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Rainz

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  1. Rainz
    Wow, this post moved me to tears when I read it. Though I've not posted for some time, I always check in and have a read of other people's posts and threads. I can relate to so much of what you wrote in this letter Frisco, it's so touching.
  2. Rainz
    Seems to be a common theme with exes. I guess that's where something like full NC right from the point of the break up comes in. You can't be anyone's safety net. Sounds familiar See I just dont get that. To me, telling your SO you're in love with them is a very heavy statement. There are certain things that to me you just do not say unless you fully mean it. Weird to me, if I didn't want to be with someone I would not even slightly do anything that might mean the opposite, let alone tell them I'm in love with them! But that's just me. Yep. What else can you do?....That's all we can do eh..?
  3. Rainz
    Smiles and Orlander, I'm a woman. We don't heal differently. I think healing it's more down to individuals than it is male/female. I'm now on my fourth major break up right now and it's taken me the best part of year to start feeling "like myself" again. Your ex's behaviour since you're break up is not at all typical of myself or the women that I'm close with, nowhere near. In all honesty, personally, for me I know how even the thought of someone new is impossible for me to bear for a while, much less to start a relationship. I think if they ever felt an authentic connection and feelings for you and the relationship that they just couldnt have the capacity in their heart to move into something so serious so soon. On this forum I read so much about people breaking up and moving straight into something new, me personally I truly cannot see where these individuals are coming from when they do this. Only that their feelings dissipated before the break up and that's why they're able to move on. From what I've observed in my exeriences and those around me, and I'm not generalising. I've seen moreso, that the women grieve far longer and harder more so than the guys, and the guys have always been the ones to rebound or move on quickly. With the odd exception here and there. Hence why I'd generally says the way a person deals with their break up/healing is pretty much down to who they are. After close to a year I'm only just now feeling like I could handle a little bit of light dating, and even then it has to be light.
  4. Rainz
    Sorry Fallback that you've had so many crisis's all pretty much on top of one another. Your best friend marrying your ex? I can't even comprehend that type of thing though I know it does happen. It seems where you're at right now, things couldn't possibly get worse? So although it's probably looking like a really long tunnel at the moment, there has to be a light somewhere down the end of it. Betrayal, I personally don't think you ever really get over it like what you say, slowly but surely you get through it. Do you think your ex could have been in contcat with your best friend before you 2 split up?
  5. Rainz
    I understand what you're saying here and that you don't mean it in a horrible way (re: not intelligent enough or lack of common sense) I think this would have saved me a lot of trouble if I had gone with my gut instinct and left when I knew it probably wasn't going to work out. I just don't think she had the depth and maturity that I probably needed. I see what you're saying she wasn't as in tune to you like the other exes it seems.I was able to continue on because she was SO into me and loved me so much...words cannot describe how she lavished attention on me and flattered my ego. It's hard to leave something like that...and I should have. I did love her a great deal though, but there was always that conflict in me about her and if nothing else...I am relieved not to be feeling it anymore. I wasn't ready, as a person, for her love, but I am definitely ready now for the love of someone who can love me. Yes, I DO want her to be happy. In my opinion, the relationship just would NOT have worked out...[ QUOTE]but I have a history of not being able to let go after being dumped and it's something I need to work on. I'm the same, so I can so relate to that.I've been following your posts on here for a while and your efforts at healing and moving on, from your posts, are inspiring and positive to me. Good on you, see how far you have come? For myself I'm probably just at the stage where the prospect of light friendly mingling and dating doesn't seem so frightening now.
  6. Rainz
    Sorry to hear that this news is having such an effect on you. An ex getting engaged has a sense of finality about it. That she will be going into a commitment of marriage etc....so she's gone. At the same time you will face it and over come it and you seem to have the right outlook so far. One thing stood out to me in one of your posts though, that it was a month after you started seeing that you first felt you wouldn't fall in love with her. How then were you able to continue on in the relationship? Was it that you thought your feelings would develop in time? Despite the effect it's having on you she deserves to be with someone who is in love with he as I'm sure you know. Not that you're negating that either, it just seems odd to me that knowing your feelings for werent what they should have been, you're feeling it right now just knowing how much she's moving on. My last relationship wasn't that long compared to those of you that were with your exes for years. With that break up my ex finished with me and months later the last I knew he hadn't moved on in terms of dating etc at all. Just like myself. I really feel it for those of you where your ex has just rebounded or jumped right into something new while you're going through the intial months of breaking up.
  7. Rainz
    Awww, I totally understand that feeling and that place. Because I'm there right now, 9 months since my break up with my ex. I'm only now just in the last couple of weeks or so feeling like I could date if someone I liked came my way. At least you have been dating so that is still some progress, despite nothing developing from it. It can get you down especially when your social life and opportunities to meet others are minimal. I can so relate to how you feel about wanting a family Orlander, because I'm the same and have wanted a family of my own for the longest time now. I wish I could say more positive things to you but I'm only just getting ahead of my own situation right now. You're an attractive guy Orlander and you seem to have so much to offer, like what Friscoe said perhaps just try to "let go" of the whole, relationship, dating etc etc....thing. I've been doing that, and focussing on me and doing what I want and I noticed that I've been having a few pangs of feeling down here and there but not the periods of depression like I was justa few weeks back even. I've been getting attention recently as well, so I guess I must be giving out a vibe of receptiveness etc..as opposed to the closed off-ness that I was probably exuding while going through the break up. Orlander,no-one know what's going to happen. You never know what's around the corner. That's what I tell myself when I find myself getting scared about my future, and will I meet someone who can connect with me near like what my ex did etc. If there are other people in relationships, and they're happy and happy familes etc then I should be able to achieve that too.
