BellaDonna

To me that sounds like a legitimate reason to be a little jealous. (I wouldn't like it if my husband did that) I think there are healthy levels of jealousy. However, what's unhealthy is acting on them. If you have to confront your partner about every jealous feeling you have- it will ruin the relationship. Then there's extreme jealousy, Example: I have a cousin whose boyfriend calls her literally every 10 minutes when she's not with him and hassles her when she wants to go out. To me that crosses the line from jealousy to possessiveness. I think extreme jealousy/possessiveness is directly related to self-esteem. I think you shoudl tell your partner how you feel, without "setting boundaries" per se. Then see how it goes.

I think she does this because she cares about you- but she's not going about it in the right way. Or she may be jealous of you and she needs to put you down so she can feel better. All in all- I don't think she's purposely being hurtful. Let her know how you feel and if it continues then you may need to answer her back in a witty manner to affrim your position as a young adult. I would say, "13 was old enough for you, have the rules changed?" (Not that I agree with 16 year-olds drinking alcohol, but I'm trying to be objective based on the way you said you feel.) She may need a reminder of her own behavior. Thank him for thinking of you, but do not accept the gifts. You can take a stand without being mean. Only asnwer her back when she antagonizes you. Tell her she is acting immature. Start calling her "child" when she acts like that. Good luck, BellaDonna

I would come right out and ask her if sex was a factor in her decision for ending the relationship. Then be sure to tell her that you think she is very attractive and what happened didn't have anything to do with her, and that you're working on it. I think that is a little bizarre. I mean I'm sure it may have been an uncomfortable situation, but nothing that should evoke fear or being "afraid". If she's going to freak out over it then maybe she's not the one for you. She sounds a little shallow....

marthceleb, I was going to ask you the same thing. You don't have to PM the address to me if you don't want to, but if you feel comfortable with doing so- I'd like to see it. You can probably tell a lot about the place just from the site. BellaDonna

Ok, if you don't know any men that can find out for you then there are some other options: These will probably sound strange, but I think you can get your info this way: 1.) You can call from a payphone or go there and ask if women are allowed. Tell them you were thinking of getting a "gift for your boyfriend". Make them think you'rea bisexual swinger, ask if you can "come along". You might get answers. 2.) If they have an e-mail address, send an e-mail from a fake account which sounds like a man's name. In the e-mail ask if they have a website or brochure summarizing their "services". Again, I think the best bet would be to go there and ask, because if something illegal is going on they won't want to disclose via phone or e-mail. (But people can also be quite STUPID sometimes so they might just give you the info over the phone) If you do go, bring a friend and be careful I think you need proof so that your husband CAN'T say you're out of your mind. If he's lying and you present him with hard proof- all he can do then is choke on his words in shock, and perhaps beg for your forgiveness, BellaDonna

Try doing what you did here: Write it all down and give it to her in a letter or e-mail. That will ensure that you say what you need to say, without screaming. Tell her how it makes you FEEL when she acts like this. You have a right to be upset if she is taking your time and your schedule (ultimately YOU) for granted by being inconsiderate. Good Luck! BellaDonna

shes2smart, Very well stated! That's all I have to say (for now anyway....)

This must be a difficult situation. Even though you were not married, you were together so long that this is similar to a divorce. As difficult as it might be, I would suggest ending contact with your ex's family. It will only make it harder for you to move on otherwise. No Contact with your ex won't be effective unless you cut off any connections to her as well (which includes her family).

