Shabby

I've been trying to tell him that I really care for him, he'll never be "replaced". We promised each other when we got back together that if things didn't work out, we'd still be friends - and I think it'd actually work with him, unlike most relationships where the "let's still be friends" thing fails miserably. I think he just wants me to tell him everything will be fine, it'll all work out and we'll be happy couple forever, which I certainly am not going to do. As for exclusivity, I'm going to give it a go, but I am 99.9% sure it won't work out. I'm definitely going to meet other people and in my opinion, if Bryan and I are meant to be together, I'll only see that they aren't better than him in my mind it'll strengthen our relationship together because I'll feel more committed to him. He doesn't see that. For example, message left for me this morning... "The thing that scares me the most is that you'll find someone else there! then i cant visit u & u'll never ever have time for me! Like the long distance thing, i can handle. But please, please make this work! your my favourite person in the world & i cant lose you again! I dont want there to be another [guy who I broke up with him for] incident w/ me not being able to see/talk to you! & to even think of u w/ someone else, breaks my heart! I dont wanna lose you, it scares the [bleep] out of me! I saw ppl staring at u yesterday, & u could be with anyone you want. I cant lose u sweetie!" argh.

I just need some help... I don't know how to help a rather sensitive situation I happen to be in. Basic situation is that my current boyfriend, Bryan, and I have been going out for two months now. We also went out for six months last summer. I backed out of the relationship after the six months to date other people because of a committment scare, had a bad experience in the lapsed six months, realized I had made a stupid mistake, and went running with my tail between my legs back to Bryan - who had been hardly coping with me leaving him that entire time. Of course he was only too happy to have me back, and I was eternally grateful he'd put up with my stupid and immature actions which I had regretted almost 100% of the time I wasn't with him. Bryan and I are perfectly, WEIRDLY compatible - the only person I know in my life that I can be completely myself, say anything I feel... we just have a total groove going on. One of those things where we end up saying the same thing all the time, or speak the other's mind, or whatever. We both enjoy doing the same things... on and on... all our friends call us the perfect couple. We are almost always together when we can be. We never - NEVER - fight about anything, not even disagree, and that's because we're willing to give and take, not because we have a passive-aggressive balance going. Only problem - I am 19 and he's 17 (we're actually 1.5 years apart). I really don't care, neither does he, we're fine... but of course at this age, we ARE at different points in our lives. He is starting his senior year of high school in September - I'm going to my first year of university (took a year off school, I should be in second.) This is our challenge. I'm moving away from home and into residence at my school which is a really crappy highway 1.5 hour drive away. It COULD be OK for a day's visit, but the drive there and back is horrible depending on traffic and is almost undoable at certain times of day in certain directions. Bryan is taking this all incredibly (though not unexpectedly) hard. I was hesitant about getting into a serious relationship this close to going away to school for this very reason. I told him when we agreed to get back together that we'd be dealing with this, and he said we'd cross that bridge when we came to it, which sounded good to me at that point. It's getting to bridge time in about a month, though... I feel that he's been rushing our relationship committment and emotion wise because of the "time-limit" we have. Just in the last month he's been bringing up marriage (not for now, in a long term goal sense) and has even gotten all sensitive about babies which was brought on by a family member having one and him getting to hold one for the first time... he's doing the "so what're our kids names going to be" and the whole deal. Normally all this would make me wickedly, wickedly insecure and freaked right out, but I find myself oddly content and even looking forward to these events in theory. That in itself makes me uneasy and I'm suspecting that I'm doing that in order to try and maintain some sort of long term order/goal in my life, since this home to university phase is so uncertain and different. Today I had to get a bunch of stuff organized and it required me actually trekking out to the uni itself, and I want to get Bryan involved in this, so I invited him along (plus, I'd love his company.) He got the day off work on very short notice and off we went. Day was fine and fun, minus one hour right in the middle where I noticed he was distant and clearly thinking about the move away. Late that night when we were back at his house, he brought it back up again, and he ended up sobbing for an hour... he didn't want me going, and although he wouldn't SAY it straight out he eluded to an issue that he's worried I'll find someone else. I had no idea what to say to him. I tried to reassure him, but I can only do so much when I'm unsure myself. All I know is that I don't think I'm at a point in my life where I can settle with ANYONE, no matter how perfect they seem, purely based on a "what if?" nature - that, and that I've only had relationships with two other guys total in my life, and I don't think I'm mature enough in that way to know what I'm looking for. I'm still at a point where I want to go out and have fun and party it up. He, on the other hand, has only EVER had me as a girlfriend. I'd like more for him to see what he is or is not missing... but... I got to thinking, if he ever saw some other girl... I'd have to make a dedicated effort NOT to eat her entire face off. I was texting him after I'd gone home, and eventually he sent "You're absolutely perfect and flawless for me! I think we're perfect together! Lets try really hard to make this work, cuz if we can make it thru this, baby we can make it thru anything including marriage! I guess u could say its a good test of our love!" Now, that is sweet and awesome and confident about us together... it's almost making me feel PRE guilty for even thinking about how it may not work, or even how we may take another break through this because it may just be too hard. I really don't know how things will be when I am at school (ie how often we will see each other, how many people I'll meet, whatever) so I know no one, including me, can tell me where this is going. I do NOT know what to say to him right now, though. I can't say "don't worry we'll work through this no matter what" because god, who knows, maybe it won't? I do NOT want to mess him around again, he is an amazing guy who deserves better treatment. I guess I'm just asking for feedback or something... I don't even know anymore!