  8. Rainz
    I've been keeping tabs of this thread but not posting. I was so sad to read of William's passing. I remember his posts being so full of warmth, very articulate and I felt like I could feel the weight of his pain when reading his posts.
  9. Rainz
    All alone, I'm sorry that you're going through this. Sounds very similar to my most recent break up so I can so relate. It's now 8 months later for me, we periods of NC, LC. Me breaking NC hime breaking NC, heavy emotional talks ending up with us both in tears....all this time nothing has changed. No cheating, no serious flaws like what you say...we ran into some issues and developed a few differences and during the middle of an arugment he ended it. I think it's worse than when somone does something to betray you, because you think why couldn't we just work it out or try to work it out. After all this time I'm now focussing more on me and my future and though I have my moments and relapses and miss my ex. Someone who doesn't want to try and work through things when it gets challenging isn't who I want to be with. I've never tried so hard with anyone in my life and despite things being a bit wobbly we could have woprked through those issues. He didn't want to. Like you after so long of even trying to find that sort of a relationship....I don't know what it's now going to take for me to put myself out there abnd let someone else in. How do you even trust someone again after all that? I don't know.....Sorry I can't be more positive. Just know that you're not alone and that someone lse out there can truly relate to your pain and your experience.
  10. Rainz
    I guess some people's feelings are fickle and others aren't. I'm a woman and not once in any of my relationship experiences have I made such bold statements such as I'm in love with you, you're my soulmate etc...to then 180 and back pedal on them. I have had similar experiences from guys as well. As I'm not wired up that way, like you that behaviour makes no sense to me whatsoever. I don't understand it or get it. I think when people's feeling suddenly just drastically change over night, or from one extreme to the other in a really short space of time, then they were probably never truly there in the first place. I'm not someone who is quick to say things like I'm in love, you feel like my soulmate etc because when I say those things, for me I HAVE to mean it and feel it. If the feeling isn't there, the words will not depart from my mouth.
  11. Rainz
    For me, in all the relationships bar one last year, I've had were with guys who expressed their romantic interest from the start, and made a move and relationships grew from there. Guys that I have as friends some of them when I first met them expressed a romantic interest in me and I didn't feel the same way and never have. Mostly for me if I'm interested it will be there from the off. Last year I had my first experience of becoming involved with a guy who I'd known for years as a very casual aquaintance. It was my break up experience of him that lead me to Enotalone actually.
  12. Rainz
    Agreed! Couldn't have said it better myself.....if you can't deal with the consequences that come with breaking someone's heart, then don't break it! (I know it's not a cut and dry as that as well).
  13. Rainz
    I don't think the point is being missed at all. This can be achieved with NC also. Doing NC for yourself to regroup and find yourself again, get back to being you can lead you to that realisation. .. Many of the people on here posting about their break ups have been very badly heartbroken and hurt by their exes, and are trying to heal from such destructive experiences. Hence "wallowing in misery for months". Getting past that emotional trauma for a lot of people takes time of grieving. It isn't unusual for grieving to go on for months. Not only that after being given such an emotional blow and still having such strong feelings for your ex, it's not at all uncommon for people to be that hurt and heartbroken that they just cannot find it in themselves to date or even be interested in meeting people. That's good that's what's worked for you if dating around is what you want to do. Not everyone is up for that. I know the guys I've met lately interacting with them and talking to them so far they just end up making me miss my ex even more because they just don't pique my interest. So for me that tells me that I'm not ready for dating right now. I need to continue focussing on me and doing NC. Not everyone is looking for a quick fix. I do agree though that when you're genuinely happy, you project that and attract happiness back.
  14. Rainz
    Yep. I can definitely relate to that. I don't have many girl friends who aren't single, and even though a few of them have gone through recent break-ups. They've got their kids to deal with and think about, adjusting to being single Mum's and are just into their own lives of domesticity. There are times where I feel like an afterthought and it can just make you feel isolated. I think it's partly to do with being in your 30's where people tend to have started their families etc and aren't so much into going around in large groups of friends like in your teens and early 20's. I can go ages without seeing talking to my girlfriends these days. As they don't make as much effort to call and check in and arrange nights out etc. I've also made myself less available...however as soon as there's a crisis or they need something we'll see how quick they call, email or text... I'm at a place right now where I'm putting me first. More recently my guy friends are calling me, emailing me and checking in on me far more than my girlfriends are. Also I try to spend time with family or try and find other things to do with my time that don't include my girl friends. Or so called friends. I've also been hearing other 30 something singles say the same thing, I just think society as well nowadays is more about every person for his/herself as opposed to community.
  15. Rainz
    Agreed! Not my style either. Not to say that meeting new guys once I feel ready to "put myself out there again" doesn't help etc.....however sexual relations are purely for commiteted relationships as far as my life goes.
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