I've been on birth control pills for about 9 years. I didn't really notice weight gain, except for feeling really bloated with water-weight around the time you get your period. That's about the only difference I have noticed since I've been on it. To avoid weight gain under any circumstances eat a healthy well balanced diet, and be sure to exercise. Eating well and exercising can also be a mood booster. When I first began taking the pill, my doctor had to switch me to a different type of pill because the first one she prescribed wasn't the right hormone level so it gave me headaches. But since switching to the other type I've been fine for 9 years. You are experiencing symptoms only 2 days after taking the pill? Be sure to take it on a full stomach, or it might make you feel queasy if you have a sensitive stomach. Are you sure it's the pill that's making you feel bad, or is it worrying about the Endometriosis? It sounds like there's a lot going on that would legitimately lower your mood besides just taking the pill. Give it a chance and see how you feel with time. The pill can cause mood swings- but it's hard ot tell in this situation because you have not been taking it that long and their are other factors (worrying about your health, worrying about weight gain) that are interfering so it's hard to isolate it to see if it's just the pill doing it. BellaDonna

I think marriage, in it's ideal form is supposed to last "forever". I agree that when the vows are broken (i.e. by abuse, cheating, neglect) then it is much easier to also break "till death do us part" and get a divorce. Society is faced with an epidemic of serial monogamy, despite that, when I got married, I did so with the intention of being with my husband forever.

If it were me, I would have a trusted male relative or friend call or e-mail the place, or even walk in and ask what kind of "services" they can provide. Walking in may be the better option because they will probably be reluctant to give out detailed info via phone or e-mail (but they could be stupid enough to so you can try). If there is anything sexual going on there (sorry to say it doesn't sound too hopeful) they will definitely tell a supposed "male client" if they think they can get his business. Is there a male friend or relative who would ask for you? They can pretend to be interested and ask, and of course not actually receive any "services". There are many legitimate health spas out there- I often get massages, facials, and stone therpay at such places. But if he was actually calling a legit spa for his health he probably would have told you about it. Again, I would find out more about the place first and then confront him. Good luck to you, BellaDonna P.S. Don't worry about confronting him and being blamed for snooping in his things. Usually when we have a feeling someone is cheating, it's a good enough reason. You're his WIFE. Besides even if you did snoop, if he's cheating, the CHEATING is definitely the bigger crime. Snooping out of concern doesn't violate marriage vows, cheating does.

Wow.... I don't really know what to say except that I wish you 2 the best and don't let these outside circumstances ruin your love. As a caring person, you're always going to be scared for his safety and well-being while he's in Iraq, and there's nothing you can really do to stop that because you love him. The only other advice I can give is that if he calls or writes, try to be cheerful and positive because he's going to need that from you during this difficult time. He's lucky to have a caring person waiting for him, and you're lucky to have a man so brave. All the best, BellaDonna

Try exercising/stretching and then taking a warm/hot shower before bed. The exercise will release some stress and energy, the heat will relax you. This has worked for me in the past when I was trying to re-adjust my schedule to go to bed earlier. Also, avoid anything with caffeine or sugar as bedtime nears. There are also caffeine free herbal teas which contain Valerian, which is supposed to promote restful, natural sleep.

I'm a closet nerd so I think what you're talking about here is what me and my friends refer to as "The Game". Without blabbling I will briefly explain: The Game can occur at all phases of relationships, whether it's shortly after the first meeting (hmmm...I said I'd call back in 10 minutes....should I wait a half hour just to show I'm not standing by the phone) the actual formation of the relationship (Do I say "I love you" or is it too soon, what if I look vulnerable?) and then, if it reaches that point- the breakup (I love you but I'm not in love with you- let's be "friends...I miss you bla bla bla") "The Game" is anything that messes with your mind and makes you act or feel stupid. You can give it and receive it. It's not love, it's pride and doubt and other human emotions tangeled together to create a mess. Yes, in my opinion I think the manipulation/power is conscious and intentional. Even the best relationships have The Game in them somewhere. I think the stronger the relationship, the more true love there is- the less Game there will be. You have to make the decision if you're willing to keep playing with this particular one. Good luck!

