BellaDonna

EmptySoul, Starving yourself is actually counter-productive to weight loss. Your body has a built-in, innate tendency and a survival mode of storing fat if it thinks it's starving to death. So ultimately, you'll mess up your metabolism, and then gain more weight tha nusual once you go back to eating normally. Because you're making yourself sick by starvign and then taking pills on an empty stomach. I hope you start eating mroe soon. BellaDonna

Her dad has not accepted that his daughter is growing up yet. My father was the same way- him and my grandfather would joke around and say they'd "kill" anyone I dated.....now I know they were both gentle and loving men and just hated to see me grow up. Fathers see any guy that wants to date their daughters as hormone-enraged, animalistic predators, trying to get their daughters in bed (even if they are NOT). That's his "little girl" you know. Some dads remember how they may have thought themselves at 16 and how horny they were- and the experiences they wanted to have, and what they did with girls they dated. You are being stereotyped, unfortunately. And I'm sure daddy would blame you for his daughter sitting on your lap too- even if you did not initiate anything. He cannot accept the fact that his daughter is becoming a woman- and with that comes sexuality. He's denying that part of her being exists right now. So you'll be the villian no matter what- even if it is mutual. Fact of the matter is - when you're a teenager- dating is NORMAL, experimenting is NORMAL. Parents did it too when they were your age and that's why they struggle, knowing their kids are going to do it. Some parents let their kids grow up more easily than others. Some protection (looking out for your teen) is a good thing. But this dad is being over-protective and creating a situation where his daughter will NEVER go to him or confide in him, she'll sneak behind his back. I know because I did it myself when I was 16. I got into a lot of trouble. I was grounded a million times. I always say I will NEVER do that to my child. I even made my brother turn a million shades of red- he's 16, and I knew my parents would be just as strict with him- so I recently gave him the whole sex talk in case they were being over-protective. but at least now he knows he can go to me about girls/dating/sex, or any other problems or feelings he's having and I won't judge him. The worst thing to do is shut a teenager out. BTW the way- my family now accepts and ADORES my "date" ( now husband)- we met when I was a teenager and I guess he FINALLY convinced my father and grandfather (after 9 YEARS and a wedding!) that he was out for more than a cheap thrill with me! But they absolutely hated me dating him (or anyone) when I was a teenager. They'd rather see me play barbie dolls....or knit.... or become a nun.....anything but grow up.... I agree with Caribbean chick that your only hope is to kiss up to her mom. If it's still a "no no" to date her after that and her dad never warms up to you- then you have to ask yourself if you want to be the guy she has to "sneak" with- It sounds like her dad could have a temper by the way he acts on the phone. Be cautious. Should the 2 of you ever decide to be intimate- be SAFE and USE PROTECTION....This sounds liek the LAST person you'd ever want to have an unplanned pregnancy with- her dad would likely flip out.... Good luck! -BellaDonna

You do increase your chances of getting pregnant if you are vomiting. You should use a back-up method of birth control such as a condom until you are well again. I've been on the pill for a while- and every print-out I've ever gotten with my prescription warned against the pill losing effectiveness if you "vomit or have diarrhea". It doesn't get into your system properly, just like you mentioned. I don't know why you'd be fasting- If you have a stomach virus then fine- it makes sense not to eat until you're better. Just be sure to keep hydrated as the others suggested- you can lose a lot of electrolytes in your body and get very sick otherwise. If its a stomach virus and it keeps up- be sure to contact a doctor. I don't want to scare you- but if you lose too much energy, you could faint and end up needing an IV. I hope you are not fasting for weight loss purposes or for self-injury. If that is the reason, you should talk to a trusted adult or counselor ASAP. That is very dangerous. Did you know at age 15- it's one of the most important times for your body to grow and to build the bone mass your body will have for the rest of your life? If you're not getting your calcium and other essential nutrients, you can really put your health at risk, both now and in the future. Your post really worries me. Please let us know how you are doing. -BellaDonna

