BellaDonna

I don't think you should take it personally. Does she have a stressful job, or is she a student doing a lot of work???? I have to admit- there have been some times in my life where I have been EXHAUSTED. This mainly happened to me when I was in grad school. I felt like I was running on a hamster wheel and if I had a chance to sit or lay down, I was out like a light. You really CAN'T HELP IT if you feel that way...she's telling the truth....it physically overcomes you. In my days of exhaust I was "too tired" for watching TV, and sometimes even too tired for sex, my husband would get offended. Gladly, those days are over, now that I am under much less stress. The best advice I can give is to be sure she is getting enough sleep at night and getting the proper nutirition. If she seems to be tired like this for no apparant reason, all the time , and you don't think it's due to stress and it starts to interfere with her lifestyle, there could be a medical explanation such as an underactive thyroid or chronic fatigue syndrome, but that would be extreme. From what you wrote I don't think it has anything to do with you, though I completely understand why it would start to annoy you. Let her know how you feel. Though I think if she lost interest in you she would not be consenting to watching a movie with you. She probably has good intentions but just simply can't stay awake. When you need to sleep the cortisol levels in your body change, and there is really nothing you can do to stop it, it simply overcomes you. -BellaDonna

I am so sorry to hear about your heartache. His behavior sounds bizarre and misleading. Was he ever married before? From the way you described him he sounded like the classic case of the married or recently divorced man who meets a younger woman , and when the relationship starts getting more serious, runs away because he wants a single "carefree" lifestyle. Either that or he can just be the kind of individual that likes a chase, and then when he finally catches the prize, he loses interest. These would all be faults in HIM, and nothing that you did wrong. Also, somehting sounds a little fishy to me. I don't want to give you bad painful thoughts, but I have to say what pops right out to me... are you SURE this job of his really has him work all those hours or is he seeing (chasing) someone else. It almost sounds like he's leading a double life, especially with the holiday scenerio..... Regardless, just know that you did nothing wrong. I think you did a very smart thing by telling him to stay home if you were not going to be a priority for his time. I think you can find someone who feels mutual feelings for you, instead of this confused man, with his mysterious/questionable bahavior. You should not have to convince someone to spend time with you and love you. It's probably going to be hard for you to let go of him because it was a friendship first and you had a lot of history, but you simply won't be able to open yourself up to the wonderful possibilities of life until you let him go. The more time you spend dedicating to him, the more likely you are to miss the "right one" when he comes along. Warm wishes to you and I hope your broken heart heals quickly, BellaDonna

It sounds like while his body might be ready, his mind has not reached a level of maturity to be "ok" with expressing his sexuality. I think as long as you are understanding and don't laugh at him, etc. He'll get better with time. (Though it must be hard not not to laugh if your man gets off and then runs behind a piece of furniture) He's lucky you're such a caring partner. Also some people are brought up to think that sexual experimenting is "wrong" or "shameful", if he is one of these individuals then it might take him a little longer to warm up. Maybe you can let him know it "turns you on" when he gets off. Guys love to hear things like that. If he thinks that pleasing him also pleases you, he may get an ego boost aand feel more enthuisatic about it and more comfortable around you. I hope you don't let him run away and hide without him getting you off first..... Good luck.... -BellaDonna P.S. What do you think would happen if you followed him behind the couch next time?

My husband and I didn't have sex on our wedding night. We were leaving early in the morning for our honeymoon the next day, so when we got home we just opened our evelopes and counted our $$$$$. We were both really tired from a loooooong day and full from eating at the reception and both drunk too. So we broke that tradition, but we made up for lost time on the honeymoon. Another thing we forgot to do was put the top of our wedding cake in the freezer to save for the first anniversary. we were so tired and disoriented we left the box on the couch only to find the cat licking frosting the next morning. Weddings are NEVER as romantic as they appear on TV.... -BellaDonna