I can understand that you don't want him to see his ex. Even if you trust him, you know that he once loved this woman and found her attractive. You also don't know what her intentions are. But remember, she's an "ex" for a reason and he's now with YOU. Even if he has not seen the kids in 2 years, they are are still his children. They are caught in the middle of this and it's not their fault. They probably just want to see their father and also feel awkward. It's also healthier for the kids when their parents can be at least civil with one another, so for their sake, it's a good thing that he can still talk to his ex. If I were in your shoes this is what I would do: I would talk to your guy and gently communicate to him that you want to be included in their plans. That way the ex knows your position in the picture, and you can overcome the mystery of what she and the kids are like too. If he wants to spend time alone with just him and the 2 kids, respect that- but there's no need for him to spend time alone with the ex or to exclude you from meeitng the 3 of them. Maybe you could take your daughter along too, to help break the ice. If you really don't think you can ever deal with them, you have to remember that they are a permanent part of his past and most likely his present and future (if he's a good father). If you don't want his baggage and it outweighs the good aspects of your relationship, then leaving the relationship might not be a bad idea. You mentioned that he verbally bashed you- he didn't handle the situation appropriately, but keep in mind how you might react if someone said they did not want to be around your daughter. It might have hurt his feelings. It seems like you could be a little bit insecure about yourself, so if you do meet them, wear your favorite outfit so you'll feel good and confident. Even if the situation annoys you, kill them with kindness, and remember that the kids are just victims of circumstance. You don't have to like his ex- but you can be the better woman and give her the benefit of the doubt. Good luck, BellaDonna

It sounds like you really need some help beyond what we can offer here. My best advice would be to seek treatment ASAP from a professional and to assure you that you will not go deaf, blind, or be hurt. You should not have to feel this scared and distressed. If you seek help you will feel much better. Five years is much to long to be going through this. Do something about it now, it's the first step to recovery. BellaDonna

It's hard to witness a friend in distress. If he suspects him mother is missing, he should contact the police ASAP if someone hasn't already. If his older brother is treating him badly and is on drugs and not fit to look over him, ask your friend if he has any trusted relatives who will let him stay at their house so he does not have to be alone with his older brother during this time. Keep doing what you're doing, which is offering to be there for him during this hard time. I hope his mom is ok!

I tried waxing my legs a few times. All I can say is that SPEED is key! Its almost like when you peel a bandaid/bandage off- you have to do it fast or it will hurt. Another thing- if the hair is not long enough- it's harder to wax. It won't pick up the hairs just growing back at the surface. The benefits when I did it to my legs was that it took much longer for the hair to grow back. I forgot to mention that another way to get rid hair is through threading. But it's hard to find to people who are experts on it in traditional salons. If you ever see someone who is good at it- it's pretty cool. Check out this page: link removed I've never had it done-by a friend of mine swears by it. Supposedly it does hurt but it's fast and the results last significantly longer. BellaDonna

It looks like you both lost each other's trust and have been tempted to stray, but that there is still plenty of love remaining. Is it possible for the 2 of you to talk to a relationship counselor? You've been together for 6 years (longer than some married couples who talk to marriage counselors) so I think it's appropriate if you really want and objective source who can bring out any issues and get the relationship to work. Most importantly, whatever you do, should you get together again, take it slow. Don't rush into engagement until you have eveything sorted out. Another thing I should mention, in my own experience I've noticed that relationships work the best when you don't let family have too much power over them. Your mom should not have been trying to influence things "before you tie the knot". I'm sure she meant well, but it was not appropriate. She is seeing that now. I think one of the reasons my own marriage is successful is that my husband and I are our own family and we put each other first. I never let anyone in my family say anything negative about him and vice versa. We're a unit, and while we're both close with our families, we never let them have an influence on our union or a say in our relationship. So I would advise that you let this decision be your own. It's between the 2 of you. Best wishes, BellaDonna

During high school I was friends with a girl who had very dark hair and had the same concerns. She used to use cream bleach so that she didn't have to resort to waxing or worry about it growing back pinchy. You may want to start by trying bleaching it- I've seen it in almost every drug store. You can also get cream hair removers (depilatories) at the sdrug store. When you get older, if it still bothers you, you can try electrolysis, or laser hair removal which I believe are more permanent.