This worked WONDERS for me: link removed

Yup.... just in case there was even the slightest doubt in anyone's mind that this guy is a LOSER...... now we can be sure... He also seems more and more like someone who would barely manage to give a woman 1 orgasm...... I think his best bet is to do womankind a favor and stay away from them.....if he did not speak that would help too because from what you've told us he comes out with.... he really has some asisine ideologies...... His "soulmate" is probably best found in a jar of vaseline..... It's too bad you had to meet him. You are worthy of so much more. All the best to you and I hope you find your prince, BellaDonna

That was so insensitive. He sounds like a creep. Just be thankful that he decided to show you his true colors after a few dates-at least you did not waste too much of your valuable time on him. Not to mention, I always think that men that have to brag like that are insecure. If he had true skills in bed, he would not need to talk such a big game. For one, he probably does not know how to please a woman if he says, "the physcial comes first"......for many many women, the mental/emotional comes first- and for many women and orgasm results from an intense emotional connection- not just physcial activity. Some women can't even reach orgasm without that emotional piece. So I can't picture this guys getting women off 7,8,and 9 times if that's this approach to women! Just be glad you never slept with him- it probably would have been a big waste of your time. You deserve so much better. There is nothing wrong with YOU here- this guy is a JERK....the problem is in HIM. If you can, think of it as the process of elimintation......You'll probably meet a lot of frogs before you find your prince....every bad experience could actually be bringing you one step closer to finding the RIGHT one.... Good luck to you! Don't let this loser bring you down, BellaDonna

I don't know the answer to your question about the morning after pill. You should definitly ask your doctor if you are unsure. -BellaDonna

He sounds like a pain...... What did you say to him? I think the first thing he needs to know is that you like being his friend, but you're an independent person with a busy schedule so it's not possible for you to be at his beckon call every time he wants you to see him. Friendships are suppsoed to be pleasant and mutual. Another thing that should be establised is that his nagging behavior will not result in his desired outcome (you going to see him). Every time you visit him as a result of one of his pressuring/nagging behavior- such as the text messages- you are REWARDING that behavior, so it tells him it's ok- and that's how he can get you to go see him. If possible, ignore the nagging and show him that it is a waste of time because it WON'T get you to see him...it will bring about just the opposite...you ignoring him. If he gets mad over it- that's immature- don't act on his immaturity. The other thing- if he can't handle reason or get the message- he doesn't own you and you don't owe him anything- so you have every right to make up excuses. Tell him you're doing homeowrk, spending time with family, seeing other friends, takign a nap, you're grounded- whatever you have to say shut him up.... But persoanlly I don't even think he's entitled to an excuse because you should not have to answer to him anyways. It doesn't sound like a healthy friendship. This person sounds like he might have some issues....with the drugs, etc. If he is pressuring you, acting angry at you, aggravating you, or making you feel uncomfortable then distancing yourself is probably a good idea. BellaDonna

I've never had that happen to my eyelids, but it does sounds like it could be an irritation or allergic reaction, because it is getting red. But you said you're not using anything new..... Also, the skin on your eyelids and under your eye is some of the thinnest skin on your body, so it is very sensitive. The makeup may be drying out the area...and if you were not hydrating your skin enough- by drinking enough water and moisturizing it, you'd likely see it affect the skin near your eyes first because it is so delicate. I would try not using the makeup for a few of days and see if it gets better....this can help you figure out if you developed an allergy to what you've been using, or if the makeup is drying it out. If it's still dried out and flaky after discontinuing the makeup, try using a hypo-allergenic eye cream or gel to be sure the area is getting moisturized. If that does not imporve it, then I would have a dermatologost look at it. It sounds uncomfortable. BellaDonna