I went out with a guy for four months last summer, when we broke up and recently got back together again after a bad relationship for me. We've mostly picked up where we left off in the relationship. I'm pretty much two years older than he is (I'm 19, he's 17.) We haven't been doing anything serious, a bit of fooling around but nothing major. He absolutely WORSHIPS the ground I walk on, actually genuinely loves me and will do anything for me. Other day we were alone for once and he was putting lotion on my back for me since I was badly sunburned - long story short, ended up bra and shirtless. I'm not new to this, but he is - I'm his first serious relationship. Question is, he's started telling me that what we did makes him "feel bad," "like a pig" and "selfish." I asked why he thought that was happening and he says he doesn't know, just that it feels as if he's treating me badly. Of course I told him that he shouldn't feel like that at all, if anyone *I* should be the one feeling that way, hah. I've just been pondering this and was hoping to get a little insight... does anyone have any ideas as to why this could be? Anything appreciated, thanks!

I feel bad for posting here all the time when I need help... sorry everyone, eek! Boyfriend and I have been together for coming up to seven months now. It's been pretty good... never really amazing... and sometimes I think we end up fighting more than we do anything else. It's always over a whole range of issues... Now, I recently started birth control. I don't know if this is common, but it seems to me on the second/third day of the non-pill days... I get really REALLY catty, then I'm fine. BF and myself both work a lot so it's hard at times to get together. We did yesterday, and things were going great at first. I've been having my relationship doubts because of all the bickering we do, so lately I haven't been feeling very intimate so to speak. He started doing something of that sort, and for whatever reason I wasn't very receptive. Now, being in this EXTREMELY sensitive mood phase, I took it straight to heart and got quite bothered by it, needless to say I wasn't impressed when it was eventually just him and I and he wanted to get intimate. Then it all started... I explained why I was miffed and the cause (birth control stuff, and that I just worked a long stretch and am tired etc etc) and he just COULD not stop going on and on and ON. I told him just to drop it, I was very sorry but I really don't have too much control over my mood at that point in time, and I would be happy if it could just be dropped for the night. But he would NOT. Kept on asking stuff, one of those arguments where you end up not even knowing what you're fighting about because it gets SO far away from the actual topic at hand. Towards the end (five hours later - literally) he started doing what I interpret as the guilt tripping... "am I ever going to get to talk to you again"... that sort of thing. By that point and throughout this entire thing I'm just going nutty because he won't let it die. I go from sitting stonefaced and emotionless to sobbing to sarcastic... at the end HE was crying when he dropped me at my house, saying "don't hate me for not being able to help you" between sobs. Now, I seriously don't know whether to believe that (which I almost don't because of things that were said during the convo, if that was his main goal it wouldn't have been like that...) or to think that this was all a big hissy fit because he didn't get his once-every-few-days action. I will not even propose that second theory no matter how mad I ever am, because he's the type to absolutely freak out at being accused of that (I don't blame him.) I recognize he may have felt rejected by me at the time, but I just wish he could understand... just for this once... I don't know. I don't know if I should call this whole thing a done deal and end it (I will never marry this guy, ever) or if I should hang in there... he is NOT a bad guy as far as I can tell.... he just isn't a great match for me, nor I for him I don't think.