I had soemthing like this happen to me once before and it's frustrating. In my case it was my then fiance's best friend. We were 18 then. We had a party at our house and my fiance's buddy got too drunk to drive so he slept over on our coach. Well apparently him and my fiance got in a fight one day over something stupid and his friend blurted out "oh yeah....well I .....ed your girl while you were sleeping the night of the party when I stayed on the coach." His dumb friend later took it back and said we were never together and he just said it to make my fiance mad and because he was jealous of our relationship. Needless to say his dumb comment still caused a lot of trouble. Although my fiance (now husband) believed me- I could tell he had a doubt. I took many many times of me re-assuring him. Then his annoying friend wondered why we didn't make him the "best man" in our wedding..... Sometimes people can be so asinine and immature! So if you get back with your ex and he got wind of the lie this guy made up- you will likely have to re-assure him a lot that it didn't happen. Other than that I agree with the others- be the bigger person- ignore this clown and eventually his show will end.

cranberry, It is true that exercising first thing in the morning burns more calories. What I do is exercise first thing in the morning and then wait 30-45 mintues after wards to have breakfast. However, you have to keep in mind that if you're not eating properly and getting the nutrition your body needs then when you do your cardio you will burn into your MUSCLE and not fat. So if you're looking for the atlethic, trim body- you won't get it from starving- you need to increase your muscle and decrease your bodyfat percentage to have that althletic look- but starvation in combination with cardio will just eat away at your muscles and give you the "withering away" look. Keep in mind that starvation is counter-productive to weight loss. When you withold food from yourself- your body goes into "starvation mode" (thinks it's dying) and then it will STORE the little food you do eat for survival because it doesn't know when it will be fed next. You need to feed your body high qaulity foods consistently. Healthy eating in combination with exercise is the only way to reach your goals to not only lose wight but also keep it off. I learned this firsthand- it's how I lost 35 pounds and have kept it off for over a year. . I tried the unhealthy ways already- they do not work. There are no quick fixes, miracle diets, etc. If you feel like you could be experiencing early signs of anorexia- then it is very important that you seek help now before you get deeper into this unhealthy way of eating and thinking. Is there a trusted person that you can talk to about your this? I think that should be your first step to prevent thsi from going any further. BellaDonna

cranberry, What you described is extremely unhealthy and bad for your metabolism. I would suggest trying to at least eat small portions, even if you're not hungry. I eat 6 small meals a day instead of the usual big 3. I'm not a "morning person". When I wake up I'm never hungry. But I always at least have a mutlivitamin with a banana or lowfat yougurt, or a small bowl of cereal/oatmeal, or cottage cheese with fruit, etc . If you're running you especially need to get the proper nutrition or you'll start burning off muscle instead of fat when you run. If you don't "feel like" eating, then go for something quick and non-perishable like a granola bar, which is quick and easy. If you do not "feel like" eatign due to emotions and not ophysical reasons- then that is something you need to look into. Maybe you're just not hungry or maybe there's more to this situation. You need ot take care of yourself, BellaDonna

All I can say is that if you don't feel ready, don't do it. Do not let your BF pressure you. If he cares enough , he'll wait.

If you're not turned on before you're having sex, it's not going to feel good. This seems like a vicious cycle for you. Sex hurts, so it has become something aversive (negative/unpleasant) and then you can't get turned on for the next time since you have to worry about it hurting. I've experienced this before when I first became sexually active... I used to lay there and think "when the..... is this going to END!?" It can be VERY UNPLEASANT if you're not into it, especially if your boyfriend thinks sex should be a high-speed pumping extravaganza, with no attention to your needs. Younger guys tend to need a little coaching. I do agree you should see a doctor, strictly for preventative health reasons- however I don't think this is anything medical. You need to communicate with your partner. Under no cirumstances should you be laying there, wanting to "wince and yelp". The boy needs to learn how to please a woman, but he'll never know unless you guide him. Your anatomy is capable of so much. You deserve to have sex that is fulfilling. It sounds like he hasn't brought you to orgasm yet. When you do have a pleasurable experience, you won't believe what you were missing, but step one is to communicate. Good luck! -BellaDonna