BellaDonna

Love without trust and respect isn't enough to keep a relationship alive. It sounds like you have a lot of painful emotions still held inside and that the 2 of you need toseek some professional help if you want to salvage the relationship. Have you tried seeing a marriage counselor?

It sounds like he is definintely bisexual.I don't think his desires for women will ever go away. However, that doesn't mean that it's right for him to hurt your feelings and pursue those desires. Whether male or female, infidelity is infidelity. I sounds like he has not crossed that infidelity line yet- but the porn and strip club obviously bothered you. I think that if you feel you are second best, then the relationship may not be worth pursuing further. Given the fact that you're a "deep" person- you will constantly focus on this and I don't think you'll be able to find true happiness in this situation. If you are Freudian thinker, you know that his desires (ID) will always be there. His personality has already developed fully (according to Freud anyway) and you will not be able to change him. You may need to find someone who is more like yourself (Superego) in order to find happiness. BellaDonna

You are carrying around a pile of negative emotions and dying inside. Even if you don't have a lot of evidence, I think you have enough information to confront him. The distances he's traveling, the money he's been spending, the number you found to the "massage" place, and other things you PMd me about. At this point, what do you have to lose by confronting him? You can't keep going on like this, holding it all inside. I think that is a good idea becasue it sounds like you're entering a depression. You mainly have 2 choices: 1.) Continue to hold it all inside and feel terrible. 2.) Confront him and based upon his reaction a.) Try to save the marriage, and insist he go to counseling with you b.) Leave this relationship I think you should consult a counselor because she/he can help you through this process. Of course, don't go through it alone. Continue to post here and let us know how you're doing. There is also another great forum for surviviing infidelity: link removed There you can talk with other wives and husbands who are in the same situation as you are right now. BellaDonna BellaDonna

I think she should tell her family. You can only hide such a thing for so long. The sooner she tells them, the more time they have to accept the idea and they will be more supportive once the baby arrives. No matter how upset they get, I can't imagine them holding anger toward her or their grandchild, once the baby is born. They'd have to be made of stone if they did not love the baby once she/he is born. Hiding it might also cause her to feel ashamed and resentful about the pregnancy. There are worse things that can happen. She is in college- so at least she's an adult. There are plenty of parents who have children and go to night school. Do you think the baby's father will be there for her? That's going to make a huge difference in the types of support she has. If she does decide to hide it from her parents (which I hope she doesn't)- be sure that she still gets proper prenatal care. I would worry that she would hide it from them, and as part of it, neglect her own health. BellaDonna

Hmmm.... but wouldn't he use company funds or simply direct them to the place and let them pay for it with their own money? I think it would be weird for him to spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars of his own money for the sake of entertaining. Also, he wouldn't want to risk getting his clients in trouble because it is illegal activity going on there (the place even gets raided by the police). He could get the clients and his whole company in trouble. I don't think the average man would risk that when it comes to their job. Also, his wife clearly has a funny feeling about him which led her to look into this/snoop to begin with. Usually those types feelings are on target, especially if you've known and loved someone for a long time (12 years) and can read them.

You could remove money in smaller amounts like you said, or for a faster solution- open a credit card in just your name. Many credit cards will give you checks and cash advances. Observe the behavior for a little longer and see if you notice a pattern to it. Is the withdrawal on a particular day of the week? Is it right after he gets his paycheck? I know that the "massage attendants" (prostitutes) posted their schedules on the website- so if he's seeing a one consistently- he might be going on a particular day of the week. It seems like he feels like he can get away with it because he has control of the money, and also knows where you are- since he takes you to work. How about you check online for withdrawals, and the next day, let him take you to work- but leave early with a friend in their vehicle and see where he goes. BellaDonna

Why bother posting it if you DON'T want advice? I also don't see where anyone called you an "idiot", though I can see that you just called mutliple people "dumbfounded" who were only trying to help you because they did the normal thing and assumed you posted because you wanted advice. So you should replace "dumbfounded" with "concerned", and also re-evaluate why you bothered posting it in the first place if you truly did not want advice. If you don't believe what people are telling you here, check out: link removed