Yeah, I knew about the being 18 ob/gyn thing, but haven't been to my doctor in... like... two years, so that's probably why she hasn't made me... and let's face it, I don't wake up going "I'll find myself an ob/gyn today! woohoo!" I'm turning 19 in a month though, so I probably need to get on that... Never tried the er, "non natural" lube thing... probably because neither myself nor him have our own places... and I agree, straight latex is absolutely HORRIBLE, I got on birth control so now I don't deal with that as often... different positions, done but still hurts to some degree... VERY frustrating. One night I ended up crying because I had this perfect night planned out and it would have been perfect except I'm not moaning cuz it feels good, I'm moaning because it KILLS!

*sob* Girls with no pain ever are no fair... It's not TOO regularily, but enough that I'm thinking it should be better by now... once a week at the least? I don't even have a gyno, arg.

I know that no one here is a doctor and all that... I'm just curious and weirded out and thought I may get some personal experiences! For the ladies... how long did it take you to not hurt like heck during sex? I mean, everything I read it's like "oh the first few times MAYBE." Now... for me it's been... sheesh... three or four months... and it still hurts BADLY. Bad enough that I feel horrible because my boyfriend can rarely get off that way since I'm usually trying to not wince and yelp... he can't even get too much inside since it hurts so much and I am allegedly (I wouldn't know?) so tight. Is this normal... or... is there something horrible and terrifyingly wrong with me that will inevitibly become embarrassing?

I'm back, unfortunately My boyfriend doesn't do much besides work, then go home and chill in his room doing whatever (computer/gaming/blah). In the entire six months I have known him, he's never gone out with friends... he doesn't have any guy friends. He was phoned to go to a party of some old friend-who-is-a-girl once, but he didn't go. As for us personally... every other week or so we'll go and do the same thing (go out for desert.) Now... I've started to almost avoid this because it's so repetitive, and if there's almost any other option (going out with my sister, whatever) I'll do that OVER going to his place. I won't go out with other people because he gets upset. When I do go somewhere else (by myself, or with family) he has a reason why he can't go... and he just stays home. Now, the other night, this issue somehow came up (I think he asked "are you bored of me?" or something) and I tried to explain that I'm not bored of him, he's great, it's just that we don't really do much... and it drives me to do other stuff because I'm bored silly with sitting at his house and watching him play video games or whatever. He told me it was my fault because I can never think of things to do, which is partly true... if we're sitting there staring at each other and he asks me if I can think of anything, I never can... but neither can he, and then we both sit there. He's apparently fine with it, used to it, whatever... but I'm going to be 19 in two months and I actually want to get out there and live life, you know? Anyway, I don't know if this is something that's "fixable." I think I need someone who's really out there (like the last guy I was with) as opposed to me having to suggest things to get him out all the time. Are we just two different types of people? I don't know...

*nod* I'm going to stick it out and see what happens... at least a little while. I take my pills at midnight every night and I usually go to sleep a little after that.... maybe I should take them earlier to prevent the morning sickness. Hmmm!

Thank you! You did a good job reassuring me... everything I read on the net is horrible reviews, but I figure that's because... if it was going well for you, why would you go on the net to report it? Anyway, today was THE worst... I had a dentist appointment at 7:30am and I COULD NOT get up. It felt like I was going to puke everywhere... such a queezy stomach. I told my mom later on why, and she said that my body's just getting used to it, and it was basically morning sickness. EW! I had to sleep through all day. Gross. I also have like zero appetite anymore... which I don't mind Thanks for your reply!