You have to keep in mind that counselors are human too. Even though they are supposed to be "objective"...they have feelings and can become affected by their clients. This counselor probably wished so badly that she could help you. She probably used every strategy she ever learned to try to get you to stop hurting yourself. After all resources she knew of were expended, she probably started to take it personally, thinking maybe she was not a good counselor and maybe she started feeling hopeless and getting emotionally affected by knowing you were still hurting yourself and she could not do anything to stop it. At that point is when she probably decided it would be best to end the counselor-client relationship. She realized she could not help you. It probably is for the best that you no longer look to her for assistance. Maybe you can find a "tougher" counselor with more expertise in self-injury. If you do not have a good connection with a counselor then you're not going to consider his/her advice. Perhaps you can find a counselor that understands you better. The only way to do that is through trial and error. I suggest tryign to find another counselor ASAP. Also, I do agree with the others that you also have to WANT to change. You can't help someone who does not want to help himself- no matter what you do. Now I can tell that you must want to help yourself at least a little, because you are posting your situation here for advice, but you have to take the desire to get better and translate it into bigger actions. How can you actively work toward recovery? I think step 1 is identifying to the best of your ability, WHY you feel the urge to do this to yourself and, more importantly, why you let yourself act on that destructive urge, yet you choose not act on the urge to get better. I'm sure you are inflicting physical pain and punishment on yourself as the result of emotional "cuts" that are more painful than anything physical could ever amount to. What is hurting you so much inside? What can you do to express that hurt without taking it out on your physical body? Keep in mind that although this counselor may indeed have given up on you, you are also giving up on yourself and devauling your own being, every time you cut yourself. So while it's disheartening that you feel the counselor "gave up on you"....that is not the real problem at hand....it's you giving up on yourself....which I think is so unfortunate. At your age, you are only beginning to experience life- and you could really embrace life and enjoy it's wonderful opprotunities, if you gave yourself the chance.....instead of giving up on yourself. You can be your own best friend, or your own worst enemy. No counselor, no matter how great, can be your friend and help you without you becoming your own friend. This is not an attmept to put any blame on you, but just an attempt to get you to consider that change and help have to start from within. Wishing you all the best, BellaDonna

Keep in mind that you're assuming they'd have the intelligence to understand or appreciate a witty comment. However, they are really STUPID (they've made that very clear by their behavior) so there's probably nothing you could say that would have any effect on their numb brains...... Which is why ignoring is the best method. When you walk by them, try to think of them as nothing more than dogs barking.... BellaDonna

I think between you being on the pill and using a condom (even if the condom was not used perfectly) the fact that you're on the pill is a huge safety net and the likelihood of you getting pregnant from this is virtually impossible. I've been on the pill for many years and I have sometimes taken pregnancy tests out of paranoia- if I felt I had "pregnancy symptoms" or if my period was even a few hours "late"..... It is my worst nightmare to have an unwanted pregnancy so I can relate to your worrying. I've worried before....even when I was on the pill and it seemed "silly" to think I was pregnant. But I don't think you have to worry about being pregnant. There's nothing wrong with sex on a train either. Enjoy! BellaDonna

tiger_lilies, Now that you've mentioned that the people doing this are actually criminals- then I would also advise against wearing headphones- even as a prop. I would carry mase hidden in your pocket. I think it's best if you do not respond to them at all. Even though you want to tell them off- it is only feeding into their desire to get attention from you. Also, since they are substance abusers, you don't want to start an altrication with them. They could get physical if you verbally yell back. You don't know what they are on, or if they have violent tendencies. Just remember- you are going to work and they are the ones rotting away on the street. You are the better person. Nothing they can say can take away your self-worth. Igonore their stupid, rude behavior. If it really startes getting bad, you may want to call the police and see if they can put an officer on foot patrol in the area. There is an area in my state that is very dangerous- and as a result- they have 2 officers patrolling the area on foot where the bus stop is to "keep the peace". However, if you do this, be sure there's no way they can find out that you were the one who called the police..... because that can start more problems. BellaDonna