Then they are not the ones for you. You will find someone to love you for who you are, but only if you give yourself the chance. If you kill yourself you gaurentee that you will NEVER meet anyone. Also keep in mind that if you don't love yourself, others will sense it. Many girls are attracted to confidence. If they sense that you don't like yourself, it makes it harder for them to like you. You must first love yourself, and then others will be attracted to you. Don't hate all girls on the basis of the contact you've had with a few. That will only make it HARDER to meet someone. I know that it feels terrible to be lonely and isolated, But instead of cutting yourself, why not do something constructive that will actually HELP the situation. What is it that you LOVE about yourself? If you can't be conviced yourself that you're a worthy human being, then no girl is going to be convinced. BellaDonna

Having worked in a dental office before, I've seen REAL cases like this. I thought maybe it could be a joke, but such cases do exist. Better to assume it's real.... If someone would be lame enough to joke about it on this forum and waste everyone's time, then they should still have their head examined (in place of their teeth).

Very good point. He's got baggage written all over him. However since you have many years invested in this relationship I can see why you're torn by this situation. But don't stay for the sake of habit. I would be very persisant and tell him how you feel. If he REFUSES to even entertain the possiblity of changing, then you'll have a difficult decison to make.

Ah....the kill them with kindness approach...Well I suppose ANYTHING is worth a try at this point, since it drives me crazy I just hope giving the extra attention doesn't reinforce the rude behavior and make it seem socially acceptable. We'll see I guess....

Hey there. I'm sorry you're still going through this. You must be devastated. It sounds like he's really disconnected himself from you and is taking you for granted badly. All I can say is that this man had no problem wasting hundreds of dollars on cheap trills/legalized prostitution, so why not withdraw some money for you and hire a Private Investigator to follow him. If you think that's the only way you can confront him with confidence, then go for it. A PI will be able to get times, photos of his car, etc so there would be NOTHING he could say to get out of it then. And at this point I think spending the money on a PI is a better investment than the one he's been making with your money. I truly hope your situation improves, BellaDonna

Oh no....it sounds like this man is VERY FAR GONE..... I fear the worst.... It also sounds like he might feel a little guilty....especially if he's saying "after all she's been through" etc. Maybe he feels guilty for exisiting and he thinks that her life would be easier if she didn't have him to raise. Maybe he's trying to make up for it now. Whatever the motivation is, it's not healthy. I agree that you might want to try saying that. Though it sounds like he's on the defense and brainwashed. If you can't get through to him, just remember that there are plenty of other guys that would probably love to spend time with you (without their moms). BellaDonna

I worked as a dental assistant for 4 years while funding my college education. One of the first things I notice about a guy is his teeth (prboably because I worked in that field for a while) If you have a dentist that makes jokes about you, then I suggest you find another one. If you're really embarrassed, try going to a clinic instead of a private practice. The dentists in clinics tend to see many more situtations like yours. I would suggest seeking care for this ASAP. If you keep this up, gum disease can lead to bone loss and then you'll have a problem getting dentures to even stay in your mouth. You should brush at LEAST once per day (3 times per day is ideal) and have your teeth cleaned every 6 months. I have an appointment to get mine cleaned tomorrow. I couldn't imagine going without it. Also, the more you take care of your teeth the less it hurts when you go to get them cleaned. If you floss every day, you will eventually toughen your gums up and they won't bleed as much, if at all. If you keep your teeth relatively clean, they won't HAVE to dig into your gums to clean them. It sounds like you would need a few good cleanings- and then a treatment plan to get you where you want to be looks wise. If you are afraid it will hurt- try going to an office where they administer nitrous oxide (happy gas). Good luck, BellaDonna