Kbelles, As a strong woman whp does not take any crap....my initial reaction to what happened to you was one of anger and like some of the others, I immediately thought: LEAVE THIS GUY!!!! When I next read that you've only dated a year and that he had 2 kids from another woman already and that you are only 19 years-old....my reaction was further solidified. But I am not in your situation, I am an objective source looking at this from the outside. I realize that you love this man. Love is blind....Your love for him will not let you see the potential danger you can be putting yourself in. He was not thinking of his love for you when he violated and degraded you like that. And do you realize that you are blaming yourself and trying to re-victimize yourself by saying that you consented to rough sex before. That has NO BEARING on what happened to you, Kbelles. You are not responsible for any of it. You need to put the blame where it belongs. All I can say is that you are an adult and seem like a very caring person. I am not going to judge you....All I can advise is that if you plan to stay with this man (which you apparently do) then you need to proceed with EXTREME CAUTION. You should not even give him the time of day until you both are in intense therapy....that does not guarentee that he will get better ever, either. But if you are going to stay it is worth a try. It's the best you can do in the worst situation (which would be you staying with him). Also, it sounds like he had a tough childhood, but he is an adult now...and EXCUSES such as "zoning out" because fo the past are NOT ACCEPTABLE for physically and mentally attacking others. There are many killers who claim that they have "zoned out" when brutally murdering someone.... I would be very cautious and honestly would worry if you did indeed ever marry this man and had kids with him. I know you said he was gentle with his kids, but what if he "zones out" again one day???????????? YOu have NO GUARENTEE THAT HE WON'T. Also keep in mind that the "gentle" behavior he showed you after he sexually abused you is VERY COMMON behavior for abusers. Although he may have been sincere when he said he was sorry and felt bad- his behavior was TEXTBOOK CASE of an abuser who tries to romance/console their own victim after a violant episode. Sadly, in most cases, even after the gentle apology, the violent behavior HAPPENS AGAIN. He is showing you the signs of the person he really is right now- it is your decision to take those signs and do what you wish with them. I'm wondering what kind of hold he has on you. I'm starting to think that you may have low self-esteem and low self-worth to even consider staying with such a person. You need to look deep inside yourself and ask if this is what you truly want. Don't stay with him because you are afraid you won't meet anyone else. The choices you make now will affect you the rest of your life. All I can say is that if you do stay with him, you must make him be in intense therapy....even that is no guarentee, but if you take him back without him having to do ANYTHING to address this problem, you will definitely be revictimized again. I am truly wishing the best for you, regardless of what you choose. Please let us know how this turns out. -BellaDonna

I have 2 female friends that contracted HPV...both from men that DIDN'T tell them that they had it.... I think you are doing the brave and right thing by telling your partners. Both of my friends have struggled each time they met a new partner and had to tell....however they both seem to keep the guys once they tell. I agree with the others that you should mention it if sexual intimacy seems to be something you are ready to move on to in the relationship. If I were in his situation (and assuming he is not very informed about the topic already) I suppose what I'd want to know is: How is it contracted? What are the symptoms? How can you prevent him from getting it? If you had brochures or online info about it to give him, that might be easier than you having to do all the explaining about the medical aspects yourself. I hope this helps, Godd Luck! -BellaDonna

If she used the Depo Provera shot for birth control, it is not uncommon for her period to have stopped. I had responded to your other post about sex that hurts and after reading this one it is even more clear why sex might hurt for this woman: if she is getting infections and having sex...that would be very painful. She's basically getting re-iritated every time. I think she needs to get another opinion from a different OB-GYN. If she is getting infections every month, that is concerning and probably not very pleasant for her. You should also get checked out- men can contract bacteria from yeast infections, many times without symptoms, and be a carrier, re-infecting their partner. Also, is she using any products that are harsh/irritating to her...a particular soap, bubble bath, etc? Could she be allergic to condoms, if you're using them? It is not healthy to have infections on a monthly basis....something must be causing it. I think she'll get better with the proper medical treatment...and perhaps you'll both need to take anitbiotics to clear it up. If she keeps using over-the-counter remedies...it will only cure it temporarily. She'll need to get to the source of the infections, whether it is her giving it to you and vice versa, or a product she is using, or an allergy etc. I don't think what she is experiencing is "normal" or comes wiht the territory of being female...not if it is happening chronically and interfering with her lifestyle. I don't want to scare you, but in extreme cases, untreated infections can lead to Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. One other thing: I had a friend who had constant bladder infections. She seemed to get one a day following sexual intercourse. She went to see a urologist and he found that she had a small tear in ther unrinary tract that was very sensitve to normal bateria. He prescribed her an antibiotic to take 1 hour before she had sex, as preventative measure. That seemed to do the trick with her. Your partner seems to have more going on- since she is getting both bladder infections and yeast infections....but bacteria is the common factor in both types. I really think you partner needs to get another doctor's opinion about this immediately. Once it is taken care of, I'm sure your sex life will improve.