tiger_lilies, I know what you mean when you say you feel disgusted by calling out, hooting, and unwarranted comments. Although those types of things tend to occur in parts of town that are not "the best"....they also can happen anywhere, like in a bar or a rich neighborhood too. It all has to do with respect and the way people think they can approach women (or people in general). This happens to me often if I have to go a meeting downtown for work. I'll park in a parking garage and walk- and at least 3 or 4 people will make some kind of comment, whistle, or annoying gesture. INGORING is really the best thing you can do. Don't even make eye contact. Walk with your head held high at a steady, confident pace and leave them in the dust. If it REALLY bothers you and you think headphones would work: How about putting the headphones on without putting the music on....that way you have a "prop" which makes it look like you can't hear them so maybe they won't bother making noises when you pass- but you'll still be safe by being able to hear everything. They are trying to get attention, and NOT giving it to them is the best way to go. If you respond- even if it's in an angry manner- it gives them the attention they are looking for. I do believe it can feel like harassment but you can be better than them and make them feel foolish my ignoring them. -BellaDonna

TrueHeart, He is obviously very bitter and immature....semms to have possesive/psycho ex tendencies. Whatever you do, do not let him know it bothers you. He feeds off your distress. If I were in your shoes, I'd be too nosey not to read it, plus I would want to see if he was making overt threats. Hopefully if you ignore him, he'll get over it and he'll stop being so vindictive. But if it becomes a problem- i.e. he threatens you,etc. Then you may want to seek legal advice. Good luck! BellaDonna

I agree with you on that. I've seen some posts on here that really made me feel bad. I've seen posts where people have been cheated on, degraded, stepped on like trash, and even raped....and they still stay and try to "make it work". My heart breaks for these people. But there's no way to rationalize with them when they are in the situation. Love is so blind. There is also "hope" which gets in the way. I know this first hand- I've been in some crappy relationships....we all have. You don't realize it until LATER...(when you're heart breaks, you have time to heal, and then the blinders are finally removed) what a mistake and waste of time the unhealthy relationship was. Some people need to go through that experience and learn from it. There's nothing you can do or say to stop them from staying. You don't realize how wrong those realtionships were until you find the right one who makes you happy. Depending on their levels of self-esteem and past experience some will "try to make it work" in extremely unhealthy relationships longer than others and continue their self-torture. I've had friends and relatives stay in hideous situations. They'd go to me for help and I'd want to shake them every time they went back to the person. There's really nothing you can do to help them until they hit rock bottom and decide to leave the relationship themselves. The best you can do in the meantime is offer them your advice but be supportive of them. It's all about living and learning and loving and respecting yourself before you try to be in love with someone else. Sometimes people must get hurt in bad relationships before they can reach a point where they're ready for the opportunity to have a GOOD relationship. BellaDonna

Unfortunately, when you lose weight and exercise your face is usually the first place where you can visibily notice weight loss. I recently lost 30 pounds from a combination of diet, cardio, and weight training. My face was the first place that got slimmer. I was happy about my new appearance- but wished other parts of my body, like my stomach would have gotten slimmer first. There's nothing you can really do, unless you take drastic measures like plastic surgery, where you can get a chin implant or fat/collagen injections. But that is so drastic. You may just need time to adjust to your new look. Are people telling you "you look to skinney"? If so, one thing I noticed is if you lose a significant amount of weight (via a healthy lifestyle) others around you start to feel "fat" when they eat bad or are lazy- and a lot of the time that will result in a comment like " You are losing too much" or "you look too thin". Misery loves company and if you're not pigging out or sitting on the coach eating potato chips they start to feel insecure and maybe evenna little jealous about your results so they will makes comments like that to you to make themselves feel better. So if you happen to be feeling this way about your face as a result of what other people are saying to you then my advice to you would be to ignore them completely. It's usually just because they are envious. If this is coming strictly from within you, then you need to examine what your conept of "to skinney" is about. Do you think it makes you look less masculine if your face is thin? I know many women, including myself, that think men with thin, chiseled facial features are more attractive. I think you should be proud of your progress and your ability to reach your physical ideal for your body, and if possible, try not to focus so much on your face. You are probably just being hard on yourself. BellaDonna