After a lot of thought and debate with myself, I've decided to get started on birth control... my doctor put me on Ortho Tri-Cyclen, and I'm like two days into taking it with only a bit of yucky tummy so far to complain about. I've heard that OTC can essentially turn you into a superbiotch and also make you gain loads of weight and it scares the bejeezers out of me. Basically I was just wondering if any of the ladies on the forum here have experience with OTC? Thanks!!

Aw no, not offensive, hehe. He is insecure I think... and it does get... er... old... fast... but I do my best to make him feel better, anyway. I don't think he's psycho controlling either, but he does tend to be very good at guilt tripping me. I do feel like there's a constant struggle for control in this relationship and I KNOW for fact I have the upper hand and always will, though I'm not going to use it in any malicious way. He won't get a friend to help because he doesn't really have friends outside of his work... not that I've ever seen, anyway. I think he tried to send me a text message, but it came out all garbled... but included "best thing that ever happened" and "never meant to hurt u" so I dunno.

Thanks everyone *muah.* You're all an awesome help! Ilse - I know it was probably all centered around something like that, because we've always had issues with me hurting his feelings after saying I was more than willing to help him but I was fine for the night. In my opinion that's more than reasonable... I'd be unreasonable if I said screw you don't touch me and I won't touch you, or something. I just wish he didn't take these things so seriously. Kate - I know it feels crappy... that's why I didn't really know if I had been a total bleepin idiot or he was being over-sensitive. Prosper - No way I'm going to break up with him over something this trivial. IMO it's been blown way out of proportion over something that should have been nothing. I've been waiting for an email or something... but so far, nothing. Metallica - yes, many people I know say he seems like one of those "controlling psycho guys." He's just really easily hurt by things that I wouldn't take notice of, which makes things hard for me because I have to think a lot about everything I do. K8tie - arguments do really suck!! Anyway, good question... his expectations, I have no idea on right now. I never really consciously THINK about doing it, you know? Of course my main goal in the relationship is to make him happy and I believe I'm very supportive of him, moreso than many others. So I don't know how much or how little I really do - I think it may even be one of those things where I'm an actions person and he's a talking person, so even if I'm doing enough through things I do and gestures, he's not feeling it because he actually wants me to SAY it, or something like that. At this point I have no idea. And you are right also, the entire thing gets messed up because it starts getting away from the original problem and it all just forms more problems. And yes, he also says all the time that I'm too good for him, and how I threaten him because guys are always hitting on me and blah blah blah. I hate that too, because I am a very VERY open person in regards to who I date in that I don't care two bits about looks, status, money, whatever. I go for the real person only. We constantly have arguments about me seeing any guy friends because he's not comfortable with it, meanwhile I can't see the issue because I wouldn't ever dream of cheating on anyone, even someone I was having problems with. It all comes down to trust... he's admitted he doesn't trust me once, then when I try and talk to him about it, he always says yes he does trust me. But I know he doesn't - for example, I took him to coffee a few days ago and started talking about university... and he goes "you're definitely going to dump me within the first week." (What his last GF did, apparently she started sleeping in other guy's beds and he thinks I'll do the same.) It almost seems to me that he starts all this ruckus up when something's happened where his self confidence takes a hit (non intentionally, of course.) But what am I supposed to do - either I "reject" him for the seventh time in a night, or I give in and this happens. I can't win!