Yikes....I can't think of anything worse than a momma's boy. Keep in mind there is a difference between a real man who loves and respects him mother, however there are those that are sickly tied to their mother's apron strings...... I don't think you're asking him to give up his relationship with his mother. I think you just want your time with him to be YOUR time. That is quite understandable. She should also care about him enough to let him "be a man" instead of tagging along on dates. It does sound unhealthy. How about you try asking him if he can be sure to take his mother to the store long BEFORE it's time for you to go out. Let him know you like his mother and value the close relationship they have, but you would like some time with him alone. (I mean, if you're going to be in a sexual relationship she CAN'T be around during "romantic" times) It's perfectly fine for the 3 of you to do things together- but have those events scheduled separateLY from yours and his time. If he cannot manage to make time for the both of you then it might be wise to leave the relationship. Marriage and children will only worsen it. She may want to plan the entire wedding and complain that she does not see the grandkids enough. If she's the type with the mentality that "no one is good enough for HER son" you'll always hear how you should be cooking, cleaning, how HE likes things, and how to be a better parent. I saw this happen to my own aunt, until she was finally led to divorce. Sad thing is, she really LOVED her husband, but just couldn't take it anymore. Unless you get it under control now, the future could be grim. Again, you're not asking him to give up his mom (that would be unreasonable), you're just asking him to manage his time in a healthy manner that will work for EVERYONE involved. Speak up now, or this will always be an issue. Good luck to you! BellaDonna

It definitely is a theory. Let's define a theory: "A set of statements or principles devised to explain a group of facts or phenomena, especially one that has been repeatedly tested or is widely accepted and can be used to make predictions about natural phenomena." Evolutionary Psychology is ONE way to explain human behavior. Yes it has been tested and there is evidence that some of it's principles are scientifically sound. But keep in mind that no research is 100% free from experimenter and subject bias. The research you refer to about women during ovulation which was conducted in Scotland and Japan, is the result of researchers showing women pictures and surveying them at different times of their cycle. Anytime you rely on SURVEY data there is a risk of invalidities in the study. Perhaps I'm the wrong person to debate this with because there will never be an end..... I completed my master's in Psychology, I look at all research with a careful eye, don't use the word "proof" in my vocabulary, and also oppose evolutionary perspectives of human behavior because I think the environment is far more important. Now I must go. Every moment I type here is precious time that my eggs are not getting fertilized. I'm going to put on some pheromone cologne so I can go find a hot, buff biker-dude to sleep with so I can fulfill my genetic destiny. (Hey I could get used to this THEORY....)

Maybe she is not the way she described herself to be online, and now she's afraid to meet you in person. Maybe she does not have that much self-confidence. The rain may have been a convenient answer for her to use the last time. Just a guess.

I think those were the 2 most important things that you've said. If I were in your shoes, I would not invest too much into a person that had a negative start. Usually the warining signs of incompatability show up early. Not to mention, if this is behavior that reminds you of an ex, you certainly don't want to re-live the past. You can still find "good and new" elsewhere, while allowing yourself to escape further hurt from this situation.

Very well said. I would also add that Modern Life is very different from Stone Age life. If all men are set out to spread their sperm to young fertile women then I guess many of them are not getting it right because they are wearing condoms and sleeping with women on birth control. Why do men get vasectomies or choose not to have children? If their ultimate unconscious goal is to spread their seed, Modern men must be dumb then. I mean, why would they want oral sex so much, it's not going to result in a pregnancy. (CALL TO ALL WOMEN- don't bother giving oral sex anymore, your man's desire for it is a facade, he is really only here to get you pregnant) To reduce men as sperm shooters is quite degrading to the "species" and eliminates free will from the picture. Again, an evolutionary perspective has it place with other THEORIES...but it's important to realize that it is just a THEORY....not an absolute flawless dogma from which we can stereotype all of humanity. If we're all just trying to survive and to spead our genes, does that mean murder, rape, and racism is ok? Of course biology plays a role in behavior, but to reduce the human experience only to biologial factors is absurd. We're born into an environment and both nature and nurture work together to shape us. To ignore the aspects of life that make us different from monkeys, such as love, morality, and sprituality, and call them a "facade" is inaccurate. A facade is defined as an artifical and deceiptful front, if morality is such a front, why have centuries and centuries of humans written about morality? Why have people died for their faith as martyrs (killing themselves and their sperm?) If it's only a fake cover-up, why are we so passionate about it? I don't want to steer this post away from the issue at hand, which is a women distressed about her husband's obsession with "teen" porn. All I can say is that if I were in her shoes, I would not accept the excuse that it's ok for her husband to do this, even when it bothers her, because he is simply "being a man", and men want to look at 18-22 year olds because they're good targets to shoot sperm at. Give me a break! lol BellaDonna

That's an evolutionary perspective, ONE way of looking at it- however it leaves out important factors such as social influence, morality, etc. which make us different from simply being animals/species. I wouldn't stereotype that "All men or any age" want to look at 18-22 year-olds, nor would I think it was an acceptable reason for this husband's behavior.