I was wondering if anyone knew of a self-tanner that works well. I look so much better with a tan. It's winter and I am starting to get pale, and I don't want to go to the tanning booth. I don't want to use something that will make me turn orange either. Does anyone here use a product that: *smells good *looks natural (not orange, streaky, or fake) *lasts (won't wash off after one shower or ruin clothes) Any suggestions? -BellaDonna

I agree...... I have to say.... I really do not like them. The concept is degrading to me as a woman. I used to HATE it when my husband would be invited to bachelor parties. I also had a good friend who turned to stripping and the stories she used to tell me made me dislike it even more (i.e. more than just dancing going on....oral sex for a fee...etc.) This of course, will depend on the club, and how far they allow it to go. She also told me things that made me think the strippers really had the upper hand sometimes- they exploited men for their money and played them like fools. Saying and doing anything to grab their cash. They had unwritten rules, such as young guys don't pay, so you should try to get older "customers" and hit them up for their money. So while the men are sterotyping the women as objects to have sex with, the strippers are also sterotyping the men as fools who are willing to give up their money. Some men like strip clubs because they are very visual. It allows them to sit there and drool and fantasize, I guess. I know other men who are repulsed by strippers, because they don't like how they get around with all the guys in the club, or they think they are troubled. One male friend of mine saw a girl he went to elementary school with stripping and it really really bothered him. I think because he was not allowed to be desensitized and treat her as a sexual object because he already knew her as a PERSON before. He was sad about her doing that. I personally do not like strip clubs and would never tolerate it if my husband began going. I am a pretty confident person and I don't think the stippers have anything on me , physically. I also trust my husband very much- even if there is a naked woman in front of him. I just don't like him going because I think the concept of it is degrading to me. I saw it play out first hand. I once went to a strip club with my husband when were were in Montreal, Canada. Just to see if it was as bad as I thought it was, and let me tell you, I HATED it. It was worse than I imagined...I actually felt bad for the stippers almost. He saw that I could not stand being there, so we left. I also had male strippers at my bachelorette party (not my idea- blame the maid of honor) and I hated that too. Stiripping is a profession that will never go away. I would not go as far as to judge strippers or people who go to strip clubs. But I know it is not something that has a place in my lifestyle. BellaDonna

sexygrl19, What I did when I moved in with my fiance (now husband) was to open a joint checking account when I moved in, however I still kept a separate savings account in just my name- and did not combine that money with his until we got married. If you open a joint checking account you both can make deposits to it, strictly for the bills, and then use checks to pay them. How much each person contributes to the checking account monthly would depend on how much each person made and what you were comfortable with. Rent is often split 50/50 but then there are those other bills, cell phones, internet, credit cards, etc. that may be split differently based on use. Making a budget of who uses/buys what can help with determining the split, or you may just cut it in half (but this could be a problem if one is a bigger spender than the other, or one is more financially conservative, etc) Regardless of how you split it, my opinion is that it's always wise for a "single" person to have a separate savings account for his/her own money to use for leisure, personal items, or simply to have save money in the bank should a person ever need it (and you almost always will). If you are not married yet I would think it would be too risky to combine ALL of your money. You have to look out for yourself and be sure that you will have something to fall back on just in case . I always think it's better safe than sorry, and if you get married you can always combine all the money later. That's just my .02 cents, BellaDonna

Finchabald, Your poem is certainly dark. (I'm sure that was the point of it). You definitely released feelings of depression and anger with your poem, which is a good thing because that's what poetry is for. I just hope your thoughts keep coming out in written form instead of in actions. Keep writing and posting when you feel like this. BellaDonna