The others are right- this will differ with every woman you meet....and can even differ every time you have sex with the same women, depending on the time of the month. There are certian time in a cycle where women are more sensitive in general. I know for me, somedays I will like it a lot harder- and then other days, that same movement will actually hurt. The best way to find out if it feels good is to simply ask. Also, you had questioned if the average penis will hit a woman's cervix...the answer is that it can, depending on the angle. I don't know how to explain this except by saying that the cervix is not vertically deep within the vagina, as you may think. The vaginal canal does not go straight up towards a woman's stomach, either. It is more on an angle, and the cervix isn't necessarily at the very end of it. Just think of the methods of birth control that rely covering the cervix: diaphrams and sponges have to be placed over the cervix.... and the average woman can easily reach the cervix to use a diaphram or a sponge, with her finger. The cervix is not the only thing that can "hurt" if sex is too aggressive...if there's not enough lubrication it can be very painful to the delicate outside skin as well. You need to make sure you are communicating with your partner, to be sure that you are not hurting her. There's nothing worse than sex that hurts....it's pointless and all intimacy is lost...not to mention you can be sure she is thinking "When the **** is it going to be over?" Just my .02 cents.... -BellaDonna

I don't think you have anything to be concerned about. I slept with a particular blanket until I was about 16. Then one day I decided it was time to retire it, so I put it in a drawer. I'm 25 and I still have it in a drawer....I won't get rid of it. Every night I sleep with my cat...which is considered more "socially acceptable" I guess because it is a living creature....and it doesn't look as werid if my husband sees me sleeping with a cat (rather than a child's blanket). I think the need to sleep with something comforting is very common, and you'd probably be surprised how many people still do it (at any age). As for drinking out of the small cartons, I think you could easily pass that one off by saying "I get full easily, so I like smaller portions". If you told me you still used a pacifier I'd be a little concerned, but what you mentioned seems quite normal.... Besides who says you need to grow up anyways .... -BellaDonna

d346, As a newlywed and having had the recent experience of planning a wedding- I would say follow your feelings and have those closest to you be in your wedding party. Perhaps you can include his sisters in some other way- as was previously suggested, maybe have them do a reading....etc. It's good that you are thinking ahead about these things now....because they can and will become a problem if they are not addressed. Does your partner know that you already have bridesmaids picked out and that they are NOT his sisters? Plant that seed now- because you don't want any confusion later. You don't want him or his mother getting the sisters to think they will be bridemaids, only to disappoint them later. I think the principal behind the matter here is very important: If you let his family and what they "want" dictate your wedding, you are not going to be a happy bride. Also, if you give them a "say" now it's almost as if you've given them a free pass to interfere in other parts of your relationship and potential marriage. Antoher important factor: Think about how the wedding will be paid for, if his family contributes the majority of the $$$$ and if they are controlling....a power-relation is created and they can use that as leverage....so be careful. From past experience, my best advice to you would be to try to pay for as much of it as you can (to keep other people's influence OUT) and also make it clear what you want right now- to avoid any difficulties in the future. By they way...this is just the beginning....just wait until people start trying to take over your invitation list and when they call you complaining about where they want to sit. The wedding is SUPPOSED to be about the couple and their love and commitiment...but in almost all families, relatives somehhow distort that. ELOPE! ... By the time my husband and I were done with the wedding planning our heads were going to explode and we were very cranky and annoyed . All I can say is THANK GOD for the honeymoon!!!!!! 8) -BellaDonna

Well, I know it would be nice to say that you have a "real LV bag"....but in this case, if I were in your shoes, I would let this one go. Chances are, either your BF was deceived when buying it, OR he wants so bad to impress you and make you happy and for you to have the real thing- but simply can't AFFORD it- so he's hoping you'll think it's real. OR maybe it is real. Sometimes it's hard to tell with those things. If the bag can serve it's purpose: holding your belongings....then why not use it? I think if it were a fake engagement ring that he was trying to pass for a diamond it would be a little more serious and warrant some action. But this is one, small gift. I think it was a sweet gesture for him to buy it and his intentions were good. That's just my .02 cents.

The advice the others have given is good. Unfortunately you can't really pick and choose where to take the pounds off. Cardiovascular exercise helps to burn fat in general, and you can tone in specific areas. Be careful with weight training, because you are still young and growing, you don't want to over-stress your muscles. Light weight training is good at your age and you don't need expensive equipment. You can buy some ankle weights and use them for low impact floor exercises. There are many types of cardiovascular exerise to choose from too. I think it's important to keep things interesting by trying different exercises and challenging yourself. One day you may want to run for cardio, the next day you may want to use a bike, or another day, an aerobics tape. It all depends on what you like. You don't want your exercise to feel like "torture".... or become boring. I lost a lot of weight recently and variety is what has worked for me. I have to say, of all the tapes I've tried, Taebo has been great for toning my behind. The workouts are high-energy cardio, but also invlove a lot of kicks to not only work your heart, but work your muscles. I've had many a sore butt from doing those tapes! And exercise is only half of it, the other half is in the kitchen. Do not starve yourself under any circumstances. The key is to feed your body often but give it healthy, high-quality foods. Good Luck! -BellaDonna