still in this house and also through the process of our separation via whatever legal means necessary. Our son is my #1 priority in life.
  21. A couple of things: 1.) surgery is done. I was allowed to go home a little while ago. All went well. I am in pain but able to rest. 2.) I am trying to be balanced in my approach to dealing with this rotton evil that has consumed my life. I have a zero tolerance policy for what he has done and continues to do. It's serious. It's not repairable.The marriage is over. With that said, Information is the only form of control and sanity I can have now. Getting fully informed about the extent of his behavior is crucial to me, as it relates to my family's safety. I have learned about the laws in my state and what I can and can't do legally to obtain the info I need and I'm in full action with that, right now. Understanding his sickness is crucial to me too. In fact, last night I was on the very website Lester linked too, and I found it helpful. Any replies like those do help me. You are all helping me process this with your perspectives. I also agree divorce alone is not enough. I am leaving him, but I have started to feel a sense of moral duty as my son's mother to try to get him help, for his own sake. This is so complex because it involves legal, safety, and human decency considerations. Then there is my own hurt and pain to work through. Anger, grief, disgust, despair, sadness. Then there is the fact that he is using today to look at more porn ( just saw his status as logged in on one of his jailbait forms)while I am in our marital bed suffering mentally and physically. Not to throw another fork in the wheel but I also discovered just last night that he also frequents a site with bestiality content. Ughhhh
  22. ^It is possible. He came from a highly dysfunctional home with drug addiction, etc. I hope he gets help someday. I will not be around for that though. He'll have to pursue that on his own.
  23. I thought about that too. Doesn't the idiot realize what a RISK he is taking? Forget worrying about me finding it- he needs to worry about being locked up in jail if he crosses a legal line. He is viewing content that skates on the borderline of barely legal. I also noticed that some sites he belonged to were already shut down.
  24. I know it's not my fault but I can't help but think about "how could I not know". It's overwhelming to think that I spent 20 years of my life with someone who was a living a lie. I wonder if it is possible for him to have every truly cared about me over these 20 years, even for a second. When I look at the Christmas card he recently got me, it really scares me. I'm starting to view him as a sociopath. He lives a lie.
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