I don't think there's anything wrong with having this girl as a friend and looking forward to meeting one day. Whether or not is actually happens is questionable, because the odds seem to be against it. But if this is a source of amusement/fun/excitment for you, then let it be. You are probably both a little lonely, there's nothing wrong with being friends. I think what's most important is that you don't ever get hurt in the situation. If possible, try to guard yourself from becoming too involved. Sometimes things like these can turn into "addictions" (i.e. letting the friendship with her be your only source of happiness). But you seem to have it under control, you can always back off like you did before if it becomes too intense. As far her saying she "loves" you, I think love is a subjective concept and maybe she does feel that way in her mind. Who knows. Though, if I were in the situation, it would take a lot more than the kind of contact you had for me to "love" someone, but that's just me. Whatever happens, just look out for yourself and try not to put yourself in a predicament with her where you'll get disappointed or hurt, BellaDonna

Remember that there are many, many theories on what dreams "mean". Some say that dreams are symbolic representation of what's in our subconscious minds. I don't think having a dream about her fooling around means that she IS actually fooling around. Has anything happened in "real life" that would make you think she is unfaithful? If not, then I don't think you have anything to worry about. Be careful not to cause a big conflict over this by over-reacting or insulting her and accusing her of things she probably didn't do. You don't seem to have any evidence in reality to do so. Tell her about your dreams, but in a non-accusing manner. See what her take is on it. I agree with the others that these dreams probably have to do more with an insecurity that YOU feel. Look deep inside yourself and try to figure out if this might be a confidence/trust issue with you. I hope you have more pleasant dreams in the future, BellaDonna

Ozone, It sounds like a tough situation. But I have to ask, and I'm not trying to be rude, but is this really "a friend" or is this you? The detail you provide about the situation is quite in debth, well-thought out, and really seems to come from the heart...which tells me that either: 1.) You are very excellant friend and outstanding listener and captured every detail of the story he told you and and was able to communicate it to others perfectly. or 2.) It is actually you, and not a friend, that you are seeking advice for. Again, I'm not trying to be rude or antagonistic, but if it is really you, then it would probably be easier for us to offer you advice on the matter. If it's not you, then I was simply way off in my observation and I apologize. -BellaDonna

RAified, I agree with the others that you have to find a new therapist if you are ever going to work on personal issues. A line has been crossed in your mind, that this is a romantic interest, and now that is going to take priority away from you resolving your issues. I do not think it is uncommon for people to develop crushes on individuals who hold positions of power. There is a power-relation with you being the patient/client and him being the therapist who can help to "heal" you with his expertise. I'm sure he listens to your concerns with sensitivity and care, and you also like this because maybe you have not experienced that in your prior relationships. But don't forget- that is his JOB-to listen- and I'm assumimg he's getting paid nicely for doing it. Whether you have a crush on someone in a power relationship like a teacher, a therapist, or some other type of hierarchy- it is very important to realize that it is very unethical for the person in power to pursue such a relationship with you. These types of professionals are WARNED against dating clients during their training, it is looked down upon greatly in their professional comminity. I don't know if this therapist would be slimey enough to act on the feelings you have for him- One thing is certain: if he really cared about your well-being he definitly wouldn't. You are in a vulnerable state and you were looking for therapy to help you, if it turns into a romantic/sexual relationship it will be very unhealthy for you. Not to mention it could ruin his career too. You really need to seek out another therapist. If you think you'll be prone to another crush on the prototype of a male in power who listens you, you may want to choose a female therapist the next time. Also remember- you don't NEED him to get better- he is simply giving you new tools and strategies for you to use to improve yourself. So he is not a knight in shining armour. Another equally credentialed therapist can certainly help you. Don't become obsessed with this one. If all else fails for you to see why this would be wrong to pursue- then consider this: This type of relationship would almost never work: First of all he already knows all of your weaknesses/vulnerabilities/ baggage, and that is not a good way to start off a relationship. Second, it is likely that you would always assume the role of the "passive one" since there was already a heirarchy of you being a client needing his help. Third, it is likely that you could never trust him because assuming he'd still practice and not have his career destroyed, you'd always have to wonder if he started dating another client. I can only hope for your sake that this therapist will never act on the feelings you have for him and take advantage of you. Finding a new therapist would be the best thing you could do for yourself. -BellaDonna