Argh. Heeeeelp. lol. Even if no one reads this... it's good to get it off my chest. I just got back from my boyfriend's house. We started out having a great time. In a matter of hours, it has turned into hell. I need a bit of insight on my situation because I honest to god have NO idea if I am right or wrong. We had gone out for the night and were back at his house and we were fooling around a bit. Blah blah... I told him not to worry about getting me off at all because I didn't completely feel like it anyway. He says fine... night goes on and he keeps on trying to initiate something. I had already, ah-hem, taken care of him... it just didn't seem like he would take no for an answer after like five "don't worry about me"s. So, fine, I let him do whatever he wanted to do... then blam, afterwards he's just staring at me and starts moaning that "he never does anything good enough." This, presumably, because I didn't make a big deal over how well he treated me. I hate - HATE when he puts himself down like that because he IS a good guy and I do appreciate him and everything he does for me. In fact, in doubly pisses me off because it makes me feel like dirt for not making him feel good, and also because I don't like when he talks himself down like that. I am absolutely HORRIBLE at conflict and generally situations like that. I was so pissed I do what I always used to do, which is shut up completely. He took that opportunity to do what seems (to me) like offending sarcastic stuff, like "oh you think you're just a cute blonde girl and you can just sit there and pout" and all this stuff that made me feel even worse / mad. I am also very VERY reluctant to ever come out and accuse anyone of anything and I don't think I've ever managed to do it straight up, ever. So I eventually start crying, ask him to take me home, he won't obviously because he wants to talk about it, which is good. But it all goes downhill.... I asked what I can do better to avoid something like this, and he went into a big explanation of how he likes when I tell him that he's doing something well, basically. I sort of took offence to that as well, because in my opinion I think I do a lot of that anyway... but I've always known that he has self confidence issues. So now I'm feeling triple horrible because I'm being told that I'm not doing something well enough.... BUT I'm still resenting the fact that none of this would have happened in the first place if he had just listened to me. I start crying again, get up, ask to be taken home because things are going to get worse... nope, we have to talk more. Then we go into another big thing about how I can't handle being told what to improve on and that I want to hear that I'm perfect, and that it was selfish of me to ask him what I could do better if I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. Now I feel quadruple-horrible. I hardly remember, at this point, what even started this whole thing and what I'm upset over (this was over a two hour period.) Finally we start heading out... again I'm not saying anything because I want to get my head right. He looks at me while we're driving home and asks me if there's anything else I want to say, and I said no. A minute later he said he's waiting for explanations of the two things I plan on doing (during the "discussion" I said I would 1) work on letting him know that I care more and 2) being able to take criticism more) because he is "sick of bull**** answers." At that point I just couldn't take it anymore and didn't know if I should be pissed at myself, or him, or what in the world was going on, so I said nothing. I tend to do that because if I say the first thing that comes to mind, it always turns out to be not what I mean and I discredit myself entirely, or something like that. So we pull into my house. He says, "so are you still mad at me" and I start crying again and say "yeah, extremely." And he's just in complete shock, I get out of the car and he says that it's cruel of me to leave him like this before he has to work a long shift tomorrow. I said sorry, but I told you things would just get worse and you didn't listen to me, I'm telling you if I stay it won't make things better. He asked if I was going to break up with him, I said no. I told him I would write him an email (this is a tradition with us because of my tendency to not be able to speak my mind... I go home and write everything down in an email) and I left. Felt like a total ice queen female dog, and left. I have no idea if I did the right thing or what's going on....

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two months now. Not very long, comparitively, but we really hit it off and things moved pretty fast. Now, before me, he was in a year-and-a-half relationship. He claims,and so does everyone else that knows him, that she was an ice queen and treated him badly. He constantly - constantly - brings her up. To make a long story short, she phoned him yesterday for the first time since (they broke up in September, a month before I met him) and told him that she still had feelings for him, and when she heard he was with me, asked about me an then used all this info to try and make him think about breaking with me. This is what I am told by my boyfriend, at least! He told me everything, and I was just sort of calmly listening... when he was done he was upset at me because I wasn't "angry or jealous." I explained that yes, it does upset me, but it does me no good to get into a rage fit.... etc. Now we have big issue on how I am apparently not jealous of any girls that hit on him... or how I don't show it enough to make him think I care. I told him that I make a large effort to show him I care in other ways that don't involve jealously... arg. That's on top of I think he still has feelings for his ex, but I have no idea how to tell!! Help?