I have a very good friend who is white and dating an African American man. Her mother is giving her Hell over the relationship, and she thinks it's strictly race-related. I think the best way to assess the situation is to come right out and ASK your family if that's what their problem with him is. It's hard to talk people out of years of stereotypes and discriminatory beliefs, but you can certainly make it known that you think your parents behavior is unacceptable and shallow. I would tell your parents that they obviously are not "caring for you" if they're going to kick you out based on simply dating a person. They are passing judgement before anything has even happened. Tell them that all race aside, you would expect your own blood to care for you, and right now he's doing a better job at it then they are. Tell them they are not setting a good example for their grandchild if they teach her to discriminate against others based on the color of their skin. Don't let your parents behavior speak for the rest of society. Sure, there are small-minded people out there that will have a problem with it- but they are not even worth worrying about. If this is someone you truly like and want to try dating, and it feels right, follow your heart.

I can see why you would be bothered by it. Even though they may be of legal age, they are marketed as "teens" and it's disturbing. However, I don't think it's "abnormal" for an older man to want to look at younger women- Men are very visual. They do this same sort of thing in strip clubs, etc, so it's probably better that it's online and not in person. I guess you have to look at how often he does this and whether it is an "addiction" or not, and if he appears to be checking out "teens" in real life. If he has to look at this type of material all of the time, then I would think there is something a little off. The only positive thing I can see is that he doesn't hide it from you, so it could just be a fantasy he's trying to share.

In my job, part of my duties when working with a client is to offer career counseling. I've noticed a trend which is hard for me to ignore and which has become very very annoying. 1.) Students well over 18 often arrive to appointments with their parents. I can tell the parents have "forced themselves" into the appointments, and all they do is interrupt their kids and tell them what they "should" be doing which makes their appointment with me ineffective. 2.) Women sometimes show up with their husbands. 99% of the time the husband is not in a supporting role, but interrupts, negates what his wife is saying, etc. This morning I had a client whose husband interrupted the both of us during the appointment several times. He even told this wife she "didn't know what the Hell she was doing" and started criticizing her. It's hard for me to sit there when some people are clearly possessive/sexist, yet at the same time I MUST maintain professional behavior and try to ignore it. I guess when you deal with the public you will invetiably come accross such people, but it makes it much harder to do my job when there's possessive parents/spouses that try to dominate the whole time and won't let the client and I accomplish what we need to. This is what I have done so far to try to minimize this, ANY OTHER TIPS WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED: *When a parent/spouse acts overbearing/rude, I no longer make eye contact with them. During the appointment I will continue to look only in the eyes of the client and verbally address him/her directly. *I refuse to refer to the client in the 3rd person when he/she is right there in front of me (yet the overbearing parent/spouse always tries to do this.) * If the client is interrupted, I will then ask, "I'm sorry (name), what were you saying, again? I didn't get to hear the whole thing". Keep in mind that I have had some parents/spouses that have been excellant during appointments- but the majority have been rude and I get the feeling they force their way into the appointment. I also can't tell clients that they can't take someone else, because some of the clients I help have disabilities and like to have an advocate, parent, or spouse with them to help. However, I wish I could weed out the rude people. I find it harder and harder to do my job and just sit there and watch another person be degraded. Help!

I would leave that one alone. Every relationship is different and for some people long distance relationships can work. If she was feeling vulnerable/lonely- you may have had a chance, but she would just end up being hurt in the end, and since you're leaving soon anyway, there would really be no point. Even if she liked you and wanted to consider seeing you, you'd just leave her in the same predicament and you'd be far away just like the guy in Spain. If you want a fling before you leave, it's probably best to find someone who isn't already taken. (Who knows, maybe you'll end up in a LONG DISTANCE relationship yourself if you meet someone and really like them )

You handled it perfectly. Hopefully he'll get the message sooner or later (let's hope sooner). If your e-mail service allows you to block particular addresses, you may want to block his all together.